A few Mag jokes!
Bobby robson walks into a Bank to place a deposit, whilst waiting in the queue, he starts to feel faint and collapses on the floor. Everyone slaps him about and pours water on him to try to revive him, when he eventually comes around he asks "Where am I?" "The Nationwide" some one replies. "Is it next season already?" replies Robson. A guy goes into the head shop near the bus station, he's looking for a presentfor his mother in law, who, by some awful fluke lives in Newcastle. He looks around for a few minutes and asks the guy behind the counter 'Have you got something for a present for my ma in law, something unusual?' the guy replies, 'Well, I have got one thing - it's rather special, and I think she may likeit, it's a brass rat' 'OK, then goes the lad, how much is the brass rat then?' 'It's ten quid for the rat, and one hundred quid for the story, what do you want?' 'Well, says our hero, I don't care about the story, just give me the rat' As he walks out of the shop, he hears a noise behind him, and sees about 20 rats scooting across the road from the old railway line, as he passes Laings, about 100 rats look out from the old empty building across the way, they look at the brass rat, and start following him. In fact, every couple of steps, more rats appear from nowhere and follow him. By the time he gets to the Station, he's really scared and breaks into a run towards the Wearmouth Bridge. By the time he gets to the traffic lights before the bridge, there's 35,000 rats charging after him, so he runs to the middle of the bridge and throws the brass rat into the river. The guy watches this and walks back to the shop. The lad behind the counter is there looking as smug as a Sunderland fan after a 2-1 win at St James's.. 'Well, it always happens ... ' he says, 'you've come back for the story.' 'Story?', he says,'Fuck the story ... have you got a brass skunk?' There's this little guy sitting inside a bar,with his Boro scarf on, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, this big dumb geordie steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy,and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The geordie says: "I was only joking man. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outraged, sacked me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was with the gardener. I left home, went to the Boro game, we got beat 5-0 so I came to this bar. When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..." Snow White went to the seven dwarfs' bait cabin with some scran for the little chaps. Finding nobody there, she hurried to the mine entrance and was horrifed to find it had collapsed. She put her ear to the ground and heard a small voice singing, "Mags for the title,mags for the title" "Thank God!" cried Snow White. "At least Dopey's still alive." Q: What happens when a mag takes Viagra? A: He gets a bit taller. Wifey to her sister who's married to a mag: W: After you've had sex does your arsehole twitch? Sis: No, he just rolls over and gans to sleep. Two Mrs. mags were digging carrots up when one of them shouts oot this grit carrot about a foot long. "This reminds me of my old man," she sez. "Cos it's so big?" "No, it's bloody filthy." First Mag: How many GCSE's have you got? Second Mag: Eighteen. First Mag: You're kidding! Second Mag: Well you started it ... A Mag is appearing on who wants to be a millionaire ================================================== Chris Tarrant: "Mag you've done very well so far, £64,000 and 1 life left - phone a friend. The next question will give you £125,000 if you get it right but if you get it wrong you will be out of the game and drop to £32,000. Are you ready?" Mag : "Chris, I am". Chris : "On the screen is a photograph of a current Newcastle United player as a baby. Which Newcastle United is it? Now think about this carefully Mag. It's worth £125,000. Only 3 questions away from the million" Mag : "I think I know who it is ..er!....but I'm not 100% sure. No I'm sure - its Speed. I'm sure its gary Speed (.....pause). Can I phone a friend Chris just to be sure?" Chris: "Yes Paddy who do you want to phone?" Mag : "I'll phone Skunk" (.........ringing). Skunk : "Hello". Chris : "Hello Skunk. It's Chris Tarrant here from Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. I have Maggo here and he is doing really well on £64,000 but needs your help to get to £125,000. Skunk are you next to the fax machine as this is a visual question. I'm faxing you a photo now. Have you received it?" Skunk : "Yes" Chris: "The next voice you will hear will be Mags. He'll explain the question and you have 30 seconds to answer. Fire away Maggie" Mag : "Skunk the photo is of a baby of what current Newcastle United player? I'm sure it's Gary Speed. What do you think?" Skunk : "Its never Speed! It's obviously Ferguson" Mag : "You think so?" Skunk : "I'm sure". Mag : "Thanks Skunk"......(hangs up) Chris : "Well a difference of opinion! Do you want to stick on £64,000 or play on for £125,000 Maggie?" Mag : "I want to play. I am so sure its Speed I am going to go with my first answer - Speed" Chris : "Is that your final answer?" Mag : "It is" Chris : "Are you confident?" Mag : "Yes fairly" Chris : "Mag .....You had £64,000 and you said Beckham. If it's right you win £125,000 and if its wrong you go away with £32,000. Mag ...... (drum roll). It was wrong! Sorry Mag. Here is your cheque for £32,000. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for the Mag" (...............clapping) Mag : "Before I go, Chris, what was the correct answer? It's killing me" Mag : "Des Hamilton"
Bobby robson walks into a Bank to place a deposit, whilst waiting in the queue, he starts to feel faint and collapses on the floor. Everyone slaps him about and pours water on him to try to revive him, when he eventually comes around he asks "Where am I?" "The Nationwide" some one replies. "Is it next season already?" replies Robson.
A guy goes into the head shop near the bus station, he's looking for a presentfor his mother in law, who, by some awful fluke lives in Newcastle. He looks around for a few minutes and asks the guy behind the counter 'Have you got something for a present for my ma in law, something unusual?' the guy replies, 'Well, I have got one thing - it's rather special, and I think she may likeit, it's a brass rat' 'OK, then goes the lad, how much is the brass rat then?' 'It's ten quid for the rat, and one hundred quid for the story, what do you want?' 'Well, says our hero, I don't care about the story, just give me the rat' As he walks out of the shop, he hears a noise behind him, and sees about 20 rats scooting across the road from the old railway line, as he passes Laings, about 100 rats look out from the old empty building across the way, they look at the brass rat, and start following him. In fact, every couple of steps, more rats appear from nowhere and follow him. By the time he gets to the Station, he's really scared and breaks into a run towards the Wearmouth Bridge. By the time he gets to the traffic lights before the bridge, there's 35,000 rats charging after him, so he runs to the middle of the bridge and throws the brass rat into the river. The guy watches this and walks back to the shop. The lad behind the counter is there looking as smug as a Sunderland fan after a 2-1 win at St James's.. 'Well, it always happens ... ' he says, 'you've come back for the story.' 'Story?', he says,'Fuck the story ... have you got a brass skunk?' There's this little guy sitting inside a bar,with his Boro scarf on, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, this big dumb geordie steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy,and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The geordie says: "I was only joking man. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outraged, sacked me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was with the gardener. I left home, went to the Boro game, we got beat 5-0 so I came to this bar. When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..." Snow White went to the seven dwarfs' bait cabin with some scran for the little chaps. Finding nobody there, she hurried to the mine entrance and was horrifed to find it had collapsed. She put her ear to the ground and heard a small voice singing, "Mags for the title,mags for the title" "Thank God!" cried Snow White. "At least Dopey's still alive." Q: What happens when a mag takes Viagra? A: He gets a bit taller. Wifey to her sister who's married to a mag: W: After you've had sex does your arsehole twitch? Sis: No, he just rolls over and gans to sleep. Two Mrs. mags were digging carrots up when one of them shouts oot this grit carrot about a foot long. "This reminds me of my old man," she sez. "Cos it's so big?" "No, it's bloody filthy." First Mag: How many GCSE's have you got? Second Mag: Eighteen. First Mag: You're kidding! Second Mag: Well you started it ... A Mag is appearing on who wants to be a millionaire ================================================== Chris Tarrant: "Mag you've done very well so far, £64,000 and 1 life left - phone a friend. The next question will give you £125,000 if you get it right but if you get it wrong you will be out of the game and drop to £32,000. Are you ready?" Mag : "Chris, I am". Chris : "On the screen is a photograph of a current Newcastle United player as a baby. Which Newcastle United is it? Now think about this carefully Mag. It's worth £125,000. Only 3 questions away from the million" Mag : "I think I know who it is ..er!....but I'm not 100% sure. No I'm sure - its Speed. I'm sure its gary Speed (.....pause). Can I phone a friend Chris just to be sure?" Chris: "Yes Paddy who do you want to phone?" Mag : "I'll phone Skunk" (.........ringing). Skunk : "Hello". Chris : "Hello Skunk. It's Chris Tarrant here from Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. I have Maggo here and he is doing really well on £64,000 but needs your help to get to £125,000. Skunk are you next to the fax machine as this is a visual question. I'm faxing you a photo now. Have you received it?" Skunk : "Yes" Chris: "The next voice you will hear will be Mags. He'll explain the question and you have 30 seconds to answer. Fire away Maggie" Mag : "Skunk the photo is of a baby of what current Newcastle United player? I'm sure it's Gary Speed. What do you think?" Skunk : "Its never Speed! It's obviously Ferguson" Mag : "You think so?" Skunk : "I'm sure". Mag : "Thanks Skunk"......(hangs up) Chris : "Well a difference of opinion! Do you want to stick on £64,000 or play on for £125,000 Maggie?" Mag : "I want to play. I am so sure its Speed I am going to go with my first answer - Speed" Chris : "Is that your final answer?" Mag : "It is" Chris : "Are you confident?" Mag : "Yes fairly" Chris : "Mag .....You had £64,000 and you said Beckham. If it's right you win £125,000 and if its wrong you go away with £32,000. Mag ...... (drum roll). It was wrong! Sorry Mag. Here is your cheque for £32,000. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for the Mag" (...............clapping) Mag : "Before I go, Chris, what was the correct answer? It's killing me" Mag : "Des Hamilton"
There's this little guy sitting inside a bar,with his Boro scarf on, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half an hour.
Then, this big dumb geordie steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy,and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The geordie says: "I was only joking man. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outraged, sacked me.
When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was with the gardener. I left home, went to the Boro game, we got beat 5-0 so I came to this bar. When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."
Snow White went to the seven dwarfs' bait cabin with some scran for the little chaps. Finding nobody there, she hurried to the mine entrance and was horrifed to find it had collapsed. She put her ear to the ground and heard a small voice singing, "Mags for the title,mags for the title" "Thank God!" cried Snow White. "At least Dopey's still alive."
Q: What happens when a mag takes Viagra? A: He gets a bit taller.
W: After you've had sex does your arsehole twitch? Sis: No, he just rolls over and gans to sleep.
Two Mrs. mags were digging carrots up when one of them shouts oot this grit carrot about a foot long. "This reminds me of my old man," she sez. "Cos it's so big?" "No, it's bloody filthy."
First Mag: How many GCSE's have you got? Second Mag: Eighteen. First Mag: You're kidding! Second Mag: Well you started it ...
A Mag is appearing on who wants to be a millionaire ================================================== Chris Tarrant: "Mag you've done very well so far, £64,000 and 1 life left - phone a friend. The next question will give you £125,000 if you get it right but if you get it wrong you will be out of the game and drop to £32,000. Are you ready?" Mag : "Chris, I am". Chris : "On the screen is a photograph of a current Newcastle United player as a baby. Which Newcastle United is it? Now think about this carefully Mag. It's worth £125,000. Only 3 questions away from the million" Mag : "I think I know who it is ..er!....but I'm not 100% sure. No I'm sure - its Speed. I'm sure its gary Speed (.....pause). Can I phone a friend Chris just to be sure?" Chris: "Yes Paddy who do you want to phone?" Mag : "I'll phone Skunk" (.........ringing). Skunk : "Hello". Chris : "Hello Skunk. It's Chris Tarrant here from Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. I have Maggo here and he is doing really well on £64,000 but needs your help to get to £125,000. Skunk are you next to the fax machine as this is a visual question. I'm faxing you a photo now. Have you received it?" Skunk : "Yes" Chris: "The next voice you will hear will be Mags. He'll explain the question and you have 30 seconds to answer. Fire away Maggie" Mag : "Skunk the photo is of a baby of what current Newcastle United player? I'm sure it's Gary Speed. What do you think?" Skunk : "Its never Speed! It's obviously Ferguson" Mag : "You think so?" Skunk : "I'm sure". Mag : "Thanks Skunk"......(hangs up) Chris : "Well a difference of opinion! Do you want to stick on £64,000 or play on for £125,000 Maggie?" Mag : "I want to play. I am so sure its Speed I am going to go with my first answer - Speed" Chris : "Is that your final answer?" Mag : "It is" Chris : "Are you confident?" Mag : "Yes fairly" Chris : "Mag .....You had £64,000 and you said Beckham. If it's right you win £125,000 and if its wrong you go away with £32,000. Mag ...... (drum roll). It was wrong! Sorry Mag. Here is your cheque for £32,000. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for the Mag" (...............clapping) Mag : "Before I go, Chris, what was the correct answer? It's killing me" Mag : "Des Hamilton"
