I don't know where my story really begins. Except to say I have been diagnosed with GAD with panic,some doc's have said I have PTSD, borderline personality disorder ((BPD), and major depressive disorder. I am currently taking prozac,depakote,and trezodone to aid in recovery. I like anyone one else have good days and bad days. The thing about my depression is that not one certain incident makes me depressed. I just am depressed. And things that happen just make me feel worse. I don't know of many days that I can say I was truly happy. The exceptiions being the birth of my child and with each of the births of my granddaughters and of course my recent marriage. Other than the actual event making me happy I was still depressed. If that makes any sence to you. I have suicidal ideation also. I don't know if it stems from my depression or my BPD, also could my depression also come from the BPD. I have been diagnosed and re-diagnosed so many times. I just don't know any more. Seems every doctor you see wants to label you doesn't it? But that is part of their job, and I guess that they have to make a diagnoses to treat you. But I just wish they would agree, you know. I try my best to make myself feel better. I am in therapy for this depression and my other disorders. At my therapits suggestions I have tried many things. Like buying new make up and getting all done up. I have had my hair done up to help me feel better. I try taking walks when I can. It helps me to see my granddaughters most of all. They encourage me to live, when I am feeling at my lowest. And of course spending quailty time with my husband helps too. One of my biggest faults is not taking my medication. I have gone off it many times. Just forgetful and then again just trying to live without it. But every time I stop taking it for an extended period of time I have terrible depression and suicidal tendencies, you would think I would have learned better by now wouldn't you? But I still don't want to be med dependant. My therapist explained to me once it is like being diabetic you have to take your insulin daily. And me not taking my meds daily is just as life threatening because I am suicidal without them. Maybe one day I will listen to her. The one diagnoses that really bothers me the most is the BPD. You can read more about it here.
I read it is curable then I read it is almost impossible to cure. My goal in life is to be like everyone else. To fit in, but I never have any way so what's the point, I often think. Could it be that I never have fit in because of this BPD? Could it be that it bothers me the most because I am BPD. Lots to think about there.
