Why am I not happy? I used to be happy. Others are happy. I look outside at the rain beating mercilessly on the roof of my car and listen to it as it hammers the thin tin shell that covers my head. It echo's in the empty silence of another day spent alone.

My mind drifts back to a random memory of a happier time. Life was much more rewarding then. I can even remember the song that was playing on the AM radio in my pink 62 Chrysler New Yorker. I remember the smile on my girlfriend's face. I wonder how her life turned out. Is she happy?

Working at Crater Lake. On my day off I take the boat over to Wizard Island. The sun shines bright and warm in July. The water is such a deep blue color and if it were any colder it would be ice. When I get back to the dorm I think I will play some pool.

How did it go so wrong? Will I live my whole life alone? A knock at the door: who could it be? Oh, just the landlord with an overdue notice. I can't go on living like this. Where is the reward? Take it from me deferred gratification is highly overrated. I've deferred for decades so I should know.

Maybe I should start drinking early this afternoon but then I do have that program I'm supposed to write and I should do that today. I stare into the monitor mindlessly, as if in a transcendental state, motionless.

I snap out of my reverie and look emotionlessly at the cold hostile winter world. The feelings of emptiness well up inside me. It could be worse, I suppose. Memories of pain, longing and sadness clamor for my attention. Maybe some music will help. Here we go. This one has lots of sad songs: maybe they will make me feel better. I know this song and sing along:

Hey, hey Daddy's going away

So sad, but I suppose without sadness we could not know happiness.

Well, lets take a look at that assignment. I stroke my chin as the document scrolls past. Working with purpose, I add the controls and set their properties. A sense of satisfaction starts building. One by one I code the subroutines: nested loops and case statements and all the other pieces assembled in just the right way. What an elegant solution! I smile smugly and click "Make Executable". It is so good to be back in school. My job in the computer open lab is one of the most enjoyable jobs I have ever had, and who wouldn't be happy with a 4.0 cumulative GPA after 2 terms. I don’t think I've been this happy since I left school the first time. The pounding of the rain now seems soothing and reassuring, proof that I am protected from it.

When years from now I look back on today, will It be a sad memory or a happy one? Happiness isn't something you can find; it's an attitude. The truth is you are only as happy as you let yourself be. It's all in how you look at it. Interesting, it seems that Marcus Aurelius agrees with me:

"A man's life is what his thoughts make of it." ~ Marcus Aurelius

"To live happily is an inward power of the soul." ~ Marcus Aurelius

"No man is happy who does not think himself so." ~ Marcus Aurelius