Deanna Karlene Jacobs
12-16-60 / 03-16-01


My mother was born on December 16th,1960 into a family with one child already her older brother Tim. I am not really sure about her childhood except that her brother would beat her, lock her in closets and he even spray painted her once, all I know is that he was terrible to her and her dad was in Texas in the military so she was all alone. Her mother did nothing to stop it or Tim would hit her too. I think all of her pain started one day when she was walking home from school – I am not sure her exact age but from what I remember her saying she was about 15. Anyway she was walking home and a car with four men pulled beside her and asked her if she wanted a ride, she declined and tried to move past them when one of them jumped out and pushed her into the back seat, I don’t know where they took her and I don’t think she even knew all she knew is they were headed for the cold mountains of Colorado.

Once they reached their destination, now with the sun being gone, they took her out of the car ripped her clothes off and tied her to a tree and each one raped her with a large butcher knife then left her there to bleed to death. Somehow she managed to get free from the ropes and find a rode where someone, a kind person took my bleeding naked mother to the hospital.

When my grandmother arrived and heard what had happened she came to my mother with this look of shame and said to her what did you do to provoke them, this had to be your fault and then slapped her in the face and walked out. Being that my mother was brought up in a strict christen home – meaning dresses down to your knees and long sleeves – short straight cut bangs – coats down to your knees – basically no skin showing how could she have brought this on. They told her she would never ever be able to have children. So she thought of me as her miracle.

She had also found her mothers diary once and she was looking through the pages and came to where she had been pregnant with my mother thinking she would say something like I can’t wait to see my baby – I want her to be here – well no instead she found things like I hate this devil child – I want to miscarry so bad – it hurts my soul to be pregnant with this horrible child.

My mom got married the first time at 19 to a horrible man who beat her and made her feel like less of a person. She had me a short time later Dec. 5th 1981 just a few short days before her 21st birthday. A few months after I was born my mother had a kidney stone that she had to have removed and was pronounced dead for 3 minutes on the operating table, while she was in recovery my father came in and wanted sex she said she couldn’t due to the surgery so he just raped her.

She finally got away with our lives a few months later – to this day he wants nothing to do with me and I don’t think he knows what has happened to her. When I was about 1 she met her 2nd husband Earl and they were married not too long after that. Now I never saw him hit her or anything like that but he cheated a lot and she knew about it so that ended in 1990.

Her and I moved back here to Colorado that same year and went to stay with her mom and my great grandma – I am not sure when exactly but just a few months later she met her 3rd and final husband Ed. He treated her ok from what I saw but a different story to her.

Her and I didn’t start to get close until I got older – I had been a runaway after she met Ed I didn’t like him to much and I know that hurt her – I ran to my grandmas house and when my mom called to check to see if they had heard from they lied and said they did not know where I was and because of me they never really spoke again. I had my daughter at 16 and I know that hurt her also but she loved my Victoria with all her heart and soul.

She had come to my door one day out of the blue – I had opened the door and saw her there I said to her you could have called first so rude and cold – with tears coming down under her sunglasses she said I just need to talk to you. So I came down to her car my daughter in my arms – she said I can’t take this anymore I am afraid I am going to hurt myself I need you to take me to a hospital!

After we talked for awhile she had said I just said that cause I was mad I would never do that to you and Victoria – I took it at that we all say that at one time or another. I kept telling her I would take her if she wanted me to and she insisted that she was fine – see I couldn’t remember her first attempt when I was 10 for some reason it had been blocked from my memory if I would have remembered I would have taken her. I even went back to the house to call Ed but he wasn’t there and I let it go.

The last time I saw her she took me to get our done – I had drove so I took her home after that and went in for a quick minute – god I wish I would have stayed longer – I said I need to get home and she went to walk me out – she said are we gonna do lunch this week since you stood me up last week and I said sure – I turned to get into my car gave her a hug said I love you mom and walked away – I can still see her waving to me in my rearview mirror – then next time I saw her she was in a coma in the hospital. She had gone to a hotel about 4 blks away from her house – paied through a week and was there only 2 days when she swallowed an entire bottle 150 ct of Tylenol PM.

The maids working there found her and said they heard someone in there puking all night but just thought it was a drunk – she was laying on the bed nude in a puddle of blood and vomit. She had all of her jewelry with her and pictures of me and my daughter she had taken a few months before and they were also spotted with blood or vomit I can’t tell for sure.

She was on life support for almost a week and we turned it off on a Friday. It was the most devastating thing that has or will ever happen to me. I think of her everyday almost every minute – sometimes getting so mad I could die – and other times feelings so much pain for her I just want her back.

She has taken every bit of my heart and soul with her and I will never recover from this. Her funeral was nice – I didn’t really help with anything – it was a small service and she had been cremated so pictures of her lined a table that was also holding her ashes. They were in a small wooden box plain as can be – she was laid to rest at Fort Logan National Cemetery here in Colorado – not too far from my aunt who had been her best friend whom had died May 11th 2000 she didn’t even make it a year without her.

She loved listening to Juice Newton and Jimmy Buffet (whom she met in person) – she liked rum and cokes and margaritas. I bet she could have lived on Mexican food. She had to have been the most caring and loving person I shall ever know – I wish I could have told her that. She had the most beautiful laugh and smile and seemed to be happy all the time, she never let anyone know the pain that she was in - I had no idea. I miss you more than you will ever know my dearest mother and I can’t wait until we are reunited in the happy place that I know you are in...…..

Written by:
Devina Bears
July 24, 2002
devinan00@yahoo.com