Redneck Jokes!

On Driving: **When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. **Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. Most consider it unsafe, if not downright stupid... **When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. **Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially while driving.

On Personal Hygiene: **It is best to partake in some form of personal hygiene. **Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item. **While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN keys. **The same goes with biting and picking one's toenails. And never should one partake in this personal endeavor at the dinner table.

While entertaining in Your Home: **Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.

On Dating: **If you go fishing, always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. **Be aggressive yet polite. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago." **If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

On Attending The Theatre: **For the best enjoyment for all, crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. **Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

On Wedding Attendance: **Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift. **If you are so honored to be the groom, it is best to refrain from bringing a date. **When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is. It's just too hard to explain...

Etiquette for All Occasions: **Never take alcohol to a job interview, and especially don't offer it to the interviewer. **It's considered tacky to take a cooler or bottle to church. **Always try to identify people in your yard before shooting them. **Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive the U-Haul van in the funeral procession.

You might be a Redneck if.... 1. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general. 2. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed. 3. You've ever used lard in bed. 4. Your home has more miles on it than your car. 5. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve. 6. There is a stuffed pposum anywhere in your house. 7. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality CLICK HERE!tainment. 8. Fewer than half of your cars run. 9. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her butt. 10. The primary color of your car is "bondo". 11. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures. 12. You stand under the misteletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by. 13. Your family tree doesn't fork. 14. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan. 15. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event. 17. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill. 18. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade. 19. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights. 20. Your brother-in-law is your uncle. 21. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture. 22. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup. 23. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones. 24. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading. 25. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland. 26. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month. 27. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute". 28. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board. 29. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding. 30. Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet. 31. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader. 32. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at?" 33. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups. 34. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug. 35. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!) 36. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior. 37. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack. 38. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy. 39. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. 40. You've been too drunk to fish. 41. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures. 42. You've ever used a weedeater indoors. 43. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run). 44. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right' 45. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge. 46. Your riches relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt. 47. You've ever financed a tattoo. 48. Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack. 49. You go to a tupperware party for a haircut. 50. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. 51. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 52. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle. 53. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. 54. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road". 55. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains. 56. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps. 57. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income. 58. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle. 59. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people". 60. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Signs you may be a "High-Tech" Redneck *If your computer has a sticker on it that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson" *If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone *If your wife said either the computer goes or she goes and you still don't miss her. *If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined *If you refer to your computer as "Old Bessie" *If your e-mails all start with "Howdy y'all" *If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on. *If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com" *If the bumper sticker on your truck says "my other computer is a laptop".

A young ventriloquist is touring in the Southeast and stops to CLICK HERE!tain in a bar in Alababma. He's going through his usual stupid redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in he audience stands and says threateningly, "I've heard just about enough of your smartass hillbilly jokes--we ain't all stupid here in Alabama!!" Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy interupts him and say,"You stay out of this mister--I'm talking to the smartass little fella on your knee!"