"Ho, Ho, Ho, Get Out of My Way"
Part One: And So It Begins, Or; I Like Zombies
At the risk of sounding like more of a dork than I
already am, I am not afraid to say that I really enjoy
Christmas.
Wait, let me start earlier.
Two weeks ago I won an essay-writing contest for
The Evangelist and pocketed $50. This has led me to
consider a career in religous essay-writing, paying my
rent with screeds about the superiority of Allah or
Yahweh or Ganesha, whatever faith is offering the most
money that week. Each contest offered under the name
of a different person.
I guess The Evangelist sent a letter to the pastor
of my parish and the dude didn't even know I existed,
which is OK, because the pastor during my tenure at
his elementary/middle school hated me. Guy really
couldn't stand me. When he died the summer between
eighth grade and ninth grade, I can't say I cried.
Hell, I cracked jokes during the funeral. Ask me if I
feel bad about it. Go ahead. Ask me.
Anyway, I got the check for $50. I didn't cash it
until this morning, mostly because I would get
distracted by either furry woodland creatures or the
lure of technology whenever I would attempt to go to
the bank.
Originally, my plan was to buy the Loren Mazzacane
Connors boxset, and then some Simpsons mersh. Not so,
of course. It dawned on me that I should get Resident
Evil 3 now, since there was no way in hell my parents
would buy me a video game with a title like THAT for
Christmas. So Mr Mazzacane can wait until I get my
Christmas money. Jill Valentine's cleavage, however,
cannot.
I got a ride out to Colonie Center today, after
blowing more money than I should of at EarthWorld (you
go in to buy a $2.50 comic --- the ONLY ONE you buy on
a regular basis --- and end up walking out of there
with $10.47 worth of stuff bought on pure
impulse...because I REALLY need my own copy of the
issue Wizard I forced Pause to buy last night) and
stopping in at DromeSound to see if Nick "Thrillhouse"
Carpenter thought RE3 (as "Resident Evil 3: Nemesis"
will henceforth be known as in this article) was worth
it. And he said it was. So off to the Capitalist
Paradise known as the Mall.
The two choices are Colonie Center and Crossgate's.
I worked at Crossgate's for four months (there is a
forthcoming article about that experience, by the
way). Before I got my job there, I regarded it as a
temple to consumerism of truly nightmarish, Orwellian
proportions. After I got a job there and spent time
with the people who worked there, I realized it really
was an unholy temple to consumerism of nightmarish
Orwellian proportions. And the workers at the mall?
It's as if the demons in H.P. Lovecraft stories were
forced into little uniforms and put behind cash
registers, with only their hate and ignorance to
sustain them. I hate mall workers. Except for my old
co-worker Phil. He was cool.
But I digress.
I went to Colonie Center because they at least have
a sembalance of literacy about them --- they have a
bookstore. Crossgate's has two calender kiosks and a
psychic. The choice is rather obvious.
I walked into the mall. It's early November. I
forgot that.
Walked down the long corridor between Sears and the
shops that reminds me of Dawn of the Dead. I came
into the general populace and looked around.
Christmas is here.
You can tell from the miniature trainset they have
in front of The Christmas Tree Store (I _hate_ that
place, by the way), you can tell from the giant
Christmas ornaments they have hanging from the
ceiling, and you can tell from the decorations they
have hanging from the ceiling.
I know I should be above this, but the whole thing
filled me a sense of the inate goodness of humanity
and hope for a better tomorrow. It's a good feeling.
Then I went ot Kay Bees, $48 in my pocket.
RE3. $57.
Homer Simspson-like homicidal and irrationable rage
rising, rising...Simple math for a second. I payed
$54 for Final Fantasy VIII three months ago. That was
four discs long. RE3 is one disc. Mathmatically, it
does not work out.
I realize there are two other stores in the mall
that sell video games. Homicidal rage slightly
decresing, faith in humanity slightly restoring.
Walking to FYE, I'm remined of last year at this
time. I spent last year this time walking around
Colonie Center listening to Damon & Naomi's "More Sad
Hits", filled with an incredible sense of the
perfection of humanity, looking for Christmas gifts
for everyone I knew. I was so happy last year around
this time. I could talk about it in depth, but I have
no idea who is reading this...
Anyway, I go into FYE.
RE3. $50.
Homicidal rage increasing, goodness of humanity
decreasing. One last chance --- Electronic Boutique,
the place that sells toys with insane mark-ups and
nearly gives PC games away.
Go in there, and get approached by a staffer. The
funny thing about people that work in video game
stores is that they can either be the biggest pricks
in the world or the best examples of kindness the
world offers. This nice gentlemen fell into the
latter catergory.
At Electronic's Boutique, RE3 was $45, and then the
nice gentlemen gave me a $5-off coupon, which brought
the final purchase price to $43.19. $5 left, and I
was ecstatic.
I bought a bad issue of X-Men (the first X-Men
product I've purchased in three years!), and went home
filled with Christmas spirit.
The Christmas/Kwanza rush has begun...
Next Week: Buying For People Other Than Me
---
Mike Keegan
11.22.1999
http://www.klink.net/~tatara/DFFQI.html