Navigation Home Articles Misc. Contact Punk Rock Radio Links X-Entertainment Humor Arrogancy GameFAQs The Chimpclits Waking Bradley

The television nowadays seems to be a bit lacking. There are terrible sitcoms. Horrible edited for time movies. Lame game shows. And boring sporting events. But one thing that makes the television so great is... the infomercial. You see, if you’re like me, which you probably aren’t, you stay up until around 4 or 5 am on a good night. Moving from the computer to the TV once every thirty minutes, in case you might miss something important, but that never happens. So eventually you just give up on that stupid computer and sit in front of the TV for a couple of hours. What’s on during 3 am you ask? The infomercial. Now, for those of you who don’t know much about the infomercial let me fill you in. The infomercial is a commercial that is thirty minutes to an hour long. A company will buy a time slot in which the infomercial will play at, sort of like special events like that dog show thatis always on USA. You know, the one where the dogs and human beings prance around like they have really big dildos shoved up their anal openings? Totally obnoxious. I wonder if people actually watch that shit anyways? I mean, really, who cares about that type of shit? Anyway, between 2 am and 6 am the TV is filled with infomercials. And seeing as 2 am to 6 am is the time when I’m most likely to be watching TV, I know the infomercial pretty well. During this piece of writing I will tell you about my favorite infomercials EVER! The Breast Enlargement Pill Alright, this infomercial is by far the most depressing, pornographic, hilarious thing I’ve ever seen. It’s this infomercial for this all natural pill that a woman can take that will increase her breast size by 2 full cup sizes. This means that there are lots of pictures of breasts and very attractive women. The host of the infomercial is this decent looking woman, probably in her mid-thirties, around 5’ 10” and 110 pounds. She has nice looking breasts so I can only assume that she took the pills and her breasts grew to this nice size. I mean, when I see her breasts I just get so hot. Her breasts are nice and big. And I would like to squeeze them. I bet her nipples get really hard too. During this whole infomercial there are testimonials from these women who have “taken” this pill and they say how great it is. Like “After two weeks my breasts were so big that my husband would come home from work and automatically want to make love.” You can tell that it’s all total bullshit. The actors can hardly act and the host hardly seems convincing, although she is fun to look at. But the best part is where they have this computer image thing. It’s like this glowing green wire body and then the breasts grow right in front of youreyes. You can’t help but laugh, it’s just too great. If you catch this infomercial definitely watch the whole thing. It will provide you with laughs and good MB material. The Food Saver I think it’s called The Food Saver, but at any rate it is agood watch. The Food Saver is this machine that looks sort of like a hole punch, like the long black ones you see at school. But with this you put something into a plastic bag and then put the open end of the bag into the machine. Then you turn on the machine and it sucks out all of the air. The final step is the machine sealing thebag; the bag is now air tight. This infomercial is hosted by some guy who looks like he’s been in a lot of street fights because he has a lot of scars all over his face. Or maybe he was just born like that. [shrug] He also has a co-host. The co-host is this average looking mother type woman who has these buggy eyes. Her main part in this infomercial is to make it seem like everything this machine can do will change your life. It’s really weird. So they go through all the things this machine can do. It can save food for you, keep the family wedding dress nice, preserve all your comics and baseball cards, and even keep your cheese unmoldy! There are two really great things about this infomercial though. One is that they do this neat little thing with the Food Saver or whatever the fuck it’s called. The take around 48 empty soda cans and put them all into a bag. Then they hook up the bag to the machine and turn it on. Now we go into elapsed time mode and the cans start to get crushed in the bag. This is just so sweet. But they only spend like half a minute on this segment. If I were the person in charge of this infomercial I would have made the whole thing on the fact that this machine can crush cans for you. I mean it’s insane! Yeah, it will take you a good ten minutes to put the cans into the bag right. And yeah it takes at least seven minutes for the thing to crush all the cans. But damn is that nifty! Wait, what the fuck am I talking about? That is the stupidest thing ever! [sigh] The other thing that is interesting about this infomercial is when they talk about homemade TV dinners. They go through this whole segment where they say you can make your own TV dinners and it will taste so much better than store bought ones. You want to know why it will taste better? Well, it will taste better because it’s been made with… Love. Yes! They say when you make your own TV dinner it will taste extra sweet because of the secret ingredient “love”. Yeah, that is just really depressing. Just the thought of the taste of love being stuck on my tongue for the next few hours makes me want to change the channel. This infomercial could have been done a lot better, but I guess it was good for what it was worth, a few good laughs and some really disturbing thoughts. Made with love? What the fuck were they thinking? The Thunder Stick This infomercial is the most annoying infomercial there is. The host of this one is just a true jackass and deserves to be lynched. She makes me want to change the channel and never come back to that channel ever again just because she might be on that certain channel again. But I’ll get back to her later. Let me first tell you about the one, theonly, the mother fucking Thunder Stick. The Thunder Stick is this hand held unit that looks pretty much like a electric toothbrush. The main difference is that there is a metal disc at the end of it instead of strands of plastic. The Thunder Stick can be used as a blender, a dicer, a milk shake machine, and even a grinder. That is basically their slogan too. They talk about how you won’t need any household appliance anymore after you get the Thunder Stick. It’s the ultimate kitchen tool. Don’t get too excited though because it’s actually pretty lame. They go through all the blades that you can use on this Thunder Stick. There are four blades cleverly named the A, B, and C blades. They even throw in the D blade at no extra cost! WOWZERS! Anyway. They go through all ofthe stuff the different blades can do. We get to see the Thunder Stick make peanut butter, margaritas, gazpacho, baby food, ice cream, and all this other shit. It’s really lame. But one thing saves this infomercial. The annoying host. The host is this southern gal who looks like she could be someone’s grandmother. She has this crazy blonde curly hair and she is sorta over weight. She makes all these crazy references and stuff. Like one time she goes “Now you’re gonna want to do this for a certain time. Just whistle Dixie, whatever.” And then there is a time where she’s whipping up some whipped cream or something and she goes “Oh my gosh! I’m done already!” And then she does this little dance where she just wiggles her hips like she’s mother fucking Elvis or some shit. It really makes me irate. One cool thing though is that for around half of the infomercial there is this guy who just sorta eats all the food and stuff and talks about how great the product is. I’ve seen him in other infomercials too. I think he does this one where he pretends to be a computer genius and he sells some rare computer. I can’t remember much of that infomercial though. But in this Thunder Stick infomercial he is decent. He doesn’t do too much fake shit. Only once where he takes this chip and digs it into the gezpacho and takes a big bite of it. Then he makes this face like he just totally loves what he’s just put in his mouth. He then claps his hands and says “Olay”. Then the other host goes “Amen”. I think the other host misunderstood what the guy said. What a fucking cock smuggler. OH! OH! I just though of another cool part of this infomercial. There is this part where this funny voice over guy goes “Do you hate dealing with that messy blender?” And on the screen there is this black and white image of this lady working with a blender. All of a sudden the blender top pops up andthe stuff inside the blender goes all over the place. And the lady gets juice all over her and she makes this really funny face. Oh man, it’s horrible. I just remembered one more thing. They have this slogan that’s like “You have the power to get thejob done”. It’s really funny because after every time she makes something she cleans off the Thunder Stick and says “You have the power to get the job done.” This reminds me of that Simpsons episode where Bart has his own church thing and he keeps on screaming “I HAVE THE POWEA!” It’s great. So, this infomercial for this great product is ruined by an annoying host. I hope the host never works in the infomercial biz again. Okay, those are a few infomercials that I really liked. Now I’ll throw in some little things about a few infomercials that aren’t worthy of a full segment. The Nine Piece Knife Set I’ve only seen this one a few times. I didn’t watch it too much because I personally don’t like knives because the idea of being stabbed is one of my greatest fears. I guess I have a phobia about knifes. I will seldom touch a knife for any reason. But anyway, this infomercial is for this nine piece knife set. It has every knife you could ever want, from your classic butcher knifeto your filet knife. This infomercial is crazy for two reasons. For one thing the co-host is this woman whois from Australia. She just seems totally out of place. The real host is this average looking guy who keeps on talking about knives and stuff and she just pretends to be interested. But half the time it’s hard to understand what she’s saying because of her Australian accent. Usually she just nods and says “Wow, that’s a really great knife.” But the really crazy thing is that during one part of the show they take out this huge salmon. The guy throws the salmon onto the counter and then carves into thesalmon with one of the knives, eventually cutting off half of the salmon. Now I’m not like a big animals rights guy or anything but this just seemed really crazy to me for some reason. The Acoustic Wave System I actually like watching this infomercial and I have nothing bad to say about it. The infomercial is hosted by this well known jazz pianist named something L something. I forget his name but he is really good. There are a lot of parts in this infomercial where there is just the guy playing with his band. It’s sweet. If I were to say one bad thing about this infomercial though it would be that there are a lot of parts where things just seem too unrealistic. Like there is a part where this guy has a huge rack of components and such and he is fucking around with knobs trying to get his stereo system to sound right. That is just shit. End Well, that’s all of the infomercial information I think you need to know. Some day you should stay up well into the early morning to catch some good infomercials. It is definitely worth it. Or you can just reread this article a lot until it makes sense to you. -Jake Brahm