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'TWAS THE NIGHT - 5 VERSIONS
1. Internet Version
2. Brooklyn Version
3. Tex-Mex Version
4. Santa's Pissed Version (PG 13)
5. Hanukkah Version
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS -
INTERNET VERSION
___________________________________
'Twas the night before Christmas,
when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing.
Geeks? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by
the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas
soon would be there.
The newbies were nestled
all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java
danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa
and me with a snack,
We just settled down
at my rig (it's a Mac).
When out in the Web
there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site
to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac
flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle.
It started to crash!!
I gasped at the thought
and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways
and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering
eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page
that wasn't quite clear.
When the image resolved,
so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment
it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes,
more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen,
My Mac called them by name:
"Now Compaq! Now Acer!",
my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!"
Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits!
And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up!
Make this thing hip!"
The screen gave a flicker,
he was into my RAM,
Then into my room
rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red,
from his head to his shoes,
Which were black
(the white socks he really should lose).
He pulled out some discs
he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude
who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled!
His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa
that I used to know!
With a wink of his eye
and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know
I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word,
gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive
with only a stroke.
He defragged my hard drive,
and added a SIMM,
Then threw in some cool games,
just on a whim!
He worked without noise,
his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures
with Kai's Power Goo!
He updated Office,
Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screen saver
with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit,
my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest
version of Netscape.
The drive gave a whirl,
as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled,
the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger
on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing
but ones and zeros!
He flew back into my screen
and through my uplink,
Back into the net
with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice
as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all,
and to all a good byte!"
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS -
BROOKLYN VERSION
___________________________________
'Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mellow,
Not a creature was stirrin',
I had a gun unda my pillow.
When up on da roof'
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"
When what to my Wanderin'
eyes should appear,
But dat hairy elf Vinny,
And eight friggin' reindeer.
Wit' a bad hackin' cough,
And da stencha burped beer,
I knew in a moment
Yo, da Kringle wuz here!
Wit' a slap to dere snouts,
And a yank on dere manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.
"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Sally, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"
As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
Down came his boot
On da top a my head.
His eyes were all bloodshot,
His b.o. wuz scary,
His breath wuz like sewage,
He had a mole dat wuz hairy.
He spit in my eye,
And he twisted my head,
He soon let me know
I should consider myself dead.
Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He let out some gas,
And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
.....screaming,
And away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'.
But I heard him exclaim,
Or better yet grump,
"Merry Christmas to all, and
Bite me, ya hump!"
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS -
TEX-MEX VERSION
___________________________________
'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the casa,
Not a creature was stirring
-- Caramba! Que pasa?
Los ninos were tucked
away in their camas,
Some in long underwear,
some in pijamas,
While hanging the stockings
with mucho cuidado
In hopes that old Santa
would feel obligado
To bring all children,
both buenos and malos,
A nice batch of dulces
and other regalos.
Outside in the yard
there arose such a grito
That I jumped to my feet
like a fightened cabrito.
I ran to the window
and looked out afuera,
And who in the world
do you think that it era?
Saint Nick in a sleigh
and a big red sombrero
Came dashing along
like a crazy bombero.
And pulling his sleigh
instead of venados
Were eight little burros
approaching volados.
I watched as they came
and this quaint little hombre
Was shouting and whistling
and calling by nombre:
"Ay Pancho, ay Pepe,
ay Cuco, ay Beto,
Ay Chato, ay Chopo,
Macuco, y Nieto!"
Then standing erect
with his hands on his pecho
He flew to the top
of our very own techo.
With his round little belly
like a bowl of jalea,
He struggled to squeeze
down our old chiminea,
Then huffing and puffing
at last in our sala,
With soot smeared
all over his red suit de gala,
He filled all the stockings
with lovely regalos --
For none of the ninos
had been very malos.
Then chuckling aloud,
seeming very contento,
He turned like a flash
and was gone like the viento.
And I heard him exclaim,
and this is verdad,
Merry Christmas to
all, and Feliz Navidad!
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS -
SANTA's PISSED VERSION
___________________________________
Twas the Night before Christmas -
Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves
and threw down the list.
Miserable little brats,
ungrateful little jerks,
I have a good mind to
scrap the whole works!
I've busted my butt
for almost a year,
instead of "Thanks Santa!"
- What do I hear?
The old lady bitches,
cause I work late at night,
The elves want more money -
the reindeer all fight!
Rudolph got drunk
and goosed all the maids,
Donner is pregnant
and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought
that things would get better
Those jerks from IRS
sent me a letter.
It says I owe taxes..
if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever
sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days-
they are all the pits
They want the impossible..
those mean little twits!
I spent a whole year
making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls, their
arms, legs, and heads.
I made a ton of yo-yo's -
no request for them.
They all want computers..
they think I'm IBM!
If you think that is bad..
just picture this..
Try holding those little brats,
with their pants full of piss.
They pull at your nose,
they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile,
the parent's think that I'm weird.
Flying though the air,
dodging the trees.
Falling down chimneys
and skinning my knees.
I'm quittin this job,
there's just no enjoyment.
I'll sit on my fat butt
and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year
now you know the reason..
I've found me a blonde...
I'm going south for the season!
'TWAS THE NIGHT
HANUKKAH VERSION
___________________________________
'Twas the night before Chanukah
and all over the place
There was noise, there was kvetching
Soch ah disgrace!
The Kinderlach, sleeping,
uneasily felt
The chocolate rush
from the Chanukah gelt
And me in the easyboy,
so stuffed with latkes,
I stretched the elastic
which held up my gatchkes.
When up on the roof
(and it has a steep pitch)
A fat alte kakker
was making a kvitsch.
I jumped up real quick
and I ran to the door,
Was it a bandeet,
or only a schnorrer?
He wasn't alone;
he had eight ferdelach,
And called them by name
as he gave a gebrach:
"On Moishe, on Yankel, on Itzik, on Sam,
On Mendel, on Shmendrik, on Feivush, on Ham;
My kidneys are kvelling;
do you give a damn?"
He had a white beard
and payyes to boot,
And to keep out the cold,
he had such a nice suit!
A second from Peerless,
I could tell at a glance,
But the cut was okay,
and so were the pants.
He was triple XL,
a real groisser goof,
So I yelled out,
"Meshuggener! Get off from Mein roof!"
He jumped down and said
as he shook hands with me,
"Max Klaus is the name.
You have maybe some tea?"
So I gave him a gleisel,
while he shook his white mop,
Mutt'ring, "Always the same thing,
They're dreying my kopp!"
From Vancouver to Glacer Bay,
Outremont to Reginek,
Every shmo in the world
hakks meir a cheinik!
They're screaming for presents,
and challah with schmaltz,
And from Brooklyn alone,
the back pain, gevaltz!"
So we sat and yentehed,
and we spun the old dreydels,
(He took all of my money,
and one of my kanidels)
He said, "Business is not bad,
a living I make,
But I'm getting too old
for this Chanukah fake;
And the cell phones, you see
how my pacemaker dings?
For two cents I'd quit,
and move to Palm Springs?"
And he gave a geshrei
as he fled mit a lacht,
"Gut Yontiff to All,
Vey is Mir, Such a Nacht!"
Email: sunshine@webnautics.com
