The Worst Actors Ever

written by jacques

Ok, here's the deal: all these actors suck ass. They may possibly have respectable acting skills, but i don't give a shit. They annoy the piss out of me. Maybe it's the characters they play, who knows? They should all die. Swiftly. So in order of bad to worst, here we go.

6. Alan Cumming - This guy "acted" as someone in the highly misunderstood Spice World, as the nerd-turned-rich guy in the tragically boring Romy and Michele's High School Reunion, and as the main bad guy in the very well done Titus, where Anthony Hopkins plays a man that's gone crazy (surprised?). Alan Cumming always plays the aggravating Pee-Wee Herman-looking guy that i shall hate to the day that i die. He seems like he would be the life of the party for drama majors, and drama major usually drive me nuts with their haughtiness. And Alan is from the UK. You all know how the British suck if you've seen The Messenger, Braveheart, or The Patriot. They're the assholes in those movies that rape women, set innocent people's houses on fire, and kill William Wallace. Those fucks!

5. Brendan Fraser - If anyone (i mean anyone) thinks that this guy has ever made a single good movie in the past five years, please kill yourself. For example: Bedazzled, Dudley Do-Right, and last and probably least, George of the Jungle. Oh yeah, he was in In the Army Now with Pauly Shore. It's sad that the work he does now is enhanced with cartoon sounds in the background, most likely to block out the terrible dialogue that i'm sure was written with those magnet word things that are on my fridge. Ok Ok...School Ties saves him from eternal damnation, and also from being higher on my list. That was a damn fine movie. He lucked into that one, i'm sure.

4. Joe Mantegna - It's his voice. It grates on my nerves. I am fully aware that does the voice of Fat Tony on The Simpsons and he does it well, but it's a characters voice that he is doing on the show, not his real voice. Out of 56 movies his done in the past ten years, the only ones that i can honestly remember seeing are Searching for Bobby Fischer and Airheads. And i guess he is an alright actor. But that nasal voice! Kills me every time i hear it. "Wanh Wanh Wanh." That's phonetically what he sounds like. "Wanh."

3. Paul Winfield - I don't know too much about this guy either. All i do know though is that he sucks. I mean, c'mon! Look at his face. He was in Mars Attacks! playing God knows what awful part, and also in Dennis the Menace as the cop. And that's why i dislike him so much. The movie wasn't good, but it was one of those things that used to come on HBO on a lazy, boring Sunday afternoon, so i was forced to watch it over and over. I kinda became attached to the stupid little film. Except for the cop. He sucks ass. I think it's the smile. And his voice, though not nearly as bad as Joe Mantegna, is without charm. Grates on my soul.

2. Nicolas Cage - I'm sure i'll get shit for this, but honestly, name one respectable movie this ass has been in? Gone in Sixty Seconds? That movie was so terrible that even i couldn't find any joy in making fun of it. 8MM? Attention Hollywood: Seven will never be duplicated. It doesn't matter how dark or spooky the movie is, it just won't be Seven. City of Angels? Are you old and sappy? No? Then this film was trash. Con Air? Sorry kids, it was boring as sin. Vampire's Kiss? Don't, for the love of God and Jesus and Mary, don't get me started on this waste of magnetic tape. The acting was so terrible. I've seen grammar school plays that had better acting in it, honest to God, grammar school plays. If you haven't seen it, basically the plot was Nicolas Cage was bitten by a bat, and he thinks that he was turned into a vampire, which of course wasn't true. So he starts acting crazy and buys plastic vampire teeth at a joke shop when his don't grow in. Then, he starts killing people for blood that he really doesn't need. Add in every other vampire legend (steaks through the heart, mirrors, avoiding light) and you have one of the most painful movies i've ever sat through (not counting Armageddon and Joe's Apartment - at least they had hot girls in them). And Cage is ugly. He's straight up not attactive.

And our winner/loser is:

1. Tom Berenger - Ok, Ok...where do i begin...Let's first mention the movie Major League where he played in catcher in love. I remember enjoying this movie when it came out because of all the different strange characters and because Charlie Sheen was so cool and because i was young and dumb. So i'll let that movie slide. However, there is another film that he is in called The Substitute. I hope that my 3 readers have seen this movie because it is so bad that i've have seen it one thrillion times. All i have to do is recall this one scene: our friend Tom is a subtitute teacher (hence the title) that goes and reaches out to kids that don't give a fuck about class (a.k.a. Lean on Me, 187, Cheaters, etc., etc., etc...). So during class while Tom is writing math equations or whatever on the chalk board, a troubled teen throws an empty can of soda at the poor teacher. With lightning fast reflexes, Tommy spins around, catches the can, and launches it back at the student, knocking him clear out of his desk. To recap:

So it seems that the person that wrote the script and everyone else even remotely involved in the making of the movie had absolutely no concept of physics.

Another movie I just ran across at Blockbuster the other day:

The look at the great actors they got for this film. It must be amazing! The greatest actors of our time, rather, of all time! I could only liken the experience of watching the film to having sex with Jenna Jameson, Heidi Klum, and Kate Hudson at the same time. Of course i would never spend my precious time suffering through it (the movie, the movie!), so here are some comments about the flick that i found around the web:

"The premise of the movie - illegal drug delivery via skydivers - was pretty weak. The acting was wooden, and the first third of the movie was pretty repetitive, showing the endless training drills for a skydive formation."

Well, it doesn't sound that bad. Read this too:

"SPOILER ALERT - Thankfully, Dennis Rodman gets killed off after only a few scenes."

I'd watch Dennis Rodman die, over and over again. And over. By my hands.

"There is nothing new or memorable here but there are worse ways to spend an hour and a half."

Worse ways? Like what? Working at Blockbuster? Eatting dog shit? Making out with that guy that lost all that weight by eating only Subway sandwiches? I really can't see how that justifies seeing a bad movie. That's like saying that I would enjoy having my penis torn to pieces in a blender because it's better than having ants eat me alive. God.

But anyhoo, I think they should do a remake of the movie with new actors:

Well, no. I'd end up killing Old Navy Lady and her stupid dog. And scary man i'm sure would attempt to rape me, so fuck it.

So in conclusion, next time at Blockbuster, walk around the new release wall and check out all the Tom Berenger movies. They all have names like Razor Engagement or Fatal Consequences. And it's always him and another lame actor.

That's enough ranting for one day. Don't forget to tell your friends about your favorite new site. Not Orleans is Drowning. Do it.

written by jacques
copyright coffeeam 2001