Speaking of Doing Worse... Anna Kournikova Makes a Fine Running Mate
by Andy Moseley - reprinted with permission from the October 2000 Mariners' Log
As you possibly noticed in an article elsewhere on this page, my fellow writer BJ Corbitt has thrown his hat into the political ring. While BJ would make a fine king (oh wait... our country is presidents, not kings... my bad), I think I know a fellow who could be even better. That's right, me. To be honest with you, I know very little about politics. However, if former professional wrestler Jesse "The Boy" Ventura can be a governor why can't your everyday college student be President of the United States of America? As BJ said, you could do worse. If you need any evidence: Dennis Rodman, Eminem, and Tom Arnold. See, what could be so bad about me in the Oval Office.
The competition this year is a total joke. George W. Bush? Big whoop, he's the son of a former president. Al Gore? The man who invented the Internet? Ralph Nadar? Weird last name there, pal. Pat Buchanan? Nah. BJ Corbitt? Ever seen your president make himself the third anchor on Sportscenter? After you throw those five fish back in the water, it's clearly obvious that Andy Moseley is the choice for President in 2000. While I do not always agree with what my fellow candidates say, I would like to totally agree with BJ on his "Underage Raccoons Purchasing Blowdryers" policy. Underage raccoons are people, too! Oh, wait... disregard that last statement.
I will make sure that a few things go into effect upon my entry into the Oval Office. First, I'll get that chair that President Clinton sits in replaced. Second, I will go on the only news show that matters--The Daily Show and personally thank Jon Stewart for making more fun of George and Al than he did of me. Third, I will outlaw such words as "Monica," "Lewinsky," and "Elian" at all future press conferences.
What's that you say, I need a running mate? If you insist. I know Anna Kournikova is Russian and not American, but do you realize how many votes she would bring me? Is there any way to change her citizenship really fast? I guess not. Oh well, she's too busy winning (quit snickering) tennis matches. My second choice for VP would most definitely be the Dixie Chicks. Yes, I know there are three of them. That's what is so unique: I would be the first president to have not one, not two, but THREE vice presidents. Not only will they be good at doing nothing (as most vice presidents are), but we won't have to pay anymone else to come perform at the big Christmas concert.
So now that I have thrown my dirty red UGA hat into the proverbial ring and chosen running mates, it is up to you. As a vote, you have so much power. Your one vote could be the deciding factor as I power past Ralph into fifth place in the final statistics. I urge you to cast your vote for Andy Moseley, the next President of the United States of America. Or at least go vote for somebody.