The Good, The Bad... The Ugly and The Beautiful
December 1, 2005

Life is so beautiful, isn't it? You may get hit with really troublesome storms... and fall into an endless black hole of struggles and hardships. But in the end, no matter what happens... you still get the best out of it. You become wiser, stronger, and a bit more invincible to predicaments that were once too difficult yet now seem so petty and hilarious. No, I am not having a really great day... nor am I drowned with too much romance, I just like to see things this way. You can make me smile with the most thrivial reasons, but the thing is... I can also self-combust when put under Mickey Mouse adversity. Am I really this onion-skinned? Melodrama pushed to the nth level?

Everytime life pulls a practical joke on me, I feel as if I've just been hit by a tsunami, and 5 years of psychotheraphy wouldn't be enough to pluck me out of depression. Yet shortly after the floodwaters recede... I'm back on my feet again, happily gazing at colorful rainbows and prancing through hallways and corridors. Tsk, tsk... such a shame. There I go, pretending with all my might that life's too beautiful for me to handle... when deep in side, I feel wretched and crummy. Each day is a battle for me. I go on boosting everyone's morale, coaching hopeless souls to look at the brighter side of the ugliest downfalls. But deep inside, I'm as morose as they are.... probably even worse.

I've got a lot of questions... tons of rants... and a million tears tucked underneath my smile. Everyone I turn to doesn't seem to get how I feel, how I think. No matter how much I bang my head on the wall, scream my lungs out on a pillow, or bitch out on whoever gets in my way... no matter how hard I chastise myself for embracing such a downtrodden subsistence... it's still here! Dammit... what happened to me?!??

I could think of a million things to blame this fucked-upness to... my failed relationships, my frustrated motherhood, poser friends who stabbed me in theback, missing my mom too much, or pro'ly even that notorious 'being-20' thang that's supposed to haunt you throughout your almost-adult life... but nothing can fully justify this. NOTHING. And that's exactly my point! Why do I go on despite my full knowledge of this non-sense? Masochism. Sh!t. I should've stayed away from all those Sweet Valley books I've read when I was a kid. But still... amidst all the pessimism, I still believe that life is beautiful. Yes, I'm not harboring thoughts of suicide or self-mutilation... and i'm still SANE. I'm just jaded... disappointed and frustrated. But I'm good... this too shall pass, I know. It won't be too long till I get me a good genuine laugh again coz well... life's good and this is just how it is... a good balance between.. the good, the bad... the ugly and the beautiful.

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Lucky are Those Who Have Found The Love of Their Life...
April 15, 2006

In your lifetime, there will always be someone who takes your breath away... someone who will swoon you and send shivers down your giddy spine. These people will come and go. They'll sweep you off your feet without notice, and tear you apart by leaving you in an instant. That's the game, that's how it works... some play it well, some give up and swear themselves off the rosy world of love. Yet in the game of love, someone will stand out, someone will forever be embedded onto your memory. He's the ONE, the GIFT... the love of your life.

You're going to meet this individual... fall in love with him unexpectedly, and inevitably fall so hard and stage a "Romeo & Juliet" of your own. It's against all odds, you either have the best time of your life, get everyone's nod and approval... or you live an exclusive life, "Just the Two of Us" type. Either way, you get the chills, the butterflies, and the deep sighs of sheer contentment. Melting into his arms is the best thing in the world... second best to tasting his sweet lips on yours. Everyone may say 'NO', but for you... it's more than a 'YES'... it's one big 'ABSOLUTELY!'. It's the best time of your life, and throughout the ride... his smell, his taste... and the sound of his voice stays in your head. You don't need to see him to know that he's there... you just know.

And then... he's gone... without you knowing why, and how... he just disappears in your life. And you think he's forever gone...

Think again...

You'll psyche yourself, convince yourself that everything's gonna be alright. With baby steps, you eventually move on. And life never goes back to the way they used to be because there will always be that 'what-if' at the back of your head. People will come and go again, but this time... going isn't a problem. It's not even a big deal, you're stronger now. However this time, staying is a big deal... coz you will know at the back of your head, that you still want to be with the ONE.

You end up with someone who's better, and much more worthy of your love. Yet you still remind yourself that you're supposed to be with THAT one.. not this one. You laugh and grow with the new man in your life... but your laugh is not as loud as it was before... it's suddenly cut short with the memory of your neverending, hysterical laughing moments with the ONE. Milestones will be achieved here and there, and your current partner will bring out the best in you... but you stop in the middle of everything and say to yourself, "I could have loved the feeling better if it were with him". Tsk tsk, then you'll know that you are in a rut. Then you'll realize that he was never gone... and will never be gone 'cause he'll forever be there in your heart and in your mind.

Sometimes the love of your life ain't the person that you'll physically grow old with... the love's just gonna be there, residing in your heart.... ready to give you smiles in the most unexpected moments, giving you tears at the worst possible time ever. But I say... forget the tears... enjoy the laughs. Let go of what has been and live for the moment and for the moments to come. You're lucky that you met the ONE at some point in your life.

Every person that you meet has a purpose, and the love of your life just did his: to give you a memory that's worth keeping and worth reminiscing... something that will remind you that God gave you the power to love and the strength to move on.

Lucky are those who have found the love of their life.

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My Awesome Dragon Year
May 24, 2006

It's funny how you stumble on an artifact so lost, that you thought it was never to haunt you again.

I was browsing through the mp3s on our PC, looking for more music to add to my nano... then one file caught my eye -- "van's first medley". Hah! It's one of those trying-so-hard-to-be DJ moments way back in college. I put the file on winamp, not knowing that it would be my express trip back to a time of dance showdowns, late night gimiks on school days, being perennially drunk, and falling in love for the first time.

Buggin.. buggin me...

I can still smell the freshly lit bonfire, taste the overflowing champagne, and hear the pep squad's drums and the crowd's "Animo La Salle" chants. It was the victory party of DLSU's 3rd consecutive win on the hardcourt. I was armed with my camera, waiting for my kuya Oliver and his BoöTeS to perform with BJ Manalo. Being a stage sister was a piece of cake coz I had a mission: I gotta have a picture of my crush. Hahaha! Eeeewww.. whenever I'm reminded of the thought... eckh! Had my gals from the La Salle Dance Troupe screaming with me, "Go Oliver!", "Go Ken!", "Go Ba!", "Go Toryo!" We all had someone to rally on... and then Patti said, "Kawawa naman si Toryo". Following her gaze, I suddenly thought, "hrmm, poor guy, sweating like hell while dancing... sa tabi pa ng bonfire"

Don't call me baby... You got some nerve and baby that will never do... You know I don't belong to you. It's time you knew I'm not your baby, I belong to me. So don't call me Baby...

Yep, the lights were blindin' indeed. But that pushed the energy to another level as me and my "fruiti gels" rocked Common Ground's ledge. No matter if it's a Wednesday, a Friday, Saturdays.. or even Mondays... it was the place to be. It didn't matter if we wore sneakers fresh from DLSU's SJ walk... we were there with our schoolbooks and all. Every night is gimmick night. And if Common Ground were missing pretty Lasallian ladies, these gals were out laughing and drinking their hearts out at the nearby resto. Yeah, we were sizzling back then, but we didn't care for new pals or new mates. Leave us dancing on the dance floor, and we're all good. Nothing else mattered.

Lady, hear me tonight coz my feeling is just so right. As we dance by the moonlight can't you see? You're my delight. Lady I just feel like I won't get you out of my mind. I feel loved for the first time and I know that it's true I can tell by the look in your eyes...

Smoking by the golden arches was the best. If the trees by the south gate could speak, they would utter testimonies of the deepest, darkest, and juiciest secrets that the fruiti gels and the 2ryo's Angels kept. They could tell a blow by blow account of the love stories of the couples who bonded through this good year of 2000. Most of them still together, some of them long gone... Ken and Gina, Ba and Ria, Irwin and Cukie, Oliver and Loren, and yes... me and Toryo. It was the best time to be in love. It was that time were the good times were amplified by the awesome feeling of having someone you love to share it with you. Everybody knew everybody...

Bring it back, swing it back.. bring it back.. swing it back to me.....

Dance class made us sweat like pigs but hey... we had the best figures in campus! No matter how much we gorge on Mickey-D's french fries, large cokes and quarter pounder (damn those coupons!!!)... our waist lines stayed within 'sexy' boundaries. The battements, the plies... the high flying je'tes... (pardon me if I spelled it wrong!) always striving for the perfect figure... it wasn't how high your extension was.. it was how great you looked with the perfect position. Falling on your face wasn't detrimental... it was the getting right back on the count that matters. The best LSDT prez, Ayee, always striving for fabulous-ness... and performance levels even during executive board meetings. It was the golden year of my LSDT years....

Heaven.. must be missing an angel... missing one angel child coz you're right here with me...

The medley's almost over when this 70's song bopped it's way to my ear. Tsk tsk, Charlie's Angels.. the 1st of the movie version of this 70's series... that was one of the movies that shaped that year. The movie that shaped my 1st ever love story. Such perfect irony -- I'm smiling, while I'm teary eyed. Must be the memory of all the happy moments welling up in my eyes.

I can't stop wishing for a time-machine. Just one more chance to relive those perfect memories of happiness -- childlessness that meant so much fun. It was a balance of hardwork, and great playtime. If someone were to tamper with what happened then, I'd be the first one to bash that person's hand! All the mishaps, and the good fortune of 2000 blended together in a perfect yin and yang that all my misery from work and love right now dissipates as memories of what has been replay in my head.

Now everyone has lives of their own... some stay in touch, some have long been missing in action. Just maybe, if I close my eyes so hard, I'd replay it all over again, and hoping that at some time.. maybe.. if I did close my eyes so hard..... I'd open my eyes once again to the old Rehearsal Hall... or on top of CGC's ledge with the fruiti gels... or maybe... just underneath the golden arches, by the parking lot with the ladies and BoöTes that shaped my awesome dragon year.

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Our 15 Minutes
September 9, 2006

'Yosi'?

Step into the air and feel the  gush of fresh air and cigarette smoke. Placed my Winston lights on the far right side of my lips. A split second before I flicked my lighter, you breezed in, setting your scent... letting it mingle with the nicotine in this tiny center of ecstacy. A quick glance rushes me into a whirlwind of emotions. I feel my now cold hands shaking as I puff my magic stick. Your stare, it brings me into oblivion.  Then the clock strikes... Tsk. Till the next 15 minutes.

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Yummy, Effortless Revenge
September 26, 2006

I sweep myself off the ground, purging my thoughts with images of you and her. I wonder, "what could be the sweetest revenge for such an act of insult?". Silence would lull me to a sea of imagery and possibilities. A day's worth of contemplation squeezed me to a realization that you are not worth any respect. But vendetta would be too pitiful, and alienating. I twist my violent tendencies onto a knot and threw them onto my abyss of sub-conscious inklings. Nobody has the power to pull me into the darker potentials of my soul! So leave them be, I believe. Not my loss... not for me to care. After all, I was never first... just the after-thought.

Now I traverse the path I chose, and to my delight, I've won. He is now the after-thought and she is now filth. From pedestals carved by countless pasts, the both of you have smudged yourselves with dirt. Up from the highest of high... you have both managed to exceed the depths of fatality. To my delight, it is without a single finger lifted off my scars. To my pleasure, it nature's way of avenging my wrath. Bleed to death, I should wish. But no. I have transcended my evil thoughts. No more shall I desire ill of you, or her.... for my work is done. Or shall I say... the lack of it? Yummy, effortless revenge... self-inflicted by two, sub-consciously savoured by one.

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Her Amazing Guts
October 3, 2006

Guts... some people have it, some people lack even the slightest hint of it.

Amazing how she candidly inserts him onto every situation, every conversation. No need for words to come out of her mouth, her eyes glisten with just a minute suggestion of his presence. She finds comfort with the idea of having him in her life despite the domination of stolen moments from his legit other half. Sharing a cab was fantastic for her, the only chance for them to be intimate without the public's scrutiny. An hour spent whispering at her desk is her own "15 minutes in heaven" with him, hiding behind the pseudo-walls of her tiny office.

With all this I say, she's got the guts. I say... amazing how she candidly inserts him onto every situation, every conversation... when just a week ago, it was my mouth doing all the sharing of how great he made me feel. No need for words to come out of my mouth then, my eyes glistened with just a minute suggestion of his presence. I found comfort with the idea of having him in my life despite the domination of stolen moments from his legit other half. I remember telling everyone how fantastic it felt to share a cab with him, it was our chance to be intimate without the public's scrutiny. And so while you spend that hour whispering at your desk, cherishing your "15 minutes in heaven" with him as he hid behind the pseudo-walls of your tiny office... I wonder my dear friend: were you ever bothered that you took the only thing that made my days worth waking up to?

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Do You Think I'm Okay?
October 12, 2006

Do you think I'm ok?

I go on each day wandering along the hallways of my second home. You greet me with hello and I say hi through a smile. This smile may seem like an affirmation that I'm all good, and I lull you into a belief that I'm strong and invincible. And so I go on trudging with that fake smile... a smile that lead all of you to think that I don't give a rat's ass about the insensitivity that I've been exposed to. Think again.

Look into my eyes as I smile, do you see my soul falling apart? Notice how I stare into space each time I get a second of silence... can you empathize with the morose trail of thoughts that sink deeper as I blink my eyes back to real time. Look at me... look deeper... can you honestly say that I'm all good?

They say strength is an asset, and weakness is the killer. We go on training our hearts to become invincible to thorns that come natural with living. Inevitably, we do become invincible, safe from harm... unstintingly stronger. Are we happy now? Maybe. This is my greatest fear... I fear too much strength will render me insensitive. I refuse to let my life roll on by without me feeling and relishing the pain of existence. Numbness is the answer to the practical jokes that God pulls on us? I say FEEL... do not escape pain. It's not escaping pain, it's dealing with the burns and bruises... and nurturing the scars. Strength is indeed an asset... but weakness is not the killer. Because that moment of weakness is an actuation of being human... it's the affirmation of having emotions that set you apart from man-made material things. The tears of emotional disturbance differentiates you from a computer generated droid that can produce massive amounts of factory soap. Cliche sounding as it may be, it's just a balance of the moments of strength... and the moments of weakness. Tears do not suggest that you are a loser, they affirm your capability to feel. Smiling amidst adversity does not equate to insensitivity, it confirms the lessons that time has imprinted on you. So what is it that kills us?

Apathy. The incapacitated urge to care... to feel... this is what kills me. It's one thing to address the presence of affliction, and another to ignore it entirely. Perhaps it's a defense mechanism -- a result of long term infliction of pain. However, my sentiments on traumatic experiences negate the common understanding of the pain that resides underneath the layers of consciousness on one individual. How else did that painful experience find its way to your sub-conscious but through countless efforts of repression? No, do not repress... express your emotions: cry if you have to... laugh if you want to... get scared if you're frightened. Feel it. Once you've felt it, learn from it. Because other than change, the growth of adversity in our lives is permanent. It may seem like the same old crass, but it's actually a mutation of your previous hurts and pains.

So... do you think I'm ok? Yes. Probably not as perfect as you may deem me to be, perhaps a bit on the edge. Nevertheless, I can say that I'm getting along just fine. For I believe that every moments of weakness is a chance to learn to be strong, and every moment of strength is a chance to appreciate the weakness that came beforehand. So you see, they work hand in hand. One cannot do without the other, like Yin and Yang... they need to coexist.

How 'bout you? Do you think you're ok?

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Penniless
October 24, 2006

As I always say, life throws practical jokes on you at the most unexpected time possible. You get maimed with inexplicable coincidences and far-fetched riddles. So naturally, you fight the adversaries... you, once again, engage yourself in a battle of chances and choices. By the end of the day, you end up victorious, ecstatic at the thought that you've outshined fate once again. But... really... have you?

I must say that I have been a frequent shopper in the store of armory supposedly built to help me endure these predicaments. I visit it very often nowadays, thinking that I will never run out of shillings to pay for my purchases. As I've previously stated: other than change, the growth of adversity in our lives is permanent. Consequently, you muster all the wealth of living to gain purchasing power in this armory. Yet, how about moments of penniless embarkation? Can someone acquire more strength and power to go through the whirlwinds of this daunting existence?

I am penniless. If there's one thing that could freeze all my strength to gather and build riches for up and coming struggles... it's the element of a friendship tarnished by betrayal. And this is most especially if the culprit is ME.

Soiled friendship, a state that I could not take. A status that, I thought, I could not produce. I have soiled a partnership that I have always treasured. My worldliness and selfishness drove me to this sinking pool of regrets. I should have known better. Perhaps not as good as I could hope I would be... but a little bit better would have been great. I let the chances guide me to this black hole. And now... what's next? What could come after this? Is it something that I can still look forward to, even without that person who doubles the elation of every success, and erases the sorrow of my misfortunes?

This I should be at peace with. For I have lead myself into such vicissitude, I should now use my armory to guard me against myself. Now my greatest adversary is what I have become because of the countless battles that I have outshined. Yes, my fear is constant, and genuine: I have become a person of apathy. I've incapacitated myself to care. Too much strength has rendered me INSENSITIVE. I refuse to be like this. Has fate turned me into a monster?

And now I go back to the armory that I've always frequented... is there a potion that I could ingest so I could bring my old self back? Or perhaps a weapon that could help me outshine this psychological warfare that I have been subjected to? Perhaps, there is... maybe countless variations for me to choose from.... but what can I do? I am penniless.

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My Sweet Temptation
November 14, 2006

Amazing. That's how I should describe him.

He lifts your spirits before you could even realize that you badly need some cheerin up. You know how much he hates rock music and noisy gigs, but he goes with you anyway... just so he could be with you. You know he's thinking of taking a trip back home, but you've made plans... so he goes with you instead. Your sudden absence makes him wonder, is she asleep? Or is she just lying there with a bad hangover? He volunteers to take all the blame just in case all hell turns loose on you. He goes out of his way to make sure you've got your share of pizza. So he does this, that, and a lot more in between. So why do you still question his intentions?

Because he's not yours.

So amazing... that's how I should describe him. And maybe that's all he'll ever be, just someone amazingly dreamy that I can NOT have.

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Cloudy Sunshine
December 27, 2006

White walls, white marbled floors.... I'm back. I'm back to where it all started, and ended... but has it really ended? The same pair of eyes, those lips, the tousled hair... mesmerizing. Looking away soothed my urge to fight back the threatening gush of emotions. But those eyes pierce through my walls. My hands tremble as it forces to stay dry and calm.

Normal... I need to act normal. Yet my fake laugh and frail smiles give away my supposed secrets. And I crumble. Yes, I crumble... your mere presence shatters me into pieces. NO, stay calm. Compose yourself. Fake laughter... fake smiles. Or shall I let weakness take the lead?

Now it's just you and I. Should I leave? Should I trust my thoughts to bring justice to my crushed frailty? So you sit in front of me, and stare into my eyes... and just when my eyes found the essence of your stares... you look away. Was it because you saw what I've just seen? Was it because I can see right through the walls that you and I have put up? Still, we lock ourselves out. We friggin' lock ourselves out.

So I hang myself to drip. I need to squeeze you out of my life. I need to pierce through the walls that protect your space in my system. I need to wring every bit of you that's left in me. Every bit of my existence will fall apart, but I'll manage. My thoughts will be in disarray, my emotions will rise and fall.... but I'll be okay.

I'll leave the thought of you in 2006. The promise that I've laid eyes on in 2005.... is just as good as most promises are.... always ending up broken.

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My Peptic Solution
April 15, 2007

Somehow, it all turned out fine. Somewhere along that thorn pricked path, I found my solace. Amidst the thick bushes of despair, beyond the lowest depths of irrefutable uncertainty... I found a neon sign that tells me, everything's gonna be alright.

I love life... indeed, I do. Nothing can be as unpredictable and as surprisingly mundane as living life. Not so long ago, my life was as good as dust thrown into oblivion. I saw it that way then... despite the good job, and loving friends and family that surrounded me... life came off as a despicable game of chance that never gave me credit for my efforts. As I've narrated in previous mementos, I've resorted to drowning myself in hatred, gorging in self-pity... pretty much killing my soul. On the outside I was the perfect little preppy girly girl... only beguiling the folks in my life. I wasn't okay then... at least I thought I was.

But thank God for his sense of humor, he turned me upside down, and inside out... only to show me the best thing that could ever happen to a person so downtrodden and crushed. He lit my path with a peptic solution for me to digest the good stuff. And alas... there I saw the ugly turning pretty, the bad turning good.... and the raunchiest of all... turning into a fine young thang.

I could go on and on with how he changed my life... but it wouldn't be that convincing. Coz no words, not even flowery, poetic, nor hilariously frank phrases could fully explain the handsome turn out of my existence. Yeah, yeah... call me chummy now, doesn't matter. Not at all. It's actually pretty good to see me as chummy now, coz I know for sure that I am so, so, so, truuuly happy.... on the outside... most especially on the insides.

Ha! Top that.

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Self-Combustion
September 28,2007

I've recently went through a spiral of emotions. A roller coaster ride that seems to go on and on in my life... and if it ceases to exist in my daily life, I let it persist in my head. No matter how good things are, I find ways to screw up my point of view, just so I could wallow in misery.

As of my last blog, I have been blessed with one of the greatest boyfriends in history. He was man enough to pursue me, and indeed... he is man enough to handle the most weirdest of my mood swings. But the question is, can he withstand the perplexity of my so called sanity? For the longest time, I have prayed and wished for someone who will exert energy in getting close to my family... someone that will treat me and my family well. Dreams of a man who knows when to hug me when I'm down, and when to leave me alone when I'm pissed. Yes, I found him indeed. But oftentimes I pester my happy thoughts with mundane things like irrational jealousy and my abnormal craving for control in everything around me.... including his life. I know that these things would push him away for good. But why do I pay heed? Why, in this world, do I still do it?

You may have remembered me saying how much my mom means to me. I've blatantly claimed that she's the wind beneath my wings. Yet I go on hurting her with rude words and painful gestures? Is being a black sheep a perennial designation in a cereal packet family?

I am a threat to myself. I am probably one of the most blessed 25 year-olds in existence, and yet I pity myself. Am I in some plateau that drives you to do the most stupid things on and on and on and on? I have prided myself in being mature for my age, how come I'm thinking like the way I did when I was in high school? Tsk, tsk. I'm starting to think my maturity got drained along with the blood that I lost during my last grave sickness. 'Cause I should've gotten over these self-pity stages. I know for sure that I got over these things, but why do they keep on haunting me?

I refuse to believe that I am an illusive girl who believes that things should be perfect around her.

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