**5/08/01** "YEAHyeahYEAHyeah I wanna be your Thurston Moore YEAHyeahYEAHyeah Wrestle on your bedroom floor YEAHyeahYEAHyeah always leave you wanting more...."~Sleater Kinney... It's may....motherfuckingmay! ;aksjhg;kfda;kja;gha;fdkgadghdf;gadfhggh!!!!!!!! ROAR!! YEAHyeahYEAHyeah!!!!!! I NEED to go out and get fucking trashed...tell Jim off a few times....yell at strangers...get belligerant....kick things and break shit! I WANNA BE YR JOEY RAMONE This song IS me....May is the craziest month...Taurus men are evil...so many taurus guys I have known...and wanted....and loved....Fuch em! Weird shit happens in may...all these people from my past come pouring out of the woodwork...it never fails...ANDY was born in may...holy fuck he's 19 now!! My first REAL boyfriend....I still have dreams about him every other night...I'm 3 years older than him...I must get drunk tonight...and be wild, loud and obnoxious and make out with boys...4 in a row...haha...run around outside and disturb the peace...kick Jim in the nuts...drop by M&H and see Andy for the first time in 3 years....give him a hug and tell him that we were supposed to get married...and walk off...cry in an angry fit...smash my bottle of beer and laugh like a demonic bitch...See a bunch of people I haven't seen in a long time...and tell the assholes just what I think of them...then laugh some more...Wear my big black boots! Make myself vomit and pass out on my bathroom floor....and do it again every day until sunday...
**5/07/01** Yes, that is me up there...people who argued and argued with me about it....and said "You are NOT fat!" There...look up...there's your proof...So I should do something about it right? What happened to my diet? It's hard when you don't really have support...My family knows I was diagnosed with an eating disorder...yet still buys pies, cookies, cakes, muffins, makes meals full of fat and calories. They don't and won't try to help in any way...I don't really have any friends...let alone any that are going through the same thing...it's like, I need someone to give me that push...I dunno why I can't do it on my own...I lose weight and become thin...and people start to like me...guys pay attention to me...it's happened before...I've been there...so, are they really liking me for me? For who I am inside? No...and that really hurts...but I can't hate them for it because, if a really large man...overweight like obese and ugly...yet with a heart of gold..wanted me..I wouldn't date him...I don't know...but, come to think of it, the friends I have had weren't really attractive...they weren't perfectly thin and beautiful..they were the outcasts...usually because of how they looked physically..or how they dressed...and I had crushes on some of them...some that were ugly to me at first, but when I got to know them they became very attractive...but regardless of looks, I still got to know them...I think alot of people are unwilling to really get to know me because of how I look and such..I feel like if I could find someone...male or female...who loved me for who I am...lover or not...and would help me...go to the gym with me...eat with me...a housemate maybe...that I could do it...but, that's too much to ask for...and I know that...I know that somehow I have to get strong and get willpower and do it on my own...but, I don't know how to do that...I don;t think I'll ever be that person...I don;t think I'll ever be able to stick it out long term...I love food...how could I possibly go without eating all of the things I love...all the pizza, chinese food, my favorite dinners that I cook...and I'm not being funny here...I'm being dead serious...it's like a fucking drug to me...I'm addicted to tastes and flavors...it's so sad...I'm fat in and out...I can't just go eat one slice of pizza..and eat a bunch of healthy low calorie stuff....I'll be fucking hungry...and as long as I feel hungry and am denying myself of what I really want, how can I do it? How can I make myself excersize everyday? And when I do, how can I make myself keep going for as long as I need to? If you think you know the answer, I'll tell you...I've probably tried it...it's something you have to set your mind to....but how do I do that? Where do I get the will power? You'd think that being this upset and deressed over it would be enough to give me that shove...but it isn't...there's something missing....
**5/03/01** A guy I know from the net...a very great and dear friend...he messaged me this morning at around 4am...his dad shot and killed himself in front of a church yesterday....
**5/02/01** Here's a great talk I had today on yahoo messenger:(I'm red he's yellow) andrew_75uk: i think there are a lot of lucky people in the world today andrew_75uk: i see more lucky people than unlucky people today stikkinixx: Hmmm.... I guess I dont notie...or something andrew_75uk: maybe it's good that you don't notice stikkinixx: I mean...eeryone is luky and unluky andrew_75uk: that's true andrew_75uk: i just see so many rich people around today stikkinixx: ok andrew_75uk: i suppose i'm quite rich but i've had to work for a long time to get it and i've had to save like mad andrew_75uk: luckily i still live with my parents stikkinixx: I own $1 andrew_75uk: 1 dollar? stikkinixx: yeah andrew_75uk: how come? stikkinixx: Uhm...thats just all I hae...grrrrrrrrrr the missing keys! andrew_75uk: do you live with your parents? stikkinixx: No andrew_75uk: who do you live with and how do you live? stikkinixx: Not that I at all enjoy talking aout it....ut I li\/e with my aunt, grandfather and 6 year old rother....and they feed me....I do the shopping and half the food prep andrew_75uk: that sounds ok and you shouldn't feel ashamed about it stikkinixx: ashamed, I'm not... andrew_75uk: good andrew_75uk: maybe ashamed wasn't the word i was looking for andrew_75uk: i think you look really nice stikkinixx: thanks andrew_75uk: have you ever thought about coming to England? stikkinixx: Yeah...lots andrew_75uk: so are you going to come here? stikkinixx: No...prolly not andrew_75uk: why not? stikkinixx: It's hard to get anywhere on a dollar andrew_75uk: if you stayed with me you would only have to pay for the flight over andrew_75uk: and i live in London (the capital) andrew_75uk: London is the place to go when you visit England stikkinixx: I hae plenty of plaes I ould stay there....no money to get there...eat...and hae fun andrew_75uk: like where? andrew_75uk: how do you have plenty of places to stay at in England? stikkinixx: I hae friends there..there are MANY people from england I talk to on here esides you...that I'e talked to for oer a year....and I hae family there....and an old oyfriend andrew_75uk: an old boyfriend? was he English? stikkinixx: Yeah andrew_75uk: and how did you meet him? stikkinixx: On here andrew_75uk: how could he have been your boyfriend then? andrew_75uk: you mean a net boyfriend? stikkinixx: He ame here and stayed for 2 weeks thats how...and was in NY for skool for 5 months andrew_75uk: why did he do that? stikkinixx: to see me and go to skool andrew_75uk: and he stayed with you and your aunt? stikkinixx: No..my aunt wasn't here...me & my grandpa andrew_75uk: how could he have been allowed to stay in America for 5 months? andrew_75uk: so he was studying in America and he went to minnesota just to meet you? stikkinixx: he was going to uni or whateer.... stikkinixx: yes mr.nosey andrew_75uk: net relationships never work out andrew_75uk: i'm not being nosey stikkinixx: yes you are andrew_75uk: i just don't know why you trusted somebody on the net stikkinixx: why would I trust you then...and stay with you? andrew_75uk: i'm not fucking nosey ok!!!!!!! stikkinixx: I talked to him for 7 months, for hours....on here and on the phone... andrew_75uk: it's just that i think it's weird what people get up to on the net and he must've been desperate to get a girlfriend if he went all that way to meet you stikkinixx: No, he wasnt andrew_75uk: why couldn't he find a girlfriend in England then? stikkinixx: He kould....he had girlfriends 3efore...we were just friends for a long time...he wasnt looking for a girlfriend when we started talking... andrew_75uk: i bet andrew_75uk: lol andrew_75uk: when did this all happen? stikkinixx: he wasn't....and I was taken then anyways...last year andrew_75uk: and how old was he? stikkinixx: 20 andrew_75uk: i bet he liked your type of music indie, grunge and all that shit stikkinixx: Yeah andrew_75uk: thought so andrew_75uk: i hate that shit stikkinixx: ok andrew_75uk: why did he leave you then? andrew_75uk: did he get fed up? stikkinixx: He didn't...I roke up with him andrew_75uk: why?? andrew_75uk: i bet he didn't look as good as me andrew_75uk: i'm a hunk stikkinixx: what is your deal? Yeah..he did...3etter... andrew_75uk: i'm such a hunk that women just fall at my feet andrew_75uk: i've even done modelling stikkinixx: Ok andrew_75uk: i bet he didn't have a body like mine stikkinixx: So what if he didn't? I liked his 3ody.... andrew_75uk: i bet he was skinny stikkinixx: Kinda andrew_75uk: i knew it, all those Idnie guys are stikkinixx: ok andrew_75uk: that's why i hate indie music because the guys try to look like saomething from the 60s andrew_75uk: and they're skinny and look like faggots stikkinixx: He didnt try to look like anything...he was just himself...thats what I liked andrew_75uk: well i have alwaya been myself but i was born a hunk stikkinixx: good for you andrew_75uk: and women just fall at my feet andrew_75uk: i can have any woman i want stikkinixx: alright andrew_75uk: even married women have left their husbands to be with me stikkinixx: thats great andrew_75uk: yeah i know it's great andrew_75uk: i'm sure you are going to check my web site after this andrew_75uk: you can take your stupid club and stick it up your ass!!!! stikkinixx: What is your deal? I didnt do anything to you andrew_75uk: ok i'm sorry, i didn't really mean that andrew_75uk: ignore what i said, i'm just in a bad mood, it's not your fault stikkinixx: I looked at your site right after you said it linked off yr profile andrew_75uk: i just don't like Indie music andrew_75uk: and i don't think i'm your type stikkinixx: well..so what? What is your point? My club isnt aout that... stikkinixx: you just turned on me...and I didnt do a thing andrew_75uk: what is your club about exactly? i can't understand it stikkinixx: anyway..I dont ha e a type...my club is my club...its anything... andrew_75uk: ok andrew_75uk: but you said that you think your ex boyfriend looks better than me so you must prefer indie guys andrew_75uk: indie music is already out of fashion stikkinixx: No...I dont prefer any type.... stikkinixx: I dont are aout fashion stikkinixx: or whats 'in' I do what I like andrew_75uk: i think most women would prefer the look of me to indie guys, i take care about my appearence andrew_75uk: i get told all the time that i'm a very sexy guy andrew_75uk: on and off the net stikkinixx: So? What is your point with all this? andrew_75uk: just trying to impress you andrew_75uk: i told you i like the look of you but i don't think you're interested andrew_75uk: that's the feeling i'm getting stikkinixx: well, you arent...you are doing the opposite....I liked you lots yesterday...today you are rude and hurt my feelings...I dont are aout looks and things...I dont are what musi you like...insulting my musi and things is not impressing...what is inside..heart..mind...feelings are impressing... andrew_75uk: i'm sorry then andrew_75uk: i didn't set out to hurt your feelings andrew_75uk: if we lived closer i would like to take you out but the problem is the distance stikkinixx: well, you did...and you made me cry andrew_75uk: i'm really sorry andrew_75uk: i didn't mean to hurt you, please forgive me andrew_75uk: i have stuff to tell you but it's too much of a long story stikkinixx: I wouldn't go out with you now...after all this...you are very rude, and conceite is not appealing andrew_75uk: and something you said reminded me of something i have been through myself andrew_75uk: i really am sorry, please will you forgive me? andrew_75uk: i think you look really sexy stikkinixx: It will just happen again...you are obviously short tempered...I dont like guys women throw themselves at and all that other nonsense stikkinixx: I'm not... andrew_75uk: yes you are stikkinixx: No, I'm really not...I'm really big andrew_75uk: i think you would understand if i told you what happened to me on the net last year, but i shouldn't have upset you, i feel very guilty for doing that, i really like you andrew_75uk: you don't look fat in your pictures, you look very slim and attractive stikkinixx: I'm far from slim andrew_75uk: isn't that you in the pictures then? stikkinixx: Yes andrew_75uk: in those pictures you are slim stikkinixx: all you see is my face....so how would you know? andrew_75uk: you have a slim face, you don't have the face of a fat girl stikkinixx: I know andrew_75uk: you look great andrew_75uk: and i mean it, if we lived closer i would want you as my girlfriend stikkinixx: I weigh 240-250 pounds andrew_75uk: no way andrew_75uk: you don't weigh that much stikkinixx: way...why would I lie? andrew_75uk: that's how much a heavy weight boxer weighs and you are not that big andrew_75uk: i'm a bodybuilder and i'm tall, the most i've ever weighed is 225lbs stikkinixx: that is my weight...I am not lying stikkinixx: there is no reason why I would lie andrew_75uk: so have you put on a lot of weight since those pictures were taken? andrew_75uk: yes you might be lying to turn me off of you stikkinixx: No...alot of them are real new andrew_75uk: are you very tall? stikkinixx: if I wanted to do that I would just tell you to go away...I do not lie! stikkinixx: I am 5 foot 9 in andrew_75uk: ok then, send me a full picture of yourself stikkinixx: okay...just a min andrew_75uk: ok andrew_75uk: my address is andrew75uk@btinternet.com andrew_75uk: still there? stikkinixx: I had to go take one andrew_75uk: oh ok andrew_75uk: let me know when you sent it stikkinixx: I am really not happy doing this...you'll see though andrew_75uk: don't be shy about it andrew_75uk: like i said, to me you look nice stikkinixx: I prolly wont now...sent andrew_75uk: ok brb andrew_75uk: i'm back andrew_75uk: i saw it stikkinixx: ok andrew_75uk: i must say your face looks like the face of a slim woman stikkinixx: I know...I told you that andrew_75uk: was that picture taken just now? it looks like it's in a park or something stikkinixx: Yes, just now andrew_75uk: where was it taken? stikkinixx: in my yard andrew_75uk: who took it? stikkinixx: My grandfather andrew_75uk: i've never seen such a fat girl with such a slim face before stikkinixx: :| andrew_75uk: how come your face is so slim? stikkinixx: How would I know? andrew_75uk: what was that smiley? i've never seen that one before stikkinixx: a strait one andrew_75uk: how did you know about that smiley? andrew_75uk: ? andrew_75uk: still there? stikkinixx: I just did...I am definately not happy now...I would like to go...I hope you're happy andrew_75uk: wait andrew_75uk: i like you andrew_75uk: are you still a virgin? stikkinixx: No andrew_75uk: you're not? andrew_75uk: who did you lose it to? that English guy??? stikkinixx: No andrew_75uk: i'm still a virgin andrew_75uk: although women like me i've never met the right woman andrew_75uk: so are you saying that you've had sex lots of times? stikkinixx: I guess andrew_75uk: who with? andrew_75uk: you told me you are single stikkinixx: I am single andrew_75uk: and you told me you had only been in one relationship before andrew_75uk: so do you sleep around and have one night stands? stikkinixx: I said one REAL one.... stikkinixx: no andrew_75uk: so how have you had sex lots of times? stikkinixx: real relationship...like long term stikkinixx: I slept with the same guys many times stikkinixx: if you had a girl, would you only sleep with her one time? No... andrew_75uk: what the English guy? stikkinixx: Him too andrew_75uk: why are you worried about being fat then? stikkinixx: What does that hae to do with this? andrew_75uk: if you've had sex a lot of times why are you worried about your weight? stikkinixx: that makes no sense andrew_75uk: i mean look at me i'm good looking but i've never met the right woman andrew_75uk: i think America is full of slut girls stikkinixx: I think all plaes are stikkinixx: I'm not a slut andrew_75uk: and all American people think about is sex stikkinixx: ha...not andrew_75uk: it's all part of the America dream and all that bullshit stikkinixx: No it isnt..where'd you learn that...tv? andrew_75uk: just guessing stikkinixx: its not true andrew_75uk: you don't even look sexy so i don't know how you've had sex so many times andrew_75uk: no offence but it's true stikkinixx: thanks andrew_75uk: i doubt if you have had sex lots of times andrew_75uk: what is the American dream anyway? stikkinixx: Why do you insist I'm a liar? I had 3 boyfriends....I slept with all three more than one time...grrr.... stikkinixx: I dunno...I just live here andrew_75uk: you told me two boyfriends stikkinixx: No I said one real relationship....and you rung up the english guy...I said him too andrew_75uk: and the third? stikkinixx: brung stikkinixx: a guy I dated for a few months...as if its any concern to you andrew_75uk: they must've been desperate stikkinixx: they liked me for who I am! andrew_75uk: so they must've fucked you with their eyes closed stikkinixx: Why are you so mean? *cries* you are a terrible person! andrew_75uk: i didn't really mean that andrew_75uk: i shouldn't have said it stikkinixx: You did too! Go to hell! andrew_75uk: i like you a lot stikkinixx: No you dont! andrew_75uk: yes i do andrew_75uk: i would still go out with you andrew_75uk: i don't like skinny girls stikkinixx: or you wouldnt be so mean to me! I didnt do anything to you, fuck you! Don't ever talk to me again! andrew_75uk: i didn't mean to hurt you andrew_75uk: please don't say that andrew_75uk: i really didn't mean it andrew_75uk: you have to believe me stikkinixx: Yes you did! Or you wouldnt say these things! andrew_75uk: i didn't mean it andrew_75uk: i still want you as my girlfriend andrew_75uk: i still think you are sexy stikkinixx: GO TO HELL! andrew_75uk: please tell me you want me as your boyfriend, i will make you happy i promise andrew_75uk: i want you as my girlfriend stikkinixx: you are lousy at showing affection! andrew_75uk: i'm sorry stikkinixx: I dont give a shit...you have done your damage andrew_75uk: do you hate me? stikkinixx: Yes! andrew_75uk: i don't know what to say andrew_75uk: i guess i have fucked up then stikkinixx: majorly andrew_75uk: can't you forgive me? andrew_75uk: i want you as my girlfriend andrew_75uk: i hate myself stikkinixx: you should, you are terrible andrew_75uk: but i want you to forgive me and to be my girlfriend andrew_75uk: i will pay for you to come to England stikkinixx: Why? You'd have to keep your eyes shut all the time right? andrew_75uk: no andrew_75uk: i would keep them open the whole time because i think you are nice stikkinixx: thats what you said....and for no reason too stikkinixx: you were mean to me for no reason andrew_75uk: i know andrew_75uk: but i do want you as my girlfriend stikkinixx: Why did you do that to me? andrew_75uk: i've just had a bad day stikkinixx: that is no reason to hurt someone like that.... andrew_75uk: i know but i promise i will make it up to you andrew_75uk: i want to be with you stikkinixx: I may be fat and ugly...but I am a really sweet, great girl...and I do not deserve that andrew_75uk: you are not ugly and i don't like girls who are skinny andrew_75uk: click here to see another picture of me: http://i16.yimg.com/16/352c6e7f/h/5ebd8957/Andrew.jpg stikkinixx: I don't care what you look like...it doesn't matter.. andrew_75uk: will you be my girlfriend then? stikkinixx: I don't know you even....and you aren't forgiven (there was more, it was the same shit so I'm not gonna put it up).........I had a really great day...
**4/30/01** I spilled orange juice on my keyboard...my spacebar sticks really really bad...I have to punch it to get it to work and usually it makes at least 4 spaces...I refuse to use periods instead like.this.and.be.like.those.annoying.scenester.kids.though. So, I will have to put up with punching the spacebar. I'm going to take my keyboard apart and clean it later. I talked to Mike last night...I hate myself...I can't make up my mind...love is such a strong word...I shouldn't use it anymore. I don't think I really mean it....I know I'm insane. He was talking about being together soon and blah blah...It's like because he just dissapeared for over a month again, I knew I musn't be on his mind all that often anyways...and instead of feeling love for him...I feel indifference...funny how fast my mind changes...there is a perfect boy I know...but I can't love him..and he won't love me...it's the friends thing...or something...reminds me of the Matt thing...don't wanna do that again...it even feels the same...as it did when I first started crushing on Matt...argh...psh...I need to shut the fuck up and chill out...be happy with what I've got...ha...boys boys boys...I want em all...like 5 at a time...yep...Nooooo...1 at a time...for a day or two each...nah...I dunno...dunno what I want...never really have...I change my mind every few minutes...*giggles* Eddie Vedder is still hot...or could be if he shaved...his body is still hot though..hehe...after all these years, the Paerl Jam fan in me is still there...rarely comes out though...It's fun...makes me feel 14...12 even...ooohhhh I was suppsed to meet Mike in chat today...but I forgot...heh...you'd think after the fuss I made that he'd still be on my mind after talking to him last night but, nope....oh well...by the way...if you think you are that male friend I was talking about above...you are wrong...trust me...it's not you...
**4/26/01** There is no point in leaving the house anymore....everyone is SHIT! Okay, not everyone but close...I have so much that I'm upset about now, that I don't even know what to say...I'm tired of being the 3rd wheel...the girl that's 'just there'....tonight I said "Jim, after you get offsale, you should meet me out front and we'll hang out" He said no....He didn't feel like walking that block...Neil is hesitant to talk to and hang out with me..Shiply was asked if he missed me...he said "Missed is a strong word" and walked away...the guy...he is dreamy...smart...nice...cute... gave us (Jessi & I) a ride home...I know his books...I know his music...I know his conversation...she doesn't....she's just cute...no attention to me...just her...she didn't remember his name...I did...he didn't remember mine...but he remembered hers...I was like invisible...I was just her fat ugly friend that was tagging along...I was there so she wouldn't feel uncomfortable with him...I'm the token fat friend...I get home and people on the net wanna talk to me...not about me though...they wanna ask me if I've talked to this hot chick or that hot chick recently...I haven't? Oh...laters then....and I HATE girls who can have nearly any guy they want...and take total advantage of it and shit on the poor fools....this guy, was sooooo obviously in love with this girl...another guy is after her whom she treats like shit....but she gets a chance to fuck him...so the first guy gets his heart broken...and then both guys end up feeling bad because she pretty much sets them up against eachother...I fucking hate her...I'd give my fucking soul to have a guy like she did that loved me as much as he loved her...I cried my eyes out over that...I've cried sooo many times in the last few hours....grrrrr
**4/25/01** *Yawns* it is 8am...I've been awake for hours...In two hours I meet with my case manager...he is so lame...He is going to get mad because I didn't fill out any of my paperwork...if he wants it filled out, he can do it himself...It was my brother's birthday on the 23rd...super cute...all blues clues....he got an old super nintendo that we cant get him away from...I forgot to mention in my previous entry that I talked to Beth at the bar....it was soo awkward...good thing I was toasty drunk...she sat right next to me and said "I don't hate you ya know, I thought you hated me...that letter you wrote was hard...I carry it with me...I've been trying to come up with a reply, but I can't" I don't remember much else. It was sooo uncomfortable...we tried to say that things are okay now, but they're not. She took off as soon as I left the room without saying goodbye. Who knows what's to happen now...No word from Mike yet...and the phone jerkoff guy told me he was killing himself after I told him he grossed me out...yet he's still online and his name isn't idle...argh! I can't stand people like that...My hopes aren't up for Mike...if someone else comes along that I like I'm goin for it...Such as the super cool person I'm currently chatting with...I'm a giant nerd...but, no one aside from net people could give a fuck about me really so what the hell...*An hour and a half later* That guy sucks...anyways...my case manager guy was just here...he's no help...I'm not gonna get into why he comes...none of your business...I get several hits a day in here and on my web site, and very few of you have signed my guestbook...you should go do that right now...you don't have to put a comment...just fill in the other stuff...hehe...DO IT!
**4/22/01** Happy birthday Mike....wherever you are...I miss you and love you much...I finally got out of the house...wed night I got really drunk...hung out at a house with 3 others...listened to music and talked...great fun...went to a party full of snobs and a blacklight...that sucked....had an immense hang over the next day and talked on the phone to a nasty guy who I no longer like...he jerked off during our convo and I'm quite sickened...it was NOT phone sex or even close...we were talking about music...I felt like shit all of thursday and slept through most of it...friday I went to the corner bar, got wasted off someone elses dollar, hung out with Jim...wanted him...asked him if he remembered our one nighter we had a year ago...he does...it hurts...he doesn't care...of course...Jessi (girl) tried to beat up some guy, and then wanted to fuck him...we went to a party..I got a smooch from a stranger...was surprised...nice hugs...got my purse back...went home...talked on the phone for a few hours...pretty cool..went to bed and slept like a rock...no hangover for like the first time ever! I hate how when I get drunk around Jim, I want him again...I want to kiss him and sleep next to him...we've done that sooo many times...and I get incredibly jealous of all other girls in his life...but, I still don't want him to be my boyfriend...when I'm sober, I usually don't want him at all...but still get super jealous...I still want to cuddle with him and things...it snowed today...that's sick...snow at the end of April...I'm real cold...my grandpa insisted on shoveling eventhough it will melt tommorow...he fell...it was scary...It's my brother's birthday tommorrow...he turns 6...should be cute...I hope I hear from Mike soon...
**4/15/01** I get carried away sometimes...I know...can't help it...hehe...many times after saving a jornal entry, I want to delete it...but i don't..because then I wouldn't be being real...so I leave them there for you to all read and be like "Jeeez, what a geek" Lol...well, I have these intense moments sometimes...and they get out of control...my last entry is a prime example of that. I'm not taking what I said back...I'm just not quite THAT intense feeling about it...I keep having dreams about my ex boyfriend from 3 years ago...my only serious relationship...gave him my viginity...I dunno why I keep dreaming of him...I think that Mike kinda reminds me of a him in a way...it's weird...they aren't bad dreams...always good..I just really don't want to have them anymore...
**4/12/01** OH MY GOD! It's only been like 2 minutes after I saved my last entry! I tried to talk to the sweet sXe boy...but he's busy and will talk to me another time...left me a bit sad...I went into my comp and started playing 'Those Eyes, That Mouth' By the Cocteau Twins and got this sad/weird feeling all over..through my chest and heart into the pit of my stomach...I MISS MIKE! I dunno if he reads this or if any of you know who I'm talking about but several entries in here have been about him...he was my last internet love type thing...and I broke it off...I thought I was over it, but I'm not. I think I just wanted to be over it...I was dealing with so much other stuff...I was still upset over Matt...I saw Mike's picture finally, and started to cry...not because he's like super hot or anything...I wasn't even thinking about his looks...I was thinking "That's him...that's the guy I've been talking to all these months that loves me...and I loved him...he's real...soooo real." I knew he was real, I'd talked to him on the phone...but that made it more real...and it hurt...we still talk...but he's not on much...I just started this song...and my heart hurt...I got butterflies in my chest and stomach and though of him...I've been dreaming about him but hadn't remembered until just now...and our last conversation was so wonderful...it was like falling for him all over again...for real...not on the rebound..I want to talk to him! I want to hear his voice again! I want to hug him and kiss him and have him with me for real! I'm starting to cry now...I'm sober as hell even! It's this song! This song did it! This song brought it out! He's kinda a gangsta type...listens to music I hate..been in a good amount of trouble..but his mind and heart are truely amazing! *goes to write him an email*
**4/12/01** I am sooo fucking tired, and I really shouldn't be...I should be wide awake...I sure as hell slept enough...I have to get up at like 8:30 am tommorrow and go see my shrink...oh joy...then later I get to meet up with my case manager...yay...my physical therapist guy wanted me to come in too..fuck that...oh yeah, I was gonna talk about that...I go to physical therapy..known to some of you as physio...and this guy, who's like in his early 30's I'd say dressed like a gym teacher comes in and looks at my bare ass. I fuckin hate it, he pulls these stupid gym shorts I gotta wear below my ass as I lay on a table, squirts some jell shit on my ass and back...puts those lil electro things on me, and massages my ass and back with an ultra sound machine that also sends like electric vibes into my muscles and it hurts...feels like he's electrocuting me...I have to tell him to turn it down every time...then, he wipes the jell off, and puts heat lotion on and massages my ass with his hands *UGH* He talks to me while he's doing it and his voice gets lower and softer like he's 'enjoying' himself...and the softer and lower his voice gets, the harder he presses...now, I know I'm no hottie, but maybe he's into fat chicks with ugly asses and stretch marks or some shit...I mean, my last 'boyfriend' totally had this thing for my ass, always touching and grabbing it and stuff while we were in bed hangin out...and it just reminded me of that...very similar with the voice thing...*vomits* Who knows though..maybe he really is just doing his job...Why, of all places, does it have to be in my ass...Now, don't even think about this in a gross out way, I'm not talking about my rectum here, I'm talking buttocks...hahaha...I love that word...I over pronounce the t's and the ck and laugh every time...I know, I'm a geek...I never said to be otherwise...My lil punk guy makeoutclub.com thing isn't going so well...I mostly get messages from teen boys...and hot guys that know they are hot and continuously ask me if I want more pics of them...Uhm...no thanks, conversation please...There is a real sweetie though...I don't think he likes me anymore...dunno why...but, I think after the first few chats, he got tired of me or something...Me & straight-edge vegans don't mesh well...I'm like, their opposite...I will never be one of them...all of my friends that were straight-edge vegans are either now drunken carnivores, or stoner veggie pot heads...kinda funny I think...They try to make excuses for it but, we all know they were just following a small punk rock trend...The first message I got from MOC was from this guy from australia I think...and the first thing he said was "I SO want you!" I was like WOAH COOL! Haha, and then he said he had to go but I would hear from him soon for sure...I'm still waiting...tick tock tick tock....
**4/10/01**"I want you to want me...I need you to need me...I'd love you to love me....I beg you to beg me..."~Cheap Trick...that song is what it's all about I tell ya...I'm in a pretty good mood...I think it's because punk rock guys think I'm hot...but the emo ones don't like me because I'm fat...how pathetic is that..of all people...emo guys...these guys are usually known to be insecure, whiny, overly sensitive, wear geeky glasses and listen to Weezer...or that's what I think of...and they dislike me for being fat...ha! Well, the guys that think I'm hot can beat up the emo guys so it's all good...I joined makeoutclub.com...I was way bored and ended up there somehow...saw lots of hot guys with tattoo sleeves and quickly signed up...*grrr*...so they find me and send me instant messages and emails...pretty sweet deal...the very few guys I IM'd first were snobby "I'm cooler than you" assholes...I HATE those guys...they should know that they are SO not unique...there are a million other guys out there just like them...Here's how they are: They have the short n shaggy hair, usually dark brown or black...lots have side burns...they wear small thrift store t-shirts and long sleeved fitted dress shirts usually black...belts almost always...most often they will wear dress pants and shiny shoes...or jeans on their 'dress down' days...real skinny...scenetser guys...god I hate those guys...why do they have that fuckin attitude? They have no right at all to be so concieted...they are NOT that cool, and they are all the same...it's rediculous...no more sending out instant messages for me...I'll wait for them to come to me...and if they don't...who cares, I won't have lost anything...but many have already so I'm doin pretty good...there is one guy that I REALLY want to talk to though...he is SO fucking hot...yummm...but I can't do it...he's badass totally...I'll talk about my physical therapy experience tommorrow *wanders off to take her next dosage of pills*
**4/06/01** I feel like I have a hang over....and I haven't been drinking...I CAN'T drink...I've been taking so many pills....pain pills, muscle relaxers, anti-depressants...not only do I feel hung over, but last nights events are a bit fuzzy...so if I was fucked up, I swear I didn't know it, I mean...I know I was a little off...but not as much as I may have actually been...my new psychologist turns on this mood tape when we talk...it's so annoying...it's the sound of waves and the ocean...it's not calming at all..it distracts me...it also makes me look at him and think "He's too new and too young to deal with me." But, I'd feel bad dropping him and getting a new one....AGAIN...I go through psychiatrists and psychologists like mad...I've had so many there's no way I could remember them all...I never stick with one long enough to actually make a difference...and Iusually hate them so I don't want to tell them anything...my head hurts sooo bad this morning...I haven't taken any of my pills yet...I wonder if it's like withdrawls or something...maybe I'm gonna become addicted to prescription meds and have to be put in treatment...if I see that coming, I'll drink with them, and pretend I'm a rock star...it's really tempting to drink on them actually, as I know I'll get fucked up as all hell..but, I also might get REALLY sick and possibly die...sooo, I think I'll resist that urge...I could never make it as a true rock star...I'm too much of a wuss...I'm not 'wild' enough..er something...I have to stay home, otherwise I will drink...watch, this will be the night someone calls and invites me out...blah
**4/02/01** People don't like me because I'm depressed....and I'm depressed because people don't like me....today...a guy that at first, seemed pretty cool...stopped talking to me because I'm fat...he looked at a picture of me where I don't even look that big...just chubby...was very rude to me...and went away...I saw his picture before he saw mine and I thought he was ugly as hell...but that didn't stop me from thinking he could carry a good conversation...it's funny how most guys that think they have better than average loks...are usually about as cute as my asshole...some of the best looking guys I've ever seen...had no idea they were good looking at all...some of you should probably remember that...alot of girls have agreed with me on this....ever since I've ben trying to lose weight...my aunt has boght an apple pie every other day...as soon as one is gone...she gets another...fucking bitch...I swear she does such things on purpose....then she tries to tell me what I should eat...against my doctor...as if she'd know better, she's no thin beauty queen....she used to be fat as hell..but now she barely eats anything..she skips breakfast and lunch...eats barely anything for dinner...and then eats candy in her room...and drinks a 12 pack of diet coke a day....yeah, that's healthy...not to mention the chain smoking part of her diet...yeah..that would be good for me...I'm not going to starve myself...and I'm not capable of starving myself...I'm not capable of avoiding that pie...or all the other things I'm not supposed to eat...wich is all we have to eat...we have no good healthy food....just fattening junk...I swear I've been crying on constant for days...I thought I was getting better...I thought I was gonna be okay...but I just keep getting worse...
**3/31/01** I'm losing or have lost my other best friend now. I dunno him in person but...he was still my best friend. I think he's sick of me. I'm pretty sure that's what happens and that's why no one likes to hang out with me. Now I can't stop crying again. I can't lose another friend...esp this one...I just can't. I just wouldn't know what to do. It's just so hard to talk to him these days. He's got his own problems to deal with...so I don't wanna talk about mine...but if I don't talk, he doesn't talk either...and then goes away. Grrr! I can't stand this anymore! I never want to get out of bed again...I want to sleep forever. I don't know how to NOT annoy people I guess.I don't know how to make them stay....they get mad if I don't talk...get annoyed when I do...I don't have anyone to talk to...and what do I say when I do? I wish I could just die...I'll be alone forever...pretty soon my grandpa will be gone and my aunt and brother will move away. My aunt, I know, wouldn't want me to go with. She can hardly stand me either. I wish my brother hated me so I could fucking die. It seems I'll always be just a fat, annoying, stupid, worthless loser for the rest of my life anyways, so what's the fucking point? I try to fix it...but I can't do it alone....I have NO support...I can't fucking do anything...I'm not even going to try to make new friends or lovers anymore...they all just go away....all of them...People won't even talk to me in chat rooms...how pathetic is that. I post and post, and no one seems to notice or care. I can't take it anymore...there is another person that says they care SO much...but I rarely hear from them anymore either...I hear from no one....when even your internet friends stop liking you...you know you have to be the biggest loser ever. Just a small not saying hello would just totally make my day....I could dissapear forver and no one would even notice...and if they did, they would probably just shrug and say "Oh well" I'm so fucking stupid I can't even hold a conversation...I give up...I fucking give up....* dissapears *
**3/29/01** I am fucking tired...Yesterday I was just sitting here, kinda bored...and I got a phone call. To my suprise it was Jim. I don't think he has called me since high school. Maybe once or twice to ask a question, but not to hang out. I mean, we've hung out ALOT over the years...made out a few seperate times...he was kinda my first boyfriend...although it wasn't 'official' lol..cause you know, in high school, you have to ask the other one to be your steady...haha...last summer at Testical Fest...I'll explain that another time...we had a drunken one night stand type thing...we've never talked about it and it hasn't put even the slightest dent in our friendship. That rocks. He's a traveler..so if he's not in town, I duno where he is most of the time. Anyway, he called and we went to karaoke night. I haven't been to that since the falling apart of Beth & I's friendship. Of course he had no money, and I did...so, he went and got the beer...no one was there and we laughed our asses off at a few of the people that were singing and dancing. People showed up...drank more beer...talked to people...then Jim was leaving with Tim...and Tim didn't seem to want me to come with. He had to bring me though cause I was with Jim...at Tim's apt he kept giving Jim beer...but not me...that's pretty rude. Jim, as always, shared it with me. We always share. Was boring there, so Jim called Cory to come get us...I think I left my purse there but, I'm not sure. I hope so, cause it wasn't with me when I got home. I came in and statred chatting...something upset me, and I started crying. I wasn't even very drunk. I guess it had something to do with the other night...my date or whatever. I was talking to this guy I met and asked him to come over...and we watched cartoons. I had something in my eye though and it hurt really super bad...and I could NOT get it out...I tried eyes drops, water...my finger...by the time I finished messing with it...he was going home and my eye was red as hell and buring. It was like 8am at this point, I felt much better esp after the nice hug I got :) Had to get up at noon and meet this case worker guy....that sucked...my eye was still fucked up, I was dead tired, and I had to answer lots of questions. It's now 7pm and I'm still awake. I guess I should stay awake so I don't wake up at like 2am and sit here tired all day tommorrow...I've gotta archive some of these entries soon...I hate doing that...
**3/28/01** I really dunno what to say in here right now....I don't know what I've just done....why I've just done it...and why I agreed to possibly do it again. I didn't do anything illegal, or fuck anyone...although they did ask...I really miss innocent first kisses...where they kiss you almost unexpectedly..and you are both super nervous...and it's really sweet and nice...and it isn't all lusty and hands all over right away...just a sweet kiss...respectful...and that's that...just everything that happened tonight totally confused me...I mean nothing happened but, for some reason, I agreed to see him again...I'm gonna have to cancel that...cause I feel really used now...I think if they try to fuck you on the first date...you obviously mean very little to them...I'm not really into being just a hole to fuck....If sex was all I wanted, I'm sure it wouldn't be too hard to get...my first kiss was with a guy like this...hung out with me all day...kissed me..tried to get in my pants...I said no...he took me home...that was that...I like it when you are friends first...and it just happens naturally....if you want sex..don't come to me and waste both my time and yours, go to a fucking bar...if you try to sleep with me on a first date after pretending you care all night...you are NEVER going to get it...it's different meeting at a bar and having a one night stand....or meeting with the pure intention on both sides of just fucking....but to drive 4 hours to meet up with someone and hang out...and have like a first meeting and a first date, and then try to sleep with them right away...that's just cheap...making a move is okay even...but to keep trying, and then to dare ask for oral..that's just disrespectful and rude...and very cheap...for awhile I was a big walking hormone...because of medication change I think....and it worried me...I thought I wouldn't be able to say no...turns out that while physically things are different...mentally I'm still the same...thank god...ahhhhh...I'm still the make out queen, and a sexual prude...lovely
**3/24/01** I should have a disclaimer on my journal, or really just on my web site. Just because you read this, or look at my web site...doesn't mean you know me...or have got me all figured out. This journal is only a small part of me...it's not how I ALWAYS feel, or always think...it takes me minutes to write an entry...I write in here to get things out for myself...get things off my chest...the 23& 3/4 hours left I might be in a completely different mood, or state of mind. I don;t walk around day and night going "Boo fucking hoo, I've got no friends...cry cry.." I'm not ALWAYS sad...infact...not even the majority of the time...but I write in here when I am, because it helps me feel better and think things out more clearly...again...what I display in here is a tiny part of who I am...same with the rest of my site...just had to get that out...I decided I'm so jealous because I want a bitch...when I break up with a guy...I don't want them...but I want them to be my bitch and want me and me only. I think everyone is like that...but not many will put it that way...but that's how it is. People will deny that they want someone to be their bitch...but it's just like masturbation...everyone does it....