I liked 'Star Trek'. I used to love and defend it with a passion. Then, four months ago, I admitted something to myself... things were changing. I don't know if it was just the way I was hyping and getting worked up over 'Episode One', or if it was something else, but 'Star Trek' just didn't seem to matter that much anymore.

Well, today (2.13.1999), I finally saw 'Star Trek: Insurrection'. Light. Fluffy. Devoid of Substance. It was the 'Macross 7' of 'Star Trek'.

The beginning, with the cloaked suits, was nice, in which a damaged Data had reverted back to his moral and ethical sub routines... telling us that what was going on was wrong.

When we first see Picard and Company, they're wearing some snazzy new '70s white uniforms. A few minutes later, we see Picard with a beaded sash on his head. The humor there was the humor shared throughout most of the film... look he's different. Let's laugh. Picard gave us the laugh this time, but for the most part, it was at the expense of Data or Worf.

When Picard and Worf go after their lost android, they capture him with song. The light and whimsical nature of the film is shown once again.

From there, we see a brief glimpse of a fuzzy little caterpillar thing. After that, Data takes an all too short dip in a lake. He reveals a cloaked Federation vessel. I thought Starfleet wasn't supposed to have / use cloaking technology.

There's a brief scene inside the ship, where we learn it is a large floating holodeck. When exiting, Data reveals that he has been designed to serve as a flotation device. Ha. Ha. He's funny. He's different. Let's laugh.

Soon, the Enterprise's crew start to experience effects associated with youth, ranging from pimples to fuller breasts, but I'll speak of that later.

Next, there is a brief seen of Riker in a tub with Troi. Holodeck.

Riker thinks his chin's as smooth as an android's bottom. Data insists otherwise, defending his title.

We soon learn that there are particles in the planet's atmosphere that retard / prevent / reverse aging. The Son'a and a Starfleet admiral plan to suck up these happy youth particles in a giant space vacuum.

Picard, Data, Worf, Troi, and Beverly head down to stop this heinous crime. Riker and Geordi stay aboard the Enterprise, to inform Starfleet HQ. Along the way, they are attacked by two Son'a vessels. A subspace rift is created and dealt with as if it were nothing. Some deadly gas is sucked into the bussard collectors and then pumped into the path of the two Son'a cruisers.

Riker then takes command of the Enterprise with a futuristic joystick for all of 7.2 seconds.

Back on the planet, the peoples from the village are evacuated and hidden among the hills. Data overhears Diana and Beverly talking about their breasts getting fuller. He then walks over to Worf or Geordi and speaks about his breasts getting fuller. Come on. This is Data! 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000s of computations per second. Super genius IQ. Data would not say that.

In the ensuing chaos, it is learned that the Son'a possess the same DNA as the villagers. They are of the same race. The children are killing their parents. Sound familiar? It did to me. That was the entire point of the 'Babylon 5' episode 'Into the Fire'. Actually, I was expecting the entire film to be an exact copy of B5, but it wasn't.

Picard reasons with a Son'a first mate, who eventually comes over to Picard's side. This is wrong. He can't let a giant space vacuum, that strangely resembles an ancient Bajorian solar ship from DS9, suck up the happiness particles.

There is a flash on the Son'a bridge. I knew immediately what was going on. I knew the Son'a bridge crew were transported to the holoship. Come on, give the audience some credit. It was too simply a deduction. It was obvious.

Eventually, the Son'a crew realize what I did. The Son'a leader then beams over to the giant space vacuum, to operate it manually.

Picard then beams over, to destroy it. The Son'a commander fires at Picard, who detonates the vacuum.

During this entire sequence, something kept bugging me. The walls of the space vacuum were blue! Not just blue, but BLUESCREEN blue! This leads me to believe that the film wasn't finished. There was supposed to be something there. A starfield? More mechanical nodes and circuits? Both?

Why did they leave it blue? If they never intended to add a CG backdrop later, then why was the background bluescreen blue?

Oh, well.

Picard detonates the space vacuum, which deteriorates below him. There are so many things wrong with this scene. If part of the space vacuum was destroyed, why wasn't Picard sucked into the vacuum of space?

Oh, well.

The Enterprise beams Picard out just in time. The ship pulls away from the exploding array, which looks IDENTICAL to B5 from the angle.

Back on the planet, Data learns how to be a kid as the crew says their goodbyes. They then depart, after Picard says that he's got an insane 316 or so days of shore leave coming.

The seven beam up. The Enterprise breaks orbit. The screen fades to back.

There are several unanswered questions.

So, Geordi's eyes have grown back. What will happen to them, now that they've left this magical planet?

It was mentioned in passing that the Son'a produce Ketracel White. Sound familiar? It should. That's the drug the Dominion's solder class, the Jem'Hadar, are addicted to. The Federation's dealing with people who supply the enemy with the one thing that keeps them alive? Wouldn't it be smarter to bomb the Son'a back to the Stone Age? Hmm?

You expect me to believe that there are some magical particles in the rings around some obscure little planet that have the power to retard / prevent / revert aging? Further, it only affects a person once they are mature?

The planet itself, where was it? The brayer patch. From the dialogue and space shots, the planet seemed just out there. No system. No star. Forget about the fact that a planet needs a star for light... and life.

Worf and Picard capture Data by getting his mind off their pursuit, by singing a number from 'H.M.S. Pinafore'. This is Data. Remember all those computations he does every second? He wouldn't have forgotten. Also, as they are about to crash the joined shuttles, they reform a pattern buffer or something. Wouldn't pulling up on the stick be simpler?

So, there are llamas and humming birds with long tails on other worlds. Of course, the villagers didn't look all that alien either.

There are more, but why go into them?

So, going into 'Insurrection' my faith was low. I'm not saying it's the best movie every made. I'm not saying that it's the best 'Star Trek' movie ever made. It isn't.

If you're wondering, the best 'Star Trek' films were VI and VIII. The worst was VII.

'Star Trek IX: Insurrection' was a light hearted tale, fluffy and cuddly, but it was enough for my faith in 'Star Trek' to continue, if not grow just a bit higher.

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Peter Tatara
2.13.1999