Well, anyway. Mario heard her pitiful, tear-choked screams for help as Bowser carried her off to his castle for his own perverse uses. And, as usual, Mario and his brother, Luigi, were the only ones that really cared. Either that, or the only ones that weren't too lazy to do anything about it. Everyone else just stood back and let the bros. do what they did best.
Mario and Luigi were brothers, as has been stated earlier. They were plumbers, and they lived together very luxuriously even though Mario spent and ate most of their earnings through pasta and other Italian foods. It may puzzle you as to how plumbers can live like kings. It's quite simple, really. The Marios lived in the Mushroom Kingdom, a place with lots of plumbing. Plumbers were in high demand. The sewage system is so complex that it is the preferred mode of travel! Yes, as a Mushroomian saying goes, "The drain is faster and safer than a plane." What they don't tell you about is the smell. Nasty! It figures, they don't have noses.
Wait. Where was I? Oh yes, the Mario brothers, or, as they are often called, "the Marios"... Puzzled again? Very well, I'll clarify. "Mario" is Mario and Luigi's surname. That's right, Mario Mario and Luigi Mario. Suffice it so say that their parents weren't very original. Then again, it could've been some kind of cruel practical joke. Think of all the torment Mario must've gone through during childhood! Bah, getting picked on makes a boy tough! It builds character, like slave labor and football camp!
Err, well, anyway, it must've worked because Mario was not only an expert plumber, but he also routinely saved the world and rescued that woman I mentioned earlier, Peach. Luigi, of course, did his fair share of plumbing and saving damsels and the world along with his brother. He was less famous for it though, and certainly got less attention and cakes from Ms. Toadstool for all his trouble. He didn't care though. He wasn't all that fond of the screaming bimbo anyway. Lousy ungrateful whore.
That's enough of that, sheesh! Mario, having heard Peach's wails, casually strolled into the plumbers' pad to tell Luigi about the princess's recent kidnapping, but only after scarfing down his third bowl of spaghetti. After the hearty lunch, the brothers, one at a time, stood in the toilet and flushed themselves down. They soon arrived in the heart of the Mushroom Kingdom's sewers. It wasn't a pretty sight. They stood, knee-deep in sewage, trying to decide what was a better route, a direct line to Bowser's castle, or a path that involved fighting though eight worlds of annoying enemies and dangerous traps. After a heated argument, they arrived at the inevitable conclusion that they'd better not take any shortcuts. They went the eight-worlds-of-fun way.
And so, the two brothers hopped into the pipe labeled "World 1-1" at the same time. Needless to say, it was quite a squeeze. After the usual weird warping sound effects, the Marios arrived at the beginning of World One.
Before them, the Marios saw tons of obstacles, endless pits and evil enemies all in a straight line to a little fortress. Mario considered just taking a slightly longer route and skipping all the death traps. However, before Mario could develop his plan any further, Luigi reminded him of the fact that their adventure was 2D. They couldn't go "around", they had to go "though." Standing corrected, Mario agreed that it wouldn't be much of a game without a little risk anyway.
They urged onwards. They braved swarms of growling goombas (they squished those little buggers)! They toppled with terrible Troopas (they kicked them like soccer balls)! They periled pushy piranha plants (fabulous fire flower power fried them)! Say that three times fast!
But, at the very end of World One, their efforts were rewarded (sort of). After fighting though a hellish fortress full of lava pools and firewalls, they met up with the notorious Bowser (..sort of). The battle, for some reason, took place on a bridge over a bubbling lava pit.. Bowser blew poorly aimed fireballs and jumped up and down predictably. The brothers were dumbfounded! Never had they faced such ruthless battle tactics! Ah, but Mario had an idea! Before Luigi could stop his fat brother, Mario had run at Bowser at full speed and collided! Bam! Luckily, Mario was "Super Mario" at the time and was able to survive the impact. In fact, he passed right through Bowser like a ghost!
There Mario was, behind Bowser, still recovering from his self-inflicted near-death experience. The Koopa King didn't even turn around. He just kept jumping up and down, staring into space. Mario took this opportunity to jump around until something happened. And something did; Mario bounced on a golden axe. This golden axe somehow made Bowser's bridge collapse and Bowser fell to his doom, without so much as a word. That is, until he hit the lava, then he melted. And much to no one's surprise, a goomba popped out of "Bowser". It was a stupid costume...robot..suit..thing all along!
Mario didn't care, all he knew was that he killed "Bowser" and there was a princess (and probably cake as well) as sweet, sweet reward! Oh, and Luigi was happy too, I guess. Mario ran into the next room to retrieve what was rightfully his (ahem, I mean, "theirs"). Much to his disappointment, however, there was only a little mushroom person there that told him that the princess was in another castle. Mario cursed loudly and had a fit, Luigi cried and the mushroom person just stood there, staring.
Probably "To be Continued", I suppose.
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