º11/30/00~3/21/01º
**3/21/01**"If you were here, I could decieve you..."~Thompson Twins... I'm basically writing this morning out of sheer boredom. It's almost 4am and I don't want to go to bed. I'm sure I could sleep...I really don't know what's keeping me from actually trying. I've got an appointment at 11am with my new shrink. I'm gonna be so tired. The above song quote is the song at the very end of Sixteen Candles, where Molly Wringwold and that guy are sitting on the table with a birthday cake. I've always LOVED that song, and recently found it on Napster. I can't stop listening to it now. My diet is going better now. I've stopped being so militant about it. I decided that I will eat the same dinner my family does instead of worrying about how many carbs are in it. I mean, by doing that, I'm still cutting out a massive amount of carbs that I normally would eat. I've slacked off on the excersize for 3 days though. It's like I sleep half the day...then I'm busy until after dinner...and after dinner there's people online that I want to chat with...pretty soon it's all late and I'm like "Fuck it". I can't let that happen today...I've had problems with diet and excersize in the past where I over do it. I don't cut down...I cut out....I don't do 30 min a day, 3 days a week...I do an hour a day, 7 days a week...and that's really not good. I'm trying to find a happy medium here between the all or nothing. Damn, I'm hungry right now. That sucks...I hate dragging my ass upstairs to find something fast and small to satisfy my hunger pangs in the middle of the night...esp when I'm about to go to bed. *shrugs* oh well...water will have to do...my bed is finally calling me....
**3/18/01** I'm hung over once again *ouch* Thankfully not as bad as last time. Last time I wanted to die. I had the drunken hick-ups so bad last night that I had to make myself vomit to make them go away. I know that's damn gross, but the hick-ups hurt...they are evil. I think I woulda puked anyways. I then broke my diet by eating a huge slice of pizza...well, actually I broke it before when I started drinking tons of beer. I'm on a low carb, high protien diet...it's a killer. I got real depressed yesterday...I was bawling my head off over my fatness and how ugly I thought I was..then I went on this web site that's locally made called coachand6.com and listened to a recorded web cast of the Wisconsin Dells...Neil's old band...they were my favorite...so I got kinda misty-eyed...it made me REALLY want to go out...so I called up my friend Aaron...he's so sweet...and he & Jes came and got me...we went to Ralphs corner bar and talked about gross shit...then I saw Neil and he had shaved off his horrible facial hair...he looked soooo cute...I talked to him for a long time and he kept pooring me beer out of his pitcher....it was dark beer...eeeew, I hate dark beer, but I chugged it down...then I went to two parties where I saw bunches of people I knew...there was a dj spinning but hardly anyone there hehe....then I made Neil sit and talk to me outside, and I met this girl that has horns...she was jealous of me cause I knew her boyfriend and we 'looked close'. *Shrugs* I used to be good friends with him...she seriously does have horns...and they aren't implants either...they are real...it's fucking scary...she looks evil too..then the cops came and busted the quiet party...there were 3 cops...they kicked the door open...didn't come in...and yelled in "Everyone get your shit and get the fuck out" It was two guys and a woman...the woman cop was the one that yelled...and the men coppers stood on either side of her looking tough...it was like a tv show...I went outside...linked arms with Neil, and walked to the car...he should be mine...entries ago in here, I tried to kid myself and my readers that it was a plutonic crush...where I just REALLY want to hang out with him...which I do...but I wanna fuck him too...and all that other good couple stuff...everyone knows it except him I think...eventhough I told him once. It's like , he's not even hot...he's just fucking awesome and has the best pair of eyes I've ever seen. He told me he didn't want me to go on a diet, and then gave me more beer, hehe. I went to another small party after this, but was only there for like 15min...I spent that entire 15min in the kitchen, drinking water out of a used cup trying to get rid of the hick-ups...I then decided to walk home...I could have had a ride but, I wanted to walk because I thought I might vomit in a car...and I thought it'd be good to walk in the cold air and rid myself of the evil hick-ups...worst case I've ever had...I knew that only vomiting would make them go away. I chatted, ate, and then passed out in bed with my glasses on and the tv blaring...my brother was in my bed when I got home. I'm okay now, but mega tired still. I remember this one guy, named Colby, was suprised that I was drinking bicardi limon strait from the bottle. Hehe, that guy rules. I finally wrote Beth a letter which, I will mail to her tomorrow...my Dad gave me a printer so I did it on my comp as my handwriting is un-readable. My new shrink & I say that our handwriting never improved after kindergarden hehe. This shrink of mine is only a few years older than me...it's kinda weird...and I'm not used to having a male shrink...I'm glad he's not cute, or it'd be real odd telling him all my shit. I've been writing super long entries lately so I'll end it here, heheh
**3/14/01** Sorry about the colors, but I've been messing with html again. I wanted my page to match the ad bar, hehe. The skin around the ad is called "Punky Brewster" Haha, so of course I had to pick it. Plus, I have a thing for pink and stars. I'm so fucking punk rawk! I've been sitting here all day...doing what, I really don't know. My ass hurts now though. Oh! Speaking of my ass hurting, I went to the doc today...and after 3 years of wondering what the pain was from, and her telling me she didn't know, she goes "Oh, it must be (enter medical term here), I'll give you some of these pills and it should go away" I was like "What the FUCK!?" So NOW she suddenly knows what it is. I popped a pill when I got home, an hour later the pain was gone. Heh..I also learned that I'm obese from her today so fuck yall that wouldn't believe me! Weight watchers is $10 a week..that's bullshit. I know nothing's free these days but, I'm a cheap bitch...I will NOT pay that much to sit in a room of strangers crying about my fatness once a week, and standing on a scale so another strange person can record my weight and then proceed to tell me what to do. I'm too rebellious I guess. I'll try and figure out my own fucking point system or some shit. Counting calories is about the same, but I don't have to buy a fancy calculator and go to 'meetings' for $10 a week to do it...not that I'm gonna start counting calories either...hehe..okee...now that that rant is over. I'll probably be fat forever. I wish I could accept it and be happy instead of getting upset about it and dieting...but, I can't damnit! I did enjoy hearing from the doc that not one of those kinds of diet pills and 'miracle' drugs actually work...not even the ones advertised on TV that your doc can prescribe to you...she said slim fast is a bad way to lose weight as it's expensive, un healthy, un satisfying, and that the majority of people that use it, end up gaining back double what they lost. I enjoyed this because I always knew they were shit, and i actually know people that believe that crap. She said phen fen or whatever was truely a 'miracle' drug, and then it took some lives...so fat people are basically screwed unless they get some help and or will power...haha, I like her besides the fact that she couldn't figure out what my ailment was for 3 years and suddenly knew today. Oh well, hopefully it'll get better now. Time to get my obese ass in bed now...haha, sorry, that amuses me because I picture people that need more than 1 airline seat as being obese...or who hangs over their chair at restaurants...and I'm soo not even close to that...yet, I'm considered 'obese'.All the wrong assholes are gonna read this now and continue to harrass me using my biggest insecurity, now a proven fact...oh well, imusic sucks anyways...full of annoying teenyboppers and sick bastards...
**3/12/01** My body is so sore...my neck is stiff, it hurts to turn my head..and I get this pain in my leg/tailbone area that makes it hard to walk. People poke fun because it's like in my ass...but it's serious. It hurts really bad and it scares me. Sometimes I can't walk at all. It comes and goes. It has for years now and my doctors can't figure out what it is. Usually it doesn't hurt if I'm not trying to walk...but right now...I'm just sitting...and it hurts really bad. I'm going to go back to the doctor. What if I had cancer or something...I deserve it you know. No one but me knows why...but I do. And it's not just some dumb thing where I'm blaming myself for something that isn't my fault, or isn't that big of a deal. I have no idea why I just wrote about that. The cycle of friends keeps happening. I lose them just as fast as I get them. I'm even losing my internet friends now. It's like we just grow apart all of the sudden. Out of no where things get really impersonal and we can't talk anymore. No one knows what to say. Maybe I get too close to people too fast. Maybe I kinda scare them. Things get too intense too fast and I let so much out, that there's nothing left after awhile. I try not to do that. I try not to tell people my life story in the first 5 minutes...but it's like I can't help it. It starts out they ask me if I work...since I don't it's 'How do you live?'...then 'Why such a strange living arrangement?' and 'Where are your parents?' Soon after it's 'What do you do for fun?' and since it's really not much they ask 'Why'? Eventually it gets to 'Do you have a boyfriend?' And when I say no, for some reason they always ask 'Why?' I have no idea why they ask that. What am I supposed to say? If I try to play it off cool and say I don't want one...they say 'How come?' Oh, because I like being alone and never getting laid. They ask why I don't go to school, and why don't I go out much...eventually they know how insanely insecure and depressed I am...that my mother is a junkie in prison and all the other totally unappealing stuff there is to know about me. Then they talk to me a few more times, and we are great friends..I think because they feel bad for me...but eventually, they just go away completely. There's nothing to know anymore...I never ask questions...and I'm a walking mood swing. They get aggrovated with my arguing about how fat and ugly I am. They get angry because I rarely know what to say or how to respond to certain things. They get annoyed by my inability to make any sort of decision...they don't understand why I hate al the things I do...and why I get irritated when they try to help me by making 1,000 suggestions of things I've either already tried...know won't work or I just don't want to do. People often give me advice for things I don't even think are wrong...such as my lack of activity...and I don't mean with jobs or school...I mean with like extra-curricular activities...or whatever. I've agitated myself now.
**3/10/01** "Touch me I'm sick...."~Mudhoney...Soooo, I went out last night...I drank 2 pitchers of beer myself plus a bottle of some micro brew...I really didn't feel as drunk as I must have been given the intensity of my hangover today...my head has never hurt so much...it was like a fucking migrane...I tried to sleep it off but, I kept having to get up and vomit. I tried to eat plain cheerios...but couldn't even keep that down...and the more hungry I got...the more sick I felt...I finally got in a good nap and was able to eat dinner. I'm much better....now I just feel like I have a normal hang over instead of the 'I wish I was dead' one I had earlier. I did have fun last night though. I went to the corner bar...and it's been ages. I talked to Neil for a long time...I have a never ending crush on him. He has the ugliest facial heair...and is kinda small...but he has the most wonderful blue eyes...and he writes and sings extrodinary songs...every band he's been in has been totally amazing. The last band was so good that some of their songs could about make me cry. I was so sad when they broke up. I would have stayed home from going to Duran duran to see their last show if I could have...no lie. But I already had my bus ticket. I saw them play about a half hour before I got on the bus to virginia. Neil is really nice and super cool...we get along really well..but he doesn't like me anymore than a friend I think. He knows I had a huge crush on him as I told him...but I don't think he knows I still do, hehe. Sometimes I don't even know it until I see him. I walked home from a party I ended up at. It's been a long time since I've walked home from over there. I had to walk near Beth's house. I was pretty sad about that. I tried to call her when I got home but, nobody picked up. Ugh..my head still hurts so bad and its's almost 8pm. I worked out yesterday. My arms are sore from it. I'm determined to have nice arms so I can show off my tattoos. Hopefully the rest of me will get nicer too.
**3/03/01** Well, last night was lots of fun. I got to see my Jeff and of course got jealous that he has a girlfriend. We hugged and hugged. He's been looking for me and vice versa. He reminds me of Graham Coxon of Blur...or would alot more if he dyed his hair back to dark brown. His nose isn't big but it's the way he carries himself, his eyes and his glasses. I hung out with my teen boy posse...and got way drunk. I had urges to try and seduce one of them, and I'm sure I coulda got him but I didn't do it as I know I would highly regret it when sober. He is not attractive and he's like 19...haha...I stayed up all night and took a very small nap during Family Ties. Mary & I went to watch cartoons at the Fargo theater as planned and got free doughnuts, hehe...I'd seen all the cartoons before but it was still cool watching them in a theater that was built in the 1920's and is still in tip-top shape. It's beautiful in there. I went home after that and finally got in bed around 11...I slept all day pretty much. I did get up for dinner, hehe...tonight's plans fell through I guess...they never were 'official'...it was like, 'Hey, we should do this tommorrow night' and 'Yeah, I'll talk to you later' Then I slept all day haha. I could have gone and partied with my teen boy posse again but, I'm too done in from last night...I have major heartburn from the mass amount of beer I drank *ouch* I went to a gas station with one of my boys, in hopes of seeing my ex who works there. The ex boyfriend that I lived with for 9 months and was my first love. I haven't seen him since we broke up 3 years ago...I've talked to him on the phone once or twice though. I dunno why I wanted to see him. I should just stay away from him forever. One look at him, I'm sure, would cause pain even though *I* ended the relationship...that's doesn't mean I didn't still love him, it was because he was a little jackass...and still is a little jackass, so I've heard, only he recently lost a child, so I'm sure he's a bit more tame. He knows what pain is now and he didn't before. Sadly, I think everyone really has to know what pain feels like in order to properly deal with others, and to really love. I'm going to get a pet mouse soon. I feel that I need one. I've had a few before that I saved from my dad's tarantula...I like having something like that to care for...they are so cute! I want a little grey one...I was gonna get ne today but, I was too tired and my head hurt. All I wanted was my bed. I suddenly remembered Doogie Howser MD....haha...and how at the end of each show, he typed a little journal entry with an important lesson on his computer...lol..I almost felt like him a minute ago, without the big eared kid genius thing...Doogie would type something about pain and love...Signing off
**3/02/00** Hehe, this will be a suprising entry...I'm actually HAPPY! Lol! No tears...I think it's the weather....a few months back I mentioned in here how I was falling into the winter depression...well, it's almost spring so I hope it's gone now. It's friday night and I actually have plans. I'm gonna go party. It better be fun...I'll make myself have fun even if it's lame. Tommorrow night I'm going to the bar with a guy, and on sunday I'm gonna go hang out with another guy at his place I think. Having plans is nice for a change. I'm tired of sitting here in tears cause I have nothing to do and I'm alone. Last night I had a dream that I got shot in the chest by a teen boy, and I took a gun from some other teen boy and shot them both. It was terrible at first, but then all these people came to see if I was alright...all these people I know in real life. Maybe that's why I'm happy today, because I realised I've probably been waaay over reacting. FUCK IT! I'm gonna go have me some FUUUUN!
**2/29/01** So, as I've mentioned before...I have an invisible counter on my journal page that not only tells me how many people read it but, when, where they linked to it from, if they use windows or mac, what browser, and also their ip address that can sometimes tell me where they are from....about 10 people read it per day...different people...alot of them come back more than once, some have it bookmarked, and some live in my city. That totally freaks me out...I feel uncomfortable about it. It makes me feel like I should really censor myself...because I don't know exactally WHO these people are. I was asking for it by having an online journal really. I want some people to know these things about me...but at the same time it made me realise that some of the people that know me or have met me, will now know just how fucking sad and pathetic I am. The latest entries have just screamed I am a fucking LOSER! Maybe I shouldn't care what other people think so much...but I know how my 'friends' that know me in person are, and they are just big enough assholes to totally make fun of me about it. I put friends in '' because these people don't live here anymore...I can't hang out with them, and when they are in town, they don't call me anyways. I'm pretty tired of hearing their shit about me and everyone else. It seems all they can do is shit talk. Sarah listens, and I love her. When she was here we never hung out much though...but she still always listened. Still not friends with Beth...the longer this goes on...the more uncomfortable it will be when we finally run into eachother. I'm going to write her a letter I think. I just don't know what to say. I wrote my sister an email, kinda getting on her about being a shit to me and it made her cry. In a good way though...like she cried because she realised how she had been to me. I haven't been as sad as I was these last few days. I've been ok...I haven't cried since friday I think. I built a new web site...which some of you know as you linked here off of it....I like it much better than the other one...as soon as I get the new one under www.clambake.co.uk...I'll delete the old one...I really like the little chat thing on my menu page. It's a little bit better to me than instant messengers, and not as annoying as a regular chat room...because it is and mostly will be people I know, or cool people...as anyone that visits my site is obviously cool,hehe..My head hurts..off I go..
**2/23/01** "Please please please...let me get what I want...lord knows it would be the first time..."~The Smiths....So, it's friday night...will I go out? will I stay home? Who knows right now...I called a handfull of people...no one has called me back yet, and I bet no one will...I've cried every night since Beth stopped being my friend...I don't know what to do about it. I wish I could talk to her but, I wouldn't know what to say. She doesn't want to hear it. I was always the best friend I could be to her...so what happened? A really sweet person got me a domain for my web site...so now the addy is www.clambake.co.uk ....hehe, I know I don't live in the UK but that's what he could get and I'm quite happy with it...it was very nice of him to do that for me. My head hurts sooo bad...I keep thinking I should go take a shower just in case someone happens to invite me out. Just in case SOMEONE happens to call me back...but then it'll be like getting my hopes up. When it gets warmer out I'm going to invade. I'll go out by myself and give em all the big fuck you. But, until then...I'll just sit here and cry and feel sorry for myself.
**2/20/01** I've been so full of shit...and soo fucked up, and I'm totally fucked up now...drug free even...I've been bawling my eyes out...you know what? To those that I told I loved...I really did, I meant it with all my heart and soul...and I feel sooo stupid for it now...so fucking dumb..I can't believe that I actually thought it was 'different this time'...I was wrong, I can't get over it, because I still don't understand what happened...one person was my best friend...and I could tell him anything, and I did too...and I trusted him, and he said he could never sleep with anyone he wasn't in love with...I know, thats pretty fucking stupid for me to believe that one...it was way more than a slap in the face when I woke up to the reality of that one...then there's that person that really made me feel special...I was so jaded, and didn't want to believe a word of it but, it was 'different this time'...and then I got dumped because I wouldn't have cyber sex..it was all about cyber sex...my god, how much more fucking lame can I get!? I'll tell you...I fell for another net guy, he understood me soo well, he would tell me about myself before I told him shit...we were so opposite in life style, but so uch the same at heart...and then I didnt hear from him for 3 months, yet, I should still love him? I should just accept his 'I'm sorry' and be all happy? Fuck that...then there's all the people that say they are friends, and they care, and they love me...but I never hear from them again...I tried to play it off all cool, like "I wasn't IN love with you" or "I don't give a shit what people think" Or, "If they don't like me, then fuck them" Yeah, those things are so easy to say...but it surely doesn't stop me from wishing I was dead...not even to escape...just to hurt people...just to give everyone the big FUCK YOU! To say, you forgot about me, but you never will again! I'd do it all sick like...I'd send everyone a picture of me flicking them off, and a lil note...so they'd get it after I was dead...and then I'd tape my fingers down, leaving my middle finger up...and I'd swallow a ton of pills, slit my wrists and that'd be that...yeah, I'm selfish...but who wouldn't? I mean, if you have no one, why not? No one gives a fuck about me so it seems, so why shouldn't I be totally selfish right now? Some of you care, some of the net people...that's nice...but, it doesn't get me out of the house on a weekend...it doesn't give me a shoulder to cry on or a hug when I need one most...I surely wish it did...it seems like everyone I knoe has at least someone to talk to and to hug maybe...someone to hang out with on a friday night...someone to share with, laugh with...a friend or a lover...I have this computer screen...I know there are people worse off than me...but, given how everyone seems to forget me, I'm sure they wouldn't want my friendship either...I have my brother...I'd die without him...he's all I've got...I've got a 5 year old little brother..to all you assholes...a 5 year old is waaaaay better than you...a 5 year old can see what you can't...why is it that a 5 year old little boy can love me so much and see the good in me, and always remember me no matter what...but others can't? while I was writing this, I was chatting with the person I didn't hardly hear from...he expects me to love him, and because I don;t know anymore...he wants nothing to do with me...after everything we went through, and that was ALOT...it's sad how people give up so easily...but I guess maybe I did too
**2/15/01**~"Some people call it a one-night stand...but we could call it paradise...don't say a prayer for me now....save it 'till the morning after.."~Simon LeBon...I'm part of a movie...a soundtrack...I am how the music and words go...holy shit...I've written in here whilst drunk before, but I'm just all out fucked up! I'm so messed that the login button at angelfire made me giggle...I was in tears about an hour ago...now I have a smile on my face...pretty sick huh? The Duran Duran song 'Lady Xanax' fits me just perfectly....completely...only I'm not on xanax....feels similar though, as I remember how it felt when I was on it...I know I'm enjoying being fucked up right now...but why the hell do people ALWAYS want to be like this? It would be such a nightmare...you know that Simple Minds video 'Don't You Forget About Me' from the Breakfast Club sountrack?....I feel like I'm in that video right now....it's amusing for a few min but,to be here forever would be complete hell...while reality may be shit...it's so much better than being fucked up like this for more than short periods of time...I did pretty good through Valentines day...I pretty much escaped 'the valentine depression' until this morning, when I woke up at 3am and realised that I had beem ditched the night before...it sucks when people ignore you and what not...but when people totally forget about you all together...that's pretty fucking harsh....but right now I'm fine as I'm high as a kite...how much lower can you really get after this?
**2/14/01** There's not much point talking about valentines day is there? All I will say is that, I'm taking myself out for a valentines meal...and buying myself chocolates and flowers. If no one else is gonna love me, I'm gonna.
**2/12/01**~ I haven't written in here in a month. I'm not really sure why...I'm lazy I guess. For about 2 weeks I didn't have a comp. That sucked...I had to face reality outside my lil 'net world. I cleaned out my room and found things that made me think of something I thought I had dealt with...but I didn't really...I re-painted and decorated some furnature...realised how I have NO real life friends..I mean, outside the net...so are my net friends REALLY friends? Or could I call them aquaintences? My best friend, Beth, suddenly decided to not be my friend at all anymore. It happens everytime I get a good close friend. They hang out with me, only until someone cooler comes along. I didn't think that'd happen with Beth...she was all I had for about 7 years, and vice-versa...but then she stopped being there...and then stopped liking me all together. Why? Because when we go out, I socialise...and I talk about my life...and she doesn't want to hear it. She only wants to talk about hers, and thats it. Seriously, she all but strait out said that. Also because mutual aquaintences don't like her, she thinks *I* talk bad about her behind her back. If I have a problem with someone, I send it flying strait in there face, and she knows that...but decided for no reason, I'm not trustworthy anymore. So, now, I have zero friends. Zero people to really talk to and hang out with...there are a few people I can call on a friday night, looking for something to do...but they would never call me. How do I know? Cause they don't. Fuck it though. Hey, Matt, it kinda sucks that we can't be friends...how we used to be. You know, I'm fine with it...I can get over whatever it was that happened between us, hell, I have gotten over it...it was only 2 weeks, compared to almost a year of knowing eachother. I know I wasn't real pleasing to be around...but I was having a fucking mental breakdown. Lawrence, you are such a fucker..you try to dance in and out of my life...so just because I don't 'want' you anymore, you can't be my friend right? Serge, I miss you. Andy, is there any use chasing you? Sean na na, I'm not mad at you...I still love you to pieces, and Mike..I'm sorry. I know I haven't used names thus far, to protect peoples feelings and make people wonder I guess...but I don't care anymore. I had to say what I had to say.
**1/14/01**~I want you to feel like I do... you'd cry when I'm gone... even though you know I'll be back... a tear would flow just for me... you would not be able to sleep... because I'm not lying next to you... You'd get instantly turned on... everytime I even brushed against you.. You'd tell everyone about me... and you'd tell them how beautiful you thought I was... you wouldn't mind that I will only fuck with the...lights out because you love me and it feels just as good.. You wouldn't get upset at my insecurities.. you'd want to shower me with affection... That is how I'd feel about you... If you'd let me....................fuck all of you that forget me...FUCK YOU!
**1/12/01**~" I miss you, but I haven't met you yet...so special, but it hasn't happened yet...you are gorgeous, but I haven't met you yet I remember, but it hasn't happened yet..And if you believe in dreams...or what is more important...that a dream can come true..I, I will meet you I was peaking...but it hasn't happened yet..I haven't been given..my best souvenir, I miss you, but I haven't met you yet, I know your habit, but wouldn't recognize you yet...and if you believe in dreams...or what is more important...that a dream can come true...I miss you...I'm so impatient...I can't stand the wait...when will I get my cuddle? Who are you? I know by now that you'll arrive by the time I stop waiting...I miss you..."~Bjork... I've been sick for over a week...I feel like shit and I can't go out...I want to go party! My desk is covered in cold stuff...kleenex, nyquil, dayquil, coughdrops, vitaminC, vicks vapor rub, and empty soup bowls...I've been drinking gallons of water, orange juice and green tea with honey...I've been keeping warm and sleeping lots...it just doesn't seem to be getting much better...I've been sooooooo bored! I fell head over heels for someone for like 2 days, and then it just went away... I dunno why...they did nothing wrong...I think it's cause he is too perfect...like, I'm sure he has flaws and all...but they would be good flaws...everything I know about him is wonderful...I'm such a geek...I'm like all '15' right now...when I look at his picture, or talk to him...I get Duran Duran's version of 'White Lines' in my head...I dunno why...he's so Duran Duran...hehe, that won't make sense unless you're me probably...I've said too much....
**1/08/01**~ Okay, this entry is basically a note to someone in particular but, I don't know who they are just yet. Someone has been reading my journal that is from Fargo...I guess I'm a little bit uncomfortable with someone I know reading my journal and not saying anything to me about it. I don't know if I know them, but I could considering they are from my town. It's two people actually. I'm not ashamed of anything I write in here, as it is me..it's who I really am.. it's my heart, my soul and my life...and if someone cares to know about it, and is a part of my life...I would like to know about it..otherwise I almost feel spied on even though this is a public page...is it a friend? My father? My sister? Or someone I don't know that wants to know me? I have a counter on here that gives me everyones dialup or ip addy that reads my journal...also where they linked to it from, and it looks like this person has my journal bookmarked...basically I can tell who you all are from this information as usually the state and or city your internet connection comes from is in the dialup thing...don't worry, I don't have your phone number or anything...but anyways, I just want to know who you are...I think it's only fair considering you know who I am...and obviously have some sort of interest in knowing what goes on in my head, how I feel or what I do...so send me an email...let me know...let me know you understand me.. or that you care...or that I disgust you or whatever...let me know you are listening...all of you..
**1/07/01**~"Here I am baby, come and take me..."~UB40... I think I got my hopes up again for something that's not going to happen. I try not to get my hopes up, but it's just something I can't really control. I'm ready to fall in love again. After 3 years...3 fucking years since I've had a real boyfriend and have really been in love I'm finally ready...but it's not going to happen I'm sure. I haven't wanted to be in love since then. I've just wanted to be wild and free. I've wanted to be able to do what I want...make out with some hot guy one night if I wanted to...and have no attachment to them or anyone else. I've had my heart broken alot in the past year...but none of those times was I actually in love...I may have thought I was at the time and, maybe I was...but I didn't want to be...I want to settle down now...not get married and all that jazz..but stop all the partying and flirting around..I want just one guy who actually really loves me back. I fall for guys really fast and really hard...but I don't mean that as an 'in love' way...I get attached...I want things to happen...but they just don't ever seem to. As I was saying...I got my hopes up...I can't go into it much further than that...but, I wish I could. I wonder if people realise how serious I am when I say things sometimes...I bet they just think I'm being flirty...well, if you that are reading this,and are really flirty with me..if you don't mean it, and you don't really want me, and have no plans on really being with me, then just fucking stop...what I really don't understand is the people who tell me how great i am, how beautiful and nice and caring and special I am...if that's true, then why the fuck am i sitting here with no one to even get a god damn hug from? Why is it that their are bitchy, stupid, ugly girls out there that cheat on their boyfriends and treat them like shit...yet they still have someone to go home to at night? How is it that there are millions of people in this world, yet I'm sitting here by myself? Could I really be that bad? I mean their are serial killers out there, and wife beaters, biggots and cheaters that have significant others that still love them...yet here I am..alone..with no one to even talk to if I need to...no one to hug, or kiss, or just hang out with...it's not like I don't try...I'm nice, friendly, caring...I go out...I talk...I socialize and make eye contact and all that other stuff people do....I listen to people, I help them out..I'm giving, I'm not THAT ugly n fat...WTF? I don't want money, or nice clothes, I'm happy wearing the same damn outfit day after day...I don't want a nice car or even a nice place to live...I don't give a shit if I'm out on the streets...I just want someone to sleep next to at night. Someone to love and who loves me. With all those millions of people out there, i don't think that should be so much to ask for...
**1/02/01**~ Haha, okay so I guess I should write about New Years eve here huh? First I will say that I did not behave well at all last year...I made out with a total of 9 guys, slept with 3...and only 1 of them was actually a boyfriend, I guess...yeah, okay he was...anyhow...I'm not a slut, just a friendly drunk...I only regret the fire eater...hehe, I'm not telling that story...last friday I made out with my neighbor of 21 years, he's 27 and just planted one on me at the bar...I haven't actually talked to him in about 10 years...I was a bit shocked...New Years, hehe, Okay, I'll tell it now..started out innocently, playing trivial persuit with some friends...well, I kinda played but not really, I'm too dumb...we got to the bar around 11pm where I slammed 2 whiskey cokes and an old friend fed me lots and lots of beer...I somehow missed the big midnight thing...but got a suprise toungue in the mouth kiss from someone I never excpected that sort of thing from.. I was VERY shocked that time..I smooched someone I haven't even ever had to nerve to talk to.. and then I kissed a flirty friend...and he just kept kissing me..all night..hehe...he was holding my hands, hugging me, kissing me..just by my side all night..a few of my friends did not approve and weren't afraid to show it...I, however, didn't care..I haven't had a kiss that good in forever.. no offense to anyone that may have kissed me recently...hehe..No, we aren't gonna date or anything...I think it was a one night hook up...I'm sure we will stay friends...as our relationship has been very flirty for a long time...I hung out lots with the plutonic crush mentioned in an earlier entry...I got a lil smooch from him too...it was great..lots of fun...I got to hold this really cute lil farret, hehe, he was sleepy and friendly...sooo cute! I remember going home but don't really remember getting there...hehe...I blacked out after that...I woke up with my pants off, my hooded sweatshirt on, no pillow, 2 skinned knees, and had to run to the bathroom to puke...ugh..I was horrible all day long...I think I had gone to get my pajamas on but passed out in the process...my throat is sore now...I skinned my knees from falling and yes, I came home alone..and I really have no desire to drink for a long time...ha! I'm sure that won't last long..I'm gonna start school soon... get my GED, take a few classes...so I'll have to cut down anyways..long ass entry..definately more cheerful than the last...
**12/30/00**~ I haven't cried like this in a long time...I've bawled, I've sobbed...but right now I've got alligator tears running down my face and I feel so stupid...I had to face something I've been avoiding...I've mentioned it in here before...but wouldn't say much..just enough to feel a bit better...but tonight I guess it all came rolling out...it's about wanting the unnatainable...I didn't want them to know...ever...I just wanted to forget about it because then it would just go away...I feel like listening to Nirvana, thinking about how much life sucks...feeling sorry for myself and being an angst ridden, heartbroken teen...only I'm not a teen, I'm an 'adult'...I'm supposed to know better, I'm supposed to be 'grown up'...I'm not supposed to let 'silly' lil things bother me.. I'm not supposed to get upset over some crush...I don't want to care anymore...or feel anything about anyone...I wish I was a cold hearted, selfish fucking bitch...whenever someone likes me for ME, and thinks I'm beautiful..I mean really, not just from the nice well photographed pics, but the rotten ones to...and they are passionate, and caring, and have things in common, they are always unattainable..so what's next...who's next...how many more times will this happen? How many more times does my heart have to ache before it just stops feeling all together? When will it become fucking cold? I want it to be ice! Fucking freezing! No one gets in...I don't want to let anyone in anymore...but I keep doing it, and I'm not even gonna start on how it's different this time...it's always different isn't it? Different pain for different people for different circumstances for different times for different levels for different words...blah blah blah...and on and on it goes... when will I TRUELY get stronger I always feel stronger until the alligator tears come again... I give up...I let go...maybe I'll just remain vulnerable forever...I'll just be a fucking welcome mat.. "welcome to my heart" ~I can't believe I just fucking wrote all that...my soul is officially out there for you all to read~ I feel sick
**12/22/00**~"She kisses harder than me...I guess I'm not that hungry"~Tracy Bonham... I'm getting lazy again...well, lazy about writing in here anyways...today I went to see my shrink and was actually 100% honest with her for like the first time ever..I mean I don't really lie, I just leave alot of stuff out...I didn't tell her before that I really don't want to get out of bed everyday...that if my brother weren't alive I'd probably kill myself no matter how selfish and sick it is...about how I'm so fucking tired of being alone...and I don't mean without a lover.. I mean in every way...friends, family, AND lovers..I know that there's nothing wrong with me.. I mean in the way that I shouldn't be loved..because I give one hell of alot of love out...I give ALOT..but it's very rarely returned. The other day I realised that I could never sit and tell these type of things to a lover, only a friend..anything I write in here really...even trying to explain my intense passion for music...I don't really even have anyone to talk to..no one listens except for this one really special person I met here on the internet...he seems to be the only person in the world that actually listens and seems to want to hear what I have to say...all of it...even the mindless babble. There would be alot less stress in the world if everyone had a friend like that I think. Sadly, I don't think many people do have someone like that. There's this one guy I talk to on here that says he really likes me blah blah...but can't be bothered to read my journal...like he might only do it if he gets bored enough....that really bothers me...if you really want to get to know me, and be with me, I think you'd want to read this...because what I look for most in a person is understanding...I want them to really at least try to understand me...to really give a shit instead of being selfish and all about them..because sometimes talking to this person is like talking to a TV.. you can keep on sayng things to them, but they don't hear you...they just keep goin...like everything is about him...his feelings, what he likes, what he's doing, what he wants...and I listen to all of it...and I talk to him about it...I talk to him about HIM! But when I say something about me...it just gets swung back to him again. But yet he says he really likes me, loves me even, but I don't think he even tries to get to know me...I'm selfish too..but not like that, as I still give and I give ALOT...I will spend hours doing something for someone else just because I like people to be happy, and smile and because I care about people...I cry over people I don't even know because they are in pain...I will spend hours upset because someone else is and there's nothing I can do to help...*sigh* this is just to much...
**12/15/00**~"Whatever was here, has now dissapeared...now here's alright.."~ LeTigre... I had something else here, and I don't know if anyone read it but, I had to delete it...I get pretty damn personal in here but that was too personal..it was something that not everyone needed to see. I suppose because it was obvious as to who it was about. Of course not to just anyone, but in case that person might read this, they'd know it was about them and it was feelings I need to share with them one on one in a more tactful manner. I typed it our in the first place as it made me feel better at the time. I said what I needed to say to this person now and I feel better. Now they know. I hate change.
**12/13/00**~"My boyfriend, teen angel...my boyfriend...irresponsible...my boyfriend ...is venereal....my boyfriend....violates his parol..."~Huggy Bear... I can't stop thinking about him now...I thought he was out of my head! I made a mistake...I told somebody something that I shouldn't have...I meant it...but not as much as they think...too much too fast! I had a day of shoplifting yesterday. It's all I can do to get christmas presents for my friends and family. I AM looking for a job but there's no way I could get one and get paid before christmas. You know what's utterly ridiculous? When you get blamed for taking something from someone, yet that thing never belonged to them in the first place AND you don't have it! I'm being harrased for said thing right now. Golly gee it's fun! I've really been enjoying my alone time lately. I have had no desire to have someone around all the time...no cuddling, kissing, sleeping together, hanging out all the time, someone else in my bed...I'm enjoying my beds emptyness. I'm liking sitting here by myself making chistmas presents. There's another person. Yup, another. This person doesn't seem to realise that how they treat me and the things they say to me aren't fair to me. They don't treat me bad...very far from it infact...but it's not fair to say those things to me of it's impossible to become real. It hurts me...it makes me cry...it's that fucking so close yet so far away thing...So close in what he says...but so far in that it can't happen..I'd give up the others...not that I really have them...but I have their hearts...'I want the one I can't have...and it's driving me mad..." That's the way it always goes though right?
**12/07/00**~Two entries in one day..woo hoo! So I decided to go into this chat room that I've been avoiding lately...it's the only chat room I go into actually..and I see the guy that I recently thought I loved chatting in there. I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks...I know he hasn't been online cause he would have emailed me... as soon as I got there I saw he typed *gone* I posted *NOOOOOOO!* and started to cry... he saw my post and said *AMBERRRRR!!!* And I still cried....and he said he had bad news... he's going away for awhile...I'm sure you can figure out what this means...but we can write to eachother. Then he said he had to go, and he loves me. He was gone after that. So, I'm all confused. Of course I don't know how I feel at all...and if I didn't love him, why did I cry at the mere sight of his screen name? My god I'm so fucking sick and pathetic. There's someone I really want to talk to right now but I don't know what I'd say. I just want them there I guess. At the same time I'm glad to be alone right now. Sometimes alone just feels sooo good. I only want to talk to this person for a minute...and then go lose myself in some TV...crawl into my bed after awhile and go to sleep...
**12/07/00**~My family does not seem to realise that yelling at me and making me feel like shit, is not going to make me love myself...it will not make me get out of bed in the morning... infact it will not even make me want to stay alive...telling me I'm lazy does not make me feel like I can do things well...if my little brother hadn't been born, I would have done away with myself years ago...I know he would be so sad if I was gone...and I can't handle the thought of him being sad for even a second...he has cavities and the thought of him getting fillings makes me about cry...poor lil guy! If he died..I would have no reason to go on living...he's everything to me pretty much. Today I'm looking into work programs to help me get a job..and keep it...I might become a phone psychic...yes, I am serious! Hehe! All I have to do is learn tarot or something...I've already been in communication with the woman that runs the company. Sorry, no free readings..they direct the calls from the 1-900 number to my phone...we'll see what happens...I wish I could work for the circus...again, yes I am serious...like be a clown...I know that alot of people are scared of clowns..but I think they rule! Or a mystery shopper..where I go into shops, food places, things like that...and check out their service, cleanliness...that would be cool as well...this one guy is sending me stuff to teach me how to edit videos and such...I wouldn't mind that job either...well...away I go...
**12/01/00**~ "She said, this was a lesson in love, she said, this was a love to end all loves, this soul never listens to me, this soul has alot to learn..."~Michael Hutchence... How do you end something that you promised was real? What if you don't really wanna let go? A few entries back I was talking about how happy I was with someone...but I guess it was an illusion...or I was delusional...whatever...I was on the rebound...fresh off something very painful and that helped me get over it...and I thought I felt something real...but again...I was wrong...I complain about being lonely..about my pathetic pain..and my pathetic tears...and yet AGAIN I am the bad one...I'm the one to end it...I'm the one that thought it was the truth, but it was a lie...I'm the one that will make someone elses heart hurt...sure, he is not here with me, and I have never met him...but I let him believe it was real...eventhough in the beginning I knew it wasn't...but I convinced myself of it too...why do I have such trouble with my feelings? I know lonely...I know sad.. but I don't know what the hell I want! One min I think I want to be with this person, and then I don't...then I want to be with that person.. then I change my mind...and I wanna be with some other guy...then I don't...what the fuck!? I am so sure everytime too! /the most pathetic part is I can't really be with any of them because this is the fucking internet! Hence my loneliness...I could have a ton of guys on the net..still none in person...I can have these guys thinking they want me for real...but if they were here they wouldn't... I can have myself thinking the same...but it's probably just a false feeling...there's something else going on too...that I really wanna talk about,..but I can't yet...maybe never will be able to..concerning another person...so this is my way of getting it out a bit...and I bet they know who they are..and what it is...but I won't tell YOU if you ask...
**11/26/00**~ So I lied...I thought I knew how I felt about a few things...turns out I was wrong and I have no idea what to do about it. I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want to be hurt myself..I got back on meds again and decided to drink on them...I got really damn fucked up! I felt like I had taken muscle relaxers and smoked a ton of pot. It was insane. I barely remember it...but what I do remember is looking around the bar thinking 'Why aren't ANY of these men even glancing my way? I know I couldn't have any of them even for a one night stand...they aren't even aware I exist and the ones that do, I swear give me dirty looks, laugh at me, or just say hi cause they know I have no friends.' How sad is it when a girl cant even go to a bar and get a drunken one night stand from the ugliest guy there, let alone anyone else!? For those of you who don't believe me, I want you to come here and go bar hopping with me...I'll be my cutest and you will see...ignored I will be..hey that rhymed..haha... anyways..this is a challenge to you non believers...I will give you $50 if you see otherwise while here...plus you will get the enjoyment of my grumpy depressing ass company! Yay! No, it's not cause I don't talk to them...or cause I'm shy...or seem insecure.. as when I'm out in public esp when drinking I'm not like that at all..I talk..I flirt, never too strong..I'm nice, I usually don't make an ass of myself...I never black out...so what the fuck? Why is it that I haven't even gotten the chance to get laid in the past 3-4 months? The last guy pretty much ignored me after he left from our 2 week fling thing...and the ones before that I won't get in to...don't get me wrong..I'm not saying I want a one night stand..or even sex (haha) but I'm just pointing out the fact that I can't even get anything cheap...let alone meaningful and lasting...which is what I want...I can't even get anything outside the internet it seems...GGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!! Again, if you feel the need to argue this and say "Amber, but you are so pretty, and nice, and smart, and cool, and blah blah blah...I'm sure you are just insecure...don't be so hard on yourself.." Remember the challenge! $50!!! You come here, you'll see! I'm dead fucking serious too! Bring it on!
**11/21/00**~ It's happening...I'm crashing and hardcore...I just bawled my eyes out for the last 20 min over some kid in a fucking chat room that I barely even talk to. He has some sort of obsession with my screen names and treats me different with each one..he pretends they are different people. And this one, love will tear us apart, he liked most..and I guess he didn't realise it was me or whatever, and was being so nice...then after he knew it was me, (eventhough I had told him it was me before) said that he wanted to die...and basically said he likes my screen name..he refers to it as 'that girl' he refuses to realise that I'm a real fucking person...I dunno..its hard to explain without making him seem like a total freak, which hes not, but it just hurts that he really could care less about ME as a person...it made me realise that no one online probably gives a fuck about me as a real person not just a name on a screen...I know its rediculous that I just think this now...but some people make it seem so real...and it is to me...I sincerely care about these people...I don't even know why...because I bet most of them could give 2 shits about me... YOU have a life I bet outside this computer screen...you probably have friends that really care, and family that isnt all fucked up... maybe not..I don't know but I know that when you stop reading this entry, turn off your comp and walk away...I no longer exist to you...you are in the real world..you probably have a job...and other things to do besides think about some name on a screen with a fucked up emotional bitch behind it...lucky fucking you!
**11/18/00**~Is it possible to be in love with like 5 different people all at once? I mean, you love them all equally but they are all different...they all have all these great things about them...or maybe you don't love any of them at all if it isn't realy truly possible to be 'in love' with more than one person at a time. Maybe you just think you are but really just are really lonely and desperate to feel loved...and is it possible to actually be 'in love' with someone you don't even know? Someone like in my situation, that I've met on the internet? I could be talking about myself, or have been talking to net girls that seem to think they are in love with 5 different net guys. I won't tell to leave it a mystery...I'm feeling like being difficult today... I want to meet someone (not necesarrily as a lover) that is as passionate about music as I am...like they can listen to a lil guitar part in a song and feel like crying...or they can play it and say "This is how I feel right now" Or can listen to a mixed tape of their fave songs...and when it's over be completely emotionally exausted from the roller coaster ride of emotions it set off...where they can listen to a song for the first time, and it makes their heart race like they have just been kissed by the person of their dreams...and their stomach goes all funny....and it happens everytime they hear that song...I couldn't imagine NOT being like that...I've met so many people that are all "I like anything as long as it has a good beat and I can dance to it" Blah! No way! That's soo un-emotional and boring....I can be totally upset and then put in a certain song and everything just goes away and I drift into another world....by the way...my medical insurance screwed me so I got pulled off the prozac again...I'm crashing..........
**11/12/00**~"Things that you used to say now take on different meanings you realise..Can't be to careful about the lines..Come on you know you're not so young you cannot hide behind disguise..Listen to your own desire...Eyes like an angel.. so wise, don't lie...You never felt like this before..Fly like an angel - so high this time,You send your senses streaming free... Places you used to go when you were young look different in the dark, Don't you worry it's O.K. And maybe I can help you find your way tonight I think you will agree Summer reason's run away..Eyes like an angel - so wise, don't lie You never felt like this before..Fly like an angel - so high this time..You've got your senses streaming free..Oh I hear your heart beating even faster now than mine..Now you know just what I mean..So take your place among those twilight gleaming rivers that you read Give me reasons to believe...Eyes like an angel - so wise don't lie..You never feel like this again..Fly like an angel - so high this time..You send my senses streaming free..."~Simon Lebon...Snow is on the ground and my winter depression is starting to hit. My heart is also starting to flutter...unlike the rules of nature..I fall in love in the winter...not the spring...I get all dreamy and kind of enter my own little world...I sit around or pace through my house with this absent minded dreamy look on my face...I go to my room and lie in bed day dreaming and staring off into space...I listen to sad music.. or music with lyrics I can or want to relate to...such as the above song...I dream about walking in the cold holding gloved hands with someone and stealing cold kisses...stopping here and there for a warm hug...cuddling up and falling asleep to wonderful music...but, like I said..that's what I dream of...it rarely ever happens...hence the depression...so I lay around and dream...watch movies on tv late at night by myself and get all weepy...its pathetic really...I don't go out and party much in the winter..I'd rather just stay home and lose myself in a movie, a song or a book...it's not a bad depression really... its actually kind of nice to get all dreamy like that...step into another world and get lost there for awhile...time to go lie in my bed with my blue sparkly christmas lights on all snuggled up listening to the above song a few times over and escape into a comfy dream world until I drift off to sleep.......**Sigh**
**11/09/00**~Tommy Lee has the coolest house in the entire world! I have seen many of those shows where they go into celeb homes and stuff, but I have NEVER seen anything as cool as his house! It's amazing! Tommy himself might suck but that bitch sure knows how to live! Everything is comfy and fun...its all dark and party like...plus dreamy at the same time. When I become rich like him (haha) I'm calling him & his designer up and puting them to work at my house! I been lovin sleep lately...I just get all warm and cozy...sleep deep...I think it's because almost everynight lately I've been talking to my man on the phone just before I go to bed. Aaaaahhhhhh.....hehe good dreams too...well..actually I had this really terrifying nightmare about a psycho stalker the other night. All these kids were making fun of me cause I was scared of him...eventhough he was threatening to rape and kill me, and broke down the door on my house...and had a molester mustache and greasy thick glasses...pretty freaky! I blame halloween. All those scary shows! And the internet with all those creepy guys, that probably do look like that and would do such a thing. I know, my boyfriend could be one of them...but i highly doubt that...and so would you if you talked to him esp. on the phone. He's so dreamy... Hehehe...I'm such a silly girl!
**11/04/00**~Okay, on Dec.15th the doghouse pages is shutting down so, I'm moving everything to angelfire... well, everything in my journal I mean. Pain in the ass! Maybe I already moved it, and you are reading this entry there...hehe..so last night I went to the bar, got real drunk, watched a band, got real huggy, stopped a guy from layin a kiss on me (eeew, he was icky), went to a party, talked ALOT, vomited, and then came home. I woke up with a bad cold and a hangover. MTV suddenly has 2 really cool shows...i hate to say it, but its true. One of them is Jackass, makes me laugh so hard...its soo fucked up! The other is called Fear I think, it's scary! I know, I'm a wuss.. but it creeps me out! I love it though...I watched tv and slept most of the day. It was great! Hehe...this move for my journal means an update for my web site, I HATE doing that. The program I use takes forever to get going, and it takes ages to save stuff. When I do it though, maybe I'll change the person of the week! Hahaha! Yeah right!
**11/03/00**~"I'm a rocker, daddy I'm a crusher!"~ I know, I know...it's been quite awhile since I've written in here....but it's hard to think of something to write when nothing's wrong..haha...I bet no one even checks for new entries in here anymore...well, needless to say, things are much better...I'm happy with my current relationship even though it is online and over the phone only...but this person makes me very happy... and I would like to be with him..but since I can't..I'm just happy enough to have him in my life. I finally heard from the guy and we are friends...not as good of friends as we once were...but I'm happy to have not lost him completely...he's sorry or whatever...promises to try hard blah blah....I have been going to the bars with my best friend, and our friend that always drives us. They are great...so much fun! If they aren't gonna go..I don't wanna be there...Halloween was quite fun..I broke some toes..haha...I was drunk and stubbed them real hard on the corner of my desk OUCH! I'm fine though...I went to 2 bars and a huge ass raging party...I was dressed as a little girl with pigtails and overalls...last minute thing...I wasn't even hung over the next day. I saw lots of great people that I hadn't seen in awhile...lots of hugs! Yay! This really cool woman that I met online made me 2 really great tapes...Adam and the Ants and some rare Jeff Buckley stuff. Well, that's enough for now...hopefully I'll write again soon! Hehe! I promise I will!