I know what you're thinking, you're thinking "Hey, this idiot put a picture of his hand on the internet, what kind of an idiot does this kind of crap?" That's what you're thinking isn't it? ISN'T IT? Well you've got some nerve you sneaky bastard! Anyway, don't expect a head-shot because I don't really need any cyber stalkers and/or religious fanatics that I have somehow offended to know what to look for. So unless you can track me down by my hand, you're outta luck! Well, I think I have made it pretty clear that there isn't going to be any REAL personal information here, so I will just mention that you can send all your flames to Mozart_Smozart@yahoo.com and finish with my evergrowing list of kinds of people who I hate, followed by reasons I hate cops. Keep in mind, I have NO Intension of killing any of these people, however if any of them were hit by a bus, I wouldn't loose any sleep.

  • People who think pro wrestling is real.
  • People who will argue that pro wrestling is real, because "otherwise they wouldn't call it pro"
  • People with no sense of humour.
  • People who are offended easily.
  • People who saw themselves on this list, and as a result became offended.
  • People who get mad when others question them.
  • People like you.
  • People who send me flames with sivaral misspillings inn tham.
  • People who are fanatically religious.
  • People who can't hold up a casual conversation without quoting the bible. Not that I am discriminating. You can quote the fucking Joy of Cooking if it contains something about whatever you worship. However, if you are worshipping things in the Joy of Cooking, you've got worse problems then me hating you...
  • People who think that I will join their religion simply because they came to my door and asked me to. The sad part about this is, they wouldn't do it if it didn't work sometimes.
  • People who would join a religion just because someone showed up at their door and asked them to.
  • People who like skateboarding videos, and tell me that there is a lot of skill involved when I say they do the same trick over and over. Think about this for a second, if they have an ENTIRE VIDEO with people doing this trick over and over again, it can't involve that much skill can it? Also, this is making the assumption that skateboarders HAVE skill
  • People who use fingerboards.
  • People who insist on calling fingerboards "teck decks"
  • People who are too cheap to buy fingerboards, so they pretend that their pencil is a fingerboard. Have they no shame?
  • People who talk like babies to babies. They will never learn English if you keep speaking that gobble-dee-gook.
  • People who were offended that I assumed all babies are learning English.
  • People who can speak Klingon.
  • People who wish they could speak Klingon.
  • People who know someone that speaks Klingon.
  • Trekkies who dress up in star-fleet uniforms. These people need girlfriends.
  • Female Trekkies.
  • Trekkies who want me to call them trekkers.
  • People who claim that I am a trekkie simply because I watch Star Trek. I am a homemade starfleet uniform and a pair of Spock ears away from being a trekkie.
  • Coordinated Optimists.
  • People who ask questions they know the answer to.
  • People who believe Jack Chick.
  • People who want to be like Jack Chick.
  • People who assume gamers worship the devil. That is not true, we worship Bazat'rl Lord of Darkness!
  • People who think that playing video games makes them a gamer. In order to be a gamer you have to play pen and paper RPGs, or certain CCGs. This excludes ANYTHING Pokemon or Harry Potter. Just because Wizards of the Coast sold out doesn't mean gamers did!
  • Speaking of gamers, remember that show on YTV called gamerz? you know the hosts? I hate them!
  • People who use Z's and K's where they are not needed. Thatz Krazy!
  • People who use numbers in place of letters. For example, using the word 1ND33D in place of INDEED.
  • People who go out of their way to use the word indeed just so they can spell it that way.
  • People who are going to start spelling indeed that way after reading that.
  • And after all of that, some people have the nerve to think that spelling indeed that way makes them 1337. There is a special section of hatred I have set aside for them. This one.
  • People who are still reading this list at this point.
  • People who start letter writing campaigns. They did that at my school. They wrote letters about the suffering of children in... some loser country. What the fuck do you think you are accomplishing?

    To whom it may concern,

    I am a rich Canadian high school student, and I don't quite care for the treatment of children in your country. If you don't stop it this instant I will be forced to write EVEN MORE LETTERS! Don't think I won't either!

    Yours truly,
    Some Ignorant Buffoon

  • People who don't watch shows that I like and cause them to be cancelled. This includes everyone who doesn't watch Family Guy EVERY DAY! You're lucky they brought it back, or I would have to start writing letters!
  • People who writes flames to me. I am not offended or anything, I just think you are wasting your time, writing to me. Do you actually think that if you send me an e-mail with lots of spelling mistakes and about 1,500 instances of the word FUCK (often incorrectly spelled) I am going to stop insulting... whatever the fuck it is that you didn't want me insulting. Jeepers Creepers Christ!
  • People who go on Elfwood (the web site)
  • People who submit things to Elfwood!
  • Specifically Peter!
  • People who go out and pay about $80 for a video game, then another $20 for a strategy guide, and then use the guide from the start, causing them to beat the game in about 2 hours (due to their guide cheating) and then complain that the game is to short.
  • People who put Human babies on leashes. What is it that you are trying to accomplish here? Do you want to make yourself and you child a laughing stock?
  • All those sensitive fat people. You know who you are!
  • Kids in grade 9 who think I am going to move out of their way in the halls. It's never going to happen.
  • People who take Law classes simple so they can know what they've been charged with. That means I have to put up with them. Also, they don't have a snowballs hope in hell of passing.
  • People who say they will show up for D&D games, even ORGANISE the whole D&D game and then decide when we will have it, never ever show up and then USE THE SAME GOD DAMNED EXCUSE FOR NOT SHOWING UP! I'LL BET YOU FUCKING CAR BROKEN DOWN! *coughdannytimmonscough*
  • People who visit this site, and then leave without sending in a Haiku for Dustin. We want to get one from as many countries as possible, anyone not from Canada had better send one in.
  • People who don't even go to the Dustin Haiku site.
  • People who think that the Lord of the Rings movie was a good adaptation of the book.
  • People who think the movie was BETTER then the book. You people will have a special place in hell, right next to the guy who decided Arnold Swatrz-whatever should do comedies.
  • People who think the movie was BETTER then the book, and haven’t read the book. Not only will you be next to that guy in hell, you'll have to talk to him, and pretend not to hate him.
  • People who think the movie was BETTER then the book, because they only read the first chapter of the book and decided it was too boring (or more often too hard). You people have already shown that you are idiots, you have no right to criticize ANYTHING. Why don't you go drink some gravy or call you psychic buddy or something.
  • People who became offended when I was insult the Lord of the Rings movie. Your place in hell will be next to Andy Dick.
  • People who are offended that I think that Andy Dick is worse then the guy who decided blah blah blah. You people really are not worth the effort I put into this.
  • People who as soon as they see you reading a book, ask you what you are reading. If I wanted to talk to you, I wouldn't be reading would I?
  • People who ask "Can I ask a you question?" That's the same thing as saying "It's a lot later now then it was this morning". Still confused? Thought so. I shall elaborate: YOU ALREADY ASKED A QUESTION!
  • People who have been offended by now, but continue to read this list! I'd say something like HAVE YOU NO LIFE??? but I think it is already clear what the answer to that is.
  • People who e-mail me hate mail, and in this hatemail state: Nobody reads your stupid site. I hate them because they are right, they are nobodies.
  • People too dense to get that last joke.
  • People too dense to REALIZE that it was a joke.
  • People who get mad when you insult someone who is dead. They're dead, what do they care?
  • People who sit in class all day and think of kinds of people they hate (Hey... wait a minute)
  • People who fail to see the genius of the Dustin Haiku's.
  • People who saw the Dustin fold in and didn't think it was hilarious. Both of you!
  • People who don't know Dustin, but still hate the Haiku's because they might hurt the feelings of someone they never met in their life. These people need to join some cult (they would have to quit their normal religion, because all of these people are very religious) and kill themselves.
  • People who quote the bible in a letter to the editor. WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE IMPRESSING? Jesus has no place in the governing of our society. I spit on him. Ptooy.
  • People who insist that 2nd edition D&D is better then 3rd. No, it is not. You're gonna hafta move on with your life... it might be a bit of a shock for the rules to all suddenly make sense, but you get used to it. Don't keep saying Wizards will convert back. It's never gonna happen. Have you SEEN the d20 market? How stupid do you have to be to think because you and maybe three other people (all of whom hang out at my local gaming store) sent in their 3rd edition books and demanded a refund Wizards is going to convert back. It's not happening folks.
  • People who write into Dragon magazine who are very distrubed that either A) there was an article that they didn't have any use for or B) there was an article that they liked, but ONE SENTENCE has caused them such GREAT DISTRESS that they had to write in. Just incase I am being too vague, B applies entirely to the guy who didn't like the fact that in the "How to design a monster" article, they said "Do not design new climate/terrain types. BOO FUCKING HOO! If you want to design a new one that much JUST DO IT! Are you suck a fucking cannon monkey that simply because one article in one magazine said don't do something in a GAME you won't do it? And who the fuck did you think you were impressing by writing in? It was one fucking sentence. "Oh D&D shouldn't limit people... oh the rules are just suggestions. I can't believe your magazine is trying to limit me!" Do you think that Wizards is going to send the fucking gaming ghestappo into your house late at night and kill you if you don't use the article in Dragon magazine correctly? FUCK!
  • People who don't like my longish rants. If you don't like it, here is a tip, DON'T READ IT!
    ... to be continued

    Why I hate cops, by Mozart Smozart
    I hate cops because they're all biased dickheads who hate teenagers because they wish they were still young. Either that or they've been brainwashed by the unhealthy amount of old people in this god forsaken town I live in. The old people seem to think that every teenager is out to get them. I havn't broken any laws (that I know of) in my entire life, and despite this I get pulled over roughly 3 times a month by cops for the henious crime of walking down the sidewalk at night. You'll notice how many of the dead fucking drunk adults get pulled over and questioned eh? GOD I hate cops.
    Anyway, for your enjoyement, here are three interesting stories of my experiences with cops, and their horrible bias. I would just like to point out that if I was black or something, I would be writing this from my penthouse appartment that I bought with all the settlement money I'd have gotten for suing the city for discrimination, but since I'm just a teen, it's okay to make snap decision about me. It's just like that Pennywise song, "FUCK ATHORITY!".

    Story one: The Marijuna Smoke So a group of my friends and I are hanging out eating ice cream at these steps that lead up to a statue war memorial thing that old people like, and these three cops came up to us (No doubt called by one of those "conserned citizen" assholes I'd like removed from the genepool) and the yell and swear and rant and rave at us for you know existing until one of them saw smoke or steam or something coming from a light on the ground. Well they couldn't believe their luck, because everyone knows that all teens do is smoke pot, and they finally had proof. Or, you know, a prooflike hunch. They fucking SCREAMED at us, trying to get us to say that it was marijuana smoke. Now, I'll bet a billion dollars if it was a group of 30 year old buisnessmen in suits eating ice cream on those steps, they'd have tiped their hats, but since teenagers are all guilty even after proven innoconnent, they yelled at us till my friends stepdad came out. Then they saw him and frigged off. I hope they collectively got hit by a car.
    Here's a good one, my friends and I (same friends) wanted to transport a whole pile of books from house A to house B. We couldn't carry all the books ourselves, but then one of my friends remembered he had a cooler with wheels, so we could load it up and pull it. It actually worked, but it didn't occur to any of us what a group of teens pushing a cooler down kingstreet at midnight looks like to cops. We have a hard enough time when we're just WALKING. So anyway a Cop pulls us over and asks "What's the the cooler boys" and it suddenly dawns on us what this must look like. There is an eerie silence until I finally go "Books!". Well obviously he didn't belive us, but he still couldn't legally search us, but we showed him anyway. Didn't want him bugging us for the rest of the night.
    Third story. This one night I got pulled over and questioned about drugs "Is there anything I should know about in your backpack" "No" "how about your pockets" "No"... etc. That's not unusual. But then it happened again, 5 minutes later. Then AGAIN. So finally I get fed up and after the first question go "Nope, nothing in my backpack, and I'll just save us both some time and state there is also nothing in my pockets or up my ass so can I please go now?" The cop was pissed (obviously) and so he was like "Do you want me to take you to the station and have the sniffer dog confirm that?" (He actually called it "the sniffer dog" the retarded fuck) so I went "Fine. Good. Let's go then." and the cop took off. Guess he thought he was gonna scare me. I don't care, I'd have loved to read the story the next day the in Biased Times "Teen found without drugs, Police baffled".
    So all your 9/11 bleeding hearts who love police offerices for putting their lives on the line for us everyday, can kindly kiss my ass.