::::P:o:e:t:r:y::::

::::L:y:r:i:c:s::::

::::O:t:h:e:r:::W:o:r:d:s::::

::::B:a:c:k:::T:o:::J:u:s:t:::W:o:r:d:s::::

::::H:o:m:e::::

*

*

*

18th april 2003 How sad, i actually had to check the clandar to see what the date was. I feel pretty bad tonight, i dont know why. I hate being like this because its destructive to the people i love. i dont know why i sporadically sink into these phases of depression whre i feel scared and alone and not really here but at the same time painfully aware of the fact im here.
claire helps me so much altho she doesnt realise, her telling me she loves me reminds me i do have something to live for, that there is sum1 who will help and b there always.
i feel guilty at danny's innocnece to this part of me, he knows the nice side of me, and im worried he will b horribly confused by me being like this. i dont believe deep down that he would walk away because of it but i hate him feeling like i dont care, because hes a genuine friend, my only genuine friend apart from claire, and i value this a lot.
i dont know whats wrong with my head, i dont know why im incapable of making/keeping friends, i dont know why i have scary dreams that feel real n leave me unable to close my eyes, i dont know why i see hear n feel things other ppl dont. but i know claire loves me n that makes everything diferent.

i seriously dont care what happens anymore cuz whatever happens it always ends up like this, always.
im just yucky now. this morning id just had enuf of everything then this afternoon i was really pissed off and now i just feel kinda fragile like if one more thing goes wrong im just gona curl up in a ball n start crying again.
t just feel like everything is caving in on me, ive just had enough of everything going wrong. people keep telling me life will get better, what if it doesnt, what if it stays this bad or gets worse until ieventually kill myself wondering y i didnt do it earlier

::::M:y:: J:o:u:r:n:a:l::::

Pyscological Report. 6th September.
Harmony L Everby

Sarah has avoided close relationsships in the past and has severe doubts about her abilities. She reads hidden meanings in everything and will hold grudges for a long period of time. Sarah does not trust other people at all and believes they have bad intentions.
She will seem cold and distant to others and is suspicious about the feelings of her family and friends. This reveals Sarah has very high Paranoia Disorder.
Sarahs speech is confusing and elborate at times.
She seems to have trouble concentrating and has gererally unconventional behaviour.
she believes she has a high form of senses maybe even a '6th sense' and that she sees and hears things others dont.
she has an odd way of seeing things and thinking, and seems to seek isolation from others.She genuinely prefers to be alone and does not wish for popularity. Her social skills are often weak and she shows no need for attention or acceptance.
This reveals very high Schizotypal disoder and mild schizophrenia.
Sarah feels helpless, depressed and has a desire to be looked after.
She is clingy to people she is close to and feras losing them. She will remain in bad relationships because of this. She doesnt like making decisions.She is very sensitive, especially to critism. A bad break out could make her suicidal.
This reveals very high Dependancy Disorder.
Sarah is frequently depressed and has low confidence.
She will avoid being sociable due to feeling inaduquate and fearing rejection. She will cretae worst scene scenarios of a situation and therefore avoid it. She may long for social situations but feels incapable of achieveing them.
Sarah has high Avoidancy Disorder and a high level of antisocial tendancies.
Sarah has a need for orderliness and perfection. she may have good ideas but be so picky she is disatisfied with the results. she sets unreasonably high standards for herself and becomes very critical when she cant achieve them. She avoids teamwork making decisions. She has difficulty expressing emotion.
This reveals high Compulsive Obssesive Disorder.
I have confirmed that Sarah's main disorder is Borderline Personality Disorder, which she has a very high form of.
She has a very low opinion of her self. She is prone to mood swings and bouts of anger that will seem unreasonable to others. She will take this anger out on her self, often with self harm and genuine thoughts of suicide. Her moods are instable and she will form intense, conflict-ridden relationships.
She feels bad things and good things intensely, and very rarely feels impassionate about anything.
People with Borderline often go unnoticed because they dont do anything obvious to show they have mental problems, but unfortunatly, I would advise extensive pysoclogical help in this case.