Politically Correct Peach by Princess Peach (webmistress)

One day, Princess Peach Toadstool, of the Mushroom Kingdom, was relaxing in the palace garden reading a very interesting book titled, “Why the Women of the Mushroom Kingdom and its Surrounding Provinces and Viceroyalties are Blighted by the Plague Known As Upper-Income White Male ‘Shroom Oppression, and What We Can Do to Stop It.” by Ima Peahbrayne and Molly Paranoid. This book was unlike anything else that Peach had ever read before, and she liked it. Just as she finished the last page, her boyfriend, Mario, entered the garden with a very satisfied smirk on his mustached face.

“Guess what!” he exclaimed, flopping down on the lawn chair beside Peach, “I finally beat Luigi at ‘Pong’, and boy was I amazing! You see, the trick to winning is....”

“Mario,” Peach interrupted softly, “This is the first time I’ve seen you in almost a week! Don’t you ever get sick of playing video games?”

“Well...yeah!” Mario admitted. “But the thing is, I had to keep playing; I had to win! Luigi always whoops my butt and so I was determined to...”

“Well why don’t you take me out on a date once in awhile?” Peach questioned with tears of hurt forming in her royal eyes, “We never do anything together. Don’t you love me anymore?”

“Don’t be such an idiot!” Mario scoffed, “Of course we do things together! I rescued you from Bowser last month, didn’t I?”

Peach started to nod, but then she was struck by a wall of flaming rage. “Hey! Wait a minute!” she cried, “That’s another thing; I’m sick of you rescuing me and acting like I’m such a weak little baby! I could rescue myself if you would just give me a chance!”

Mario tried to muffle his laughter as he fell out of his chair in a fit of giggles, but the angry princess heard him. “It’s true!” she shrieked, “I could escape Bowser if I weren’t crippled by all of those years in which you lead me to believe that I wasn’t capable of combat!”

“You’re not!” Mario sneered, growing angry.

“Yes I am!” Peach shouted, “I fought against Smithy, and if I hadn’t been there to heal you, you would have been dead meat! You’re nothing but a....” she paused and rifled through her book, “Chivalrous, chauvinistic, self-obsessed, self-indulgent, pretentious, repugnant, oppressive white male that is somewhat reminiscent of a malignant tumor in a young, female lamb’s pancreas!”

Mario jumped up and snatched the book from Peach's hand and scanned the pages. “Oppression...damsel-in-distress-syndrome...overly-passive females and the men who abuse them.” he mumbled, “Upper-class supremacy...what is this garbage?”

“The truth!” snapped Peach, seizing the book. “I’m out of here; if I have to prove myself, I might as well do it by giving that creep Bowser a good smack in the nose!” And with that, she stomped out of the garden.

Mario flopped back into his chair and sighed. “I knew I shouldn't have left Pauline for her.” he muttered.

As he spoke, the formerly passive princess was trekking through the Mushroom Kingdom towards the giant castle that was home to King Bowser Koopa, the non-charismatic, mutant-turtle responsible for kidnapping her several times.

The bridge that led to Bowser’s keep was guarded by a surly looking Para-Trooper and a presumably-vicious Chain Chomp that was sleeping on the job. The Para-Trooper nudged the Chomp awake and stared at the princess. Sleepily, the Chomp bared his fangs.

“Halt! Who goes there?” snarled the Chomp.

Peach took a deep breath and composed herself regally. “Princess Toadstool of the Mushroom Kingdom.” she stated with authority.

The Para-Trooper studied her with surprise. “What is your business here?” he asked.

“I would like to see Bowser.” Peach replied.

The monsters’ eyes widened in shock. “Voluntarily?” questioned the Para-Trooper. Peach nodded. The two creatures conferenced for a moment then turned back to Peach. Astonished and speechless, they let her pass.

Peach found it remarkably easy to get through the first few areas of the castle; most of Bowser’s minions were so stunned to learn that she actually wanted to see Bowser that they either fainted or stepped aside without a fight. However, that was just in the beginning of her journey through the castle.

The final room before Bowser’s throne room was, at the time, guarded by Kamek, Bowser’s smartest and most powerful sorcerer.

“What are you doing here?” Kamek demanded, “Aren’t you supposed to be in the Mushroom Kingdom, playing with your easy-bake-oven while Bowser devises a clever scheme to kidnap you?”

Peach frowned and consulted her book again. “What you have said is bizarre drivel that rewards me with the urge to vomit.” she quoted, then looked up. “I am perfectly capable of kidnapping myself, you know. Now, let me in to see Bowser!”

“Why?” Kamek implored, pointing his wand at her threateningly.

Peach knocked the wand from his hand. “‘Cuz I got a score to settle with the little red-haired punk!” she growled, shoving the sorcerer into the wall. “Now let me in before I slug you a good one!”

Kamek roared with laughter and pushed the startled princess aside. “You?” he gasped as he doubled over in belly laughs. “Hold on and I’ll go tell him that you want to punch his lights out, he’ll think its a riot!” Still laughing, Kamek headed for the door and unlocked it. Instead of opening it, he was belted in the face with the princess’ royal fist. The dazed wizard fell to the floor like a sack of Goomba Chow and immediately blacked out.

Peach pocketed his wand, just in case, then slowly eased the heavy door open, peeked inside, and gasped.

There, at the other end of the room was Bowser in all his reptilian glory, dressed in a frilly pink tutu and clinging to a ballet barre. He was studying his reflection in the mirror as he counted. “Un, deux, pliè. Tendu, close up, tendu, close up.” Then, he broke away from the barre and performed several pirouettes and then an impressive grand jetè, landing in front of a very surprised Peach.

“What are you doing here?” he yelped, his orange skin flushing a deep pink to match his outfit.

“What...what...what...” Peach sputtered staring at the king’s lacy tutu and pink satin ballet slippers.

Bowser looked down and tried to cover himself, still blushing furiously. “I...uh...,” he began, “Have to burn some calories...exercise...need to be strong so...uh.” The princess looked skeptical. “Oh forget it!” Bowser bawled. He fell down on the floor and began sobbing. “I love ballet!” he confessed, “I love the way it makes me feel so pretty!” The floor shook with his mammoth sobs.

“There, there.” Peach consoled as she sat down next to him, “So you have a sensitive, feminine side, there’s nothing wrong with that.” She stopped, picked up her book and flipped through it. She stared down at the book, then back at Bowser, then back at the book. “Actually,” she began, “My book says that men like you are a very rare breed.” She gazed at Bowser adoringly. “You know,” she cooed, “I thought you were just about war and violence, I’ve never seen this side of you before, and I like it.”

Bowser stared at her in disbelief. “Really?” he questioned, “What about Mario?”

“Mario!” Peach snorted angrily, picking up her book again, “He’s nothing but a ‘violent, war-obsessed, apathetic, simpering crybaby who means less than Goomba droppings to me.” She smiled at Bowser and kissed his orange cheek. “But not all men are like that! At least you appreciate me, so much so that you keep kidnapping me even though you never get to keep me.”

“Speaking of which,” Bowser spoke up, “Shouldn’t Mario be here to beat me up by now?”

No sooner had the turtle king spoken those words when Mario rushed into the throne room. “I’ll save you, Peach!” he declared, rushing towards the couple.

“I’ll take care of this.” Peach whispered to Bowser. She removed Kamek’s wand from her pocket and pointed it at Mario.

“Good thinking, babe.” Mario remarked, trying to grab the wand. Peach held it out of his reach. “Why don’t you give it to me and let a good, strong, man teach this moron a lesson?”

Peach smiled sweetly, then grimaced at the sexist plumber. “I don’t think so!” she hissed. With one swift dip of her wand, she changed Mario into a Micro-Goomba.

“Hey! What gives?” he shrieked in his squeaky voice. “Forget you! I’m going back to Pauline!” Still grumbling, he wiggled out of the room.

Very impressed, Bowser was immediately won over. “I had no idea you could be so mean, Peach!” He laughed and hugged her, “We should have hooked up years ago!”

“Yes, we should have.” Peach admitted, kissing her former captor. And so, Peach, the formerly passive princess, and Bowser, the reptile king with a feminine side, were married the next day by Kamek (who recovered and eventually forgave Peach for smashing him in the face). Peach become step-mother to the Koopalings (who liked her a lot better now), and she and Bowser gradually gained control of the entire world which they ruled together for many years. They lived happily ever after.







© 2000 by Princess Peach

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