Happy Valentine's Day, Mario! by Princess Peach (webmistress)

Mario was quite the stud. He was just lounging around in the house he shared with Luigi one day when all of a sudden, the phone rang. The sweet voice of Princess Daisy of Sarasaland greeted him.

“Hi, Mario!” Daisy chirped, “How are you?”

“Pretty good, babe.” Mario suavely replied. “What’s up?”

“I was just wondering if you were doing anything this Valentine’s Day.” Daisy shyly answered.

“Not a thing, sugar.” Mario cooed, “My book is completely blank.”

“Well,” Daisy began slowly, “I got two tickets to the Goomba Day concert. Do you want to go with me?”

“Anything for you, darling.” Mario responded.

“Great!” Daisy exclaimed, “The show starts at seven, I’ll meet you at the Sarasaland Concert Hall this Saturday night.”

Daisy hung up an Mario smiled confidently. He always got all of the chicks, him being such a hero and all. He couldn’t wait for Saturday night. Just then, the phone rang again. This time, it was Peach.

“Yo Mario!” Peach greeted, “Saturday’s Valentine’s day. How about you come over to my castle? Tayce T. is going to prepare a gourmet dinner for us.”

“Well,” Mario started, a bit uncomfortably, “I actually already have plans...”

“WITH WHO!!????” Peach demanded, “Oooohh! If you’re seeing another girl behind my back I’ll...”

“No, it isn’t that!” Mario quickly interrupted, “I just um... promised Luigi that I’d.. uh.. help him... um... clean the fungus from between his toes! But I can do that any old time.”

“Good,” Peach snapped, “Remember: Saturday, 8 o’clock, my castle, dinner, be there or beware!” She hung up the phone.

“Who was that?” Luigi asked, entering the room, “You sounded scared.”

“Peach.” Mario replied.

“No wonder you sounded scared!” Luigi laughed, then he sighed. “It’s not fair though! I should have at least one girl that can scare me like that! You get all of the chicks and I never do! I have to stay home all by myself this Saturday night while you get to go out with Pauline!”

“I’m going out with Pauline on Saturday?” Mario gasped.

“Yeah,” Luigi reminded him, “Did you forget? You asked her out last week. You’re picking her up at nine and taking her to the Brooklyn Megaplex to see ‘Attack of the Poison Toadstools’”

Mario was suddenly very worried. He had planned dates with three different girls, all for the same night! He couldn’t cancel any of the dates, but he couldn’t be in three places at the same time, either. This was going to take some finessing. Fortunately, Mario could do anything!


At seven o’clock, Mario met Daisy in front of the Sarasaland Concert Hall.

“So, how long is this concert?” Mario asked casually.

“About 2 hours,” Daisy replied. Mario winced. “Why do you ask?”

“Uh.. um.. no reason.” Mario responded as the band began to play. Mario kept an eye on his watch. He had to be at Peach’s at eight, which meant that he had to leave the concert hall about ten minutes before that so he could have enough time to warp there and still be early. Peach would strangle him if he were even two seconds late. The little hand of his watch crept closer and closer to the ten.

“Um.. I think I need some fresh air.” Mario lied, “It’s a bit hot in this auditorium.”

“Ok,” Daisy agreed, “But hurry back!”

Mario rushed out of the concert hall and jumped into the pipe leading to the Mushroom Kingdom. Within record time, he was seated in Peach’s dining room, quickly gobbling up Tayce T.’s cooking.

“Mario!” Peach lightly scolded, “Don’t eat so quickly, we have plenty of time to eat together.”

Mario nodded and glanced down at his watch. It was now almost 8:20, Daisy was going to be worried! “Peach,” Mario began cautiously, “I need to use the bathroom. I’ll be right back.” He jumped up from his chair and secretly exited the palace. When he returned to Daisy, she was very upset.

“Where were you?” She exclaimed, “The concert is almost over!”

“I was...” Mario started, “Going to buy you a present from the souvenir stand, but I didn’t see anything good enough for a jewel like you.” He smiled charismatically at Daisy. “I spent a lot of time looking for the right gift, but I never found it.” He added quickly.

Daisy smiled. “Well, you look a little flushed,” She expressed with concern, “So try to relax and enjoy the rest of the concert.

Mario did try to relax, but he kept worrying about what troubles the rest of the night could bring. When the concert finally ended at fifteen minutes til nine, Mario couldn’t mask his relief. He walked Daisy to her carriage and kissed her.

“Don’t you want to come back to the castle with me, Mario?” Daisy questioned.

“I do,” Mario proclaimed, “But I can’t. That hot auditorium made me a little light-headed.”

“Then call me tomorrow,” Daisy told him, “Let me know if you feel better.” She kissed him and then drove away.

Mario flew like lightning to Pauline’s house in Brooklyn. He greeted her with a kiss and the two set off for the movies.

“You go find us a good seat,” Mario instructed after he paid for the tickets, “I’ll go get us some popcorn.” Pauline did as she was told and Mario raced back to the Mushroom Kingdom palace where he was confronted by a very angry, somewhat concerned, Princess Peach.

“You were in the bathroom for over a half an hour!” she ranted, “What’s wrong? Are you sick?”

“A little.” Mario replied honestly, “But its nothing I can’t handle.”

“Good,” Peach retorted, “We already finished our dinner, so what do you want to do now?”

Mario’s eyes lit up and he kissed Peach. The two started making out and Mario completely lost track of time. Then, he suddenly realized that he had left Pauline alone for an incredibly long amount of time.

“I have to go to the bathroom again.” Mario declared, jumping off of Peach’s couch. He again snuck out of the castle and returned to Pauline with a jumbo-sized tub of popcorn.

“It took you half an hour just to buy popcorn?” Pauline implored incredulously.

“Uh.. yeah,” Mario told her, “I only had a hundred dollar bill to pay with, and the cashier took a long time to make enough change.”

Pauline accepted his lie and turned back to the movie. Mario tried to concentrate on the film, but his eyes kept turning down to look at his watch. Finally, he decided that it was time to get back to Peach.

“I’ll be right back.” Mario mumbled, scooting out of his seat. “I have to go to the bathroom.” he made his way towards the back of the theater and rushed out the door.

Peach wasn’t too happy to see him again.

“Mario!” she whined, “What keeps taking you so long to go to the bathroom? If Tayce T.’s cooking is giving you diarrhea again, just say so.”

“Actually, it is,” Mario admitted, crossing his fingers behind his back.

“Then maybe you should go home and rest,” Peach advised, “Besides, its about time I got started on my beauty sleep.” She yawned and smiled at him. “Call me in the morning, OK?”

Mario nodded and kissed Peach good-bye. Then, he fled the castle and warped back to Brooklyn.

“Wow!” Pauline breathed when she saw him, “I heard that movie theaters have long bathroom lines, but that line must have been ridiculous!”

“Oh, it was!” Mario agreed, taking his seat. Pauline stared at him and narrowed her eyes suspiciously.

“Is that lipstick smeared all over your cheek?” she asked.

“Uh.. yes,” Mario answered truthfully, “Didn’t you notice earlier? It’s probably been there all night. You see. Luigi likes to give me a brotherly good luck kiss on the cheek before I go anywhere. And as for the lipstick...” he paused, “Luigi is just into that stuff nowadays, you know?”

Pauline nodded, “I kind of got that vibe from him.” she agreed, and the two sat in silence for the rest of the movie.


“It’s such a beautiful night,” Pauline sang as Mario walked her home, “Don’t you think so?”

Mario agreed. The night had gone off without a hitch. Mario had managed to date three gorgeous women all on the same night with none of them finding out about the others. Now all he had to do was drop Pauline off, and he could consider himself on great master of deception. Just then....

“Mario! Hi!” came a voice. It was Daisy. Mario felt like he had just been punched in the stomach as his breath suddenly rushed out of his body. Daisy ran up to him. “I was just walking in the neighborhood. You look a lot healthier! Who’s your friend?”

“I’m Pauline,” Pauline introduced, “Mario’s girlfriend.”

“Girlfriend?” Daisy gasped, “But I...” Daisy was interrupted by the shrill scream of Princess Peach.

“Hah!” Peach yelled from across the street. “Caught you didn’t I? You little two-timer! Although, it looks more like you were three-timing me!” Peach sprinted across the street and slapped Mario across the face. “Jerk!” she shrieked, “I thought there might have been something funny going on tonight, so I called Luigi and he told me everything!”

“Is she your girlfriend, too?” Daisy asked in disbelief.

“What’s going on here, Mario?” Pauline demanded.

“Well, uh, it’s like this,” Mario began nervously, “I’m kind of sort of dating all of you.”

“All of them!” shrilled yet another voice. "Those three goody-two-shoes?” It was the infuriated voice of Wendy O. Koopa. “But Mario, you said you loved me!

” “Well, I-I..” Mario stammered.

“Mario!” boomed a powerful voice from the darkness. King Bowser Koopa entered the scene. “Did you forget our plans to go bowling with the guys? You’re five hours late!”

“You four-timer!” Daisy yelled. She slapped Mario across the face.

“You jerk!” Pauline screamed. She kicked Mario in the shins.

“You little worm!” Peach shrieked. She punched Mario in the gut.

“You liar!” Wendy O. roared, clawing Mario in the face, “You said you loved me, and I’m going to have your baby!”

“WHAAAATTTT!!!??!!??” Bowser boomed in shock. “Mario! What did you do to my little girl?”

“I-I-I..” Mario stuttered. “Bowser picked up the adulterous plumber and stuffed him head-first into a garbage can. then, the five poor souls abused by Mario went off together to the nearest coffee house where they could slurp some lattes, write nasty poems about dismembering Mario, and nurse their shattered hearts.

“Hey guys!“ Mario yelled from inside the trash can, “Funny joke! Hahaha! But seriously, someone let me out of here!” No one answered. “Guys? Pauline? Daisy? Peach? Wendy? Bowser? Anybody? HELP!!!”

Mario was never seen or heard from again.

THE END.....



..... for now.

© 2001 Princess Peach

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