LINKS
..... Once again I run over my limit on space... so here is my third thought page. I have decided to continue adding on instead of deleting and adding, deleting and adding.
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He is gone. I miss him so much... We said everything there was to say, emptying our minds and hearts into tupperware containers, filled to brimming. I didn't realize how many words went unsaid before that. I feel so empty now he is gone. I never thought of him leaving. It never really crossed my mind. Too many tears. I know he and I are connected.. so why do I feel as though he's gone? My heart aches. I am one of the only people he told. He didn't tell his girlfriend. He is in Berlin now. He is not one completely. I must remember that though it is hard. Everyone is talking of Germany today.
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I don't know why you left. I just wish you hadn't. I'm not surprised.
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I write too much... think too much... my eyes hurt.
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....I overslept today. I woke up at 6:45. I usually wake up at 5:30. I leave at 7:15. I took a really quick shower, put on makeup, and made it to school on time, somehow. Lindsay was already at the lockers when I reached there. Erik and Nick were also there. Nick's always there though.
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I still think about you. It's been 3 days. I wonder what your life is like now. I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night, thinking of you. I hope you are doing well. Truth is, I don't know if I will ever know.
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He was downtown last night. More beautiful than I remembered. Totally plastered. I worried for most of the night. I don't know why. I remember rambling to Lindsay about how he was drunk and I was worried about him crawling into a vent and getting stuck, then his corpse rotting. They'd write, "Where's ___" up on the dry erase board. And he'd be dead. I worry about pointless things like that. Before that we were walking by some guys and they asked if we had cigarettes, which we didn't. We told them no, and they said something about how they liked weed and I said that we did too, and asked if they had any. They did, or at least said they did. They wanted us to come into an alley and smoke it with them. They looked like hippies. No polyester though, and not one of them was Gabe.
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Friday night I had a dream that Katie and I were driving in her car, Lindsay was in the back. We were in a supermarket at first, and the guy from downtown that flicked Lindsay and I off when we were taping him was there. Black hair, pretty aesthetically pleasing, but not droolworthy hair because it's not long enough. Gabe was there too. They held up the store. Katie and I were driving away and I told her that we had to go back, it was Gabe. She said something along the lines of "Gabe is a criminal?" and I said that it didn't matter what he was, he was Gabe, and really that was all that mattered. Katie agreed to go back, but Lindsay was in the back seat telling me what a horrible idea it was to get involved with someone that was a criminal. I didn't care. They shot out our tires, and the rear window. We got back though, and I went in...and somehow the holdup wasn't happening anymore. I didn't know that this person's name was Gabe yet. He just looked like him. I figured that he must have a different name. As soon as we went in Gabe and I started kissing. It was very strange, and in between kisses I asked him what his name was, to which he replied "Gabe." Then halfway through kissing and things he told me that he didn't like me as more than a friend, and really could not continue this. It all felt so real.. I don't know what it means. Everyone thinks that he doesn't exist. I don't know if he does. Probably not, the chances of someone in your dreams relating to real life - when you don't even know the person who is in your dreams - is pretty unlikely. Plus, no guy is ever going to live up to Gabe's standards. I know people who are somewhat like Gabe but there's always something that isn't what I wanted. Nobody is perfect. I need to realize that and lower my standards. I end up infatuated and then I end up ...not being so much anymore. I don't know how to describe it. I still like them, they just aren't the perfect person and I know it in my mind.
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Rented SLC Punk last night and watched that with Lindsay. Fell asleep before the end of it, could have shot myself for that. I'll watch the rest of it today. I wanted so badly to stay up.
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Everyone keeps teasing me about vans... damn them. I don't really mind I suppose. In a way I do... but I just ignore it. Can't get bent out of shape about things like that.
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I walk around downtown so much. I love wandering. I think that's the best feeling in the world, having nowhere to go. Everyone's always asking me where I'm going, following me. Fuck, like I know where I'm going. If I knew that, I don't think it'd be as fun.
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The trouble is I come on too strongly. I figure out what I want, and then it's this element of chase. Once I get what I want, I'm done with it... but when I don't have it then I want it. Sometimes I give up before the chase is over. Sometimes I don't. It's like a car.. even though it's way down the street, I keep trying to catch up. I hate that about myself. It's crazy because I love being alone more than anything, and yet I have this element of chase that drives me crazy.
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I got Herman Melville's book of short stories today for three dollars and ninety five cents. It should be good.
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Chicken and dumplings looks like chunky vomit.
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My head hurts from thinking about things. Supposed to be concentrating on homework. Instead I have been concentrating on not doing homework, which is probably worse than actually doing the homework would be. Must make up more songs on guitar. All the songs I have are driving me up the wall. They all suck. Argh I am in one of those "goddammit everything I do sucks" moods. Must not delete my entire thought page or burn my notebooks or anything stupid. Probably would not be so stupid because lately my thoughts have not even been noteworthy. I just must find something to write so I get online and type. I used to write people letters so I write Josh a letter every day but he's gone. I just write.
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I wish I could be walking around downtown right now even though my legs hurt so bad from walking so much. I continue walking on them even though they are incredibly sore.
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Josh came back. Well he never went in the first place. It makes me so relieved. I know he's miserable there.. I wish there was some way to make him happy. Instead I知 left feeling as empty and unfulfilled as usual and I cannot make him happy. In my mind I remember the way things used to be.
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My eyes are pricked with tears. I brush them aside as usual, leaving behind the droppings of my sanity. One by one we all march down. One by one we all die, and one by one we all live, but what is life? What is death?
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I wish there was some way to feel okay. There's always something lurking in the back of my mind, like acid stays in your spinal cord, memories stay in my mind like some plague, waiting for the right time to strike, keeping me on guard.
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I am confused as to what this life leads to. The sky clouded over today, blotting out the sun. I laid down the other night....ok it was more like fell down...on my floor... staring up at the light, the walls, letting my vision unfocus until everything was a blurred mess. I left it like that until I felt okay. I still have not refocused.
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A piece of laminated plastic is tacked to the ledge. Your name is printed in black ink. Your picture stares back at me. I wonder if you even miss it.
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I wish things would be alright.
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I know not how to take your advances. You flatter me but I feel nothing. You seem to think you are having some perverse effect on my soul when in reality I am as cold and hard as when you came. Fake mirrors. You think you've found the end of the maze but it's another dead end. I'm full of dead ends. Is there even an out at all? Tangled up you to change me, I'm only staying the same. The glass in your picture frame is splintering. Run the glass along your frayed wrist. Veins are pulsing. It's the only reason I'm alive. We are both dying. I'm just going a little faster.
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And so it goes I tell you this and later you concur with others that I am crazy. We fill our own minds with illusions of faith. Someday we will see. Perhaps someday the smoke will clear and I値l stop speaking in riddles and you will stop ridiculing me.. and all will be restored. Until then, i bid you farewell. Until then mutiny prevails. Farewell, farewell, and many times over farewell.
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I finished Bartleby by Herman Melville today. I was saddened to see it end as quickly as it had begun. I have begun on the next short story by Melville, although I do not know its title by heart.
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I feel more like wandering today than in a long time. I feel like perhaps I have not done enough wandering lately. I do feel I hate the male species at times. I have my reasons. Too many most likely. I wish I did not have reasons that I do.
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Things seem to be falling apart more each day. Life is disintegrating in my hands and I can do nothing to stop it. It slips through fingers like water. Cupped hands cannot sustain it for much longer and so slowly it slips through. So it goes like this. I wish there were some way to stop this. Often I don't feel like talking to anyone. I feel so withdrawn. I just want to go into a room by myself and sit and think. I feel like letting go so much but cannot let emotions get the better of me. Instead I must avoid all emotion, inform my mind of something to occupy it. Boys seem to be a constant topic. That way I don't have to think about other things. Trouble is, sometimes boys are the things that trouble me, for more reasons than anyone realizes. Everyone asks me if I feel alright and I say that I do. The response is reflex. If only there was some way to get away from this. How can one escape themselves?
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(To be used with the chords g, d, am, c on guitar.. and a melody i cannot write and therefore must remember in my head and make up .. improv. After all, that's how I got these words.)
"after you've gone and left me here I知 just an empty shell.... and i don't know how to get back to the person i used to be... go on now, rearranging me into the girl you want me to be, molding me to fit your world. Fuck you. I don't need your pathetic attempts at chivalry, your pointless attacks of rivalry. Poke your knife a little bit deeper into my flesh can you hear it now, hear it now. I知 breaking up, shaking up, and I can't go back now.... I can't go back now. I知 a little bit too caught up, wrapped up in your psychotic love...so take me now, take me now"
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"hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk with you again...."
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I continue to cough. My throat is not sore. I do not understand my coughing.
This morning while I was napping I bit my tongue hard. My tongue bled a bit but it was alright.
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We still wander. We consider ourselves to be incredibly engrained in society. Instead we wander. The wilderness is an illusion. The world is an illusion. We cannot distance ourselves from the world, even if we must.
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Even if perchance I stop wanting to know Mr. Glover, his work will continue to be genius. His music is beyond comparison, poetry woven throughout it. It will continue to interest me.
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I finished Bartleby, The Scrivener. It was a wonderful story. I look forward to reading more of Melville's works. I have broken into a sweat it seems. I continue holding back tears. The tears are willing themselves on me. I continue to search.
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I wonder if I will receive an A on my memoir. Again it is Tuesday. The weeks seem to coincide with one another. I wish I could break the mold I seem to have confined myself to. Writing, writing. Always writing. Always thinking. I wonder what it would be like to not think. I wonder what it would be like to discontinue thought. At times it is what I wish for. All that I wish for. Would I be happy like that?
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He walked down the stairs in front of me, his big feet balanced on the stairs.
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"God might be, as the church said, a substance, but he could not be a person." -Henry Adams
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My own private hell. We make it. I do, others do. I wish they didn't ridicule me, although I can see their points. Are they right? Am I crazy? I often think of this.
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Can I no longer force myself to smile? Have I reached this point? It is unthinkable.
The lines remind me of waves. The waves remind me of oceans, which reminds me of Florida, which reminds me of him. I wish I could go back. I wish it had not happened, that I was not still bothered by it. This too will pass. Pass reminds me of someone who thinks I'm clingy. Am I clingy? Yes at times. I despise that about myself. I seem to be clingy when someone does not return my affections. Perhaps I am just selfish, craving attention. It's strange. If it is given, I want no part in it anymore. None of the relationships I am carrying on could last. They are all doomed, all unable to sustain life. Sexual endeavors, affections go unreturned.
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Maya is a wonderful name. I wonder if I will ever have children. At times I cannot imagine being married, having children, living a normal fucking life.
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Cancelled football. Temporarily delayed until further notice because Katie is going to have to be home - her mom leaves tomorrow. Plus it is pretty fucking cloudy outside. I wonder if we will play at all.
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I'm wearing polyester today. It's quite warm. However, outside it is not warm. They said it would be in the 50s or 60s today, temperature wise. Weather... The clouds are blanketing the skies. Interesting how my mind changes. I either think of it as blanketing or soiling.
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The guy behind me is gone today. I'm glad. He's quite annoying. He has a huge ego, and continues to talk nonstop about how smart he is. If he was truly smart, he'd shut up.
I wish my head would stop hurting. I think I will go home and sleep a bit. It's only 2:10? It seems as though I have been in this classroom for a very long time. I wish this class would end.
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So many people buy American Eagle, Abercrombie, Gap, etc. That is all they seem to wear. I can get four things for a dollar. I wonder if the people who shop at those stores in the mall would find things at the wardrobe gross? I wonder if they would wear things from there.
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I wish Bartleby had not ended. Soon enough the movie will be out. February. It is nearly the end of December. I hope January flies by. I wish I could have someone for Valentines Day, even though I find it to be a ridiculous holiday. I suppose it won't be that bad. After all... I have never had one person to be with on Valentines Day. I am sure there are girls out there who always have someone. In a way I am glad I don't. After all, being alone means I can focus more on other things, like my friends. I'm lucky to have people like them. I'm so glad I have my guitar as well.
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I have decided I have made relationships too complicated. Like one person, don't get upset over things... there was a quote I heard once. "Don't sweat the small stuff. There is no big stuff." I do not know who said it. It is something to think of.
I am incredibly tired. 15 minutes until we get out. I hope I can stay awake. I feel rude asking people to hang out sometimes. That's crazy.. Unfortunately my mind is complicated in that way. I do not know what I think. My mind should stop thinking stupid thoughts.
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People wonder why I'm paranoid. People keep talking about me. Goodness. They do not seem to understand. I wish they would but it's obvious they will never understand. I wish I wasn't such a pathetic person.
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I wore my yellow sweater today. It's very warm. Bright, too. I probably look horrid in it, but have never had anything yellow. This was only a dollar and I like it, even if it is ugly.
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It rained incredibly hard last night. Hailed, too. The sky was a pinkish color this morning. My father said if it is that color of pink or a little greenish (how the sky can be green is a mystery to me) it will bring bad weather. I suppose the rain and such isn't over yet. It is warm out. Humid, even. I hate humidity. I hope it does hail again. It sounded like the world was ending when I woke up last night. I woke up thinking the world was ending and then went back to sleep. I figured if I was going to die, I should do it asleep. More peaceful that way.
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At times I wish so badly I could be skinny. It is a shallow thought. I wish I didn't have it. It is an important thought somehow for me, but aggravating. I wonder if I will ever be skinny.
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I have complete confidence in our abilities.
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Teasing seems to be an important thing in high school. I don't really understand it. I suppose the element of bringing another down somehow lifts others up. Humans as a species really are quite brutes at times. I try not to tease others too much but at times I do it as well. I wish I was not human. I don't know what I'd want to be. Nothing, perhaps. A particle of dust.
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I have taken up the saying "I prefer not to"...because it's true. Often I don't want to do anything at all but write my thoughts, listen to my music, make music.
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It's raining again. Really hard. I wonder if it will hail. I hate when it rains and I have a voice lesson. Last time I broke my favorite pair of sandals. It stopped raining. I'm glad... but not in another way. I wish it would continue. It was a sort of thunderstorm, which presents some element of danger I am drawn to.
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15 minutes of 6th hour left. Then I must endure 7th hour. If only there was a 7th hour that I enjoyed. The sun came out. I don't feel like it being sunny or seeing the sun at this current moment. I have no real reasons. I simply don't feel like it.
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In the past few days I have found two pens on the ground. Both are blue ink. The top of one is now cracked. It was a nice pen, but so is this one. I enjoy finding things and reusing them. I also enjoy finding pennies and pieces of colored or translucent glass. Plastic is also interesting. I wish I was a piece of plastic. Then I would e beautiful. No one else finds plastic beautiful. I am used to being the only one.
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Sometimes I wonder if wood is in pain. It comes from a tree..which is killed. I wonder if it hurts the trees. Is there such a thing as karma? Is killing a tree a sin? We use wood for decoration.... beauty. I wonder if that affects karma. I hope wood does not feel pain. I wonder if they have feeling at all. If they do, would they rather be in the woods than concreted into a street? I suppose it's dumb to think of... if I was a tree and I actually could feel I doubt if I'd like humans much. We have destroyed so much. People say we have created so much and preserved so much as well, but things would be more preserved if we had never come along.
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I wish I were a philosopher. I really don't label myself as one. I hate labels. I don't think we can really escape labels, which is a real shame.
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The sky is beautiful... a shocking bluish color. We are never satisfied with what we have, always looking for something else. We are all working for a distant time - we all have our goals. Why are we so interested in the future? What if it never comes? Death eventually comes to all of us. Who is to say when?
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I wish to run. I wish I could go somewhere. People criticize others... dreamers are looked upon as ungrounded in reality. Who wants to be grounded in reality?
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I wish I could listen to some Simon and Garfunkel again.
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I don't want society to continue changing. After all, I don't know what the world will come to. I wish sometimes to live in solitude and wonder if I would go crazy that way. I wonder if it is possible to live like that, as a hermit. I think how wonderful it would be to wake up with no real agenda... wonder what I'll do...go out, sit on a rock and observe and write, play my guitar, go fishing awhile perhaps, pick some berries and plant a few things - for dinner I'd make a salad and have some berries, watch the sunset. I'd be content... reading books, thinking of ideas. I wonder if it would be lonely. I have lived most of my life alone. I do not think if I was to have to be on my own I would dislike it. When I was smaller I remember playing with clay more than plastic, weeds more than dolls. I discovered so much about the woods, nature, life. It is what shaped me. The world never ceases to amaze me. Even dirt... I think about everything that comes from it.. what goes into it. Joints are incredible. Sometimes I feel I could sit for a good twenty minutes or more watching the way my fingers bend. The very top part bends, the middle where the knuckle is bends (knuckle is a funny word) and where it attached to the hand bends. I can see the joints move if I look closely. Hands are amazing things. The intricate veins... the palm... are incredible. All those minute lines. I wonder how they get there. I love the way my hands look covered in water. Shining... eyes are amazing as well. At times i wish i could look at my own or someone else's forever. I can get lost in them, as if there is some entire universe in them. I wonder if that is possible. Maybe that is what this universe is... we can't be the only life form out there. Sometimes in the ocean, crustaceans live on the backs of whales. Perhaps that is similar to us... and we are microscopic beings on a bigger being. I like to think of the planet as alive. Humans classify things... make up too many scientific reasons. Sometimes things cannot be explained like that.
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It interests me that we keep hair on our heads at all. It is simply dead debris clinging to our scalps. Dead things are considered beautiful. Death is beautiful, life is beautiful. Beauty can be extracted from everything.
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Racing around our hair is flying, frizzing, sweat pooling above my upper lip. Laughter mixing excitement, adrenaline, sugar high oblivion.
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I can write observations. Thoughts come faster than I can record them. Words come faster than I can speak them. I don't know this is - this obsession to write. I often question where it came from. Heredity? Surely not, no one else I know writes this much.
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I was thinking that is Gabe is a reincarnation - maybe his name was Gabe in the last life and that is what he looked like in the last life. Who's to say what he looks like or what his name is now? I'm sure that someday if it's meant to be, if there is such a thing as fate, that I'll find him or he'll find me.
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The city seems to continue forever... like you could get lost in it. On and on and on it goes. I wish I was out there. The clouds are grayish pink. I look at it.... drifting drifting drifting. In the corner the algae filled fishtank bubbles constantly, air bubbling to the surface of the water where the bubbles burst. On the other side of the room the top part of a poster sticks up. It reads "Fungi". FUNGI. It's a beautiful word. There is a frog on a bulletin board- a picture. It's brown.
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I wish I could sleep now. When I ran by today he commented something along the lines of "slow down" ... more eloquently stated. It wasn't to me. It was to his friends...or the air. I was chasing Katie and Lindsay.. taking hostage of her bear on a stick. What a funny idea - bear on a stick. Like soap on a rope - "to get to those hard to reach places" we used to joke of that.
How can you like someone who annoys you? I wish I was not annoyed by him, but I think I annoy him as well. (not about JM...)
Oh... I remember what he said.. I lost it again... right got it. "You all (or was it 'some people'?) need to settle down (or was it 'calm down'?) Ah not that it matters much. The clouds have moved.
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Sometimes I get so tired of this routine. So incredibly tired of it...
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"When you're weary.. feeling small...when tears are in your eyes I will dry them all... I'm on your side when times get rough and friends just can't be found like a bridge over troubled water... I will lay me down... when you're down and out, when you're on the street... when evening falls so hard I will comfort you...I'll take your part when darkness comes and pain is all around ...like a bridge over troubled water I will lay me down........ sail on silver girl.. sail on by.... your time has come to shine all your dreams are on their way... see how they shine... if you need a friend... I'm sailing right behind like a bridge over troubled water I will ease your mind...." - Simon and Garfunkel
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I feel so fucking stupid. I totally misjudged someone. I wish I hadn't. I wish that I didn't do things like this.
I stare up at the stars, watching the smoke drift by, trying to learn how to form smoke doughnuts. It doesn't work, puffs of smoke billow out. I look for the clouds but there are none. The ground is icy, chilling my back. I try to sing another Pink Floyd song. Try to remember, but nothing comes. My eyes get heavier, and I wish there was some reason for me to stay awake. The cold bites at me, gnawing at my veins. Tense muscles outstretched, I shiver. "the sound of silence........" but it's anything but silent. The street lamp buzzes. "and I have become...comfortably numb..." I hum to myself. It changes pitch. I frown to myself and curse him under my breath, swearing that this is definitely the last straw. We're walking down the sidewalk and I kick at the scattered pinecones. "there's no good excuse," I fume at them, pulling my hood closed under my neck. "I had an excuse. I had a good excuse." They nod, and my ranting continues, shrining smoke into the cold dry air.
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I'm tired of relationships that end, that are one sided, unbalanced in some way. I'm tired of not belonging, to belonging to this society.
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"and you said... everything changes, just look at the clouds in the sky, constantly changing, look at the grass, growing, dying, everyday...........and as I walked away from you down the narrow hollow streets you cried ...why are you leaving, why do you leave me here all alone, and I looked over my shoulder and said .......everything changes, just look at the clouds in the sky, constantly changing, the grass in the ground is growing, dying, every day..... so I hope you'll remember me when I'm gone... for nothing lasts forever.... no nothing lasts forever because...everything is changing, just look at the clouds in the sky.....everything changes day to day... this is not the end, I know we'll look back on this someday and laugh, no this is not the end of eternity......because everything is changing..." (my newest song...which needs some work..)
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Somehow I don't know what I am doing. I don't know what I am doing with my life, where everything fits in. Sometimes I think back to how we were. I wonder what you are doing... if you ever think back to the way we talked. "Papilllon...." I am still papillion, even without you. "Humans are butterflies" you said, when I said I wanted to fly away. "Look to the stars", you said when I missed you. Now the air is silent. No words of wisdom come. I whisper your name hoarsely to the sky but it doesn't help. No answer. So I watch the butterfly's wings beating in the air... and I realize now that butterflies, too, can fall.
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I'm so tired of meeting new people, of hearing new voices, memorizing new facts.... so tired of this circle...endless circle...of meeting new people, new acquaintances.
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Do I want you? Do I not? You asked me where I want this to go. Do I honestly have an answer for that? Not in the slightest. I've been thinking about it constantly, questioning what I want, and I can honestly say I don't know. The only consolation I can offer to anyone is that what happens happens. Like kisses, relationships are better left unplanned. If you plan things... they end up backfiring.
I think I should run outside barefoot in the snow...alright I did. Kicked up snow, jumped into a pile of snow, fell down, spun around... now my feet are tingling. I love new experiences.
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I'm so sick of people sometimes. I wish I could just go away to somewhere. I wonder where home is at all, if it even exists. I'm so sick of being here. Sometimes I wish I could just get on a bus or something, not know where it was going, just board the bus and go there, wherever it was going. I stay here without even knowing why... no purpose for being here. Is there any purpose for me being here at all? I'm aching... so full of this indescribable pain that fills me up every day. You used to say I was amazing, but if I was so amazing, where are you now? Why would you leave me all alone here? You went on, leaving me here with nothing. I wish I was something. Instead I'm nothing. I wonder if you know what that's like? We never talk anymore. There was a commercial or something for Germany on the other day ... I know you aren't there, but sometimes it feels like you are. Whatever happened to my sunshine?
People fade in and out of life like balloons full of helium.. there's no definite pattern they take. Miraculous people are filled with helium... just floating about this world until they pop... leaving a shell of themselves, just the memories... The world kills people...the beautiful people, all gone... Beneath their layers of insecurities.
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God knows I'll need vodka tonight to even sleep. Our stockings were filled to bursting point, with candy and nuts, an orange, various toys... our eyes were shining, filled with excitement as we ran down the steps... but it wasn't the same. The excitement wasn't there... it was just another day. I feel like I'm sinking deeper in and there's no real way to stop this. The clock is ticking away; I can hear it in my ears. It's one day I didn't help anyone, one more day I was simply wasting space. One more wasted day. I need to get away from routine. If I asked you tonight, would you run away with me or would you stay and continue the insanity?
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There seem to be more empty words, promises, things... as the days go by. I want to rid myself of all these material things. There are so many material possessions cluttering life. Perhaps if we could escape from the material things would be better. I don't think things work out the way we expect them to. That would be too easy. Instead they work out in a way we would have never expected. I dream of the strangest things....and yet they remain dreams. Everything is simply a dream. I wish to someday get away from this world of empty dreams...
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