Chapter 24

© Copyright 2007 by Elizabeth Delayne

Rod arrived late in the afternoon the following day, his hands itching to hold Joanna. She rounded the turn into the entryway just as he shut the door behind him. Then she was in his arms, capping the moment off with a brief, but joyful kiss.

His arms still around her, he leaned back and took in her hazel eyes, the shadows mostly gone, and the smile, no longer strained. He saw the sadness and the pain, the intensity subdued, but no longer the anger or the fear that had sent her running.

“You okay?” he asked. It had been hard to stay away, but his mother had agreed with Joanna’s desire to be alone and away from the emotional feelings of her relationship. He’d appeased himself last night by taking her truck to a garage, hopefully to delay her in Witherspoon long enough for several kinks to be replaced. He wasn’t exactly sure how happy she would be if she knew how much leeway he had given the serviceman.

“I’m much better,” she leaned against him, content in his arms, soaking in the spicy smell of his aftershave and the warm feeling of his arms around her. Despite her need for space, the afternoon had been long without him.

“Tired?”

She chuckled, “No—satisfied and more then spoiled. Your mother’s been absolutely amazing.”

“I’m glad.”

She leaned back, took a deep breath as she look at him, as if absorbing his presence. “I saw you come into the driveway. The car—it’s not my truck.”

“No.”

“Did it give you any problems?”

“Nothing major.”

“Rod!” Her eyes pleaded with him to be honest, while her brow furrowed in worry.

He laughed, dropping a kiss on her forehead and slipped his arms down until he captured her hand. He knew she would not be waylaid—knew he needed to tread carefully and had prayed about how to do so all day. Money was a testy point in their relationship. He led her into the living room, and settled on the sofa as he explained.

“I noticed the shocks were out—thought they could be replaced while you were here. It’s no big deal,” and not the entire truth. He had also requisitioned the replacement of several belts, and her breaks to be worked on.

Joanna’s brow frowned, as he had known it would, “Rod—”

“Joanna,” he cradled her chin in his free hand. “I wanted to.”

“But—”

“I know, I should have asked and I know it wasn’t my car and I didn’t really have the right,” he compromised, his hand tracing the ridged jawline until he gently cupped the back of her neck, “I know. But since I wasn’t allowed to call, I went ahead and did it, and figured you could pay me back in some way later.”

“Just the shocks?”

“Unless he finds something else wrong.” He would have to find a way to tell her about the tires later. Unlike the other things, she would likely notice new tires.

“I want the receipt.”

“Promise,” Rod told her. He would give it to her on their wedding night, but not before. He would find a way to hold her off that long. There were other ways to accept payback then with money, other things that would mean more to him then money. “How about a walk, Beautiful?”

* * *

Joanna became suspicious the next evening on the ride home, her truck handling the road better then it ever had, but all of her thoughts and plans she made to deal with Rod flew out of her mind when she saw Matt’s car parked in her driveway. She parked and turned her engine off, watching the house. The lights were on in the living room. Was it Matt there waiting for her? To what? To discipline his little sister for her outburst?

She winced, reminding herself that God was in control. Besides, he was only her big brother. Not the a family police. Gathering her things together, she went inside, figuring that Jeff had to be back in France if Matt was waiting.

But she was surprised when she opened the door. Matt and Jeff were sitting on the floor, papers spread out before them, a rainbow of activity. She recognized the paperwork and the box, knew they were looking over her parent’s debts. They looked up, relieved, she thought, and not the least bit ashamed for digging through her less-than organized filing system.

Not that she would complain. She felt somewhat relieved that the whole mess was no longer simply in her hands.

“Jo,” Matt stood and brushed off his jeans as she greeted them wearily, shutting the door with her foot. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

“You could at least let her catch her breath,” Jeff jumped in, but for once there was humor in his voice and Matt did not take offence.

Joanna looked at her oldest brother as she sat her bag down, feeling appraised, as if her brothers were analyzing her mood and attitudes. Her heart was beating rapidly.

“Sure. In your office?”

Matt smiled, recognizing the old terminology for their front porch. He nodded, “That would be fine.”

He followed her out and they were seated on the porch steps before he began to speak. Joanna vaguely remembered other times with Matt, when he would sit with her on the old porch and discuss baseball, quiz her on averages, percentages and the league’s top players and teams.

Her father had taught her to play, but it had been Matt that had taught her the sport.

She loved her brothers. She loved them all, but especially Matt.

They were older now, Joanna realized, and more then time separated them from those easy talks.

He took a deep breath, his eyes on his hands that were interlocked and nervously twitching. “I wanted to apologize to you,” he started slowly, “For several things. I know that I’ve made you feel responsible for this house. Maybe I even locked you into it, used your own rocky emotions against you. Maybe I did it on purpose. I couldn’t bare to let go of the house, I couldn’t bare to deal with it.”

“I’m sorry. I had no right to incarcerate you into these memories. They had to be worse for you then they were for the rest of us. I just wanted ... I just wanted to hold things together, and I didn’t know how.”

Compassionate, Joanna placed a soothing hand on his back. “None of us did, Matt. And you couldn’t have locked me here if I had somewhere else to go.”

“I didn’t want you to find it—even though I knew that you were better off somewhere else then what mom and dad built for us here,” he looked up and sighed, taking in the yard and the neighborhood, remembering how it had been instead of how it looked now. “All of us were.

“And you were right—I should have told you, all of you, about mom. I don’t know why I wanted to defend her, and I didn’t realize until this week that I had even been doing so. I never believed that what she did was right, or that she had ever been unselfish. She and dad were both at fault. They built their own destruction.”

Joanna nodded, remembering her father’s words. Her parents had indeed destroyed themselves, separated themselves from their family.

Matt met Joanna’s hazel eyes, eyes the color of his own. She knew how much the apology had cost him. She reached out and awkwardly put a reassuring hand his tense arm.

“Thank you,” she whispered. “I can’t say I understand why you kept me away, but we need to go on.”

Matt nodded and then laughed, a soft laugh that told Joanna they were okay for the first time in a long time. “Well,” he said, “I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that you don’t understand me. I certainly don’t understand you.”

“You’re talking about my belief in God, again, aren’t you?”

Matt sighed, “Yeah, I guess I am partly. I don’t understand how you can base your life—your decisions on the supernatural. It doesn’t make sense. You have no backing—nothing to hold you up.”

Joanna sat in the silence letting a prayer lift from her heart. Never in her life had she been able to share so many words that meant so much. First with her father, and now with Matt. God would have to change him, not her, not Jeff and not Steven. It would be God, and in His time.

“I don’t know,” she finally responded with a slight shrug. “I guess because God is stronger and more real than anything else I’ve ever had. I can’t back myself in money, because I don’t have any,” she laughed at herself, “and if I did, it could be stripped away from me. Whatever I have on earth won’t follow me to the grave.”

She met Matt’s eyes. He was listening, even if he was in doubt. “God will,” she said simply, “God is where my real treasure, Matt. He is what brings light into my life. The relationship Rod and I have is nothing without God,” she looked up at the sky to see the sun slowly setting. The colors were gorgeous. “And maybe you say I can’t see God—but I can see His work.”

She pointed to the sky and Matt’s eyes followed. “The beauty He gives is all around us.”

“The sun creates the sunsets, Joanna,” Matt admonished.

“But the sun doesn’t know when I need them most. That was a gift to us, Matt,” Joanna whispered. “Begin to look for God and you will begin to see His work, His art, His gifts,” she smiled, “and eventually you will begin to see Him—and only then will you ever understand what Jeff, Steven and I have.”

Matt only looked at her, the doubt still lingering in his eyes. They sat silently on the porch and said nothing for a long time. Finally, he stood and said goodbye. She stayed on the porch and watch him walk to his car. For a moment he stopped and watched as the last embers of sunset slowly faded away—and she saw his search, his doubt.

Thank You God, Joanna prayed, lifting a hand to wave as he pulled out of her driveway. When she went inside, Jeff was also ready to talk, the papers cleared from the floor and the box out of view. She told him about her conversation with Matt and they prayed together for several beautiful minutes, for the first time sharing the burden of their family. Joanna could not remember a time when being with her family had made her feel so blessed.

“Steven went home,” Jeff confided as they sat on the sofa. “I think it’s going to take him awhile to forgive Matt. I guess I would be in a similar situation if I had a place to retreat to, but Matt’s been here on and off since you left, waiting for you, trying to deal with his guilt and his nerves. He left me no other choice but to talk to him.”

His broad shoulder’s sagged. “You were right. Steven and I have handled the our relationship with Matt all wrong. At the time, we felt so helpless—desiring for Matt to find what we found in Christ. I didn’t take the time to understand that as the oldest, he was dealing with family problems we were blind to until later. Eventually, we pushed him away and backed ourselves into the proverbial corner. I’ve been carrying around a bitterness for so long—I finally gave it up.”

The look on Joanna’s face made him laugh, “Now don’t be so surprised. I’ve been struggling with it for years, but your words were a direct arrow into my defenses. I knew I would be going back to France, Angela and our mission, completely out of sorts with Matt and God—and I would have to wait until our furlough to come back and mend things.”

“Now, don’t go and think everything’s fine and dandy,” he warned. “Things are still a little tense,” his hazel eyes looked across the room, lost memories appearing in his mind.

Joanna nodded, “How did Matt take it?”

“I think he was about to wet his pants.” Joanna laughed, her heart swelling as a boyish grin lit Jeff’s face. “We had lunch—he even paid.”

“Really? Matt paid for your meal?”

Jeff smiled, knowing full well that Matt was the miser of the family.

“Said he didn’t understand why I chose a sorry job in France that paid nothing, but he couldn’t fault me for that, he figured. And I was able to explain that I did more as a missionary then talk about God. We run an orphanage, have strong ties into Eastern Europe and Russia, meeting peoples most basic needs. He was surprised—impressed, even. And he asked questions. For the first time he felt comfortable enough with me to ask questions and to listen when I answered.”

Joanna felt her heart swell as she listened to all that God had pulled together. Simple conversation meant so much more in her family then it would in many homes.

She excused herself only for a moment so she could call Rod and let him know she was home. They did not talk long, for Jeff was leaving in the morning and she wanted to spend all the time she could with him. He would not be home again for another year and a half.

For the first time in perhaps her entire life, Joanna was able to thank God for her family with a clear heart. She knew, better than anyone, that more than one miracle had been accomplished that day. Jeff and Matt were speaking companionably for the first time in years, bringing Matt to a point where he could really see something in their words.

Joanna smiled and in her off-key voice, lifted up a chorus of praise.


HEY! and don't forget to e-mail me if you have a comment!




Return to Crushed Table of Contents