º8/28/00~10/18/00º
**10/18/00**~ I am so sick of not being able to trust people. I just can't do it...I want to believe them...but I'm so jealous and suspicious all the time..the thing always in my head is "Why should I trust you?" I mean..gimme a really good reason...prove it to me..I'm all attached again god damnit! I really didn't want this to happen...how the fuck is it that I get attached to people over the internet? People that I have never even met!? And how can they expect me to trust them? The internet is an evil place for people that are emotionally unstable and mentally unstable...yet..those seem to be the only kind of people that are on it...I sit here all fucking day thinking of this guy I met in a fucking chat room...someone I've never met, and haven't even seen a picture of....the words that he puts up on the screen really affect me...and get to me...grab my heart for some reason...and I don't understand why...in a sense of lifestyle he is so different from me...but in mind and heart...doesn't seem to be that different...why can't I find someone in real life? Wgy do I care about these people? Why do I let them get to me? And why the fuck did I give in and let myself fall this time? How can I go for months, having a boyfriend I don't even really know? Someone I can't be with...I'm not going to be able to meet him for a long time....how could I possibly do this to myself again? The same thing might happen all over again...I will meet him...we will be together..he will leave and not like me anymore....he promises it won't be like that...but how can I really be sure? I can't fully believe anything until it's proven. God damn prozac won't even let me cry! I am such a spazz...I'm probably freaking out again over something that isn't even worth it. I spazz out so bad I don't even think before I open my mouth...or in this case...start typing...
**10/14/00**~"I got a feeling, I'm gonna get alot of grief...once it seemed so appealing...now I am beyond belief..."~Elvis Costello....Ugh...I don't know why I don't write in here very often anymore. Oh well..so..I've started another internet relationship even though I said I wouldn't. Yeah yeah, why don't I find someone in real life.. well, because it's not that easy...and this person found me. He's generally not my type...but great none the less. He's got me figured out somehow...but I don't trust him...I want to but I just really can't help it...besides I'm still totally heart broken over the last guy. I don't think I've ever been so heart broken in my life...and I've been rejected many a time...but this person will not even communicate with me what so ever. That hurts more than anything. Oh god, it just kills! I never thought that would happen.. he won't even send me a fucking email telling me to go to hell at least!! He was my friend for 7 months...my lover for 2 weeks...and of course its the 2 weeks that killed it. I am so lonely. It's hard having strong feelings for someone like I do now, when you can't be with them. At least this guy is in the same country....unfortunatly, it will be quite some time before we meet, if we do. It makes me feel so lonely. My confidence level has been up more than usual lately...so thats good at least. Eh...thats enough for now...
**10/09/00**~I guess I have lost my desire to write in here...its been a few days and I don't really have much to say...I could talk about the new guy in my life...or my trip to visit my mother in prison...the way I've been feeling lately...how I'm kinda upset that I still haven't heard from the last guy...how prozac is affecting my sex drive...the crazy offer I got or just what I've been up to...but why when I can just talk about that stuff as I just did? I'm too lazy to go into detail I guess...I dunno.. its funny how things change and you don't really notice until you take a good look back...I'm noticing how fast people come and go in my life...and how much my feelings change in small amounts of time. A few weeks ago I was much different...I was talking to different people...thinking about different things...and upset all the time...but now I'm okay...I mean I still haven't cried....I'm not as emotional as I was before...so is that what my prozac does? Shuts everything off? It seems that way. I wonder if I could cry... or if I could be really happy...I cant think of anything that would make me either one. I'm just middle of the road all the time. I'm not sure which is better actually. Well.. I'm thinking I'm better this way...I don't feel like a big emotional mess...I feel normal..whatever that is...I still feel lonely sometimes...and a bit sad...but its not dramatic anymore. For those of you that have read this and talked to me about it...that could relate and things..thank you very much. I enjoy that people read this. That in a way is therapy. I'm going to try and write in here a bit more often...but I'm sure not everyday...theres not enough going on to have something to say everyday...
**10/02/00**~"Life before...I was shown...down unshy...I want to be much than more...while I watch you...."~Chino Moreno...I'm in a pretty good mood today... I wasn't earlier..but not bad either...I'm kinda hyper...I'm happy I'm starting to work on my life a bit...I'm also on happy pills though...a girl band in england got their name from me...I have a screen name Stikkinixx...they are Stikkini...ROXXX...there's also this net guy that wrote something about me I guess...here it is...I hope he doesn't mind:"Holy Shit..That girl has issues..I can see her sadness..Just staring at her pictures..I read the stories of her walking in the rain..I sense the distress of Loneliness and pain..Oh my God..Her words, they spill on this Fucking world..Oh My God..They show me..that all is cruel"....Hmmm..I didn't know what to say about that and still don't.. I still haven't cried...and I'm feeling like actually starting to do stuff now...like actually maybe look for a fucking job! Haha...and at least get out of the house everyday.. I gotta start biking a bunch before it snows...that will be very soon...been partying of course...having fun with friends that I realized I do have...I'm doing much better :)
**9/29/00**~"Nothings changed, I still love you, oh I still love you, only slightly, only slightly less than I used to..."~Morrissey....I haven't known what to write in here lately.. I let too much out last time...I haven't cried for a few days...and that means I'm getting better..because it was an everyday thing for awhile...I've been talking to someone alot lately...and I'm afraid I'm getting attatched to them already...I didn't want to...and didn't think I was until yesterday when I didn't get to talk to him all day and it made me sad...I don't know what to think of it...I just can't believe anyone when they say they love me...I wish I could...but I just can't...not unless I see it in their eyes...I'm still hurting pretty bad from this last whatever it was...only been a few weeks...I went out wed...as I do every week...a guy asked for my phone number...that hasn't happened in ages...if ever even...I've only been on like 1 date...and it was a blind date...and it was awful..I was rude to him all day (yes day)because he couldn't take a hint.. he was annoying, and really boring...and so very not attractive...and I hate to say it...but looks are important to me..I can't help it...personality can make someone better looking...but this guy had nothing going for him...he was also dumb as a brick...practically begged me for a second date...uhm...no thanks...he said "Well, maybe we can just party sometime.." I said maybe...and never heard from him again...soooo glad...other than that...I've never been on an actual date...or at least wasn't aware it was a date... I wish I could find a guy that lived near me, and lived on their own...someone to just date for awhile..hang out a few times a week...talk on the phone...take it slow...have somewhat separate lives from eachother...just a normal relationship...none of this long distance crap that I've been through too many times before...or else they are around 24/7...or maybe just a friend with benefits...haha...no real commitment...I don't need a relationship...I don't need a boyfriend like so many girls seem to think they do... sure, it would be nice...but I get on quite well without...better almost...I'm going to my new shrink today...not really looking forward to it because, well, I liked my old one.. and I'm not comfortable seeing a male shrink..I know it shouldn't matter...but it's just how I am...can't help how I feel...I'm giving him a chance though...who knows..maybe he'll be good...I just really have to get back on track before my family kicks me out...they are pretty close to doing so..seeing as I don't work..and no matter how many professional docs tell them I shouldn't be working right now, as I'm too messed up, they think they know better...they think they know how my mind works..and they think I'm just being lazy..but that's not it at all...I want something to do...I want to make money and have a real life...but I can't do anything...I fail at it all...no matter how easy the job...I always fail at it...I can't get the hang of things..I can't remember things...my family seems to think that having a job will solve all my problems...right..like everytime I've had a job..my life was great...I became secure, happy, and stress free...not...I was worse...like thinking about work stops me from thinking about other things... my aunt thinks that if I go for a bike ride everyday...I'll be better...she thinks that I don't need therapy..that getting a job and going for a bike ride will fix it all...she doesn't seem to remember a few months back, when I had a job and biked everyday...I wasn't any better..infact...that was the beginning of my downfall...she thinks that I crashed because I got a computer...right..like I quit my job so I could be online...again...she doesn't seem to remember how before I got this comp...I was parked in front of the tv all night and day...or out drunk for days at a time...my problems are alot more deep rooted than they seem to think...I'm not just lazy...thats all they think it is...heh...has anyone ever killed themselves because they were just lazy? I mean..because they didn't feel like getting a job out of sheer laziness..so they slipped the noose around their neck? I doubt it...I'm not saying I'm suicidal...but it's depression...and its very deep rooted..and has not a thing to do with laziness...I am not that lazy...I'm forgetful...I'm getting angry now and am probably not making sense..this is a hard thing to explain...I'll just end it here...
**9/24/00**~It's 5am and I just went for a bike ride...it's damn cold out but, wonderful...it's 33ºF out...3º above freezing...it's so fresh and easy to breathe.. not all hot n sticky with mosquitoes attacking you like it was all summer...our weather here is so dramatic...anyways...I went outside and everything is glittery.... the trees, the sidewalks, the cars parked in the streets, windows, the grass...and when you walk on the grass it crunches just a little bit...I love that. The sky is so amazingly clear that you can see all the major constellations perfectly...I could also see my breath...and I got to dress up in all my warm comfy clothes...and pull on my stocking hat...I didn't have any gloves though so I had to hold my hands in my sleeves and try to brake still...I love being out when nobody else is and its all dark..I'm really not fond of the sun...makes me real grumpy...I only like it when its raining but still sunny...thats nice...I got put back on prozac on friday...roxxx! I'm very happy about that...I really gotta get back on track..on friday night I went out and got pretty drunk...thank god for punk rock! I saw one of the greatest bands that night...I was seeing double for awhile..but they kicked sooo much ass! The drummer was so goood...and he sang too...and cute on top of it...haha..and he had the coolest 80's jacket...they also had a keyboard player...that sang too..but it was punk..ugh..so awesome! My best friend & I were in aww...its been years since we've seen a show that good...there was this one guy that was complaining about paying a cover charge and he missed the bands..then told me it was worth it cuz he got to see me...haha...then said "but it'd be even better if I got to see you with your clothes off" Hahaha...I laughed my ass off at that guy for an hour! I was also told I should just go ask this one guy out on a date...the plutonic crush guy...I said no way...I'm so not interested in dating..I don't want a relationship ever ever again...okay that's not true...but certainly not anytime soon...not even a date...not even a drunken meaningless make out session...I used to be up for that all the time...haha..I'm feeling really down on that kind of and I am lonely, and of course would like to be close with someone but I'm to untrusting...I'll just get crushed again...not that it matters cuz I certainly don't even have the option of being with somebody anyhow...I just don't get looked at like that...and if I do...I always fall much harder than they do...and then end up totally heart broken...only one time in my life was I looked at with love...I could soooo see it in his eyes...and I didn't feel at all insecure around him...not one bit...but the thing was...I was stupid..and into someone else...and I broke the poor guys heart who also happened to be my best friend..I did the same thing that always gets done to me...so I guess when this last lil relationship thing failed...I deserved it...but, I remember when the last guy was here..and he looked at me..I didn't see anything in his eyes... and I was so insecure around him...and I cried a few nights before he left because I knew it wasn't going to work...I knew that he wasn't looking at me how I was looking at him... I knew that once he got to school...I wouldn't be that important anymore...and I was right...because we were friends first..really good friends...and eventhough we aren't a couple or whatever...it's still really hurting me that it's been over a week since I've heard from him...I can't believe how much things change like that..ever since we first started talking...it's never been this long without anything...and that is so painful...I mean the tears are pouring down my face..and I'm all shakey...and that really sucks.. I just never thought this would happen...what a turn this entry took..looks like I may have to go for another bike ride in the cold...cheer me up again...
**9/22/00**~"To look at you, and never speak...you're so good for me tonight.."~Michael Hutchence...My mood swings are so outta wack...20 min ago I was crying, and hating everyone and everything. I couldn't think of a thing in the world I'd want to do...not eat, sleep, be awake, go anyplace, see anything, or anyone, be alive or dead.. It's horrible when I get like that...then suddenly..I was fine..and I wished it wasn't raining so I could go do something...and I felt happy and hyper...now..I'm just 'there' I'd like to take a nap actually...I'm talking on messenger to the only person that I still enjoy talking to online..or that seems to still enjoy talking to me...everyone else seems pretty sick of me... sometimes I think about getting rid of this damn internet shit..the whole comp all together really...I don't have much real use for it anymore, besides this journal.. I was told I was evasive today...I don't mean to be...I'm not trying to hide or avoid anything or mislead anybody...I just can't help it..I'm realy confused all the time...people often think I say I don't know or put up confusion because I'm too lazy to try to understand or think things out...this simply is not true...I really don't know..and I really am confused...I'm not stupid...I just have a hard time understanding things especially my own thoughts and feelings...I am constantly trying to figure things out...too much actually...I think too hard and look into things too far...I'm extremely sensitive to everything...I often take things wrong..and have trouble understanding the way others think & do things....*sigh* I wanna get drunk...right fucking now...in about 5 hours I will be...release...I'm a damn alcoholic...and you know what..I don't care...I don't wanna be drunk all the time...I like being in reality...but shit it's feels good to be plowed off my ass...acting like a jackass (oh if you only knew how stupid I was the other night) and not give a fuck...I had the nicest buzz I've ever had the night before last..I made an ass of myself..but had fun... came home..and managed to make an ass of myself on the net too...and ended up passing out in my bathroom...on a bed though...haha...I know that sounds weird but my bathroom is gigantic...its a laundry room really, kind of separated in two...with much storage..closets and shelves galore..with a shower and toilet...and a tv...haha.. and we stuck this bed in there temporarily because we had no place else to put it...so I drug it over by the toilet incase I needed to vomit....and passed out cold... I laughed at myself when I woke up...it must have looked pretty funny...and I had forgotten I had dyed my hair black (yes I did) the night before...so I got up and did double take in the mirror...haha...I think I'll go run around in the rain for awhile...hmmm...if only there was someone here to make out with in the rain...that's the best...oh well...boyfriends suck anyways...
**9/21/00**~"You were my oxygen...the thing that made me think I could escape....you were my batteries...the things that made me think I could escape...."~Kathleen Hanna....2-3 years ago I had this boyfriend...my first and last 'real' boyfriend...9 months we were together...petty much 24/7 the entire time...he lived with me...then I lived with him & his family...we were obsessed with eachother...in a really bad way...couldn't stand being apart for even one day...I loved him with all my heart and we would be together forever...my first love...his first love...we stopped hanging out with our friends...and were always together...we got jobs with the same hours to make sure we could be together as much as possible...then I moved out...his family was remodeling their home and sleeping in the living room with him and his lil brother, no privacy, and waking up at 5am when his mom did just did not sound like a good idea...plus...I really missed home...as soon as I got home I changed...I felt confidence again..I was comfortable in my environment..I hadn't been for a year when I lived on my own so to speak...I started going out again...and I didn't see my boyfriend very often...and I knew where he was hanging out..with who.. and I really didn't like it...these people thought fucking as many girls as they could in a week was really cool...they were all about cheating on their girlfriends...they thought it was funny that "the dumb bitches have no idea" They thought it was cool to waste all of their money on lots of drugs...and were proud when they got into fights everynight, and badass to get arrested...I broke up with him..he was turning into a huge jerk and barely coming over anymore.. and going to his house depressed me...I felt like shit when I was there & I never knew why...and when I needed him..he just didn't seem to care anymore... I cried and cried...he came over..told me he loved me...he cried and gave me a last kiss...I didn't see him again for years...infact I still haven't..I talked to him on the phone a few times and heard he had basically turned into his friends...was a total asshole, and no one could stand him anymore...they all blamed me for dumping him...ha..like he wasn't on the way already...it was not a hateful breakup...it was on good terms...but suddenly I hated him...he had told this girl that had crushed on him for years...and tried to break us up many times...to suck his dick in front of all his friends...she did...and he laughed while she was doing it...he had pulled a knife on someone...he was never violent before...he went out with girls that I hated...and told them that he did it just to hurt me... meanwhile...I was alone...for 2 years...not even a kiss from anyone for the longest time...I really truly hated him now...then...he got a girl pregnant...I wasn't surprised at all...he went out and got a job..he straightened up...I knew he had that in him...I wanted to see him again...be his friend...we talked on the phone once but, never saw eachother...he was excited for this baby...and seemed to care for the mother...that was about a year ago...but today...I got a phone call... from a friend of mine...the baby was born...they named it Brandy...and loved it very much...they were both excited...but one month after her birth...Brandy died... my problems are so nothing compared to a tragedy like that...I'm just stunned...and I feel like crying...and I want to go find him and just give him a hug...and let him know I care...but I won't...I might not ever see him again...the last thing he needs now is to see my face...and bring up all those memories...but I guess in writing this...even though he'll never see it...it's my way of telling him how much I still care..after all this time...and after all the drama we put ourselves through...and my way of telling myself that I still love him...like admitting it to myself...not 'in love'...I'd never get back together with him no matter what... but I now know that he still has a place in my heart...and always will...and underneath all that anger, and badass exterior...there is a wonderful person in him that did not deserve this....
**9/21/00**~"It's reavealing, your lips are freezing...I've got some magic that'll set you warm...cupid kid on a cake crumb trail...maybe you're dreaming, your knees are bleeding...I've got some magic that'll set you warm....stupid kid follow my cake crumb trail...in a barn all night.. you're a wet weather special....but it's not your trick or treat...no...you're too cool...to feel my burning angel beat...c'mon and smell what you fear....taste it....."~Huggy Bear
**9/20/00**~"My heart...always over-reaches...it swells...it falls...it's not sad..just recognizing this mood as construct.."~Huggy Bear... Ugh...I hate working on my web site because once I start I just can't leave it alone! Today was a nothing day...I was just 'there' Yesterday was an everything day...well it went into this morning, but, you know...I hadn't slept yet...first I was happy, then hyper, then in tears, then fine, just all over the place...I got real...uhm...hormonal and wrote something in a notebook on my comp, I wonder if anyone will ever get to read it... I did show it to one person while I was delirious...he said I should write a romance novel...haha...then I pointed out that it wasn't romantic.. just dirty...I could write porn! Haha! After this, I got all sad and started crying again...but wasn't really sure why...I was listening to music that was too intense for that moment...I was listening to Love Will Tear Us Apart By Joy Division...and that song is so insanely depressing..but I kept playing it over and over...I managed to stay awake for 24 hours...slept for 3...and here I am...I KNOW I couldn't sleep now..I don't feel tired at all...damn...I can't keep doing this...usually there is no way I can function with that amount of sleep...I was like this in high school too.. I don't mind it myself...but the family members that I live with have a big issue about it...if I sleep past 11am...its ALL DAY...and they flip... haha...and I woke up at 4:30pm on sunday...they left me alone though...they seem to think that I'm staying up all night & sleeping all day...but I'm not at all...infact I'm barely getting any sleep...only like 4-5 hours at most...and it may be that I don't go to bed till morning, but 4-5 hours is hardly all day! I've been getting mail about my journal...from people telling me they really like it...I think thats cool...and some can relate..I love that...now I just wish that my friends and people close to me would read it...because maybe they'd learn something about me...I actually have no idea who reads this...Hey! You should tell me! Hehe..I wanna know...so tommorow is wed night karaoke..hehe...we go every week...get real drunk and I shout about how unenthusiastic everyone that sings is...and how much better *I* could do...hehe...so maybe I'll give it a go this time...I'm too hyper right now...I think I'll go for a 3am bike ride...YAY!!!
**9/18/00**~"Because you're lonely in your nightmare, let me in...and it's barren in you're garden, let me in...because there's heat beneath your winter, let me in...because you're so lonely in you're nightmare, let me in...and it's cold out on your stonerange, let me in, because there's heat beneath your winter, let me in..."~Simon Lebon...So, I had to start a new page on my journal...if you want to read the previous entries, there's a link above...I'm sober..not for too much longer...I was sober last night...but tonight is a good friends 21st birthday so, I'm going out with her...since she had her kid, she doesn't really have anyone else to hang out with but her boyfriend, so it'll be just her & I...saturday was pretty fun...it was back at the corner bar..lots of people, but pretty chilled...lots of good conversation, laughs and tattoo stories...I was supposed to do some daytime drinking with some friends while they watched the football game, but I didn't wake up until 4:30pm...and I hate football...all sports actually...I sat home, and pulled out Rio by Duran Duran...I think I've listened to Lonely in You're Nightmare about 100 times since then..it makes me kinda sad..but I've been sitting here..sad, lonely, and depressed...but with a clear head...feeling like a real, semi-regular girl...with real feelings, real problems, real emotions, and a real body that really hurts... that probably sounds weird, and you're thinking DUH!, but when I really sit and think about that, and feel this way...I feel less alone and less hateful torwards myself...and I'm not all confused right now about how I feel..for the first time in a long time, I know how I feel, and eventhough I'm sad, it feels good to be able to think normally...another feeling I have is fear...I hope I'm not turning into a drunk again.. and I must admit, that I don't feel like I can have much fun when I'm sober...but that's because there isn't much I like doing...I hate sports and games, anything with competition no matter how un-serious it is.
**9/16/00**~This is my first drunken journal entry...tonight was pretty good...I went to the corner bar and got drunk for free.. I'm kinda on a bender here...I been out drinking for the last several nights. Tonight they were playing the best music on the jukebox it made me feel so 15...I loved it..Sonic Youth, John Spencer, Janes Addiction, REAL old Green Day (pre Dookie), it was great... and I saw a lil punk rock show as well...long overdue...I really needed that...it was great...this guy that seems sooo not the type did a table dance...and I waltzed to some nice loud screaming...free beer all night..then off to a party that everyone I know (in town) was at...it got busted early...fun none the less...some real good vagabond friends of mine (my Leify) were there...haha...of course there was much more that I wanted to memorex in here...but I can't remember shit...thats to be expected when you drink a bunch.. I really needed tonight though, it was really great to be back in old territory for a bit, old friends, old music and a good old punk rock show! I felt like myself tonight..and no I didn't NEED to be drunk to do it, that was just an added bonus...okay..maybe not but, I'm gonna do it again tommorrow...
**9/14/00**~I'm fine..really..I'm done throwing little tantrums...for now anyways...haha...my head is pretty clear right now.. I am sad because I'm pretty sure I'm freshly single...and the feeling I've got is a killer...but no tears right now...long distance relationships are for people in love...otherwise it's just not worth it in my mind...I really hate being in relationships actually.. I lose myself so bad...and I get way too emotional and attached for my own good...it's just really nice having a connection with someone like that though...someone you can kiss, touch, hug, and sleep with and it's not all about lust..it's about caring and feelings too...and with this same person have great conversations knowing that the other person actually is listening to you and really does care..it's just not the same with friends...but also with me jealousy comes with it..I am the most jealous girl in the world..always convinced there's someone else..or that they don't really like me back...well not as much as I like them..thing is..that one is always the case...I just don't trust anyone...I want to so bad...but if they don't cheat I don't understand why not...I really wouldn't blame them...sure I'd hate them but, I just don't ever understand what they see in me...I know there are way better girls out there..oh my god... okay..now I'm crying...I never get over the thought of them with someone else... they almost always move on way too fast...me..I don't at all...I was single for 2 years after my last boyfriend...this one was real short..but..I don't know...more special to me I guess than most of the others...but I know I will be okay...starting now...I'm really going to try to be okay....
**9/12/00**~Everyone is a fuck...the thing is, nobody thinks they are...no one thinks they're the bad guy. I wish everyone would just always be blunt, none of this beating around he bush bullshit...why do people string others along? It doesn't spare feelings...it makes feelings build and then it hurts worse when the news is finally broke. I could handle it alot more if someone just told me whats up instead of confusing me and dragging me around...because thats way more torture. I'd rather know than wonder.. That way I can just accept it and move on...otherwise it pulls at me..forever. I get strait to the point. It's better that way.. I don't say shit I don't mean. It's pointless. When you string someone along by their heart..it makes the past worthless..it brings on regrets, anger and alot of pain. I'm being drug around right now...the subject and my questions keeps getting avoided..and it's really pissed me off. I'm starting to regret. I think I know whats going on and I dare someone to prove me wrong! I'm better at being an evil bitch than I am a lover...and once you leave me, you lose me completely...
**9/10/00**~"last chance, living, taking, giving, having, losing, needing, loving, breaking, standing, hoping, dreaming, smiling, laughing, feeling, crying, wanting something, touching, leaving..."~Simon Lebon...I'm okay...honest...I just really needed to rant...I still feel like shit, but better. It's amazing how I can take prescribed sleeping pills and still not be able to sleep. I stayed up most of the night watching movies on tv...and escaping reality for awhile. I felt much better after that and I heard from someone finally...and I'm just as confused but better...alot better at this moment...I'm actually smiling.. I'm still in the "fuck it all" mood...and I love that mood. It will pass soon probably...but for now I'm great.
**9/09/00**~"I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does.."~Morrissey...I don't understand whats wrong with me. What is so bad about me that makes no one want to talk to me or hang out with me? I mean...I'm not a real fan of myself..but I didn't think I was that bad. Like I said before...I know lots of people around here but I only have one friend. I can't really talk to her either. There's no one I can talk to like I need to...and I'm sorry to all of you that get so upset when I don't talk much but sometimes I just don't know what to say...I just don't wanna be alone. Right now, well, I've never felt or been so alone in my entire life. I have this 'boyfriend' that is far away and I hardly hear from, and the only people in my family that I could talk to are gone. I don't even know if I really wanna talk...what I really want is a little understanding and a hug. I mean it shouldn't be this hard to find someone to just give me a hug when I need one, but I find myself sitting here alone way too often with my arms hurting because theres no one to wrap them around. I can not stop crying...and I have no idea what to do. There are people on the internet that say I'm such a good friend...but most of them only talk to me when they are upset but go away when I am cuz they don't like it when I'm in a bad mood, or they don't have time, or don't wanna hear it. And I'm sorry if I talk about the same thing all the time...but I'm always listening to them and wishing there was something, anything, I could do to help. I don't feel like anybody knows me one little bit, but they all seem to think they do. I'm always the one forgotten about. No one ever seems to remember my words, or my needs, or even that I fucking exist. Why the fuck doesn't my phone ever ring, or my door ever get knocked on? I never get invitations, or even email hardly except stupid forwards. I give my heart out to nearly every person I meet...I'm always wanting and trying to help...always listening and caring. You know, there are these people that I've known for the longest time, that always seem so happy to see me, but do they ever even call? No, I ask why... they say "Oh you know me, I never call anyone" Right..except everybody else they know. They all call eachother, hang out all the time, give eachother lil gifts and cry when they go away...but did anyone ever cry for me? No, and if they have a party...I hear about it later and then get asked why I wasn't there...well, no one called...oh, they forgot. It's always they forgot. Oh...or I've been really busy. Right...too busy for me but not too busy for anyone else. It amazes me how some people are too busy to even give me 5 min of their time. Am I that big of a loser that I can be forgotten so easily? Am I that fucking bad to talk to or be around? I must be...because I'm sitting here all by myself with no one in the world to talk to...no one I can even call...no one at all..no one to even give me a fucking hug when I need one most. I know that all of the people that supposedly like me are doing something right now...and not thinking of me. You that are reading this can tell me its not true...but inside you know it really is. They may just be sitting home reading, or sleeping...but was I in their heads tonight? No, because my phone did not ring once...not even just for a quick 5 min "Hello, how are you?" Sleeping pills are now my best fucking friend. Everyone else can go to hell.
**9/08/00**~I am so impatient. *sigh* Anyways..haha...my aunt took me out driving today. In case you didn't know...I'm terrified of driving. I was and still am all shaky. She said I was doing really well, and I think I was..but I just really can't imagine doing it everyday. I have driven before..and I can do it..it's a phobia..like being afraid of heights. My aunt isn't trying to push me into driving, she's trying to help me overcome my fear. It will take time, I'm sure of that. I didn't end up going out last night. It was getting too late and I was too tired. I'll make up for it tonight. I kept listening to the song I posted before this..and I realised it was waaay too 'me'. It kinda made me wanna stay home as well as my tiredness. I havo no idea what's on for tonight, but it better be fun! Oh..I'd better explain that crush I mentioned yesterday... a few people took it the wrong way...I do not want the guy! I want to hang out with him..nothing physical now or ever... it's totally plutonic...goodness...hahaha...anyways...uhm...I'm so bored...I wanna keep typing but I'm outta things to say...look...I'm not always depressed..infact I'm usually pretty happy or at least content..lately I've had my issues..but when I write in here it's to get things off my mind a bit...I find it really helpful...and even more so knowing that other people are reading it..and maybe can relate somewhat..it's like having someone to talk to to get stuff out without having to deal with someones advice...I like to figure things out myself..but still need to talk about it...when I type it all out like this, I feel better and seeing it all down helps me figure things out a bit more..but I'm really not this sad depressed girl all the time...I do know how to smile :)
**9/08/00**~2:00am~"Here comes the morning light you can't face...lie on your bed staring into space... watch the time slip gently by, don't ask why..so many friends but nobody calls...can't be alone when the darkness falls... got to make it to the party..socialize..break the ice..oh lady xanax where were you last night? All the cracks in your makeup are starting to show...don't think that you realise how far away you go...now look into the future and don't be afraid...afraid of what is on your mind..there in the emptiness deep inside... you are the one that's been left behind..so you paint with your mascara..socialise... don't look twice..oh lady xanax where were you last night?..All the cracks in your makeup are starting to show... don't think that you realise how far away you go...now look into the future and don't be afraid, afraid... lady xanax you're out tonight...lady xanax you're oh so tired...lady xanax sleep well tonight...lady xanax..."~Simon Lebon
**9/07/00**~"..and it's the damage we do, and never know...it's the words we don't say, that scare me so.."~Elvis Costello...I am so confused...I cannot think right now...I am also hung over.... that probably explains my confusion right there. I went out to a bar last night...we go to this bar every wed. I'm not really sure why...anyhow...we never seem to get there before 11pm and it closes at 1am..so I always drink too much too fast and the drunk hits right when we leave. I usually have fun though. Last night... not so fun...it wasn't bad either...just coulda been alot better. Theres this guy that, well, I guess I have an eternal crush on but...I will probably never act on it even if he gave me the chance..which he doesn't... and well..I tried to talk to him but he had this girl with him...she looked just like the mom on family ties, and he barely gave me a hello before turning his back to me and went to the girl who was whining about something, before and after this he paid no mind to me what so ever. When he doesn't have some preppy lil tiny chick all over him...then..hey! I'm his friend! I hate people like that. Okay..lemme explain this 'crush' I used to actually want to date him...now it's more like a plutonic crush where I just wanna hang out with him all the time. He is a really fun guy...but he's a superficial prick as I was told by others and shown last night. It's heartbreaking to see someone with so much potential to be a great person, to throw it away like that. I wanted to tell him what was on my mind..but the girl wasn't off him for 1 sec even. I still had a good time talking to my friends, and singing and dancing along to the way too drunk people singing bad songs for wed night karaoke. That's always amusing. Off to the bar again tonight...tonight is techno night...I'm not really a fan of that music...it's okay though..I do own some...it's lots of fun when yr drunk. I be dancin all over the place...
**9/06/00**~"She surrenders the voices, they gather on the wind, talking, chanting, breathing, into her body..."~Simon Lebon... It's been a few days. I've been in a weird state lately. Not happy, not sad, just kinda there. I have been doing some thinking though. I need to snap out of all this moody crap. I need to start getting out again, having fun...instead of sitting on line all day..or in my room reading. Most of my friends up and moved recently...but I know lots of people around here. I went to my doc. She said I am unable to work right now. It's a thing with my head. She said I need to sort it out and get back on track with my anxiety and meds before I can funtion in such an environment. I'm in a pretty good mood today though. I wrote someone a letter that I needed to get out. I don't feel like my current relationship is really worth what it's putting me through. I'm not really getting back the love that I'm feeling. It's really painful to me. It's too hard for me to be in this thing with someone that's so far away when it doesn't seem to be as big of a deal to them. I should be happy, and out having fun, not sitting home all sad and worrying about it all the time. So, I wrote a letter to him about it, and I'm not gonna worry about it anymore. I'm going to try to get my shit together and do something with myself instead of sitting in this chair wasting away feeling sorry for myself all the time. I want something with this person really bad..but I wonder if on his side..he just doesn't want to be alone and just wants to feel loved...thats all good..but I want that too..only real...that doesn't make sense. I want to be first in someones heart for a change. I never am..but they always are in mine. Relationships are bad for me. I get all messed up and I lose myself so bad that I become horribly depressed. I think this but, at the same time, I would be horribly depressed if I never got to touch this person again. Hmph...I think I'm gonna go party earlier than planned....
**9/03/00**~"Funny after all we've done, you could be someone I don't know at all.."~Simon Lebon... I stayed in last night...I was hung over until late. It was baaaad! Today I didn't do a thing. I watched some tv and sat on line all day. I got a few feelings out that I needed to, and I feel better about that now. I got out some tears as well. I kept feeling like I was gonna cry after that though...for a few hours even. I couldn't even really figure out why. I have a really hard time telling people how I feel about them. I can tell (fake names used here) Lena how I feel about Hans but I can't tell Hans how I feel about Hans. I really wish I could though. And I also wish I could ask people how they feel about me, but I can't. But dammit! I need to know!! I think it's because of this, that I kept getting teary all day. I think if these things were out I'd be just fine. I am fine right now though. Infact...I'm feeling downright silly! You can probably tell by the names I chose to use above..hehe...now whoever you are, you are probably reading this thinking "Uhm, okay, those names aren't that silly" Haha..well poo on you! Okay...I'm done with this entry now before I start talking total non-sense!
**9/02/00**~I tried to think of things to write this morning on my 1 1/2 hour long walk home in the misting rain and windy 55ºf weather, such as how to put down where I slept last night and make it sound not bad (cuz it's not bad), and all the other various details of my evening, but the only thoughts that came into mind were, "Man, I feel like I'm gonna puke.." and "The pavement looks comfortable to lay down on right now." So, I'll just say...I partied like a rock star last night, and I'm paying for it BIG TIME today...
**9/01/00**~"What do you fear in the simple still of a summers night...I understand, I sympathize for a day dream...fairytales...and I love you... "~Michael Hutchence...Today has been quite a moody day...this morning I was considerably happy, and then I had a giant mood downfall and found myself tears. Now, I can't describe the mood I'm in. I'm just, there. I should be happy, for I was not forgotten by the one that wanted to..and we almost had conversation. There were no harsh or sad things said. This is good. I guess it will take some time, and I'm sure things will never be how they used to...but anything is better than nothing. Tonight I'm hoping to go out and have some fun. I wanna get rowdy!! Yeah yeah yeah! I'm thinkin hit the bars and get of free drinks. No, I don't get free drinks from guys..my friends often buy pitchers and share with all or buy me drinks to get me stupid drunk. when I get to the state of drunk I want to I politely say no to anymore incoming drinks. When they insist I have more, I take the drink, walk away, and give it to someone else. I want to go to a huge raging party and just be obnoxious. That would be really fun...it's been awhile. I been moping around the house too much lately. Hmmm...another mood change...I have suddenly found myself smiling! *does a lil dance* Hehe! Okay, i'm in a good mood now...and I'm gonna have fun! ~Word to yo mutha~
**8/31/00**~"What is the name to call, for a different kind of girl... who knows the feelings but never the words.."~Michael Hutchence...That fits me very well..and if you've talked to me enough you know. It's off Shabooh Shoobah by INXS, it's one of the greatest albums ever! If you don't have it...get it! I didn't have it for a long time (some bastard stole it)...but then the sweetest person ever got it for me again!:) Last night it was lightening out so bad it was like a strobe light...and the thunder was almost as frequent...and it shook my house everytime. I must admit I was kinda scared. I got offered an oppertunity today to do something that I've always wanted to do...but I'm too gutless to do it. It was a job of sorts on a tour. I'm not all positive it was legit or anything...but I wussed at even the thought. I get so pathetically homesick...I'd just cry all the time. I'd miss my lil brother (age 5) terribly. Not too long ago I went on a trip to Virginia to visit someone...the person that wants to forget me actually...but thats besides the point...even though I was having fun, I was totally homesick and wouldn't shut up about my lil brother...I even cried a few times. It was only a fucking week! Not even actually! I think most of my pain derived from having to ride the greyhound bus for 2 days straight though...DON'T EVER DO IT! Nah..it wasn't the worst thing ever.. but, I'll never do it again...if I can help it. I did get to be with someone real special and see my fave band DURAN DURAN (*sigh*) and Motley Crue(kick ass!They had the drummer from Hole, after that show I worship her!), so I had something good to think about on the bus. Going on a tour for weeks at time I know I just couldn't do...I'd be an emotional mess! Maybe someday I'll get another really cool offer like that and have to guts to take it up...we'll see....
**8/30/00**~"and I'd love you to notice....I'm devoted.."~Billy Corgan.... I'm pretty okay today, so far. It is only 11am as I type this. One thing that has bugged me so far is that, I was talking to someone that is very very cool, and this person offered to pay for me to go visit them. I thought it was very nice but we don't know each other that well yet. I am pretty confident that he is who he says he is.. and if he's not, I know someone that lives near him and I could just leave him at the airport. The thing that bugged me about this offer most was that once he found I had a boyfriend, he didn't really talk to me anymore. I'm assuming, of course, the offer is dropped. I know, I know, you aren't surprised. But still..I mean why does it always have to be like that? I don't think about that sort of thing in that way always. I mean..my friends are mostly guys so I don't automatically think Guy=boyfriend or sex I know that if these net guys that supposedly want me (I think it's a big joke) lived here..they wouldn't even look my way. I know this because no one in this stupid city ever does. Besides that, I am not as attractive as they seem to think..I've taken a few good pics that's all...I look much different in person, I think, especially with no make up on. I'm not a good girlfriend either. I do not cheat but, I'm boring, I'm lazy, not at all sexually uninhibited, I like to sit at home most of the time and just hang out instead of going places. The only reason I went out before was to check out guys. when I have a boyfriend I see no point in leaving. I'm irritable alot, mood swing like mad, am jealous as hell, needy, possessive and dependant. I have no idea why I even have a boyfriend right now. I have no clue what he sees in me. Okay, so I'm slightly depressed now..but still better than yesterday, thats for sure....I think I'll go sleep for awhile...
**8/29/00**~"I don't mind, I don't mind if you forget me having learned my lesson I never left an impression on anyone so now you send me your hardened 'regards' when once you'd send me 'love'"~Morrissey... I get so worked up sometimes over things that aren't that big of a deal. I'm way over sensitive I think. The above quote from a song..well..I am applying that to something that IS a big deal though.. and again *yes I'm talking about YOU* I did get a phone call just now from someone that I really needed to hear from. Even though it hadn't been that long, I had myself convinced I had been forgotten about.I need to get back on meds again I think. Sleeping pills are about to become my best friend. I want to just sleep and sleep for days. There's someone on line that I would give almost anything to talk to right now. I'm feeling better, but won't ever feel as good as I used to, when I had that person in my life. I deserve this though. I hope *YOU* are infact reading this just so you know that I meant it when I said I will think of you forever. I'm gonna let go now...and stop crying about it though, because it doesn't matter what I do...it's not gonna change anything. As you have up on yr messenger *"shit on this"*
**8/28/00**~"In my life, why do I give valuable time to people who don't care if I live or die..."~Morrissey... So this is my journal...I have been thinking about doing this for awhile now to get things off my mind a bit. I've just been too lazy to do it. I'm too lazy to do anything really. Isn't that a nice begining? Well, today I'm in a mess. It's all in my head really. I have been losing my creativity and my mind. I can't seem to sort out my thoughts and feelings about anything anymore. I'm tired all the time. I feel abandoned. I'm not sure if I should. Well, I'm not sure if I am. If I am...(and I am talking about YOU) I more likely than not brought it upon myself. Anyhow..I'm so needy and possessive. I hate that about myself but I can't seem to change it. There are a few people in my life that keep forgetting about me and one that wants to forget about me. I have no idea what to do about it. I do seem to be easily forgotten though. Story of my life. Sometimes I get in trouble for not being able to control my feelings. I know no one else can either, but certain people seem to expect ME to have this amazing talent. I cannot help how I feel. If I could, I SOOOO would change it. I'm really lost right now and don't know where to go...I thought I knew about a week ago, but I walked off the trail again. Actually...I think it's more someone else changed paths. A few of them really..I'm feeling awful, crazy, tired, hurt, guilty...I wanna break things, and smash things to bits.. I wanna cry, scream, sleep, get really drunk and fucked up.. I wanna crawl into a coma for a few years and start over. I HATE it when I have to deal with things!! *sigh*