Ok, gang. My third installment of why Leonardo DiCaprio should not and never will be Anakin Skywalker is here. But before I get to that, a quick question: I'm sure you all heard about the so-called limited edition TPM widescreen VHS release. They're forty bucks and have 12 minutes of behind the scenes footage and all this other stuff that apparently makes it worth forty bucks. I guess the only way to be guaranteed a copy is to preorder. My question is, is that limited edition or whatever it is the ONLY widescreen version that will be available to purchase? Or will there be a run-of-the-mill regular 'ol widescreen to buy that doesn't require signing a list and making a twenty dollar down payment? All I know is I'll be damned if I have to buy a pan-and-scan version. That just isn't the way Star Wars is to be viewed.

Ok, my next reason why Leo should not be Anakin Skywalker: Physically, he is all wrong for the role. I know, I know, this sounds a little strange, but bear with me here. Though we've never seen Anakin Skywalker in his physical prime, we can make certain assumptions based on his past and on his physical appearance as Vader. He is very tall, broad shouldered, and extremely imposing, always punctuating his booming voice with broad sweeping motions of his arms and very deliberate finger-points. From what George Lucas has told us about Anakin as a young man we know that he was extremely athletic and very dashing in a traditional hunk-ish manner - a queen's dream. Well, I think we can all agree that Leo is anything but what I just described. He's a pretty boy - the male equivalent of a waif. Even in his most beefed up role to date, The Beach, he appears scrawny and overly thin. He is short for a male actor, and most definitely not up to Vader stature. Yeah, yeah, I know that Vader is all cyborg parts and armor, but I believe that, like Luke's artificial hand, those enhancements were built around his existing body...or what was left of it. If this is true, than, regardless of cybernetics, Anakin is still one buff motherfucker.

Leo has a very small frame, with narrow little shoulders and a wiry torso that is utterly incapable of developing muscle. I've always pictured Anakin in his prime as having a very strong face, with a square jaw and a well-proportioned face. Leo, on the other hand, has an absolutely freakish face-it's shaped like an upside-down triangle, no jaw to speak of, and overly big anime-like eyes with accompanying overhanging forehead. If you look at it long enough it becomes downright effemenate. He is, I believe, the closest thing to a true elf I've seen in a human. Now I ask you, can this really be the man who will win the heart of Padme? Can this be the dashing man of men who became the "best star pilot in the galaxy" and a "cunning warrior"? Do we really want this physically stunted pretty boy with the fawning eyes that seem to swoon all the teeny-boppers as the face of the deadliest Sith in galatic history? Will it mean as much when Obi-Wan severs his fragile little twig of an arm as opposed to a mighty muscled trunk that will spout rivers of blood (cuz we all know Obi-Wan will intentionally set his lightsaber on the "make-'em-bleed lots" mode)? I think not. What we need is a toned, well-proportioned actor who is just a bit shorter than Obi-Wan and a strong face with smaller eyes. No, I don't think Leo looks anything like Jake Lloyd, as so many sources have suggested, and I think whoever they do choose should bear at least a passing resemblance to him. So that's all I have to say about that.

One more thing: I don't know if any of you have heard this yet, but there was something today on Coming Attractions about Lucasfilm Art Dept. designs for Boba Fett. According to this story, one of the artists or some such person asked Lucas about what the Wookie pelts on Fett's belt should look like or if they should be present at all. Lucas asked the artist what she meant by Wookie pelts, indicating that he had never said that the braids hanging off of Fett's belt were, in fact, Wookie pelts. If you check your various Star Wars sources, you'll notice that Lucas himself never did say what the pelts were...only that he wanted them present on Fett's belt. When the artist asked what they were if they were not Wookie pelts, Lucas simply responded "trophies". Well, I'm sure you can all draw the same conclusion that Coming Attractions did: that the "pelts" on Fett's belt are not pelts at all, but the braids of Jedi Padawans Fett killed in single combat. As cool an idea as that is, and as amazing an example of foresight as that would be (Fett having worn those braids in ESB and ROJ, after all) I think it would be a real crock. I'm sorry...I'm really sorry, but I just don't think Fett is even a fraction as badass as this current generation of superfans has made him out to be. For all his awesomeness, he was still killed like a little girl, and without anyone even trying for chrissake. My point is, if a blind, disoriented Han Solo can take out Fett, a Jedi Padawan can most certainly do the same. But I speak in ignorance...I have no knowledge of what the Clone Wars will be once Lucas's vision is realized...I know nothing of what the Mandlorians were like in their prime...I will not know for years yet how many Sith were involved, or how much...so I can't talk...not yet.

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John Paige
1.29.2000

Dairy Farmers For Quebec's Independence