American Pie

What a horrible, horrible movie. So very bad.

About fifteen minutes into it, I already wanted my $7 back. Movies like "American Pie" make you resent life. I wanted to claw my eyes out with a fork or something. One wants to grab the director and start shaking him, screaming, "What in God's name made you think this was actually funny?!"

There's an episode of The Critic where Siskel and Ebert break-up and start searching for new partners. Gene Siskel is interviewing prospective partners, and he asks this nice, clean-cut man what he thought of some Tim Allen vehicle from Disney, and the interviewee replied, "Fun for the whole family! A laugh riot! Once again, Disney proves that they are the masters of film." Gene Siskel replies, "You're Satan, aren't you?", and the man turns into a giant hell monster surrounded by flames and brimstone, intoning "You're won this round, Siskel!"

I can't help but think that this large amount of praise continually lapped onto this movie was written by Satan.

There are two very good performances by Eugene Levy and Alyson Hannigan, two very talented actors. You can't help but feel sorry for them being in this movie. There was one genuinely funny sequence involving a girl changing her clothes being secretly broadcast over the internet, but that was it, and that alone was not worth $7.

There are a lot of erroneous reviews comparing American Pie to There's Something About Mary (a hysterical film). The reason TSAM worked was because the Farrelly brothers were absolutely ruthless in their comedy. No holds barred, and no misplaced "dramatic" emotional scenes or moments where the movie took itself seriously, both elements present in spades in American Pie. A half-hour into the movie, it decided to also become a straight-forward Teen Romance and failed at that even more miserably than it did at being a comedy. Plus, There's Something About Mary had Johnathn Richman, and American Pie has Blink 182.

American Pie's characters are all highly derivative. From the Uber Jock Who Throws Bitchin' Keggers to the Hardened/Jaded Teen Slut With A Hidden Heart Of Gold to the Normal Guy Who Wants To Lose His Virginity. And the Gorgeous Exchange Student and the Unpopular-But-Smart-Girl-Who-Goes-Out-With-A-Popular-Guy-And-Then-Breaks Up-With-Him-Because-She-Thought-She-Was-Being-Used-Only-To-Later-Find-Out-He-rea lly-Loved-Her. We've seen all these characters a hundred thousand times before, and almost always better done than here. It may as well have been called StereoType High. Oh, and, c'mon, there's better settings to be had than three weeks before graduation.

Oh, and there's the one character called Fincher (or something like that) who is this amazingly bad Max Fischer (of the GREAT movie "Rushmore") rip-off. I found that to be especially offensive.

Stay away from this movie at all costs.

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Michael Keegan
8.5.1999