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Waking Bradley
I love cartoons. In fact, between cartoons and the SciFi Channel, I hardly watch TV. Cartoons are the only thing that makes TV really worth it. I mean, sure I could watch medical dramas, reality TV, that crazy ass dude who humps crocodiles, or anything else, but like I said, I love cartoons.
For a while in the dark days, I didn't have cable, so I hardly got to watch cartoons. I'd have to wake up at some ungodly hour to watch The Bugs and Daffy show, and unfortunately, I am not a morning person at all. If only there was an answer. Enter Cartoon Network. Some genius [this guy should have been in the space program] decided to make a cartoon channel for us lazier folks. Cartoon Network is so great. BUT, at the same time, I wanna kick it in the genitals with steel-toed boots on. This here article will investigate the lesser and finer points of Cartoon Network. Enjoy, and don't complain when I rip on Scooby Doo or I'll fill you with holes, just try me.
Batman
This cartoon kicks ass. Whoever made this one certainly didn't write the comic book. Why do I think this? You hardly see Robin in this one (YESSSSS!). Maybe he is too busy working on not sucking. The best part of this cartoon is how the plot is never the same twice. They never do the shit Scooby Doo-me-in-my-dogass does where the show is always the same and they just make some new villans. That is so weak. Power Rangers used to do that too, but Scooby Doo doesn't have a White Ranger to bail them out.
Batman really is worth watching, but I have one complaint to the network. Play this show when people who would watch it will be awake, dolt! They completely throw away a gold mine when they fill precious time slots with Scooby instead of this.
Acme Cartoons
Ahhhhh. Acme Cartoons still kick ass. All the greats are in Acme. You can't go wrong here. The thing I like? They save these for the ever-convienent time slot of midnightish. So usually when I am just getting home or whatever, I can sink in to my broke-assed couch and watch some Acme Hour.
Why do Acme Cartoons kick ass? The violence of course. How many times do you think Elmer Fudd has been shot? I'd go for at least 1,000. Beat that TuPac, you fuckin' panty-waste. Everbody has got a trademark too, it's great. Bugs is just the clever dude, Daffy is the loser, Elmer Fudd is the ass spelunker, and Taz is the brute force. There are a few other dudes too.
Oh, shit on me, I almost forgot. Road Runner is pretty cool. I mean, he is a dumbass cause he always falls into Wile E. Coyote's lame traps, but no matter how bad he fucks up, Wile E. will always fuck up worse, so it's no big deal. But has anyone noticed that Wile E. is faster than Road Runner when he is pissed off? Watch for that.
Holy Shit! I'm watching the news and some dude beat the shit out of a shark in Florida. That is cool. But the shark had just mangled some little kid.Oh, sorry about that, cartoons.
Johnny Bravo
Ok, so I know that he is a total mix of Elvis and Johnny Guitar, but who cares? Elvis dudes are huge in Vegas and I watch Johnny Guitar whenever it's on TV. The only think about that show that creeps me out is how his obsession with his hair matches that of say... Craig Kilbourn. Have you ever seen Craig Kilbourn's obsession with his own hair, it's pretty weird.
This show is just plain great though. I saw one episode where he was going on a date with a doe. Yea, as in a female deer. She was actually pretty hot. Well... hot as far as deer go... or something. But she was all embarassed being a deer and all, and Johnny was just all like "ah, forget it." I forgot what happened after that, but it was probably cool. Mmmm Hmmm, this show needs more airtime too, cause it is great.
The Flintstones/The Jetsons
Why did I put these together? Cause they are pretty much the same show in different eras. I'm not complaining though, cause they both kick ass. The Flintstones is just the best though. It paved the way for EVERYTHING that happened ever. Everything. Examples? Fine.
Homer Simpson. Out beloved Homer is just a cross between Barney and Fred. It's all there. The bitch-ass working class job, bowling, moronism (my spell check is rejecting this word, I don't get it.), laziness. And c'mon, Maggie is like a quieter version of Bam-Bam.
The Jetsons... Yea, they are cool too, but they aren't the Flintstones. Maybe if the show had a little more Elroy in it.
Well, the good section is over, so now I will become a total asshole from this point on. But for the average, I am gonna just list a few shows. Some may be left out.
Rocky and Bullwinkle
Eh, not bad, but not amazing either. The show can be really cool sometimes, like when they play football and stuff, cause Bullwinkle is a force at tight end. Good thing this one is on really, really later so the older generation can appreciate it still.
Space Ghost
Well, yes, this show is jawsome. But once a week just isn't enough Zorak for any cartoon fan. I'm not gonna say anything since this show is talked about too much anyways. I even saw some Brak T-shirts and stuff being sold. Weak.
Dexter's Laboratory
Not bad when SuperMonkey is on the show, but otherwise, pretty bland. Dexter and DeeDee are really annoying.
Tom and Jerry
Mildly entertaining while I am watching it, but then you realize the Power Ranger/Scooby repetetive clause applies a little too well to this one too.
Dragon Ball Z
Ok, ok, ok, I know there are people who live and die by this show. People buy all the action figures and won'tbe quiet about how much Goku pisses them off and all. But is this show really that good? Let's see... Shitty animation? Check. Lame storylines? Check. Annoying green bug dude who talks too much? Check.
Since I only watch this show in 10 minutes intervals, I never really picked up that green dude's name. Sure, he would be cool, if he didn't suck so much that is. The people who make this show must be like "Eh, we'll just let green dude talk so we don't gotta draw another bad battle scene, since we never can get those right."
And then the worst part about this show? The fact that the network execs seem to insist that they pack all their bad, non-violent anime into these gigantic blocks. They will show a little Tenchi Tokyo, then some Sailor Moon and then some Dragon Ball Z and then they will repeat this process until I put a brick through my TV or change the channel, depends where the remote is. Hey, dorks, try showing some cool anime movies in their entirety or something cool! If not, serve up more Batman!
Powderpuff Girls
"Somebody, kill me please! I'm on my knees! Pretty, pretty please! KILLLLLL MEEEEEE!!!"
--Adam Sandler
Ah, another HOAE first. I use something bad just to show how bad something else really is. What is the objective of this show exactly? To get girls into cartoons? Show some Betty Boop or something then.
Ok, I'll admit I've never watched a full episode of this show. I saw one scene where they were all playing dodgeball and suddenly they went all berserker on these little kids and started throwing the dodgeball at them all superhero-like. That is just not cool. Would Batman ever do something like that? No, no he would not.
And I really wish I could see a few more girls wearing Powderpuff Girl shirts. And I really hope people recognize sarcasm when they see it.
Scooby Doo
Last, and definitely the worst cartoon of them all, is Scooby Doo. How does this show entertain anybody!? And half the show is Scooby and Shaggy acting like the morons they are and being all like "I'm scared cause I am a good-for-nothing moronic moron. Phew.
And then the aforementioned predictable plot this show always has. If there are any arguments against this one, here goes.
1. Beginning, just them being lame.
2. They find out what is going on.
3. They get there, decide it is scary and they slpit up.
4. Scooby and Shaggy always go together and sodomize each other when the camera is away.
5. The other losers go off by themselves and act all intellectual and stuff.
6. They find the villan and a bunch of bad chase scenes insue.
7. They catch the villian and then go over the predictable string of clues that helped them solve this "mystery".
There you have it, the worst show ever.
Cartoon Network could possibly be the coolest thing ever if it wasn't run by people who watch some pretty shitty cartoons. What a sick, sad world we live in.