All things Godly
Stuff I find funny about religion. I
put *** in the bad words because I'm not sure I'm allowed to have
any on here... go figure.
It is not my intention
to force these beliefs and opinions on anyone. If you are of a strong,
fundamentalist background then take heed now and press your "back"
button.
Creationism Revisted
This is just to point out that even God has a
hard time with a computer.
#In the beginning was the computer. And God said
:Let there be light!
#You have not signed on yet.
:God.
#Enter user password.
:Omniscient.
#Password Incorrect. Try again!
:Omnipotent.
#Password Incorrect. Try again!
:Technocrat.
#And God signed on 12:01 a.m., Sunday, March
1.
:Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again!
:Create light.
#Done.
:Run heaven and earth.
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there
were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:02 a.m., Sunday, March
1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Monday, March
2.
:Let there be firmament in the midst of the water
and
#Unrecognizable command! Try again!
:Create firmament.
#Done.
:Run firmament.
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there
were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Monday, March
2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Tuesday, March
3.
:Let the waters under heaven be gathered together
unto one place
and let the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in string specification!
Try again.
:Create dryland.
#Done!
:Run dryland.
#And God created Earth and Seas. And God saw
there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Tuesday, March
3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Wednesday,
March 4.
:Create lights in the firmament to divide the
day from the night.
#Unspecified type. Try again!
:Create sunmoonstars.
#And God created Sun, Moon, Stars. And God saw
there were
0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Wednesday,
March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54:00.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Thursday, March
5.
:Create fish.
#Done.
:Create fowl.
#Done.
:Run fish'nfowl.
#And God created the great seamonsters and every
living creature
that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after
its kind and
every winged fowl after its kind. 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Thursday,
March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Friday, March
6.
:Create cattle.
#Done.
:Create creepy things.
#Done.
:Now let us make man in our image.
#Unspecified type! Try again.
:Create man.
#Done.
:Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth
and subdue it
and have dominion over the fish of the sea and
over of the fowl
of the air and over every living thing that creepeth
upon the
earth.
#Too many command operands! Try again.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
:Insert breath.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
:Move man to Garden of Eden.
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
:Create Gard.En.
#Done.
:Move man to Gard.En.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
:Copy woman from man.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 3 errors.
:Insert woman into man.
#Illegal parameters. Try again!
:Insert man into woman.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
:Create desire.
#Done.
:Run multiplication.
#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying
in the
Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create freewill.
#Done.
:Run freewill.
#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying
in the
Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Undo desire.
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
:Destroy freewill.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot
be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Help!
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot
be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Create Treeofknowledge.
#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying
in the
Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create good'nevil.
#Done.
:Activate evil.
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning: System error in sector E95. Man'nwoman
not in Gard.En.
#1 errors.
:Scan Gard.En. for man'nwoman.
#Man'nwoman cannot be located. Try again!
:Search Gard.En. for man'nwoman.
#Search failed.
:Delete shame.
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
:Destroy freewill.
#Freewill an inaccessible file and cannot be
destroyed.
:Stop!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
:Break
:Break
:Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER
GOING DOWN FOR
REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES.
PLEASE
SIGN OFF.
:Create new world.
#You have exceeded your allotted file space.
You must destroy
old files before new ones can be created.
:Destroy earth.
#Destroy earth. Please confirm.
:Destroy earth confirmed.
#COMPUTER DOWN. COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL
RESUME ON SUNDAY
MARCH 8 AT 6:00 A.M. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW!
#And God signed off at 11:59 p.m., Friday, March
6.
#And God he had zero funds remaining.
Thanks to http://www1.rider.edu/~grushow/funny/old/creation.html
List of People Murdered By God
The lord giveth, the lord taketh away:: (Lo,
the lord is a kind and loving being, is he not...)
The following is a list of people murdered by
God directly or through His command.
*The entire population of the earth except for
eight survivors (Genesis 7:23)
*Every inhabitant of Sodom and Gomorrah except
for one family (Genesis 19:24)
*Every first born of Egypt (Exodus 12:29) *All
the hosts of the Pharaoh, including the captains of 600 chariots (Exodus
14:27,28)
*Amalek and his people (Exodus 17:11,16)
*3,000 Israelites (Exodus 32:27)
*250 Levite princes who had challenged the leadership
of Moses (Numbers 16:1-40)
*14,700 Jews in a plague who had rebelled against
Moses following the killing of the princes (Numbers 16:41-49)
*All the subjects of Og (Numbers 21:34, 35)
*24,000 Israelites who lived with Moabite women
(Numbers 25:4, 9)
*All the males, kings, and non-virgin females
of the Midianites (Numbers 31:7, 8)
*The Ammonites (Deuteronomy 2:19-21)
*The Horims (Deuteronomy 2:22)
*All the citizens of Jericho, except for a prostitute
and her family (Joshua 6)
*12,000 citizens of Ai. Joshua hung the king
on a tree. (Joshua 8:1-30)
*All the people of Makkedah (Joshua 10:28)
*All the people of Libnah (Joshua 10:29, 30)
*All the people of Gezer (Joshua 10:33)
*All the people of Lachish (Joshua 10:32)
*All the people of Eglon (Joshua 10:34, 35)
*All the people of Hebron (Joshua 10:36, 37)
*All the inhabitants of 1 of the country of the
hills, and of the south, and the vale, and of the springs and all their
kings (Joshua 10:40)
*All 31 kings and inhabitants of their countries,
and south country, and the land of Goshen, and the valley, and the plain,
and the mountain of Israel, and the valley of the same from Mt. Halak to
Mt. Hermon (Joshua 11:12, 16, 17, 12:24)
*10,000 Moabites (Judges 3:29)
*10,000 Perizzites and Canaanites (Judges 1:4)
*600 Phillistines (Judges 3:31)
*All of Sisera (Judges 4:16)
*120,000 Midianites (Judges 8:10)
*25,100 Benjaminites (Judges 20:35)
*50,070 people of Bethshemesh (I Samuel 6:19)
*All the Amalekites (I Samuel 15:3, 7)
*The armies and five kings of the Amorites (Amos
3:2)
*The Moabites and 22,000 Syrians (II Samuel 8:2,
5, 6, 14)
*40,000 Syrian horsemen (II Samuel 10:18)
*100,000 Syrian footmen, followed by 27,000 who
are all crushed by a wall (I Kings 20:28, 29, 30)
*42 children eaten by a bear (II Kings 2:23,
24)
*185,000 Assyrians killed by an angel (II Kings
19:35)
*10,000 Edomites, followed by 10,000 more whose
killers brought them to the top of the rock, and cast them down from the
top of the rock, that they were broken in pieces (II Chronicles 28)
*120,000 Judeans (II Chronicles 28)
*75,000 Persians (Esther 9:16)
Thanks to http://www.psnw.com/~punx/ed/listgod.html
WHY GOD NEVER RECEIVED TENURE AT ANY UNIVERSITY
1.He had only one major publication.
2.It was in Hebrew.
3.It had no references.
4.It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5.Some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6.It may be true that he created the world, but
what has he done since then ?
7.His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8.The scientific community has had a hard time
replicating his results.
9.He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission
to use human subjects.
10.When one experiment went awry, he tried to
cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11.When subjects didn't behave as predicted,
he deleted them from the sample.
12.He rarely came to class, just told students
to read the Book.
13.Some say he had his son teach the class.
14.He expelled his first two students for learning.
15.Although there were only ten requirements,
most students failed his tests.
16.His office hours were infrequent and usually
held on a mountain top.
Thanks to http://www.callamer.com/itc/lus/lus6.html
* BEER PRAYER *
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage's,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter and The lager.
For ever and ever.
BARMEN.
Thanks to whoever sent me this over e-mail
Revelations . . . exerpts from a Bill Hicks transcript
I found at http://recomputer.electricfrog.co.uk/richardh/bill/routines/revelati.htm
Thanks to Jase for the transcript. You
can find his webpage at http://webzone.ccacyber.com/www/hahaha/%20
---
It is hard to quit smoking. Everyone of them
looks real good to me right now. Every cigarette looks like it was made
by God, rolled by Jesus, and moistened shut with Claudia Schiffer's p***y
right now
Wwwww. "Golly that looks tasty"
---
Kennedy, I love talking about the Kennedy assassination
because to me it's a great example of, er, a totalitarian government's
ability to, you know, manage information and thus keep us in the dark any
way they... Oh sorry wrong meeting... Ah s**t. That's the meeting we're
having tomorrow at the docks. [winks]
I love talking about Kennedy. I was just down
in Dallas, Texas. You know you can go down there and, er, to Dealey Plaza
where Kennedy was assassinated. And you can actually go to the sixth floor
of the Schoolbook Depository. It's a museum called... 'The Assassination
Museum'. I think they named that after the assassination. I can't be too
sure of the chronology here but... Anyway they have the window set up to
look exactly like it did on that day. And it's really accurate, you know,
cos Oswald's not in it.
"Yeah, yeah so wow that's cool."
Painstaking accuracy, you know. It's true, it's called the 'Sniper's Nest'.
It's glassed in, it's got the boxes sitting there. You can't actually get
to the window as such but the reason they did that of course, they didn't
want thousands of American tourists getting there each year going [Mimes
looking out of window]
"No f***ing way!
I can't even see the road.
S**t they're lying to us.
F**k!
Where are they?
There's no f***ing way."
Not unless Oswald was hanging by his toes, upside
down from the ledge. Either that or some pigeons grabbed onto him, flew
him over the motorcade... Surely someone would have seen that. You know
there was rumours of anti-Castro pigeons seen drinking in bars... Someone
overhead them saying 'coup, coup'
Coo. Unbelievable. And you know what's wild,
people's, er, attitudes in the States about it. Talking about Kennedy,
people come up to me:
"Bill, quit talking about Kennedy, man.
Let it go. It's a long time ago - just forget about it."
And I'm like alright, then don't bring up Jesus
to me.
As long as we're talking shelf life here.
"Bill, you know Jesus died for you."
Yeah, well it was a long time ago. Forget about
it!
How about this. Get Pilate to release the f***ing
files. Quit washing your hands Pilate - release the godd*** files. Who
else was on that grassy Golgotha that day?
"Bill, it was just, you know, hur, taking
over of democracy by a totalitarian government, let it go."
That's another good thing about Bush being gone,
man, cos for the last 12 years with Reagan and Bush, we have had fundamentalist
Christians in the White House. Fundamentalist Christians who believe the
Bible is the exact word of God, including that wacky fire and brimstone
Revelations ending, have had their finger on the f***ing button for 12
years.[Eyes roll back in head]
"Tell me when Lord, tell me when. Let
me be your servant Lord."
Fundamentalist Christianity - fascinating. These
people actually believe that the bi.., er, the world is 12 thousand years
old. Swear to God.
What the..? Based on what? I asked them.
"Well we looked at all the people in
the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages
- 12 thousand years."
Well how f***ing scientific, okay.
I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble.
That's good.
You believe the world's 12 thousand years old?
"That's right."
Okay I got one word to ask you, a one word question,
ready?
"uh huh."
Dinosaurs.
You know the world's 12 thousand years old and
dinosaurs existed, they existed in that time, you'd think it would have
been mentioned in the f***ing Bible at some point.
"And lo Jesus and the disciples walked
to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus... with
a splinter in his paw. And O the disciples did run a shriekin': 'What a
big f***ing lizard, Lord!'
But Jesus was unafraid and he took the splinter
from the brontosaurus's paw and the big lizard became his friend.
And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived
in a loch for O so many years inviting thousands of American tourists to
bring their fat f***ing families and their fat dollar bills. And oh Scotland
did praise the Lord. 'Thank you Lord, thank you Lord. Thank you Lord.'"
Get this, I actually asked one of these guys,
OK, Dinosaurs fossils - how does that fit into you scheme of life? Let
me sit down and strap in.
He said, "Dinosaur fossils? God put those
there to test our faith."
Thank God I'm strapped in right now here man.
I think God put you here to test my faith, Dude.
You believe that?
"uh huh."
Does that trouble anyone here? The idea that
God.. might be.. f***in' with our heads? I have trouble sleeping with that
knowledge. Some prankster God running around:
"Hu hu ho. We will see who believes in
me now, ha ha."
[mimes God burying fossils]
"I am God, I am a prankster."
"I am killing Me."
You know, You die and go to St. Peter...
"Did you believe in dinosaurs?"
"Well, yeah. There was fossils everywhere"
Thuh [trapdoor opens] "Aaaaaaarhhh!"
"You f***in idiot. Flying lizards, you're
a moron. God was f***in' with you!"
"It seemed so plausible, ahhhh!"
"Enjoy the lake of fire, f***er!"
You ever noticed how people who believe in creationism
look really unevolved? Ya ever noticed that? Eyes real close together,
eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet.
"I believe God created me in one day"
Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.
They believe the bible is the exact word of God
- Then they change the bible! Pretty presumptuous, hu huh?
"I think what God meant to say..."
I have never been that confident.
Next we have a bible out called 'The New Living
Bible', it's the bible in updated and modern English. I guess to make it
more palatable for people to read. But its really weird, when you listen
to it.
"And Jesus walked on water. And Peter
said, 'Awesome!'"
Suddenly we got Jesus hanging ten across the
Sea of Galilee. Christ's Bogus Adventure, you know. Deuteronomy 90210,
you know.
Such a weird belief. Lot of Christians wear crosses
around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he's gonna want to
see a f***ing cross, man?
"Oaww"
May be why he hasn't shown up yet.
"Man, they're still wearing crosses.
F*** it, I'm not goin, dad. No, they totally missed the point. When they
start wearing fishes I might show up again, but... Let me bury fossil heads
with you Dad, F*** em - Let's Fu*** with them! They're fu***in with me
now, lets get em. Give me that brontosaurus head, Dad."
You know, kinda like going up to Jackie Onassis
with a rifle pendant on, you know.
"Thinkin' of John, Jackie. We love him.
Just tryin to keep that memory alive, baby." [mimes sniper, mimes
being shot in the head]
Back and to the left, back and to the left, back
and to the left, back and to the left. Which, by the way, that action you
see Kennedy's head go through in the Zapruder film - caused by a bullet...
[points behind him] comin from up there, ha.
Yes, I know it looks to the layman or someone
who might dabble in physics... This action here would be caused by a bullet
coming from...
Well... [thinks]
Up here, did you see that? Did everyone see that?
Yeah, but no. What happened was Oswald's gun went off, causing an echo
to echo through the buildings of Dealey Plaza and the echo went by the
limo on the left up into the grassy knoll hitting some leaves causing dust
to fly out which 56 witnesses testified was a gun shot, cos immediately...
Kennedy's head went over.
But the reason his head went over is cause the
echo went by the motorcade one the left and he went "What was that?"
"So there, we have figured out, go back
to bed America, your government has figured out how it all transpired.
Go back to bed America, you government is in control again. Here, here's
American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up! Go back to bed America, here's
American Gladiators. Here's 56 channels of it. Watch these pituitary retards
bang their f***in skulls together and congratulate you on living in the
land of freedom. Here you go America, you are free, to do as we tell you,
you are free, to do as we tell you."
"Oh good. Honey, I heard on the news
that they've figured out that the gun, what happened is, is that there
was an echo and Kennedy was, er, asking Jackie what it was, and that that's
why his head flew u... Honey what time's Gladiators on? Are we missing
it? I'm so glad we're free, Honey."
---
Dodoby doo. People ask me what I think about
that woman priest thing, you know. What, a woman priest? Women priests.
Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to. Ha,
f***, I don't care.
Have a hermaphrodite one. I don't f***ing care.
Have one with three d*cks and eight t*tties, I don't , I don't... You know,
have one with gills and a trunk. That would be cool. I might go see that,
you know, but... You know, I appreciate your quaint traditions and superstitions.
I on the other hand am an evolved being who deals solely with the source
of life, which exists in all of our hearts. Ha ha That middle man thing,
it's wacky and I appreciate it...
Gotta run, there's a voice a-callin' me.
---
But, you know... Pot, right.
Aaah, they lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking
makes you unmotivated. Liiie. When you're high, you can do everything you
normally do, just as well, you just realise, it's not worth the f***ing
effort.
There is a difference.
"(toke, toke, toke) Sure I can get up
at dawn (toke, toke), go to a job I hate, that does not inspire me creatively
whatsoever, for the rest of my fucking life. Or I can wake up at noon and
learn how to play the sitar!"
Nging nging nging now.
Pretty simple when it's spelled out in black
and white isn't it?
You know. Only thing I've ever heard about pot
is that pot might lower sperm count.
Good!
There's too many f***ing people in the world.
Someone needs to say that by the way. Tired of this, "Hey hey aren't
we the coolest. Humans are so neat."
Too many of yer. Quit rutting, just for a f***ing
day. Let's work out this food/air deal. Then go back to your rutting. But
I'll tell you this. Where's this idea that childbirth is a miracle came
from. Ha, I missed that f***ing meeting, okay?
"It's a miracle, childbirth is a miracle."
No it's not. No more than a miracle than eating
food and a turd coming out of your a**. It's a chemical reaction, that's
all it f***ing is. If, you you wanna know what a miracle is. Raisin' a
kid that doesn't talk in a movie theatre. Okay, there, there, there is
a godda** miracle. It's not a miracle if every nine months any yin yang
in the world can drop a litter of mewling cabbages on our planet.
And just in case you haven't seen the single
mom statistics lately, the miracle is spreading like wild-fire. "Hallelujah!"
Trailer parks and council flats all over the world just filling up with
little miracles. Thunk, thunk, thunk, like frogs laying eggs.
"Thunk, look at all my little miracles,
thunk, filling up my trailer like a sardine can. Thunk. You know what would
be a real miracle, if I could remember your daddy's name, aargh, thunk.
I guess I'll have to call you Lorry Driver Junior. Thunk. That's all I
remember about your daddy was his fuzzy little pot-belly riding on top
of me shooting his caffeine ridden semen into my belly to produce my little
water-headed miracle baby, urgh. There's your brother, Pizza Boy Delivery
Junior."
"Hallelujah!" Hold on for a
minute, let's figure out this food/air deal okay? Okay. I'm just weird,
you know? How about have a neat world for kids to come to? Ha haokay it's
me, f*** it. Drop 'em like f***ing flies, boom, just full up the world
with em. I just don't get it you know, I mean I'm sorry man, you know kids
are fine, just keep em away from me. Alright there, alright.
Now get this, I've been travelling all over the
country on British Air. No smoking on British Air. Now let me get this
straight, no smoking right but they allow children. Little fairness, huh?
"Well smoking bothers me."
Well guess what?
I was on this one flight right, I'm flying, I'm
sleeping on the plane, I'm f***ng "knackered". Very tired right
and I feel this tapping on my head. And I look up and there's this little
kid - loose! on the f***ing plane, he's just loose. It's his playground
in the sky. And he has decided that his job is to repetitively tap me on
the top of the head.
I look across the aisle at his mom. she's just
smiling, you know.
Guy next to the mom goes, "They're so
cute when they're that small."
Isn't that amazing, letting your kid run loose
on a f***ing plane. And then the kid runs over to the emergency exit and
he starts flipping that handle to the door. And the guy next to the mom
starts to get up, and I go, "Wait a minute... we're about to learn
an important lesson right here."
Kwoooshh.
Why you're right, the smaller he gets, the cuter
he is.
God, I wish I had a camera right now.
With a telescopic lens.
Like to get a picture of his face when his pudgy
little legs hit that farmhouse down there.
Aah, aah, kids. Ha hha.
Stewardess, since we got a breeze in here can
we smoke now? Fairly well circulated at this point. Woosh. True story.
But, you know.
Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally
upon our planet. Doesn't the idea of making nature against the law seem
to you a bit... paranoid? You know what I mean? It's nature. How do you
make nature against the f***ing law? It grows everywhere. Serves a thousand
different functions, all of them positive. To make marijuana against the
law is like saying to God made a mistake. You know what I mean, it's like
God on the seventh day looked down on his creation:
"There it is, my creation, perfect and
holy in all ways. Now, I can rest."
[Mimes God looking around - spotting pot]
"Oh my me."
"I left f***ing pot everywhere."
"I should never have smoked that joint
on the third day ..s**t."
"That was the day I created possums.
Haha. Still gives me a chuckle."
"If I leave pot everywhere that's gonna
to give humans the impression they're supposed to... 'use' it."
"(sigh)Now I have to create Republicans."
And God wept. I believe is the next verse. You
know what I mean? I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally
upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution. Okay, not
the most popular idea ever expressed. Either that or you're real high and
agreeing with me in the only way you can right now.
"I forgot the code, is it two blinks
yes, one blink no?"
Do you think magic mushrooms growing atop cow
s**t was an accident? Where do you think the phrase, 'that's good s**t'
came from? Why do you think Hindus think cows are holy? Holy s**t! Why
do I think MacDonalds is the Anti-Christ?
That's God little accelerator pad for our evolution.
Let's think about this, man. For billions of years, sorry fundamentalists,
we were nothing but apes. Hahahaha. Probably too stupid to catch a cow,
you know.
[Mimes ape chasing and losing a cow]
[Ape spots s**t]
[Wipes it offf foot]
[Eats mushroom - begins to giggle]
[Laughs]
[Laughs]
[laughs hysterically before lying back spaced
out]
"I think we can go to the moon."
('Thus Spake Zarathustra' plays) [Applause]
That is exactly how it f***ing happened.
Except for the marketing people whose belief
is,
"No, it was proven that er it might be
a good market on the moon and eer and a lot of people went up there, good
numbers, good space numbers..."
Urgh. Save your story of creation please.
Not all drugs are good, now. Okay? Some of em
are great. Just gotta know your way around em that's all.
Yeah I've had good times on drugs. I've had bad
times on drugs too. I mean s**t, look at this haircut. There are dangers.
I think some of y'all have tripped here before
perhaps yeah?
I used to love tripping, man. There's always
one guy when you're tripping who wants you to do something to enhance the
trip. You know what I'm talking about.
"You're tripping? Oh duuude, you gotta
play miniature golf."
[Bill hangs onto the table]
Ha ha Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking,
man.
I'm just sitting over here watching the pyramids
be built by UFOs right now, but get me to that f***ing golf course.
I'm watching Jesus flying around on a unicorn,
but I bet that little miniature golf would be just the thing to make this
trip peak.
So you guys can use your legs huh?
No, it's just that I'm turning into a fish right
now and er how 'bout I meet you there later? Thanks, I'm pretty f***ing
high right now. Thank you. You know. You just gotta be careful, I don't
know what you gotta be, f*** it.
We got pulled over tripping on acid one night,
pulled over by the cops. Don't recommend it.
Cops don't appreciate fish driving around.
They frown on that.
Long night, man. Cops were tapping on this window.
We're staring at him in this mirror.
"How tall are you?"
"A liddle cop, look at him!"
"How does he drive that big f***ing car?"
"Urr, there could be thousands of them,
s**t!"
"What are we gonna do?"
"Let's put him in the jar."
Made perfect sense at that moment.
Put him in a jar, poke some holes in the lid,
leave him by the road.
"You'll never get us copper. Haha."
"We'll send some little firemen to let
you out."
"Hey I bet they know where the miniature
golf course is!"
"Boo! Haha.. F*** it, they scared us."
"Son d'you wanna stand up please?"
"I just found the driver."
"We don't need a driver, we're playing
miniature golf."
True story. Now, later, when I was released [laughter]
I mean spiritually... Oh God.
"I need to see some ID."
"I'm me, he's him, you're you."
"Put your hands against the car please."
"Which one. The UFO, the unicorn or your
cruiser?"
Drugs have done good things for us, if you don't
believe they have, do me a favour - take all your albums, tapes and CDs
and burn em cos you know what, the musicians who made that great music
that has enhanced your lives throughout the years?
Rrrrreal f***ing high, ha ha ha ho ho.
---
You never see positive drugs stories on the news,
do ya. Isn't that weird cos most of the experiences I've had on drugs,
were rrreal f***ing positive.
Er. Who are these morons they're finding that's
what I wanna know. I used to want to call the news,
"Come over to our house! Watch Tommy's,
he's a pig, film him!"
"Oink oink."
"Hee hee, he's been doing that for hours.
He's killing us. You getting all that?"
You know what I mean. Always that same LSD story,
you've all seen it.
"Young man on acid, thought he could
fly, jumped out of a building. What a tragedy."
What a d*ck, f*** him!
He's an idiot. If he thought he could fly, why
didn't he take off from the ground first? Check it out.
You don't see ducks lining up to catch elevators
to fly South. They fly from the ground, you moron. Quit ruining it for
everybody. He's a moron, he's dead, good. We lost a moron, f***ing celebrate.
Boy I just felt the world get lighter - we lost
a moron.
Put on the Hammer album, I'm ready to dance![dances]
"We lost a moron." I don't mean
to sound cold or cruel or vicious, but I am so that's the way it comes
out. Professional help is being sought.
How about a positive LSD story? Wouldn't that
be news-worthy, just the once? To base your decision on information rather
than scare tactics and superstition and lies? I think it would be news-worthy.
"Today, a young man on acid realised
that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. That we
are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no
such thing as death, life is only a dream and we're the imagination of
ourselves."
"Here's Tom with the weather."
You've been fantastic and I hope you enjoyed
it. There is a point, is there a point to all of this? Let's find a point.
Is there a point to my act? I would say there is.
I have to.
The world is like a ride in an amusement park.
And when you choose to go on it, you think it's real because that's how
powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round.
It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very
loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a
long time and they begin to question, is this real, or is this just a ride?
And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "hey
- don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride..."
And we... kill those people.
Ha ha
"Shut him up."
"We have a lot invested in this ride.
Shut him up. Look at my furrows of worry. Look at my big bank account and
my family. This just has to be real."
Just a ride. But we always kill those good guys
who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run
amok. But it doesn't matter because: It's just a ride. And we can change
it anytime we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no
savings and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes
of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself
off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one. Here's what we can
do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money
that we spend on weapons and defences each year and instead spend it feeding
and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would many times
over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together,
both inner and outer, forever, in peace.
Thank you very much, you've been great
"Bill Hicks died of pancreatic cancer
on February 26, 1994. He was 32 years old." From the liner notes
of Relentless
I have put these
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