Eileen: Tea, if you don't share David, I'm gonna hafta hurt you.
Sara: Yeah, I'll hold your arms behind your back. David: Girls, don't fight over me. Please. You're making me blush.
Tea: Let's go, Davey-Wavey.
Sara: Now you've done it. Eileen's gonna do her tai chi and waste your ass!
Eileen: That's right Sara! (Eileen starts beating the shit out of Tea)
Eileen: That'll teach you to share!
Tea: David? Please help me?? David
David (muffled):mmmpphh (kissing sounds)... Hey Sara, you're not that bad!
Tea: _DAVID_!!!
David: Go away and Leave me alone Tea!
Eileen: Uh-uh Tea you're not going home yet! And neither is David! Sara, come trade me places!
Sara: But Eileen, I mean, Scully, wouldn't ...
Eileen: No But's Sara.
Sara(gets up reluctantly): Alright, Fine... (sing song voice)Tea....Oh Tea..... Where are you??
Tea: I'm not hiding in the closet!
Sara: Hoy-ya, beotch! I'm gonna waste you so bad!
Eileen: Hey David, are ya scared of me? You should be but me and Sara, we saved you a place in our padded cell.
David: AAAAAAAAAAAH! (as Eileen kisses him)
Eileen: Don't scream. It sets Sara off. (looks over her shoulder)She's gone!
Sara: Nice try Eileen! (Comes out of the shadows holding Tea's bloody head)
Eileen: Yay! Sara, set Tea's head down there and we'll show her how to share...
David: Mmmmm.... Kinky...
Eileen: But me no like decapitation...oh to hell wit' it. Hey David, may I chew on your BLEEP!!!
Sara: You're such a pervert Eileen.
Eileen: I can share.
Sara: OK.
David: (Sees the psychotic gleam in the girls' eyes) Girls, not biting!
Eileen: Don't worry David!
Sara: We'll take good care of you... (evil giggle)
David: Noooooo!!! SCULLY!!! I MEAN, GILLIAN!!! HELP ME!!!!!
Enter Gillian: I don't think so ladies! That's my job!
David: Go Gillian Go Gillian!
Eileen: No, it's "Go Ricki, Go Ricki" (starts dancing)
Sara: They're doing this to get our attention. Stop dancing, you fool.
Gillian: You girls cannot have David. He belongs to Tea. And me!!
Eileen: David likes us lots. Better than you. You gotsta share. Sesame Street says so.
Gillian: Screw Sesame Street. (picks up David) Let's go!
Eileen and Sara: NOOOOO!
Sara: You're wrong! Tea doesn't have him anymore.
Gillian: What do you mean?
Eileen (points to Tea's head): Tea's gone.
Gillian: David, I'm so sorry.... I mean..
David: Gillian, it's not your fault.
Sara (drags Eileen away from David into a corner of the darkened room):Shhh... Gillian's going to do something...
Gillian (kneels next to David): Oh sweetie, your heads all cut up.
David: I know it. Those girls...
Eileen: But what's she gonna do?
Sara: I don't know.
Gillian: David, those girls are really bad and they're going to hurt you. Now that Tea's not here to take care of you, I'll have to.
David: (smiles) I'm glad you will.
Eileen and Sara: AAAAAAAAAH!
David: Gillian!
Gillian: David: Those girls, they're brutal. Here, come untie me and I'll help you.
Eileen: Sara, Now's our time to-
Sara: Eileen, shhhhhh!!!!
Eileen: Ewww...
Sara: SHUT UP EILEEN!!! Can't you see that that's the most beautiful thing we'll ever see? It's every 'shipper's dream! Mulder and Scully-- I mean David and Gillian together at last! Eileen: Sara!!! I'm not a 'shipper! Quit trying to change me!!
David: Would both of you just shut the hell up?? I'm trying to kiss my fiancee!
Sara & Eileen: Your WHAT??!?!?!!?!?!?
Gillian: Your WHAT??
David: Gillian, will you marry me?
Sara: Eileen, don't look at me like that! That's David and Gillian's job!!!
Gillian: I love you, David...
Eileen: I feel a big but coming on....
Sara: Shhhhh!!!
******A Couple Hours Later*****
*Sara writing in notebook*: "After pulling Eileen, kicking and screaming away from what was quickly becoming a very NC-17 rated scene, and then calming her after her nervous breakdown, she seems to be recovering very well... the nice men in white coats hadn't put us in chains for a long time, but when they came back to get us, they had a nice, shiny new set for
Eileen, who is now in the corner, sobbing herself into oblivion. As for me, I am pleased that I was able to witness the most perfect couple in history finally do their duty to all of the world and especially themselves."
Eileen: Dude, Sara, that was deep.
Sara: Thanks a lot for ruining the moment,
lil-miss-locked-in-the-corner...
Eileen: Hey, that's not nice!
Sara: *Sticks her tongue out*
Eileen: Oh yeah, real mature Sara
*VOICE FROM ABOVE*(Sounds mysteriously like David's): Be Quiet, both of you!
Eileen: Oh no!! It's the men in white suits again!! NOOOOOOO!!! *Sobs and bangs her head against a bouncy wall*
Sara: SHHHH!!!
*Voice FROM ABOVE*: I'm coming in.. just a min...
*Door creaks as David enters, Gilly on his arm*
David: *Looks around* Sara, Eileen? Hello?? Any-
Sara: Eileen, look It's David, back for another one!
Gillian: Um... NO! Nice try Sara, but he's MINE!
Sara: *backs off* O.K. O.K. Sorry....
Eileen: David! What are you doing here??
David: That's the $64,000 Question..
Eileen: Well, why the hell are you here?
Gillian: We wanted to see that you were okay.
Eileen: You suck, so you got to hell!
Sara: Be nice, Eileen. We'll never get to go to their wedding that way.
Eileen: I don't care. Everyone don't like me. You took me away when I was about to **** his ****. You are such a meanie.
David: We also brought you a suprise.(a nurse brings in shiny new straitjackets that have an X on
them when they're done up. There are also XF pics on them.)
Sara: Thanks! They're so purty.
Gillian: (smiling) We knew you'd like them.
Eileen: Well, I'm gonna vomit all over mine and then, I'm gonna roll around in it and make sure your face gets all covered. (sticks out her tongue)
Sara: She'll be okay once the meds kick in.
Gillian: (bends down, and touches Sara's face in a motherly way)Why are you here? You seem very sane.
Eileen: She's a freak, just like me. See? (bounces against the wall) Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy!
David: (moving to Gillian's side) Honey, let's watch them through the camera in here. I don't trust either of them.
Eileen: Damn Straight! (starting to act almost like the girl in The Exorcist)
Sara: Maybe we're not crazy, just possessed.
Gillian: Well whatever you are, it doesn't matter to me... David?
David: (Whips his head around to look at Gilly) What?
Gillian: Do you think we could??? Just try it out for a lil while??
Sara: Eileen, I TOLD you!!! Stop looking at me like that!!!!!
Gillian: Awwww... look how cute she is.... Please???
David: You know I can't stand it when you look at me like that.....*sighs* O.K..... *Leans down close to Sara* Sara.... no sudden moves, right.... well... we were wondering if maybe you wanted to come and live
with us... just as a temporary thing...
Sara: WOULD I???????
Eileen: It'll never last!!! She won't last 2 hours without her pills!!!
Sara: Eileen, did you hear that??
Eileen: Grrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!
Gillian: *Checking watch* David, we have to be at the set in 20 minutes!! Let's go!!
Sara: WhooHOO!!!
David: O.K. come on Sara!
*all leave, Eileen alone in darkness* *sniffle*
*******2 weeks later*******
Nice man in white outfit: Ms. Duchovny, so nice to see you again.
Sara: Oh please, call me Sara.
NMIWO: Sara, I hate to tell you this, but Eileen refuses to take her drugs.
Sara: I'll take care of this!! *opens Door*
Eileen: HELLO?????
Sara: Eileen, sweetheart, it's me.
Eileen: SARA!! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!!
Sara: Nah, I was just enjoying my weeks at the poolside. Davey and Gilly treated me like a goddess.
Eileen: No fair!
Sara: (bending down slightly) Gilly says that if you're good, you can come stay too!
Eileen: (all excited) I'll be good! See? I didn't puke on my jacket!
Sara: That's good. (claps her hands) Come get Eileen out of this jacket!
*****A week later...*******
Eileen: (stretching out on her chaise lounge) This is the life.
Gillian: You've stayed sane for a week. Wow!
Sara: That's a record. She didn't even bite anybody, even when Piper chomped down on her leg.
David: Sorry about that. She doesn't like anybody sitting in her special chair.
(all four are just laying there in the sun, watching lil' Piper splash around in the shallow end of the pool)
Eileen: I feel weird... (her neck begins to twitch)
Sara: What's wrong?
David: She might be going into anaplyhactic shock.
Eileen: No Mul- David, I have no allergies!
David: Well I'm all out of guesses!
Gillian: Move away! I'll take care of this!
Sara: You're not a doctor!
Gillian: No, but I play one on TV!!
David: You're not even practicing *rolls eyes* You're an FBI agent!!
Gillian: Shut up David!
Eileen: Ya'll ain't helping..... ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Sara: Hurry! She's dying!!!
David: Oh no! She's stopped breathing. We have to give her CPR.
(Gillian leans in)
Sara: No, no, Gilly. That would be too weird for her. Let David.
David: With pleasure. (he leans down and seals his mouth over the non-moving girl. After a few seconds he jumps up) She just shoved her tongue into my mouth. She's okay.
Eileen: But I'm not. (she suddenly gets up and jumps in the pool)
Sara: Eileen, what the hell are you doing?
Eileen: Cooling off. David's kiss made me hot.
David: I didn't kiss you! You tried to French-kiss me!
Eileen: You lie!
Gillian: Sara, do you think she's okay?
Sara: I don't know, lemme see *kisses David*
David: *pulls away* Once again Sara, Not bad!
Sara: *jumps into pool* Wha-hoo!!!
Gillian: Hey David, you must be on fire! *kisses David* EUREKA!!! *falls into pool*
******** THREE DAYS LATER*******
*Gillian writing on wall (notebook taken away)* Well here we are... David put usin the crazy bin.. some of these guys in white coats are HOTT!
Remind me of Krycek... with 2 arms... *drool*
Gillian: I spy with my little eye...
Eileen: Something that is white!
Sara: That's everything 'round here.
Gillian: (pouting) This bites. I thought David loved me. (gets up and looks into the corner where the video camera is). DAVID! DAVID!
Eileen: Reminiscent of "Biogenesis", no?
Sara: Maybe she really is crazy... But not as crazy as you *Sticks tongue out*
Eileen: Sara, stop it! I'm really worried!
Gillian: The voices are coming again! Everybody run!
*Enter Diana Fowley* Diana: I'll save you Gillian!
Eileen: *Vomits in corner*
Sara: Whoo Hoo!! Hey Diana! What's uP??
Diana: Come on! Let's help her!
Eileen: *Wipes herself off* Why are you helping her?
Diana: David's too scared to come in. He's afraid of "Biting"? What is that About?
Sara: *Blushes* Oh nothing...
Eileen: Come on Sara, don't be modest. We were gonna chew on his *****
Gillian: So that's it!! I can't believe you Eileen! You didn't love him at all!
Eileen: Who are YOU to say that???
Diana: Who are ANY of YOU to say any of that?? Even though I'm a fictional character, I've known him longer than ANY of you!
Eileen: But you stink like a hospital cuz you're so old!
Diana: (starting to cry) I can only be myself. I wanted to help David cuz he was afraid you'd bite him.
Gillian: I won't but I don't know about Eileen.
Eileen: I would... FOR REAL!
Sara: Shut up, Eileen. You made Diana cry.
Diana: It's okay. I've always thought I looked good but I guess I am old.
Sara: No, you're just spiffy. I like you.
Eileen: Then why don't you make her marry David and be their little helper 'round the house?
Sara and Diana: That sounds great.
Gillian: (staring up at the camera in the corner) SCULLY! SCULLY! I mean-- MULDER! MULDER!
Diana: (undoing Sara's straitjacket) You're a good little girl, aren't you?
Sara: Yeppers, I am.
Diana: Do you wanna come home with me?
Gillian: Umm... I wouldn't do that...
Sara: Where's home?
Diana: Well David's house, Of course.
Gillian and Eileen: GRRRRRRR
Sara *smirks* Bye luvs! *waves and leaves*
Eileen: Once again, she leaves!?!?! What is up with that??
Gillian: She's just a big fat brownnoser. Just ignore her.
Sara: *Sing-Song voice* I heard that ladies! *lights shut down, AC stops*
Eileen: Gilly, I'm scared!
Gillian: Me too...
****** mEaNwHiLe******
Sara skipps with Diana: Whee! This is Fun!
Diana: I know! I think we should do this to David's house.
*Black Limo pulls up*
*The door opens*
Diana: Sara, I got you a present. I got you your favourite band, The Cure.
Sara: No way!
Diana: We're having a party at David's house and they're performing.
Sara: Yay!
Diana: Well, go in and talk to them.
**iN tHe MeNtAl HoSpItAl**
Eileen: Gilly-Willy, how are we going to get out?
Gillian: Did you just call me Gilly-Willy?
Eileen: I'm insane. What do you expect?
Gillian: I know how to get out. I'll say I'm pregnant and...
Eileen: Wow! You are? Congrats!
Gillian: I'm not, but I'll say I am and then...
Eileen: Wait a minute.. I don't get it... you're NOT pregnant?
Gillian: Just shut up.
Eileen: Great, Now I'm confuzzled!
NMIWO: Hello ladies... I have your cocktail for the day.
Gillian: One of those wouldn't be birth-control pills, right?
NMIWO: Umm.... no.... why
*Gilly gives him a look*
NMIWO: *Eyes get big* Oh... Um.. . *runs out door*
Eileen: Whoo-Hoo! No drugs today!
******* bAcK iN tHe CaR********
Sara: Diana, you know I love you for this.
Robert: Well we love You, Sara, Don't we Simon?
Simon: Yeppers!
Sara: Whoo-Hoo!..... Robert, could I have a hug?
Robert: Sure... *Hugzzzz*
Sara: Robert, could I have just one more favor?
Robert: Anything for my lil Sara Elise.
Sara: Could you please sing Wendy Time for me?
Robert: One question: Why Wendy Time?
Sara: It reminds me of Diana and David.
Robert: You too?!?!?!?
****** BaCk In ThE BoUnCy RoOm******
*Crickets chirp*
****At DaViD's HoUsE****
Robert: "You look like you could do with a friend" she said
"You look like you could use a hand...
Sara: Woo hoo!
David: Anything to make my little Sara happy!
*he and Diana begin to dance very close*
Sara: I love this! Stupid poopyhead Eileen has to stay in the hospital!
****OuTsIdE tHe MeNtAl HoSpItAl****
Gillian: (talking to her tummy) Hey little baby! How are you today?
Eileen: (looking around for people) Are you mental, Gilly? You're not really pregnant.
Gillian: I am! I am! (stomps her feet)
Eileen: Well, then who is the father?
Gillian: Um, well... it's... um...
Eileen: Who the hell is um??
Gillian: Fine, I'll tell you. It's Lindsey Buckingham.
Eileen: No Way. Dude!!!!!!! You slept with Lindsey Buckingham?? I want details! When?! Where!?
Gillian: Well It all was very simple, he came to a concert, and I met him and he said come take a drink from the loving cup... so I did!
********* DaViD'S HouSe********
Robert: And still the hardest part for you
To put your trust in me
I love you more than I can say
Why won't you just believe?
*Sniffling in the back of the room*
*Robert looks up*
Robert: Simon, Jason, hold on a minute. *To David* Is something wrong?
David: It's everything. That song made me realize that the best person I had, The only person I trusted, is locked up in the looney bin.
Sara: Go David!
Robert: Then you should go to her. When you find her, we'll be right here waiting for you two.
Diana: I know Mul- David. I'll go start the car.
****On ThE wAy To DaViD's HoUsE****
Eileen: So you slept with Lindsey Buckingham? That is so cool. Maybe this kid of yours will be able to play a bitchin' guitar riff like his or her pop. Now, let me serenade your baby with some of his father's music... "You can go your own way..."
Gillian: (puts hands on her still flat abdomen) No thanks.
*a car pulls up*
David: Gillian! Gillian!
Gillian: David!
David: It's you that I want. Not Diana. She and I are over. But we'll still be friends.
Eileen: Guess what? Gillian's preggie with Lindsey Buckingham's baby.
David: That dude from Fleetwood Mac? Really?
Gillian: No, I just said I was pregnant to get out of that place.
Eileen: But you lied to me.
Gillian: You didn't believe me at first.
Eileen: You are such a meanie! Don't talk to me ever again!
Gillian: *Sticks her tongue out at Eileen*
David: Hey Hey Hey now girls.. let's have some peace here!
Diana: *waves as her beemer drives away* Good luck getting a ride Davy!
Eileen: *hails a cab* Davy, I have your ride right here!
David: *Leads Gilly to the vehicle*
Eileen: uh-uh... Davy, if we go, we leave Gillian! She's a meany poopyhead!
David: Actually, dear Eileen, I am the poopy head.
Gillian: Duh.
David: *pushes Gillian and Eileen in the car* Driver, drop us off at the Fleetwood Mac center for psychiactric help, please.
************ MeAnWhIlE***********
Robert: .... I will always love you.
Sara: *Claps* YaY! I love you Robert!!!
Simon: Dude. What are we gonna do now?
Perry: I need a drink:
Porl: We don't drink anymore! What the hell are you talking about?
Robert: Will all of you just close your shit holes?
*All band members check their butts*
Simon: Mine's already closed.
Porl: Mine too!
Perry: Why'd you tell us to do that?
Robert: Someone farted... I smelled fart in here.
Sara: Any one up to watching X-Files?
*All band members and Robert raise their hands*
Sara: Whoo Hoo! Now... which episode??
Porl: Well-
*David and Gillian walk in*
Robert: Yay!! Did it work David??
David: *Blushes* What.. exactly... do you mean?
Sara: The Song!!!
Gillian: What song?
Robert: Trust.
Gillian: OMG! You're Robert Smith, aren't you?!?! *screams and runs to hug him*
Sara: grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
David: yeah, It worked great.
Gillian: *to Robert* what hair colour do you dye your hair in? and how do you get it to stay up like that?
Sara: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
David: Gill, I suggest you back off... I'm feeling a bit insecure and Sara, well just look at her!
Sara: *Sitting in corner, rocking incessantly, drawing on the wall how to kill Gillian*
Porl: Oh look at the lovely artwork!
Perry: Dude
Simon: Perry, don't you be taking my line!
Perry: Sure. Fine. Whatever.
David and Gillian, together: That's Our line!!
Sara: Whatever you two... just shut up, but first, tell me where Eileen is!
***FlEeTwOoD mAc CeNtEr FoR pSyChIaTrIc HeLp***
*Eileen is sitting at a table surrounded by the members of the old band. She has been admitted as Sara, David's choice for a name*
Eileen: Now listen Lindsey, Gillian told me I needed help. She was the one who said she was pregnant with your kid. Then she sticks me in a mental hospital.
Stevie Nicks: *crooning* Welcome to the room... Sara! For Scarlett...
Eileen: Listen Stevie, I love that song but could you shut your piehole for one minute?
Christine McVie: See, that's why you're here, Sara. Your attitude is bloody awful.
Eileen: My name is Eileen, dammit! As in "Come On Eileen". Not Sara. David chose it for me. *pounds her fist on the table* I want to go home with David and Gillian.
Mick Fleetwood: We'll take you.
John McVie: Yes, we will.
***La CaSa dE dAvId***
Gillian: Eileen is at the Fleetwood Mac Center for Psychiatric Help.
Sara: Why?
David: She needs help that only the members of Fleetwood Mac can give.
*David's cell phone rings*
David: Duchovny. *moment of silence*
Sara: What is it?
David: Fleetwood Mac is coming here and bringing Eileen.
Gillian: *clinging to David* I'm so afraid.
*Lindsey punches David*
Lindsey: How'd ya like that?!
Eileen: Stop! Can't we all be friends? Please?
*holds her bleeding nose* I hurt!
*Gillian and Stevie look at each other*
Robert: Lean on me... when you're not strong and I'll be your friend...
*there's a big group hug*
Gillian: I love you Stevie.
Stevie: I love you Sara.
Sara: I love you Lindsey.
Lindsey: I love you David.
David: Watch it, pal!
Robert: Can you all stay friends?