Marty Fields’ Takeaway Jokes… Short Jokes and One-Liners for all Occasions

My girlfriend came into the bedroom and said, ‘Do these jeans make me look fat ?’

I said, ‘No, it’s your big butt that makes you look fat, stop blaming the jeans !’

You know one thing that will really make a woman mad ? Just run up behind her and kick her in the butt. (This works pretty well with men, too).

Very few bank robbers are mothers. They’re just not cut out for the job. It’s like, ‘All right, this is a hold up, everyone get on the floor…! No wait, get up. You’ll get dirty.’

In medieval times, instead of burning a guy at the stake, maybe they should have tried burning him on stilts. It would have lasted longer, plus the show could have moved around through the crowd.

I used to date a dancer from the Rockettes. She was amazing. She could kick her own face in.

My house burned down. Ironically they traced the blaze to an electrical fault in the smoke alarm.

I saw on the news that the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Have you seen those signs that say, ‘No dogs allowed, except for seeing-eye dogs’ ? Who is that sign for ? The dog or the blind guy ?

There was a young poet called Mel,

Who used to write poems quite well.

The beginnings were nice,

The middles sufficed,

But when it came down to the last line, he could never quite get it to finish the way he wanted to.

If we evolved from apes and monkeys, how come there are still apes and monkeys around ? Maybe they’re the stupid ones. Maybe when the guy came round saying, ‘Okay, who wants to evolve ?’, they said, ‘Nah, we’re just going to sit here and chew our lips and scratch our butts.’ So that’s why we’re riding around in cabs and using laptop computers, and they’ve got big fat lips and red butts.

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals – I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.

If you walked up to someone in the Mall and said, ‘Tag – you’re it !’, I wonder how far it would spread ?

I think if you’ve got cable TV, and all you do all day is watch the Discovery Channel, you’re never gonna get lucky. Because if a girl says something to you like, ‘My, you’re looking handsome tonight’, all you’ll be able to think of to say is stuff like, ‘Did you know Hitler was ticklish ?’

I was looking out the window of an aeroplane when a parachutist came past the window. He said, ‘Would you like to join me?’

I said, ‘No thanks, I’m safer in here.’

He said, ‘I doubt it. I’m the pilot.’

‘Mummy,’ said the child, ‘do you know how much toothpaste is in the tube ?’

‘No dear,’ she said, ‘I don’t.’

‘Well I’ll tell you,’ said the child. ‘It stretches all the way from the bathroom to the sofa.’

Here’s a good trick. Get a job as an Olympic judge. Then when someone breaks a record, pretend you didn’t see it and say, ‘Okay, is everyone ready to start now ?’

I said to the guy at the fast food restaurant, ‘I want a hamburger that drips sauce all down my arm, with raw meat, soggy lettuce, and onions that fall out and stick to my shirt.’

‘Sir,’ said the appalled cashier, ‘I can’t give you one of those !’

‘Why not ?’ I demanded. ‘You did last time !’

I don’t like Irish coffee. Whiskey in your coffee doesn’t make sense. Coffee is a stimulant. Alcohol is a depressant. One cup and I’m up all night, crying.

I was watching a show on TV about dinosaurs, and I learned a lot about them. Apparently, they’re purple, hang out with kids, and sing songs about mathematics.

A kid came downstairs at eleven o’clock at night and asked his father for a glass of water.

‘That’s your eighth glass of water this hour !’ the father cried in exasperation. ‘You can’t possibly be that thirsty.’

‘I’m not,’ said the kid. ‘My room’s on fire.’

I used to be a bouncer at a nightclub. Once I went for a job as a prison guard. The warden said to me, ‘This is no nightclub, buddy. This is a prison. You’ll be dealing with bad types in here. Robbers, murderers, psychopaths… Can you handle them?’

I said, ‘Any trouble and out they go.’

Sometimes I don’t like our language. For example, whose cruel idea was it to put an ‘s’ in the word ‘lisp’ ?

I was dating a girl for two years. Then the nagging started: ‘I wanna know your name, I wanna know where you live…’

What do you get if you cross a Jehovah’s Witness and a Satanist ?

A guy who knocks on your door and tells you to get lost !

Those people on Gilligan’s Island are really weird. They could make huts out of palm leaves, a bike out of bamboo, and a nuclear reactor out of a coconut, yet they couldn’t fix a three-foot hole in a boat.

All the diets I’ve ever been on have one thing in common: If it tastes good, spit it out !

Medical costs are huge these days. I’ve heard that all men are born free, but nobody seems to have told the private maternity hospital.

I rang an insurance broker to insure my house. ‘Can I do it over the phone ?’ I asked.

‘Sorry sir,’ he said, ‘but I have to see the house first.’

I said, ‘Well you better get over here quick. The bloody place is on fire !’

I rang up the weather bureau to complain. I said, ‘I’m calling to let you know that I’ve just mopped up ten inches of “partly cloudy” from my hallway.’

I love borrowing money from pessimists because they never expect to get it back.

It’s funny that the generation who grew up in the 60s called themselves ‘the generation that would change the world’. Now they’re the generation who can’t even change the clock on the VCR.

I was driving the wrong way down a one-way street. A cop pulled me over and said, ‘Just where do you think you’re going?’

I said, ‘I dunno, but it can’t be any good – they’re all coming back.’

I remember when I was in the army and we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He’d get right up next to your face and yell, and mister, you’d better have the right answers, or you’d be peeling potatoes and washing out latrines all day. Wait a minute… I wasn’t in the army ! Who was that guy ??