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My Thoughts and Feelings to Spencer

Journal Entries


Hi my darling, Today was an easier day than the last 13 have been. I don't know why. I still miss you terribly. I need you here with me so desparately. I yearn to hold you in my arms. I still can't believe you won't be with me.

I thought about your foot and hand prints and I cried.

I love you Spencer. I know you are in loving arms. Goodnight.

No date

Today I feel like the reason God took you so soon was to help me draw closer to Him. To bring me back into his arms.I feel a calling, to help other grieving parents.

I wish I had put a stuffed animal with you.

I wish I had pictures of you in your bed.

I wish I knew what color eyes you had.

I have so many wishes that won't come true.

I woke up at 2:30 AM. Then again at 3:30. I would close my eyes and wake up every other minute. I woke up at 3:41, 3:42, 3:45 and then at 3:57. I missed your anniversary minute. The time I gave birth to you.(3:49). Maybe it was a blessing.

Feb.27,1998 and Feb.28,1998

I felt unreal today.I just knew I had dreamed you. I had to go look at your things from the hospital. I touched the hat that your little head was in. I just wished that you were here wearing it. I need you so desparately. I looked at your pictures and cried. We will celebrate your life everday but especially on holidays. I wanted to celebrate XMAS with you. I looked so forward to feeding and cuddling you. Why aren't you here?

I just don't,can't smile anymore. I know I need to for you sake. I just can't right now.


Boy, I have cried about you all day. You are so close to my thoughts. It seems that everything reminds me of you. I worry about you, although I know you are safe and warm and happy. I worry that you are cold. I want to have you inside of me so that I know you are warm and content. I want to take care of you.I want to feed and comfort you.

I talked to the grief counsler from the hospital today. She is going to send me your pictures. She is trying to prepare me about how you'll look. I think I'm prepared.

Goodnight, my love, sleep tight. I love you!

March 2,1998

I've been very anxious today. I haven't been able to find any peace. I have been thinking about you every minute. I still think about you being cold. I want you in my arms in your balloon blanket.

Why aren't you here?

I went to lunch with your brother's friend and his mom. We were due at the same time. Same day. It was the hardest thing I have had to do in the last couple of days.(Everything is hard these days.) I envied her so much.

Every time I bend over I think to myself,"I shouldn't be able to do this so easily." I should be so uncomfortable right now. I wish that was me waddling around over there.

God, I miss you so much. I want you so much. I NEED YOU! I want to know you! I want to know your cries. I want to see your eyes.

It's just not fair.

March 4,1998

We got your pictures today. You are so sweet. I'm so thankful for them. They will be such a treasure.

I miss you so much, your brother Adam, asked me if I was sad today. I am tremendously sad.

Monday is just looming in my mind. Daddy is going to take off so he will be here for me. It will be such a sad day. It would be the day that I got to hear your cries, to see your beautiful face. I got to see it too soon.

Well, baby, it is 2:30 in the morning and I need to try to sleep, but it's tough. I keep thinking of you.

I love you, Spencer. Goodnight.

March 5,1998

I've looked at your pictures all day today. You are so beautiful. I wish I could hold you. I have so many regrets.I want to hold your hand and touch your body all over. I didn't and now I can't. I can't seem to make myself believe that I won't ever hold you again. It seems like a nightmare, that I will wake up and have you in my arms. I just want to touch you again,even if I can't have you I just want to touch you. I love you.

March 6,1998 Friday Three Weeks

I am so sad and lonely today. I have been dreading this weekend a lot. I want to get past Monday. It is pure torture knowing that in 3 days I would have been holding my precious angel in my arms. The agony is so deep. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

I don't know if it's right or not but I look at your pictures all the time. At least 30 times a day. Sometimes I cry and mostly I just yearn to hold you, to touch you again.I wish I could go back to Friday Feb.13th.and relive the moments of holding you. My memories are fading and I can't stand the thought.

Your life and death has been a blessing in so many ways. It has helped so much with my love toward your brothers. And I feel motivated in some ways that I didn't before. Peace has come to me.

Thank you,my darling angel. Mommy loves you with all my heart. Goodnight, sleep tight, I love you!

March 9,1998

This is the day I should be holding your squirmming,crying little body in my arms. Instead, I went to your grave to sit and just cry over you but it's been raining for three days. I will go real soon though so you and I can just talk.

I wanted so much to dig down and get you. I just wanted to hold you just one more time. I wanted to touch and hold you. It's just not fair!

I went downstairs and cried in your Granny's lap for 20 minutes. I told her how much I regreted not holding your hands or touching your feet. I should have held you a lot longer. I shouldn't have let them take you so soon. It was too soon. There are so many regrets.

March ll,1998

I cried tonight thinking of the time in the hospital, when they had to turn you. I just layed there trying not to think. I stared at the ceiling, trying not to cry. While the two doctors turned you so that you would come into this world head first.

I cried with your Granny a couple of nights ago. She just held me while I cried and cried and cried. I just was so devastated. This was suppose to be our day but it had been taken from us. She told me that the cord was very tight around your neck. That helped me understand some, knowing why.

We talked to Dr. Smith (your brothers pediatrician) and he said he bet it was the cord and that it only takes 4 to 6 minutes for death to occur. And that tortures me. I can't stand the thought of you hurting even for a second. I wanted to help you so much, I find myself getting angry, all the time.

Seeing baby things is killing me.I so much want to be using it.

I talked to your dad tonight about having another baby. He said that he thinks it would be great but he would be terrified for 9 months. But if I wanted another one he would be behind me 100%. It would NEVER replace you.But it would help ease the pain.

I miss you, honey. God knows I want you in my arms. I love you with all my heart, Goodnight.

March 14, 1998

I wanted to write to you yesterday but time got away from me. I cried for you. I grieved so deeply. It was 4 weeks yesterday. Daddy's friend told him that he wanted to pay for your marker. That touched me so deeply. It meant that your short time on this earth touched a lot of lives. It brought so many people into our little world. People who care. I miss you so much. I look at little things that I would be using right now on you and my heart drops to my toes. I need you so. Why aren't you in my arms? They feel so empty. Your pictures are so precious to me. I see something new everytime I look at them. Nobody understands why I keep looking and touching your pictures. I have to it's all I've got. I should have your perfect little body instead but I don't! I don't! I don't! Why aren't you here? Why? why? why?

March 16,1998

I cried for you at church yesterday. I felt so much closer to you, that's one of the reasons I go. The other is, I feel that God mad yo his angel so that I would follow your path back to him.

I talked to the grief counsler today and she and I talked about my regrets and wants. I just wish I had held your hands and touched your feet.

I just looked at your pictures. I smiled almost through all of them. That's the first time! But I cried at the end. You are so beautiful. In some of those pictures, no all of them, you look so peaceful. Just like you are asleep. GOD, how I want you to breath. JUST TAKE A BREATH!

Daddy just came in and stopped the tears. He needs me to be strong. He asked about another baby and I don't know. I need alot more time. Goodnight, honey, I love you.

Wenesday March 25,1998

Of course, Monday I had a really, really hard day. I missed you so much. I cried for you all day and Tuesday wasn't any better.

Gosh, how hard this is. I'm sitting in the doctor's office. with all these pregnant women. How torturous this is. I just want to scream. I want my baby. Do they all know how lucky they are to be oblivious to the horror of loosing a child?

Monday I had such empty arms. I needed to hold you. I don't want to share you with God. I know he needs his angel, but I need you soooooooooooo much. I'm devastated. There are so many doubts I have. So many concerns for you.

I'm sitting here waiting on the doctor. I don't know if I want to ask the question "why" or if I want to remain ignorant. I'm scard either way.

I'm crying because this place was such a happy place for me. I'm determined to make our house a happy house. I need God's guidance in that. I want to keep the kids from being bored. Like Tim is. Please, Spencer, watch over Tim,your baby brother,make him okay. You are his angel now. You were suppose to be his special playmate. You were going to be so close in age. 15 months apart.Please kiss him with your love, he seems to need that right now. You look so much like him. It's amazing. I love you and miss you, my heart is broken that I can't have you.

Did you find your baby sister?(even though she was there before you,she was much littler than you). I have yet to give her a name but she existed. She had a heart beat, my little pinto bean did,(that's what dad and I called her when we first saw her). So maybe she will just have a nickname until I can get there. Keep her warm and safe for me too Sarah, okay? You and Spencer are her keepers since she was so small.

I love all of you and remember you every day. I know you are looking after all those that I love.

March 31,1998

Boy, I had a lot to say to you Sunday, but the time just never came to where I could write. We went to our church and I felt so close to you.

I'm so jealous of all these women who are pregnant and who have new little ones. I should have you. Nursing you, loving you.

I went to see you Sunday. I sat and talked to you,did you hear me? I told Sarah to make sure she kept you safe.

I miss you so much.

I've listened to Jesus has a Rocking Chair a hundred times but Sunday I could actually picture you being rocked by Jesus in this huge Rocking Chair and then He handed you over to Sarah. It was the most amazing thing. I had never pictured that. I felt so warm. I still can't believe it. I think I'm denying reality. I just want to hold your little body again.Just once.

I know and am glad you will never feel pain, that you are safe in heaven. ButI want to be selfish and have your here.

I look at your pictures and it looks like you are holding that teddy bear so tightly. It looks like you should be able to breath and be mine forever, but you can't. You didn't! I pray you didn't suffer that night.The doctors tell me you didn't but I still worry so much. I didn't want you to hurt! i love you so much. The pain is so intense sometimes. I hope you know how much you are missed and loved down here. Don't feel my pain, just my love okay baby angel? My love for you is so great!

Sleep well, for I will be with you soon. I love you, MOMMY