Darth's Forum Discussions


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...WHAT WAS THE MOST EMBARASSING MOMENT YOU HAD IN YOUR LIFE?...


.....Submitted by piccadilly.....


Life's Most Embarrassing Moment

All throughout my life I have had embarrassing moments in every stage of it. Fortunately though, I have
learned to accept them and no longer cry in shame, such as I did in kindergarten. When my dear Mom got her
days crossed, and sent me dressed to kindergarten in my Donald Duck Halloween costume with the plastic mask,
that made breathing difficult, and sight a little tricky, I did cry. I was the only one in costume that day, and even
after all these years, I can still feel the pain, of being the odd one. My kindergarten teacher did console me, but
I do believe I was glad for nap time. Crying has always tired me out.

In grade school I threw up at the lunch table in front of the other metal lunch box kids. I still to this day won't
eat chopped ham, the sandwich my Mom had wrapped in waxed paper that fateful day. We didn't even have a
phone back then, the nuns had my Aunt who was in the 8th grade walk me home to Mom.

In high school I had to tearfully explain to my first boyfriend how I accidentally flushed his ring down the toilet,
in my haste to take good care of it, and not get it wet while taking a bath.

As a new Mother at the young age of 19, I flooded out the maternity ward of the hospital, cause I didn't understand
what a sitz bath was and was too embarrassed to ask.

The embarrassing moments have kept up through the years. Just last week I had to put on a pair of pantyhose, and
it had been so long since I wore any, I forgot which size I took. My control top pantyhose reached all the way up to my
bra. I said well good- that's control for my midriff too. Unfortunately because of the control top pantyhose, I couldn't feel
the pants to my new silky pant suit. Imagine my surprise when something made me notice that 12 inches of my pants was
gathered at my ankles and the crotch of my pants was down to almost my knees. I never felt them moving down. I comforted
myself though, by knowing no one saw a crack- my pantyhose were off black, and my control top underwear were leapard
print. Oh My! I sat down quickly, then had to try to figure a way to get the pants up some, so I could go fix them.

If you're so worried about getting control top, you need to at least glance at your bottom once in awhile. My Sisters
told me I should just wear knee high nylons with my outfit!


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.....Submitted by The Mystical Thor.....

OK ... since I'll probably never meet anyone here face to face i can say this
... when i was about 17 i had a great female friend, one day i tried to take
it to the next level, and asked her if she would like to be my girlfriend and
go steady, well, she began laughing hysterically, and said "that's funny "
after a moment she stopped laughing and said "I'm sorry, were you serious ? "
me being the gentleman that I am, [ yeah right, the earth could not open up
fast enough at the time) brushed it off by saying of course.


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.......Submitted by Char44.......

I was auditioning for the position of church organist at a large
church. I had practiced and practiced the Bach Toccata & Fugue on the
organ in the church at which I was currently organist. Each organ is
just a little different and my fellow organists would refer to the
closer spacing of the keys on an organ as a woman's organ and the
wider spaced keys as a man's organ (referring to the thick or slender
fingers of the different sexes of the organists).

At the end of the final few measures of the audition piece which I was
playing for the music committee and the minister, I missed a sequence
of very fast notes. I finished the piece, turned to the gathering of
listeners and blurted out "I'm sorry, I'm used to playing a male organ
and this one is a female organ". Stunned silence and wide eyes met my
statement just before the committee members burst into wild laughter
and the minister had to excuse himself and nearly ran to the back of
the church where he broke into laughter. Needless to say I was
devastated and tried to explain what I meant. That was in 1982 and
wonder of wonders, I'm still at that church as one of the organists
and now direct the choir. Seems that these people love a good sense
of humor as much as I do.





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..,..Submitted 11/2/00 by DrMcCoy.....

"Letter from the Old Country"

"The 'Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness' about which Keats waxed lyrical has arrived in all its golden glory, and with it comes another annual event; the British Rail book of excuses for trains being late. In this digital age, Man has stepped on the moon, we can talk almost instantly to anyone, anywhere in the world and there is a cure for baldness (ok, I lied about the baldness). British Rail is stumped every year by leaves on the line. Yes, the nation that invented the steam train and was the birthplace of the industrial revolution is humbled every year by falling leaves that mean the might of our transport industry is unable to get up a hill. But they're not just any old leaves. Oh dear me, no. They are the WRONG TYPE of leaves. Very slippy apparently. Very tricky. Of course, if British Rail was still owned by the nation, we would have sent throngs of workmen, in flat caps and hob-nail boots, to clear the track and make tea, whistling a jolly tune and led by Dick Van Dyke. However, Profit is king, so the leaves stay until the wind blows them off and Thomas the Tank Engine can get above sea-level again.

"The selling of British Rail and many other Government owned institutions by the old Tory government means that we no longer have a good many of the things that made Britain Great - strikes, protests and union leaders to name but three. We still have strikes but they tend to be because the wrong cappuccino was put in the coffee machine instead of major political issues. The bitter Miners' protests have been replaced those of by Eco Warriors, living in trees and not bathing. Their leader is called Swampy. Very threatening.

"We do still have the things that American filmmakers insist on showing to set the scene as England. Watch any old 'Streets of San Francisco' or 'Columbo' and when Karl Malden's nose hits London you'll always see the same things, usually near Big Ben; red Double-Decker Buses, Fog and Buckingham Palace. Jack the Ripper still roams the streets, and cheery young scamps still clean chimneys and dance on rooftops.

"The government is under pressure at the moment because the cost of fuel has gone through the roof and we, the great British public, are not happy. We currently pay about £4 a gallon for petrol ($6 a gallon?) of which 74% is tax. Farmers and truck drivers brought the nation to its knees by blockading the refineries - it took 3 days for the country to grind to a halt. The wartime spirit emerged and there was even talk of rationing! We were all waiting for America to rescue us again.

"I expect 'Fuel Strike - The Movie' very soon, with Tom Cruise as Tony Blair (he's the Prime Minister, but then you knew that - didn't you?) and Keanu Reeves as Welsh Farmer Brynlle Williams, the protest leader. I'm sure Keanu can do a Welsh accent because his English was so good when he did Shakespeare. Not.

"Anyway, time to go and hoard some petrol. Jeeves - Tea and scones if you please!

Doc



....COMMENTS.......


Dear Dr McCoy,
Not Keanu Reeves as farmer Williams. We want Gabriell Burns!!!!! ----- Turalee :o)


Re: Dr. McCoy's "Letter"
What a joy it was to read your "Letter from the Old Country". Having spent nearly 4 years in "Jolly Olde" many, many years ago, I am relieved to see that the magnificent sense of humor of the British is still alive and well!! Jolly well done old Chap -----MsEskay



...Latest "Flash" from Doc re: "The Old Country....

"Abandon hope all who enter!! Britain is slowly disappearing underwater, so if you're planning a visit, bring a snorkel. A week of torrential rain has produced record river levels and slowly, but surely, the green and pleasant land is starting resemble the last days of Atlantis. Huge swathes of countryside are now lakes and road transport is struggling.

"I have to go now, I've just had some gopher wood delivered and I need to convert 300 cubits into metric. Anyone know where I can find 2 Aardvarks?

"Remember that an amateur built the Ark, professionals built The Titanic."


Dr. McCoy, Bravo. I think you do a simply mahvelous job. I giggled while reading it. Are you published? It never hurts to have a little money set aside for a rainy day! ---- Valleygirl


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.....Submitted 11/5/00 by vee.....

...........................TRIVIA QUIZ...........................

Who is the man who has a BESTEST BUDDY named RED?

Who is the man who has a friend called Jarhead?

Who is the man who brags about his Princess?

Who is the man who outlasted forest fires?

Who is the man who gets a lot of Quiddle answers from New Zealand?

Who is the man who drives old ladies crazy with questions about Sports?

Who is the man who likes to yell HONK?

Who is the man who has helpers named Red, GASunflower, RickiBabe, hateshousework, CeltRbt, northern_beauty_2000, piccadilly and Turalee?

Who is the man who owns Monday and Thursday nights?

Who is the man who has a mob connection named Vinniebagofdonuts?

Who is the man who brings trivia fun into our lives?


The answer is............................................................
..................................................................................
...................................................................................
....................................................................................
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.........ABRAHAM LINCOLN!!!!!!!!!!!!!




......COMMENTS........

Thank you so much for that information, vee. I now understand why our own Darth doesn't get our pay checks signed. He is still "digging" for the right guy to okay the signature... RED


NOTE FROM DARTH: The following letter was delivered to my home Sunday by two "Gentlemen" in a Black Cadillac with heavily tinted windows and a very definite "New Joisey" accent. I am pretty shure it was not the "Prize Patrol." They informed me that I had 72 hours to comply with the letter's demands. Despite a very intimidating manner, I resisted all attempts to give them vee's home address. They did say they would be back if no action was taken within 72 hours


Law Offices of A. Learned Gland
142 Hoover Boulevard
Sopranoville, New Jersey


November 5th, 2000


To Whom It May Concern:

By way of introduction, my name is A. Learned Gland, legal counsel to Mr. Vinnie Bagofodonuts.

As Vinniebagofdonut's attorney, I, A. Learned Gland, Esq. do hereby protest the accusation of "mob connection" being so callously and maliciously laid at the feet of Mr. Vinnie Bagofdonuts.

Mr. "B", as his friends call him, operates a small import-export business which specializes in the olive oil trade. He also, as you well know, operates a small bakery in a Northeastern city in New Jersey. His small but prosperous businesses leaves him little, if any time to entertain such frivolities as "being connected" to anyone. As Mr. "B"'s personal attorney I do vigorously protest the malicious slurs and demand a retraction, as well as a letter of apology.

Mr. "B" is a loving, caring family man who loathes violence in any form. To suggest that Mr. "B" is "connected" in any way to a mob or crime family is preposterous. He is a regular church-goer and attends Sunday mass regularly at Our Lady of St. Mattress. His generous contributions to the community and his love of small children is legendary. I personally have seen Mr. Bagofdonuts offer prayers of supplication while dining with him. A small child began crying quite loudly. Mr. Bagofdonuts became quite distressed and concerned for the child's welfare. He dropped his fork, closed his eyes and prayed out loud for divine intervention. I know he was praying, because whatever he said started with, "Dear God.....".

Therefore, I respectfully request that the comments pertaining to Mr. Bagofdonut's being "mob-connected" be permanently stricken from your web site. Failure to do so will result in vigorous prosecution, to the fullest extent of the law, of the person or persons responsible.

I await your prompt reply.

Sincerely,
A. Learned Gland
Attorney At Law

P.S. Mr. Bagofdonuts states he has heard of Abraham Lincoln but categorically and unequivocally denies ever meeting him.

--vinnie


11-06-00
From the offices of Godwater, Norfull, Ripov and Cheet

Sir

We act on behalf of our client, Mr Gland U Le-Fever, of Country Road, West Virginia, and would like to distance ourselves from the activities of our ex-employee, the other Mr Gland.

Mr Gland has never been an attorney, the closest he ever came was watching an episode of Morse and correctly guessing who did it. Moreover, the aforetomentioned is currently being investigated for various crimes, including; Wearing a loud shirt in a built up area, Walking on the cracks in the pavement and Having an offensive wife. Please ignore all threats from him, he is a cad and a bounder.

I remain your faithful servant,

Mr Walter Wallcarpeting, Vc, DFc and bar

--Doc


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...Submitted 11/05/00 by Har

The other afternoon after school, my sister in law Joy was visiting and we were sitting around talking in the living room. Well, my wife and Valleygirl and Joy were talking, I was falling asleep in a corner of the couch. I could tell I was starting to snore, so I shifted to another position. When I woke up, it didn't seem like I was out long, so I inquired if I had really slept. They all three immediately agreed that I had been snoring as if I had been quite far gone.

I protested, "When I started to snore, I moved".

"No Dad", Valleygirl said, "The house moved, you stayed right where you were."


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Submitted 11/6/00

Darth:

When you created this - did you know the talent amongst us? I giggled like a school girl reading doc's letter......laughed (but also agreed) so hard I hurt reading vee's Trivia Quiz. Now today this letter from and re: Vinnie.....WELL.......I'm laughing so hard my family thinks I've lost it and is close to calling for the "wagon"!

I think of the poor people who just log on everyday with no one to talk to ......I seriously think if you charged us an admission fee - we'd pay! Thanks darth - what a hoot!

--Northern_Beauty_2000


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--Submitted by piccadilly 11/07/00 --


Autumn Artillery

He brought his powerful weapon,
Out of the box from the shed,
With the grim look upon his face,
He had a big mission ahead.

Carefully attaching his shoulder strap,
Making sure his weapon was steady,
Watch out all you poor little leaves,
My hubby is prepared and ready!

Oh you can run, but you can't hide,
You might make him chase you awhile,
But sooner or later, like all the rest,
You'll end up in his huge pile.

You can send out reinforcements,
Paratrooping down from the trees,
But with the powerful weapon he carries,
He'll blow you away with ease.

I've seen him chase a runaway leaf,
Halfway across the yard,
He has an extra long extension cord,
So you best be on your guard.

Some leaves tried to hide in the trenches,
They found in gutters above,
They found hubby can climb on the roof,
To protect the home he loves.

My man is so brave, and true to his mission
I'm elated when he comes through the door,
Cause I'm just so darn utterly happy,
I don't hear that leaf blower no more!


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...Submitted by piccadilly 11/9/00

Congratulations to Vee and Family. Her son Bryan just defeated the 20 yr. incumbent for the title of County Prosecutor for Jefferson County. Vee tell Bryan I watch "Law and Order" all the time, so I know what those prosecutor's have to go through at times. LOL The Best to Bryan and his family. Your hard work has paid off- and most likely the hardest work is just beginning.


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