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I was online the other day, and a friend of mine says "be right back, I got to take a dump." I found this quite standard seeing as people always take dumps during the middle of their adventures into the realm of the internet. Most people are just too embarassed to admit it so they say they are going to get food or something. That is a lame excuse. But this particular friend of mine gets back and says "crapping should be an olympic event. I'd be great. Hell, I'm not the best, but I got the determination." Naturally, I loved the idea. For the next hour and a half I turned over all the ideas in my head of how this event could be turned into a competetive sport. After much pondering and lots of testing, here is what I've come up with. Special thanks to Frank and Gary on this one. Objective The object of this sport is to make the largest mountain of fecal matter in the amount of time given. There could easily be variations on this though. One example is the event to see who can amass a given amount of feces in the shortest period of time. Procedure For starters, those in the comptetion are sorted into weight classes because it obviously wouldn't be fair to have some sumo wrestler go up against an anorexic model or something, and the key to olympic shitting is that it is accessible to people of all genders and body types. If you really think about it, it's a beautiful thing. Next, competetors are taken to the largest all-you-can-eat buffet you have ever seen. This buffet will have the widest assortment of foods that can possibly be assembled. This makes the competetion interesting because it requires that the athletes have a knowledge of nutrition. How could one be an olympic shitting champion if the don't know that meat products stay in your colon?! That kind of nutritional ignorance will not be tolerated. Competetors are given 4 hours in the buffet together, or until all the food is finished. Next, it's onto the special-made toilets that have scales in the bottom of them. This way, the extrement can be totaled in a totally computerized, no frills manner (and humans don't have to go anywhere near it). Gotta love technology. Competetors are given an hour to make their mountain of feces. When the official totals are in after the clock stops, the athlete with the greatest amount of poop in weight (not volume) is declared the winner. Rules 1. No laxatives will be allowed. Drug testing for laxatives, or any other such suppositories will take place before competetion begins. In some shitting leagues, each competetor is given one laxative, but not in the olympics. 2. You may only eat from the buffet, none of your own food is tolerated. 3. Each competetor must wear goggles (don't ask me, ask the Olympic Comittee). 4. No throwing poo. 5. No making fun of people with green poo. Corporate Sponsorship Corporate sponsorship you say? Yes! Think about it. Somebody has to make the toilets, somebody has to make the scales in the toilets, several food companies will place bids to get their food on the buffet and a banner on the front of the buffet. Everything from the finest French food to Taco Bell will make it to the buffet. That is about half a billion dollars in advertising right there. But, that is nothing. Olympic shitters and race car drivers will have one thing in common: They will be covered head to toe in advertising. Hell, we'll take all the race car drivers' business! Other points: Somebody has to put this on Pay Per View since fecal matter is way too taboo for network television, or cable for that matter. Somebody has to invent a mechanism to clean every ounce of the toilet feces catchers. Somebody has to dispose of the poop. The possibilities are endless. Conclusion When this sport debuts at the Chinese Olympics (human rights violations and all) in 2008, the reaction will be that of shock and disgust. Us olympic shitters must conduct ourselves in a dignified manner in order to gain respect and admiration from other athletes. only then will it be recognized as a genuine sport. More importantly than that, have fun. Now go practice, champ! Contact me on AIM at: JesseRotten |