Sade`s Beautiful Work

"Blue Monday"

"Claudia"

"Gay Marriages"

"Stereotype"

"Zen"

"Blue Monday"

I pressed play. New Order. I lay on my futon in a crouched over position with my knees pulled tightly to my chest, the words playing: Those who came before me
Lived through their vocations
From the past until completion
They will turn away no more
As I hummed along to the familiar words it hit me. The moment I heard that customary British voice throwing those lyrics at me, slapping me hard across the face, it hit. It always did. I closed my eyes and I was brought into another world. So different from the now. Wrong from my world, but special in a euphoric way. I could clearly see the street lights blur by as we flew through the stars. Only the three of us, we cherished each other. We wanted to pour out our full being into each other due to this nonsexual ecstasy we were experiencing. As the singer continues his aesthetic flow my memory emanates, seeing blurred lights and everything glowing in the night sky. I hear a faint squeal released from my lips, a measure of my happiness and excitement, smoothing my hands over my face as I become numb. Feel us embracing each other and laughing. This feeling, inscrutable. "I see a ship in the harbor I can and shall obey". I felt so liberated yet so controlled. This feeling is what I loved, what I needed. Everything is slower as we fly faster. Smell the freedom which is smeared all over our bodies as we soar through the night sky.

Our voices dreamy, our minds make no sense. Just love, pure love. I hear the words "now I stand here waiting ". The song continues as does the ecstasy. This pleasure, the ultimate pleasure, without a single touch. The music is slow , my brain is slow. But it gets faster, and faster, and faster, and faster, and faster, and faster........until we erupt. Our eyes filmed over, our lips tingling with love and joy. I feel the dizziness and lust. I feel my eyes rolling back.

Claudia

From the days I was a little girl things used to happen. Then they seemed insignificant but now they make a lot sense now it has all been put together. Just little things that I never really noticed, like kissing a little girl in my kindergarten class at the age of four and finding a Playboy magazine quite fascinating at the mere age of nine.

And then I grew up and started thinking seriously and becoming more aware...that there was something different about me.

It all started clearly in Year Eleven, when I started waking up to who I was. The year before and all that summer, I'd had a very passionate, always present wish to be friends with someone, at the time I thought that's all it was. Claudia was a new friend of mine, we had so much alike. Loved the same clothes, had the same quirky obsessions and even listened to the same music. It was the first time I met her when the topic was brought to my attention.

We started talking about alternative lifestyles, bisexuality, cross dressers, and the like. It was a very forward, and open conversation. I felt totally comfortable with this girl. She asked me and I replied honestly, "I was unsure". I was too young to know, and I could turn gay later on in life, how could I know what was in store for me in the future?

Here's a quote from an old journal, dated Aug. 29th, 96 after Claudia told me she was gay:

"We talked about her lesbianism. Claudia was so sure she was, I think I might be, but I am unsure. I could be, or I could not. I am just confused. Sometimes I even feel I might be, why else don't I ever care for the guys I date or kiss or fuck?"

The following year I'd always tried to find excuses to spend time with Claudia. I always cherished the time we spent together, was always jealous when someone else made her laugh or got to spend more time with her, or had more inside stories that I wasn't a part of. I was barely aware I was doing this until another friend brought it to my attention. "You're always paying attention to Claudia! Whenever you're talking to me and she shows up, you always talk to her!"

I started to question this, what were my true feelings towards Claudia? I started dreaming, "weird" dreams that I had been told were "wrong". There was one I couldn't get out of my head, of kissing Claudia. I started to be aware of how I felt around her, it felt so special, so intimate. But it wasn't the same as being with a boy...or was it? I mean, Claudia was a girl and I was a girl, to like her, I'd have to be...gay?

Another entry in my journal from Nov. 17th, 96:
"I had a dream I kissed "Claudia" or rather, we kissed each other. Like lovers do. A long, passionate kiss, similar to the kisses you only see in films, on the mouth. I was so afraid when I woke up and realized what I had dreamed. I feel bad, guilty. But how can I stop feeling this way? How can I get over her when I don't even know if I need to? I'll put these thoughts aside for now..."

But then, I thought, I couldn't be gay, I'd gone out with boys before, and I had felt strongly for them. The option of bisexual came into my thoughts, perhaps that described me.

Through all this, I became very depressed. I felt all alone in this emotional abyss and almost became suicidal. I was going through other difficulties at the time with friends and such and I just didn't feel admirable at all, ever. I'd cry myself to sleep every night. My grades had dropped to. I went from a straight A student to averaging C's. One night I was crying and my mother asked what was wrong. So I told her. I had no one else to turned to, so I told her, and I'm sorry I did. I told her I was confused, and that I thought I might be gay. The first thing she asked me was, "What book did you get this from?", typical of mother.

She told me that if I was gay, it meant that I liked girls. She tried to explain it, she thought I didn't know what gay meant. "Gay means you like girls and you don't like girls, so you can't be gay." She told me I would get AIDS and die very early in life. She told me that if I ever told anyone, they would hate me, even my friends. She said I'd better not tell my friends or I wouldn't have any. That night left me more confused than ever. I didn't think my friends would be that shallow, I was still me, wasn't I?

Thankfully, I didn't listen to my mum, again. My friends were also going trough some troubles of their own, one friend was moving to another school, one had a father who was ill. Vicki, the friend who had informed me of how I unconsciously acted around Claudia was feeling alone because of me because of how much attention I was giving to Claudia. So we all got together one day when we were especially depressed and had what we call our "sob session". That was when I first told me friends that I was confused, that I thought I might be gay. I remember it exactly.

I told Vicki "You know how you're always saying I pay more attention to Claudia, how I'm always trying to hang around her? Well, there's a reason!" A little cryptic I know, but it made sense at the time in my jumbled, depressed, confusing world. Luckily, my friends understood and were supportive. I expressed my distress at having them perhaps hate me, they assured me they didn't. Claudia was even more supportive, she even hugged me.

After that, it became a little easier, I had a few friends to support me. We didn't talk about it much, I think they were uncomfortable with it, but didn't want to let me know that. It was during this time that I had to get used to the idea myself...

My friends had accepted "what" I was, now it was time for me to accept myself. With my homophobic upbringing, it was difficult. I stayed closeted for a long time, except to those first friends I told. I was pretty scared, this was something so new and peculiar in my usually stable life. So far I'd been a very "normal" child. I had no idea what was "wrong" with me and how to "fix" it. I would look at Claudia, and feel something deep in my heart, a desire. I would then feel sick to my stomach because I was feeling these emotions. It all seemed foreign to me, wrong somehow. I didn't want to be different.

I avoided Claudia to death, I was so frightened to go near her. And since she always hung around with Vicki, I ended up avoiding them both, cutting myself off from two close friends. They demanded to know the answer one day in history class. "Why are you avoiding us?" That was I think the only time I got angry at Claudia. Was she blind? Didn't she remember our "sob session". I took her out into the hall and explained it, "Cause I'm trying to get over you!" It broke some tension I think, at least she knew why I was avoiding her, and how I felt. We walked around the school a bit, she told me what was going on in her life when we realized we hadn't even talked much. We started talking, about my boyfriend (yes, I had a boyfriend at the time, he never knew about anything) and what it was like to kiss. She turned to me, with those wide blue eyes I'd be trying so hard to avoid and whispered "there's no need for you to get over me.....because I feel the same way about you." She then leant over and to my surprise gave me a soft, gentle kiss on the lips.

I see the three of us. As we were, the friends I would have done anything for. The people I felt absolute love for. I hear the music fade, the singers words "grows cold, grows cold" becomes distant.

I open my eyes to see now. The friendships faded, the mind opened to a different world. I see unblurred lights, smell my clean perfume, and my body feels not love and joy just superficial feelings there for all to see. Love is no longer flowing naturally through my pure heart. I close my eyes and remember my life, the feelings, the strangeness, the unexplainable complete love. However I know it is lost forever. Open up your eyes. The clean, secure, perfect, real, clear, safer, purer, truer world is no longer. Not even in memories. This world only lives on in the eyes of a sleeping child.

Gay Marriages

In 1998, just two years from the twenty first century we have come a long way socially and technologically in the last fifty years. In Australia, our reputation for being a free, liberal and democratic is unparalleled. By law we are required to treat all, regardless of colour, sex, sexual orientation, age or gender, equally. In practice we all know this is not the case. Ten percent of Australians are gay or lesbian. Many of these people are in fulfilling, long-term relationships, however these couples have been declined the same rights of a heterosexual couple. They are unable to be legally married. Now is the time to rid our society of these inequalities, and put individuals rights into practice. It is now time to allow gay and lesbian couples to be legally recognised as married, and as a family.

Gay marriages or de-facto homosexual relationships are not recognised by the law under any circumstances. A gay couple may have lived together for over forty years but if one partner dies, the other does not automatically benefit from his/her estate. This is unfair and discriminatory. For discrimination and segregation of these minority groups from the community to stop, it is time the government took charge, and showed the public that the gay community has just as many rights as the heterosexual community, and to be recognised and protected in a court of law.

Within our community we must come to realise that our family values are forever changing. The nuclear family as we know it is virtually extinct. We see many more sole parent families, de-facto relationships, and a variety of distinct family units. So why is it that gay or lesbian couples don't have a right to raise a child? Is this because heterosexual individuals are more capable of doing so? Of course not. Homosexual couples can give a child all the love and support it needs for a 'normal' lifestyle. Instead of focusing on restricting these caring and nurturing people from raising children, we should be targeting abusive parents who subject their children to physical and mental abuse. It is not only the drug-abusers, rapists, exploiters and hardened criminals who should not have the right to raise children, people who are mentally unstable and constantly put their children down, who don't spend enough time caring to their needs, and not being the support foundation every child needs in their lives should also not be allowed to raise children. During the International Year of the Family in 1995, many calls were made for homosexuals to be seen by the law and society as fully constituted families as proof has been shown that gay or lesbian parents are fully capable of raising children. The only problem the children may face is that of society's attitudes. In this complex and fickle world, our government instead of limiting our rights and freedoms should be concentrating on teaching our children, our future, the importance and necessity of tolerance.

Well balanced children is what same sex parents, like heterosexual parents hope to produce. These parents operate on identical lines as heterosexual families experiencing the same loving, fighting, caring and difficult times. Many gay and lesbian parents who had children from heterosexual partnerships take the time to meet with teachers and principal to notify them of their domestic situation, thus to minimise bullying and social torment of their children. Many also recall their own pain of 'being different' when young, which furthers their concern about protecting children from the same experience. Most couples express a clear need for normality in the home demonstrating a healthy, secure and open relationship.

Popular prejudice maintenance that such situations mould children into future 'little dykes and poofs'. The common retort from gay parents was that heterosexual parents do not always produce heterosexual children, why should homosexuals be anymore successful in this regard? Another major problem is in same sex families there are no custody rights for partners if something happens to the biological parent. Why is it that competent, loving parents be stripped of their children and visitation rights simply because of their sexuality?

You merely have to look at all the poor parenting that is plaguing our society. Abused children, runaway delinquents and broken lives are all evidence showing gender of the parents has nothing to do with a happy, functional family relationship and healthy, normal children.

Stereotype

I hate stereotypes. Even so, it's hard not to hear myself using them all the time. When I'm trying to explain someone, it's easier just to say, "That preppy with the big shoes." than "The girl with the long brown hair and white jeans." I know it's mean. I know that people aren't just the way they look on the outside. Stereotypes are thrown about so much in our society.

Everyone knows what it's like to be stereotyped. We're somebody's previous experiences. We're the nerds, preppies, skaters, homies, and jocks of someone's life. We can't do anything about it, because it's their thoughts. I know that everyone has stereotyped in their life too. Whether it's the cheerleaders or the science club, there's a couple generalizations that all the 80's movies portray. Without stereotypes there would never be "The Breakfast Club" or "Breaker High." Society knows that stereotyping people is what gets us through the doldrums of Junior High. For some people, belittling others is the cinnamon in the oatmeal.

One stereotype that is promptly brought up when talking about stereotypes is cheerleaders. The common misunderstanding is that cheerleaders are ditzy, self-centered, and mean. Excuse me, but who says cheerleaders can't have the depth of everyone else? So what if they're school spirited. Sure, some are ditzy, but then again aren't some other people in other "groups" ditzy too? Why can't "nerds" be ditzy? Why is it only cheerleaders that are thought of to be as light as a feather? It's beyond me.

Report cards came out a few weeks ago. Everyone wanted to know why my grades were like. They took one look at my report card and said,"You have straight A's?!" Of course they were the ones that "looked" like straight A students. "Yeah," I said."Is there something wrong with me having straight A's? What, do you think I cheated on all my tests or went into the office in the middle of the night and changed my grades?" I didn't say that, but I was thinking about it afterwards. I'm not a criminal. I just wear corduroy and doc martens at the same time (so, uh yeah, of course she's a SKATER!)

I don't skate, and never plan to. So what's with all these crackerbrains yelling at me down the hall: "Skater skater!" Uh no....you've got it all wrong chumps. I actually make web pages. (contorts her face into a big goofy smile). What's with that?
What's with all those silly people calling me a skater when I'm not. I guess it's the same thing about calling some one a bum when they actually are just frugal. Does the skater stereotype just come from the way most skaters look? Baggy corduroy and T-shirts (yum yum!)? I guess that's a considerable argument. People really do judge others by the way they look. But what I wanna know is why certain things directly lead to assumptions of other things.

Does the valley girl always have to say "Whatever?" Can she actually have a clue? Can the skater ever have enough brains to get through high school? Can the gangster not listen to rap? Can the jock not be popular? The answer is yes. As "The Breakfast Club" stated when they were telling Mr. Vernon who they were,
there's a nerd
a jock
a criminal
a princess
and a kook in all of us.
That's what makes us human, not just another hip horror movie.

Zen

In Japan we find cities of concrete jungles, limited space, and total chaos. This is a nation which discourages the individual to be an individual. A powerful government, strong economy the country and its people find themselves confined, under immense pressure and stress. It is no wonder that their faith, which is Zen Buddhism,, is still strong in their society today. Buddhism is the common religion for countries where conformity is the rule as it provides the various avenues for the individuals to find themselves, an escape from the pressures of everyday life, and to discover their inner peace. In western countries living space is not a problem of concern. In Australia where land is of abundance, we may look to Zen find it useless for our society, for we encourage the individual to be just that, an individual. With freedom of speech as a bonus, the philosophies of Zen to the average Australian appear to be of little use. However, in our own busy, hectic, career focused lives, the individual may follow Zen to free themselves from their cluttered minds, to question themselves and their existence. Zen isn't merely a religion, it is a way of life.

Every religion at its highest tells us that life itself is holy and that the full experience of life is a home coming. Zen is the Buddhist way of attaining a direct realisation of the truth.. This direct pointing is to the living experience of Reality, to what life is in itself, not mediated by words or ideas. Zen points out a specific state of awareness in which the mystery and beauty of life in this very moment is perceived wholly and directly, and with pure objectivity. It desires to loosen us from the grip of concepts, to shatter the rigid thought-forms in which we seek to possess life, so things can be experienced as they really are.

The Zen way of teaching is to demonstrate Reality rather than talk about it, To see it in its proper teaching capacity we have to overcome our tendency to put everything into words. By using the right word for each situation, we can live our lives without ever experiencing anything directly. There is not one method that can awaken the mind to Zen, and to Reality, but there is training by which the pupil is enabled to let go his hold on his concept-world. This training is applied through four avenues : zazen, sitting meditation; koans, problems beyond logic; sanzen, private interviews with the master; and ordinary physical work in monastery or gardens - the practice of bringing the others into accord with everyday life.

In zazen, the pupil sits in the yogic lotus position and by slow rhythmic breathing, counting is sometimes used as an aid, he brings his mind to a state which is calm and free from ideas and chatter. Setting everything aside think neither good nor evil, right nor wrong. Think of non-thinking. How is this done you ask?? By thinking beyond non-thinking and thinking. This is the basis of zazen. Zazen is not step by step meditation. It is simply the easy and pleasant practice of Buddha, the realisation of Buddha's wisdom. The truth appears, there being no delusion. This may sound rather bizarre to the average Australian, but it can work harmoniously with your being. It provides a form of the utmost relaxation, a state of inmost peace.

Following the method of zazen, and the teaching of Zen each one of us will be on the way to enlightenment - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. 'Depending on nothing, you must find your own mind.' This is a point that must not be forgotten. While zazen may assist you they will not necessarily bless you with enlightenment. The understanding of Reality is not found in the shifting opinions of the world, but in the only realisable thing there is: our own existence. If we only live by one rule, let this be that one. Japanese, Australian, Human or Alien it applies to all of us.

All these wonderful stories are of course copyright by Sade` Please check out her homepage via the link.

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