Lists and Stuff

A compilation of lists and other funny stuff from around the net… A collection of the web’s funniest.

Things We Would Never Know Without the Movies

• During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once
• When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other
• If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of year
• All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man beside her.
• The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective, or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
• All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
• It’s easy to land a plane providing that there is someone to talk you through it.
• The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
• Police departments and government agencies give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.
• The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
• All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so that you know exactly when they are going to go off
• If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammo, even if you haven’t been carrying any before now
• You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart or your family back home.
• Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language – a German accent will do.
• If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist industry or his forthcoming art exhibition.
• A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds
• When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
• Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen late at night, just open the fridge door and use that light instead
• If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate all noises in their most revealing underwear
• Mothers routinely cook bacon, eggs, and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children don’t have time to eat it
• Cars that crash will almost always burst into flame.
• All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
• A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.
• Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
• Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
• It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
• Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments
• It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting
• A detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty
• It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will patiently attack you one-by-one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
• When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they never suffer concussion or brain damage.
• No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption, alien invasion, or any other type of horribly traumatic event, will ever go into shock.
• Once applied, lipstick will never rub off.
• You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
• Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds – unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child or cute fluffy animal trapped inside.
• Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it’s aired.
• Large, loft-style apartments are in the price range of most people… employed or not
• When defusing a bomb, don’t stress about what wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
• Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override any communication system of an invading alien.
• When you turn out the light to go to bed, you will not be plunged into complete darkness. Your room will just take on a bluish tinge
• If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone who crosses your path will know all the steps

Actual English Subtitles from Hong Kong Movies

• ‘I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.’
• ‘Damn, I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken !’
• ‘Take my advice, or I’ll spank you without pants.’
• ‘You daring lousy guy.’
• ‘Beat him out of recognizable shape !’
• ‘This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum ! I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the desert flour for your aunts to eat !’
• ‘Take my advice or I’ll spank you without pants !’
• ‘Who gave you the nerve to get killed out here ?’
• ‘I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out !’
• ‘Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.’

Actual Tee-Shirt Slogans

• Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up
• Procrastinate now
• Finally 21, an legally able to do everything I’ve been doing since 15
• West Virginia: One million people, and 15 last names
• They call it ‘PMS’ because ‘Mad Cow Disease’ was already taken
• Heck is where people go when they don’t believe in Gosh
• Ham and Eggs – a day’s work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig
• A shirt with a Harley Davidson logo on the front. The back says: If you can read this, the b*tch fell off !
• My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
• BOMB SQUAD: If you see me running, try to keep up !
• All men are idiots, and I married their king !
• Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult
• She who must be obeyed
• I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted a pay check
• What if the Hokey Pokey is really what it’s all about ?
• Does it scare you that you are looking for wisdom on a T-shirt ?
• If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done
• Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.
• I’m awake – what more do you want ?
• A good thing about Alzheimer’s, is you get to meet new people every day
• If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen
• Don’t treat me any differently than you would the Queen
• Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes… there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy
• I don’t know what I want, but I do know I don’t have it
• Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
• There is always one more imbecile than you counted on
• I don’t know what your problem is, but I bet it’s hard to pronounce
• I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me
• The screw-up fairy has visited us again
• When in doubt, tell the truth
• Don’t be old until you have lived !
• I’m busy. You’re ugly. Have a nice day.
• I have an attitude, and I’m not afraid to use it
• Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
• Do not start with me. You will not win.
• I don’t believe in miracles, I rely on them
• I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people
• Sorry if I look interested. I’m not.
• I am not a bitch, I am the bitch, and to you, I am Miss bitch.
• So many men, so few who can afford me

Beer Bottle Health Warnings

Due to increasing product liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, and more handsome than some really, really big guy named Franz
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

Brilliant Bumper Stickers

o We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

o Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. – Dorothy

o Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

o The more people I meet, the more I like my dog

o When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS

o Few women admit their age, few men act theirs

o Be nice to your kids. They choose your nursing home

o If we quit voting, will they all go away ?

o Honk if anything falls off

o He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next Exit

o If you don’t like the way I drive, GET OFF THE SIDEWALK !!!!!

o Vegetarians don’t love animals. They just really hate plants.

o I’m only b*tchy on the days that end in y.

o I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck up my nose

o I love work – I could watch it for hours

o This car will explode upon impact

o Mafia company car

o Procrastinate now !

o Heck is where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh

o If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother

o What doesn’t kill you is probably going to hurt a lot

o This car is like my husband – if it ain’t yours, don’t touch it !

o If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished

o Psychic wanted – you know where to apply

o Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm

o You’re just jealous because the voices will only talk to me

o I know what you’re thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself

o I break for fairies, elves, gnomes, the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny, Santa, and other little creatures only I can see

o The gene pool could use a little chlorine

o I don’t suffer from insanity – I enjoy every minute of it !

o A day without sunshine is like… night

o Borrow from a pessimist – they won’t expect it back

o Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it

o If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving isn’t for you

o I used to have a handle on life, but it broke

o I have PMS and a handgun. Any questions ?

o If you can’t dazzle ‘em with brilliance, baffle ‘em with bulls#!t !

o The Earth is full. Go home.

o The face is familiar, but I can’t quite remember my name

o It’s been lovely but I have to scream now

o Heart attacks… God’s revenge for eating His animal friends

o Saw it… Wanted it… Threw a tantrum… Got it !

o My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips

o Gravity. It’s not just a good idea. It’s the Law.

o If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat ?

o Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, might be happy.

Children’s Books you will never see

• You Were an Accident
• The Little Sister who Snitched
• Kathy was so Bad, Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
• The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild Animals from North Amer – Hey! Let’s Go Ride our Bikes !
• Why Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet can never be friends
• Daddy Drinks Because you Cry
• You are Different, and that’s Bad
• Dad’s new Wife, Timothy
• Things Rich Kids Have, but You never Will
• Controlling the playground: Respect through fear
• The little sister who snitched
• The nutritional benefits of things from your nose
• Uncle Marilyn Manson’s Bedtime Story Treasury
• Make Homemade Parachutes
• The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
• The Man in the Moon is Evil
• Your Nightmares are Real
• Places Mummy and Daddy Hide Really Neat Things

Real-life courtroom bloopers

o ‘Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning ?’

o ‘The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he ?’

o ‘Were you present when your picture was taken ?’

o ‘Were you alone or by yourself ?’

o ‘Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war ?’

o ‘Did he kill you ?’

o ‘How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision ?’

o ‘You were there until the time you left, is that true ?’

o ‘How many times have you committed suicide ?’

o Lawyer: ‘So the date of the baby’s conception was August 8^th ?

Testifier: ‘Yes.’

Lawyer: ‘And what were you doing at the time ?’

• Lawyer: ‘She had three children, right ?’

Testifier: ‘Yes.’

Lawyer: ‘How many were boys ?’

Testifier: ‘None.’

Lawyer: ‘Were there any girls ?’

• Lawyer: ‘You say the stairs went down to the basement ?’

Testifier: ‘Yes.’

Lawyer: ‘And these stairs, do they go up also ?’

• Lawyer: ‘Mr Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you ?’

Testifier: ‘I went to Europe, sir.’

Lawyer: ‘And you took your new wife ?’

• Lawyer: ‘How was your first marriage terminated ?’

Testifier: ‘By death.’

Lawyer: ‘And by who’s death was it terminated ?’

• Lawyer: ‘Can you describe the individual ?’

Witness: ‘He was about medium height, and he had a beard.’

Lawyer: ‘Was this a male, or a female ?’

• Lawyer: ‘All your responses must be oral, OK ? What school did you go to ?’

Testifier: ‘Oral.’

Famous Last Words

• ‘Don’t worry, it’s fireproof.’
• ‘He’s probably just hibernating.’
• ‘What does this button do ?’
• ‘The odds of that happening are a million to one !’
• ‘Pull the pin and count to what ?’
• ‘Which wire was I supposed to cut again ?’
• ‘I wonder where the mother bear is ?’
• ‘I’ve seen this done on TV.’
• ‘These are the good kind of mushrooms.’
• ‘I’ll hold it and you light the fuse.’
• ‘Sure it’s strong enough for the both of us.’
• ‘Hmm… This doesn’t taste right…’
• ‘I can make this light before it changes to red.’
• ‘Nice doggie.’
• ‘I can do this with my eyes closed.’
• ‘I’ve done this before.’
• ‘Duck ? Where ?’
• ‘Well, we’ve made it this far.’
• ‘Odd…’
• ‘Don’t be so superstitious…’
• ‘Now watch this…’
• ‘I’ll get a world record for this !’
• ‘Gee, that’s a cute tattoo !’

What not to say to a Cop when you’ve been pulled over…

• Wanna race to the station, Sparky ?
• Hey listen buddy – I pay your salary !
• Okay, I’ll give you my driver’s license… Can you just hold my beer while I get it out…?
• Aren’t you the guy from the Village People ?
• Wanna buy a cheap camcorder, no questions asked ? I’ve got fifty in the trunk.
• What do you mean, ‘Have I been drinking ?’ You’re the trained specialist !
• Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend’s nightstand.
• Yeah, I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
• Bad cop ! No donut !
• You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you ?

Actual Classified Ad Bloopers

• Dinner special – Turkey $2.35, Chicken or Beef $2.25, Children $2.00
• For Sale: An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers
• For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy
• Dog for Sale: Eats anything and is fond of children
• Lost: Small apricot poodle. Neutered, like one of the family
• Our experienced Mum will care for your child. Fully fenced yard, meals and smacks included

Actual Headline Errors

• Drunk gets nine months in violin case
• Iraqi head seeks arms
• Prostitute appeals to Pope
• Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
• Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
• Panda mating fails – veterinarian takes over
• Squad helps dog bite victim
• Juvenile Court to try shooting defendant
• Something went wrong in jet crash, Expert says
• Teachers Strike Idle Kids
• Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
• Stolen Painting Found by Tree
• Red Tape holds up New Bridges
• Astronaut takes blame for gas in spacecraft
• Kids make delicious snacks
• New vaccine may contain rabies
• Local high school dropouts cut in half
• Santa Rosa man denies that he committed suicide in South San Francisco
• Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
• Fish lurk in streams

If Men Got Pregnant…

• Maternity leave would last two years.... with full pay.
• There would be a cure for stretch marks.
• Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
• Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
• They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
• Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.

Actual Accident Reports Filed

• ‘Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.’
• ‘I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it.’
• ‘No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.’
• ‘The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.’
• ‘The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a little car with a big mouth.’
• ‘I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.’
• ‘I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.’
• ‘To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.’
• ‘The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.’
• ‘When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.’
• ‘I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.’
• ‘In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.’
• ‘The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.’
• ‘An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and then vanished.’
• ‘I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced over at my mother in law, and headed over the embankment.’
• ‘I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.’
• ‘’The other truck collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions…’
• ‘I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the windshield of my car.’
• Q. Could anything have been done to avoid the accident ? A. “I could have travelled by bus.’
• (following a motorist’s collision with a cow) Q. What warning was given by the other party ? A. Moo.

Real Product Warnings

• On a bottle of dog shampoo: CAUTION: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish
• On a curling iron: For external use only
• On a curling iron: WARNING: This product can burn eyes
• On a hair dryer: Do not use in the shower
• On a hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping
• On an electric rotary tool: Not intended for use as a dental drill
• On a small wheelbarrow: Not intended for highway use
• On a Holmes Bathroom Heater: Not to be used in bathrooms
• On a coffee cup: CAUTION: Hot beverages are hot.
• On a butcher knife: Please keep out of children
• In the manual for a microwave oven: WARNING: Do not use for drying pets
• On a can of air freshener: For use by trained personnel only
• On a portable stroller: CAUTION: Remove infant before folding for storage
• On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only
• On the bottom of a box: Do not turn upside down
• On a hammer: May be harmful if swallowed
• In the manual for a computer: Do not throw mouse at co-workers
• On a packet of peanuts: WARNING: May contain traces of peanuts
• On a bottle of sleeping tablets: WARNING: May cause drowsiness
• On a box of rockets: Do not put in mouth
• On a television remote control: Not dishwasher safe

Fun Things to do in an Elevator (Particularly if it is crowded)

• Grimace painfully whilst smacking your forehead and muttering, ‘Shut up, all of you just shut up !!’
• Whistle the first seven notes of It’s a Small World incessantly
• Crack open your briefcase or purse, and whilst peering inside, ask, ‘Got enough air in there ?’
• Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down
• Lean over to another passenger and whisper, ‘Noogie patrol coming !’
• Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake, and ask them to call you Admiral.
• Do Tai Chi exercises
• Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, ‘I’ve got new socks on !’
• Bet the other passengers you can fit a tweny-cent coin up your nose
• Holler, ‘Chutes away !’ whenever the elevator descends.
• Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, ‘You’re one of them !’ and move to the far corner of the elevator, glaring at them evilly.
• Say ‘Ding !’ at each floor
• Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
• Announce in a demonic voice, ‘I must find a more suitable host body.’
• Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively
• Stare at your thumb before announcing loudly, ‘I think it’s getting bigger !’
• Set out a picnic on the floor and suggest that the other passengers join you for afternoon tea
• Suggest to the passengers that you all play a game of Twister. Then get out the board and lie it on the floor
• On entering, ask the passengers if they want to be your friend. Burst into tears loudly if they say no
• As you are coming to the end of the journey, get emotional and have a group hug. Tell the other passengers you’ll never forget them
• Pretend to be a flight attendant, and instruct the passengers on what to do in an emergency
• Sing ‘I know a song that will get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get, get, on your nerves’ over and over again
• Dress up in a long, black cloak with a hood, stare for a while, then in a deep voice, proclaim, ‘It is time !’
• Pretend to see a spider (or another such bug), and repeatedly and violently stomp on the floor, screaming, ‘Die, evil little @**hole, die !’
• If anybody brushes against you, recoil and shriek, ‘No touchie !’
• Make race car noises when anyone gets off
• Congratulate all for being in the same lift with you
• Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall ,without getting off
• Act surprised when the elevator starts to move and scream hysterically, ‘THE GROUND IS FALLING !!!!!!’
• Play the harmonica. Loud. Off key.

Fun Ways to Order a Pizza

• If using a touch tone phone, press random numbers whilst ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that
• Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal
• Terminate the call with, ‘Remember – we never had this conversation.’
• Tell the order-taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you’re going with the lowest bidder
• In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the trash about nutrition, and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful
• Do not name the toppings you want. Spell them out instead
• Stutter on the letter ‘p’
• Ask for a deal that is available somewhere else
• Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with your order, panic and become disoriented
• Tell the order taker you’re depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up
• Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, breathe a sigh of relief
• Gradually move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream, ‘GOODBYE !!!’ at the top of your lungs
• Ask to see the menu
• Belch directly into the mouthpiece, then tell your dog it should be ashamed
• Doze of in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, ‘Where was I ? And who are you ?’
• If he/she suggests something extra, adamantly declare, ‘I shall not be swayed by your sweet words !’
• Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs
• Start the conversation with, ‘My call to (name of pizza place here), Take 1 and… ACTION !’
• Ask if the pizza is organically grown
• When they repeat your order say, ‘Can you say that again – but with a little more oomph! this time !’
• Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, ‘No mushrooms please.’ Hang up before they have a chance to respond
• When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it a third time. On the next repetition following that, say in frustration, ‘You just don’t get it, do you ?’
• Dance all around the word ‘pizza.’ Avoid saying it at all costs. If the person taking your order says ‘pizza’, say, ‘Please don’t mention that word.’
• Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing really loudly in the background. Yell ‘Ow !’ when a bullet is fired
• If the person taking your order suggests a side dish, ask why he/she is punishing you
• Make up the name of an imaginary credit card. Ask if they accept it
• Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal
• Sing the order to the tune of your favourite song
• Say hello, act stunned for a few moments, then behave as if they called you
• Change your accent every sentence
• If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, ‘Okay, that’ll be $10.99, please pull up to the first window.’
• When they say, ‘What would you like ?’ or ‘How can I help you ?’ etc, respond with, ‘Huh ? Oh you mean now !’
• Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza
• Order a slice, not a whole pizza
• State your order and say that’s as far as the relationship is going to get
• Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it
• When they ask if that will be all, snicker and say, ‘We’ll find out, won’t we ?’

Fun Things to do in an Exam (WARNING: Only do the following if you do not mind failing your course and possibly being banned from your educational institution for life)

• Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Then wake up, say, ‘Oh geez, better get cracking’, and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early and walk out, singing.
• As soon as you are handed your exam, wave it in the air and run out of the room shouting, ‘Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents !’
• Make airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor’s left nostril.
• Talk the entire way through the exam. Read the questions out loud. Debate answers with yourself out loud, and so on. If asked to stop, yell, ‘Oh, I’m soooooooo sure you can hear me thinking !’ Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is
• Walk in, get the exam, and sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, ‘I don’t know any of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long ! What’s the deal ? And who the hell are you, anyway ? Where’s the regular guy ?’
• On the answer sheet (or booklet), find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. Example: ‘I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs.’ Be creative.
• Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Look at the instructor and breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor and say urgently, ‘They’ve found me – I have to leave the country !’ and run off.
• Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the paper into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out, ‘Merry Christmas !!!!!’ If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam, claiming that you didn’t seem to be given one.
• Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else
• As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
• Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about half an hour, put on a white mask and start yelling: ‘It is I! I’m here ! The phantom of the opera !’ until security drags you away.
• Try to get people in the room to do the Mexican wave.

Cartoon Law of Physics

1. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.
2. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter
3. The time required for an object to fall 20 stories down is always greater than/equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the edge to go down 20 flights in an attempt to capture it.
4. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
5. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls that are painted to resemble tunnels, whilst other bodies cannot.
6. Any violent rearrangement of the body’s matter is impermanent.
7. Everything falls faster than an anvil.
8. A sharp object will always propel a body upward upon contact.

Personal Ad Translations

• Adventurous: Has had more partners than you ever will.
• Artist: Unreliable
• Athletic: Flat chested
• Beautiful: Pathological liar
• Emotionally secure: With medication.
• Enjoys Art and Opera: Snob.
• Exotic beauty: Would frighten a Martian.
• Free spirit: An addict.
• Friendship first: Trying to live down reputation as a tart.
• Fun: Annoying.
• Open minded: Desperate.
• Professional: Cold-hearted bitch.
• Self-employed: Unemployed.
• Spiritual: Involved in a cult.
• Young at heart: Elderly pensioner.
• 40-ish: Almost 50
• Contagious smile: That’s not all that’s contagious
• Gentle: Bordering on comatose
• Poet: Depressive schizophrenic
• Educated: Will always treat you like an idiot
• Good looking: Full of him/herself

The World’s Biggest Lies

• ‘Of course I’ll respect you in the morning.’
• ‘But officer, I only had two beers.’
• ‘This won’t hurt a bit.’
• ‘I promise I won’t get angry.’
• ‘Eat this – you’ll like it.’
• ‘You don’t look a day over 40.’
• ‘Of course I love you.’
• ‘You have my word.’
• ‘I’ll call you.’
• ‘But we can still be friends.’
• ‘I’m so happy for you.’
• ‘It’s supposed to make that noise.’
• ‘Your hair looks just fine.’
• ‘One size fits all.’
• ‘The government will not raise taxes.’
• ‘The color suits you.’
• ‘It’s a very small zit – nobody will notice.’
• ‘She means nothing to me.’
• ‘You won’t find anyone cheaper.’
• ‘You must both come over again.’
• ‘The cheque is in the mail.’
• ‘Why – you don’t look a day over 40.’
• ‘We’ve had a lot of interest in this property.’
• ‘You don’t need it in writing, because you have my word.’
• ‘It was delicious, but I couldn’t eat another bite !’
• ‘Trust me.’
• ‘I’m on your side.’
• ‘Don’t worry about a thing. Fido will protect us.’
• ‘Fish are just as interesting as a dog.’
• ‘And they lived happily ever after.’
• ‘Try it. You’ll love it.’
• ‘If you study hard, I guarantee you’ll do well in this world.’
• ‘If you swallow a watermelon seed, you’ll grow a whole watermelon in your stomach.’
• ‘The reason he picks on you is because he likes you.’
• ‘Kids look better in uniforms.’
• ‘Sticks and stones will break your bones but names will never hurt you.’
• ‘This is for your own good.’
• ‘Of course I remember.’
• ‘The stork brought you.’

Men are like:

• Mascara – They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
• Parking spots – The good ones are always taken.
• Computers – Hard to figure out, with little memory.
• Lava lamps – Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
• Coolers – Load ’em with beer, and you can take ’em anywhere.
• Blenders – you need one, but your not quite sure why
• Place mats – they only show up when there’s food on the table
• Horoscopes – they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong

Why Guys Like Being Guys

o People never glance at your chest when you’re trying to talk to them.

o You can wear the same pair of pants for a week.

o Phone calls are usually over in 30 seconds flat.

o Facial hair can be considered attractive.

o If another guy shows up in the same outfit, you become mates.

o A weekend vacation requires only one suitcase.

o You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

o You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

o You can take your shirt off on a hot day.

o You can sit with your knees apart.

o Wedding plans pretty much take care of themselves

o Three pairs of shoes are more than enough

Why Girls Like Being Girls

• You never have to buy your own drink
• You can get out of speeding tickets by crying
• You don’t have to worry about going bald (well, not usually)
• You get gifts all the time coz men always stuff up
• You can give a look that makes any man duck for cover
• You don’t need an excuse to be in a bad mood
• You never run out of excuses
• We got off the Titanic first
• We don’t look like a frog in a blender when we dance
• We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves
• If we forget to shave, no one has to know
• Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether we have spinach in our teeth

Life’s Little Mysteries

• If you choked a Smurf, what color would it turn ?
• How can you tell if you’ve run out of invisible ink ?
• If practice makes perfect, but nobody is perfect, why practice ?
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice ?
• If Barbie is so popular, how come you have to buy all her friends ?
• What is a free gift ? Aren’t all gifts free ?
• Why do they sterilize the needles for fatal injections ?
• Why did God give men nipples ?
• How come superglue doesn’t stick to the tube ?
• Is there a speed of dark ?
• Why can’t they make the whole airplane out of the same material as the indestructible black box ?
• How do ‘Don’t Walk on the Grass’ signs get there ?
• Who closes the door after the bus driver gets off the bus ?
• Isn’t it a little worrying that doctors call treating patients their ‘practice’ ?
• What do you call a female Daddy Long Legs ?
• Why are softballs hard ?
• Why do toasters always have a setting that burns toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human would eat
• Why is it that lemon juice is made with artificial flavoring, yet lemon dishwashing liquid is made from real lemons ?
• If you stole a pen from a bank would it still be considered a bank robbery ?
• Why is it that cargo is transported by a ship but a shipment is transported by a car ?
• Why are boxing rings square ?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread ?
• What came first, the orange fruit or the orange color ?
• Why is the person who handles your money called a broker ?
• Why do we leave expensive cars in the driveway, yet keep our worthless junk in the garage ?
• If a Man is talking in the forest, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong ?
• If you’re in hell, and you’re mad at someone, where do you tell them to go ?
• Why is it that Donald Duck wears a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn’t wear any pants ?
• What should one call a male ladybug ?
• Did Adam and Eve have navels ?
• Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks ?
• How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him ?
• If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they still working ?
• If a chronic liar tells you he/she is a chronic liar, do you believe him/her ?
• If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes ?
• If someone has an identity crisis whilst playing hide-and-seek, does he automatically lose because he can’t find himself
• If cops arrest a mime, do they still have to tell him that he has the right to remain silent ?
• If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently ?
• If you keep trying to prove Murphy’s Law, will something keep going wrong ??
• What color does a chameleon on a mirror turn ?
• What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man ?
• What is another word for ‘thesaurus’ ?
• Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing ?
• Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio ?
• If you work at the Coke factory, and you drink Pepsi, will they fire you ?
• How come when you go in the front door of a church, you are at the back of a church, but if you go in the back door, you end up at the front of the church ?
• If you’re named Will, and you’re in the army, do you ever get worried when people say, ‘Fire at will !’
• Why is there an ‘L’ in ‘Noel’ ?
• Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo ?
• If your plan is to have no plan, do you have a plan ?
• If a police car, an ambulance, and a fire truck are all at an intersection, who has the right of away ?
• Do judges and lawyers do jury duty ?
• When a male is elected president, his wife is called the First Lady. What would a lady’s husband be called, if the former were to be elected president ?
• Have you ever thought what life would be like if your name was Anonymous ? You’d get credit for everything nobody wanted credit for !
• How do you handcuff a one-armed man ?
• If you decide that you are indecisive, which one are you ?
• If you tell someone that they are being judgmental, aren’t you being judgmental yourself ?
• Does the President have to pay taxes ?
• If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, but it runs over a pedestrian, does it stop to help him/her ?
• If there’s an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule ?
• Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard ?
• If Wile E Coyote had enough money for all that ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner ?

Maxims

• Avoid clichés like the plague.
• Non conformists are all alike.
• Never try to outstubborn a cat.
• Always used tasteful words – you may have to eat them someday.
• Some days you’re the pigeon, others, you’re the statue.
• Suicide is a way of telling God: ‘You can’t fire me – I quit !’
• On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten.
• Never moon a werewolf.
• Be nice to your kids – they’ll choose your nursing home
• Don’t judge a book by its movie
• One good turn gets most of the blankets
• The toes you step on today may be connected to the butt you have to kiss tomorrow
• Never agree to plastic surgery if the paintings in the surgeon’s office are by Picasso

The Two Golden Rules of Football.

1. If it moves, kick it
2. If it doesn’t move, kick it till it does.

You can tell it’s gonna be a bad day when…

• You wake up face down on the pavement
• Your boss calls you into his office and tells you not to bother taking your coat off.
• You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
• You find a TV news team waiting outside your house.
• You find Yellow Pages open at ‘hitmen.’
• You wake up to find that your waterbed has exploded, then you remember that you don’t have a waterbed
• You put your bra on backwards and it fits better
• Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell’s Angels down the motorway
• Your blind date turns out to be your ex
• You turn on the TV and there’s a news report showing exit routes out of the city

Signs that you are getting old…

• Your ears are hairier than your head.
• What doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.
• You get puffed out playing chess.
• You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
• Whenever you fall asleep, people worry that you’re dead.
• You get into heated debates about pension plans.
• You stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do whilst you’re down there.

What men say and what they really mean

• “Take a break honey, you’re working too hard” means I can’t hear the television over the vacuum cleaner
• “Can I help with dinner ?” means Why isn’t it on the table yet ?
• “Do you love me ?” means I’ve done something stupid that you might find out about very soon.
• “Will you marry me ?” means I broke the dishwasher, I can only find one sock, and I’m out of peanut butter.
• “I’m taking a short cut” means We’re hopelessly lost and may never find our way back home.
• “I’m going fishing” means I’m going to drink myself into a stupor and then stand on the bank whilst the fish swim by in total safety
• “What’s wrong ?” means What meaningless, self-inflicted psychological drama are you going through now ?
• “You look terrific ?” means Pleeeeeease don’t try on any more outfits… I’m starving !
• “I can’t find it” means It didn’t jump up and bite me on the butt
• “I do help around the house” means This one time, I threw a dirty towel in the general direction of the laundry basket
• “We share housework duties” means I make the mess, she cleans it
• “I don’t need the instructions” means I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help
• “Haven’t I seen you somewhere before ?” means Nice butt.
• “I’m a romantic” means I’m hopelessly poor
• “I don’t know if I like her” means I don’t know if she’ll sleep with me

Political correctness

• Eat like a pig = reverse bulimia
• Stupid = minimal cranium development
• Dishonest = ethically disoriented
• Short = perpendicularly impaired
• Lazy = energetically deprived
• Psychopath = socially misaligned
• Baldness = follicle regression
• Unsophisticated = socially malformed
• A constant farter/ belcher = gastronomically expressive
• A blanket hogger = Thermally unappreciative
• Easy/ tarty = horizontally accessible
• Bleached blonde = peroxide dependant
• PMS = hormonally homicidal
• Wears too much makeup = cosmetically oversaturated
• Bear gut = liquid grain storage facility
• Getting lost = discovering alternate destinations
• Cradle snatcher = One who prefers generationally differential relationships
• Male chauvinist pig = One with swine empathy
• Behaves like a total ass = Develops a case of rectal-cranial inversion
• Snoring = Nasally repetitive
• Old = Chronologically gifted
• Bad driver = Automotively challenged
• Bad Hair Day = Rebellious follicle syndrome
• Hooked on soap operas = Melodramatically fixated
• Shopaholic = One who is overly susceptible to marketing ploys
• Housewife = Domestic engineer
• Has a detention = Exit-delayed
• Wears too much jewelry = Metallically overburdened
• Conceited = Intimately aware of his/her best qualities
• Nags = Verbally repetitive
• Always gets lost = Consistently seeks alternate destinations
• Commitment-phobic = Monogamously challenged

Genuine letters sent to Landlords

• The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared
• I want some repairs done to the stove, as it has backfired and burnt my knob off
• The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand ?
• I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall
• I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
• Our lavatory seat has broken in half and is now in three pieces
• Will you please do something to mend our front path ? My wife tripped over it the other day and is now pregnant.

More strange signage…

• In an Irish hotel: Please do not lock the door as we have lost the key
• In a hotel: Ladies requested not to have children in the Cocktail Bar
• In a hospital: Visitors – husbands only. One per patient.
• Outside a maternity shop: We are open on labor day.
• On a dock in Alaska: Safety ladder. Climb at own risk.
• On a repairs shop: We can fix anything ! (Please knock the door – bell doesn’t work)
• In a hotel: All extinguishers must be checked at least ten days before any fire
• Outside a doctor’s office: Specialises in women and other diseases
• In a bridal shop: Wedding gear for all occasions
• Plumber: We repair what your husband fixed
• Door of plastic surgeon’s office: Hello – can we pick your nose ?
• On billboard: Keep your eyes on the road instead of reading these signs
• On electrician’s truck: Let us remove your shorts
• In a non-smoking area: If we see smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action
• Optometrist: If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you have come to the right place
• On a fence: Salesmen welcome, as dog food is expensive
• On a reception desk: We shoot every third salesman, and the second one just left
• In a Vet waiting room: Be back in five minutes, so sit… Stay…!

Excuses for getting out of a date:

• I have to worm my dog
• I really do need to spend more time with my blender
• The man on the TV told me to stay tuned
• I’m teaching my ferret to yodel
• I have to check the use-by dates on all my dairy products
• I’m going to count all the bristles on my toothbrush
• The Pope might stop by
• I promised to help a friend fold road maps
• I just picked up a book on the History of Superglue, and I just can’t put it down
• There are important world issues that need worrying about
• None of my socks match
• My favorite commercial might be on TV tonight
• I have to study for my blood test
• My palm reader advised against it

A Few Things Guys Wished Girls Knew

• If you think you look fat, then you probably are fat. Don’t ask us.
• The whole toilet seat thing. Not that big an issue. If it’s up, put it down.
• Sometimes we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.
• Anything you wear is fine – really. Please do not ask us repeatedly.
• Women who wear Wonderbras, push up bras, or low-cut tops, should not complain about the attention that their breasts receive
• You have too many shoes
• Subtle hints don’t work with us. If you want something, ask.
• If something we’ve said can be taken one of two ways, and one of those ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one
• Don’t cut your hair. Don’t cut your hair ever. It causes arguments if our comments don’t please you.
• If you ask us a question you don’t want the answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear
• Anything said or did during the course of our relationship six or seven months ago, is null and void in the event of an argument.

Things Only Women Understand

• Cats’ facial expressions
• Why it is perfectly necessary to have the same style of shoes in different colors
• Taking a car trip without trying to beat our best time
• The difference between cream, beige, off-white, and eggshell
• Eyelash curlers
• Other women

If Men really did rule the world

• Nodding and looking at your watch would be a totally acceptable response to, ‘I love you.’
• Hallmark would make cards that say, ‘I’m sorry… What was your name again ?’
• When your girlfriend/wife needs to talk to you during the sports game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen
• Breaking up would be easier. A smack on the bum should pretty much do it.
• ‘Sorry I’m late, I got hammered last night’ would be an acceptable excuse, no matter your profession
• It would be considered harmless fun to put on horned helmets, get together 30 friends, and go pillage a nearby town
• Lifeguards would have the authority to remove people from the beach on the grounds of ‘public ugliness.’
• Instead of an engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with an oversized foam hand that says, ‘You’re No. 1 !’
• Valentines Day would be moved to February 29.
• Every man would get four real ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ cards a year

If Women Could Rule the World

• PMS would be a legitimate defense in court
• Men would get bad reputations for sleeping around
• Singles’ bars would have metal detectors on entry to weed out any men hiding wedding or engagement rings in their pockets
• Men would not be allowed to eat high-gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime
• Men would learn phrases like, ‘I’m Sorry’, ‘I love you’, and ‘Sure we can talk. Now or later ?’
• Men would wonder what we were thinking
• News segments on sport would never last longer than one minute.
• All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator

Bumsteers…

• The darkest hour is before the dawn… so if you wanna steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it
• Always remember, you are unique, just like everybody else
• It may just be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others
• If you think that nobody cares you’re alive, try missing a few car payments
• 42.7% of statistics are made up on the spot
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines
• Follow your dream ! Unless it’s the one where you’re at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
• Always take time to stop and smell the roses… and sooner or later you’ll inhale a bee
• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk in front of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.

How to make people think you’re insane/annoy people/ both:

• At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down
• Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that
• Develop an unnatural fear of staplers
• Reply to everything someone says with, ‘That’s what you think.’
• Specify that your drive-thru order is ‘to go’
• When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, ‘Run for your lives !!!!! They’re loose !!!’
• Threaten to jump out of a ground floor window
• Wear socks on the outside of your shoes
• Finish all your sentences with, ‘In accordance with the prophecy.’
• Ask people what sex they are
• Sing along at the opera
• Put a mosquito net around your cubicle
• Five days in advance, tell the host you can’t attend his/her party because you’re just not in the mood
• Call the psychic hotline and say, ‘Guess.’
• When the money comes out of the ATM, scream, ‘I won ! I won ! This is the third time this week !’
• Tell your boss, ‘It’s not the voices in my head that bother me, it’s the voices in your head that do.’
• Walk out of the bathroom and announce that you went all by yourself
• Walk around muttering to yourself, ‘The gerbils are flying through the air, ants can’t swim, I have a pineapple in my head…’
• Tell some random person to watch your bike, and point to someone else’s bike. Walk off and never return
• Take pictures of your fridge and hang them on the fridge
• Say this, ‘Crazy ? I was crazy once ! They put me in a room – in a rubber room ! A rubber room with rats ! And monkeys ! The monkeys drove me crazy ! Crazy ? Crazy ?! I was crazy once…’
• Hold up a spoon and shout, ‘Do not mock the spoon’s authority ! The spoon is your master !’
• Poke random people in the back and claim the Bob, the magic gremlin, did it
• Make up imaginary numbers such as eighty-twelve and eleventy-seven, and use them in trivial situations
• Create a folder or file on the computer called, ‘Do not open’, and then watch to see who opens it
• List every movie you’ve ever seen in chronological order and near the end say, ‘Oh wait ! I messed up !’ and start over
• Call a country station and request Metallica
• Burn Dr. Pepper bottles and claim they look like Elvis
• Stand on tables and demand to everybody, ‘Hail the Cheese Man !’
• Call Pizza Hut and ask if they have the number for Dominos
• Call random people and say, ‘You suck, jacka$$ !’ then hang up
• Stare at someone for a long period of time. When they look at you, laugh uncontrollably, then suddenly stop, and slap yourself
• When you’re sitting down, suddenly stand up, run a lap around the room screaming with your arms raised in the air, then sit back down and act like nothing’s happened
• Carry a pencil around everywhere you go. Stroke it and insist that it is your pet
• Curl up in a corner with your knees pulled to your chest and your head down. If someone asks what you are doing, or whether you’re okay, suddenly raise your head, hiss at the person, and put your head back down
• Go to someone’s house with a cape on. Ring the doorbell and when they answer, say, ‘I am Batman !’ Laugh evilly, then run away
• Try to sit down but miss the chair on purpose. When you land, look at the person next to you, and ask if they’e okay
• Ask a random person if they would like some bottle tops. As soon as you get any response from them, go right up into their face and scream for as long as you can.
• If you are trying to explain something to someone, and they don’t understand, tell them you’ll make it simple for them, and say the following: ‘Okay, imagine… Imagine Amsterdam. Okay ? Amsterdam ? You picturing Amsterdam ? Okay, now imagine the entire population of the world. You picturing it ? Right. Good.’ Slowly back away as you are saying this.
• When leaving the company of somebody, yell at them, ‘Remember the Kit Kat !’
• If anybody says anything to you, announce, ‘Right ! That does it !’ and storm off
• Lie about everything obvious, e.g., the time of the day, the colour of the sky, etc. If your lie is proved wrong, say, ‘Told you so, stupid head.’
• If you are in an awkward silence, scream, ‘SHUT UP!’ repeatedly
• Walk up to a table in the food court of your local mall, and pick up a person’s food item. Look at them sternly and say, ‘You do not like this food !’, then turn to the table next to them. Give the person at the second table a warm smile, pat them on the shoulder, say, ‘But you do !’ and give them the food. Then walk away.
• Walk around the mall holding a doll wrapped up to look like a newborn (Baby Born dolls would be really effective). Start smiling at it. Then freak out and start screaming. Throw it into the mall’s fountain and shout, ‘I will never join the dark side !’ Then walk away like nothing happened.
• Take a ball of yarn and wrap it around your finger. Stare at various people walking by, and point at them with your finger, saying, ‘May you have shelter. The Russians are coming ! They won’t spare you !’
• Get a pineapple and tear off the top. Tape it to your head to look like hair. Scream in people’s faces, ‘It’s not my fault! Don’t stare ! Don’t make fun of my impairment !’

Things to do when you’re bored…

• Have a tea party with your pets
• Make up a word, use it casually in conversation, and see if anyone asks what it means
• Read the dictionary backwards and look for hidden messages
• Explain the reasons why World War II started, to your cat
• Start a conversation: ‘I wonder what would happen if our knees bent the other way…’
• Write down 10 reasons why you’re bored
• Learn to type with your toes
• Tell your feet a joke.

Things to do at the Movies

WARNING: The following is not advisable if you are genuinely interested to see how the movies turn out, for attempting one or more of these activities may have you expelled from the premises…

• When you are choosing a seat, point at someone and say in a loud, childish voice, ‘I don’t wanna sit next to that guy, he smells funny !’
• Every time there’s a gunshot, scream, ‘Hit the flooooor !’, jump to the floor, and cover your head
• Start a standing ovation at the end of the movie
• Clap loudly every time someone enters the theatre late
• Enquire what the theatre’s return policy on popcorn is.

Ways to have fun with a Telemarketer

• If they want to loan you money, say, ‘Thank God ! I just filed for bankruptcy and I could really use a bit of money…’
• If they ask, ‘How are you today ?’, say, ‘I’m so glad you asked. Nobody seems to care anymore. I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my goldfish died this morning…’
• Ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell their company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, etc. Continue asking them personal questions for as long as necessary
• If they say their name is Judy (for example, change name appropriately) Cry out in surprise and delight, ‘Judy ?! Judy, is that you ? Oh my God ! Judy, how have you been ?’ Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could possibly know you from
• Say ‘No’ over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
• If they call trying to sign you up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply in as sinister a voice as you can, ‘I don’t have any friends…Would you be my friend ?’
• (If the telemarketer is the opposite sex to you) After the Telemarketer gives his/her spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, say, ‘Well I can’t just give out my credit card number to a complete stranger.’
• As soon as you realize the person on the other end is a Telemarketer, scream out ‘Oh my God !’ and hang up
• Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that he/she cannot give out his/her home number say, ‘Oh. I guess you don’t want people bothering you at home right ?’ When the Telemarketer agrees, say, ‘Well neither do I !’ and hang up
• Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times
• Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number
• Tell the Telemarketer, ‘Okay, I’ll listen to you. But I should probably tell you – I’m not wearing any clothes.’
• Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon playing a joke. Repeat over and over, ‘Come on, Leon, cut it out ! Nah seriously, Leon, how’s your momma ?’
• Tell them that you are hard of hearing and they must speak louder… louder !
• Tell them to talk very slowly because you want to write every word down.

Bathroom wisdom

(Graffiti scrawled on public restroom walls)

• Here I sit, lonely hearted, tried to s#!t but only farted. Then one day I took a chance, tried to fart, and s#!t my pants
• If you voted for Bush in the last election, you can’t take a dump here, because your asshole is in Washington
• Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity
• What are you looking up on the wall for ? The joke is in your hands !
• I love (insert name here), yes I do, he’s for me and not for you, if you ever take my place, I’ll rearrange your f^@#ing face !
• If voting really changed anything, it would be illegal
• If you sprinkle when you tinkle, do be neat and wipe the seat J

Computers According to the Movies

(Don’t you wish you had the computers in Movieland…?)

• Word processors never display a cursor
• You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences
• All monitors display inch-high letters
• High tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces. Those that don’t, have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English
• You can gain access to any information you want, simply by typing: Access all of the secret files
• Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus simply by typing: Upload virus
• All computers are connected by some magical invisible cordless modem. You can access the information on the villain’s desktop computer, even if it is turned off
• Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn’t go faster than you can read
• All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards
• People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data
• A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries. Any Permission Denied messages have an Override function
• Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds
• Movie modems usually appear to translate data at the speed of two gigabytes per second
• When the power/plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels, and possibly the entire building, will explode
• No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it’ll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms
• The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons are not labelled
• Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities, and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer
• Whenever a character looks at the screen, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto the character’s face

Ten Simple Rules for Dating my Teenage Daughter

1. If you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun, and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
4. I’m sure you’ve been told that, in today’s world, sex without utilizing a ‘barrier method’ of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: When it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
5. It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I will require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you regarding this subject is, ‘Early.’
6. I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one else but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
7. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for a movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup – a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car ?
8. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there s dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Place where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose-down parka that is zipped up to her throat. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
9. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
10. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Reasons why the 80s was a cooler decade than the 90s

• MTV actually played video clips
• There were only one kind of Nike shoes, and they didn’t cost $125
• Playing video games actually meant going out to do something
• When you were out partying, you didn’t have to worry about your mother calling you on your cell phone.
• Feathered hair was easier to look after than dreadlocks

Things you can learn from Cats

• Life is hard, then you nap
• Curiosity never killed anything except a few hours
• When in doubt, cop an attitude
• Variety is the spice of life: one day ignore people, the next day annoy them
• Climb your way to the top – that’s why the drapes are there
• Never sleep alone when you can sleep on someone’s face
• Find your place in the sun – especially if it happens to be on that nice pile of warm, clean laundry
• When eating out, think nothing of sending back your meal twenty or thirty times
• If you’re not receiving enough attention, try knocking over a few expensive antiques
• Always give generously – nothing says, ‘I care’ more tenderly than a small bird or rodent left on the bed
• When you go out into the world, remember: being placed on a pedestal is a right, not a privilege

How to bath your Cat

1. Dress for the occasion. A four-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask, and two pairs of welder’s gloves.
2. A bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred the latter in a matter of seconds.
3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub beforehand. Blow-drying the cat after the bath is to be avoided.
4. Draw the bath, making it a little warmer than needed, because you still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so that you can still reach it even if you are face down in the tub
5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up nonchalantly, as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. Try not to tremble with anticipatory fear, as the cat will suspect something. Do not worry about the cat noticing your strange attire – the cat barely notices you anyway.
6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom, speed is essential. In one single liquid motion, shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. Whilst the cat is still in a state of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of the cat is above the water line. You have just begun what will be the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and he now has soapy fur. His state of shock will have worn off by now, and he’s madder than a wet hornet
7. As best you can, ensuring that your gloves are on securely, try to catch the cat’s body as it catapults through the air towards the ceiling. If you can, squirt another dollop of Kitty Bubbles at the cat, as its body is now fully exposed
8. During the five seconds that you are able to hold onto the cat, rub vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As it jumps from you and slides down the glass enclosure into the tub, the cat will fall back into the water, rinsing itself in the process
9. If possible, try to avoid any further lathering or rinsing, as the cat will have realized the lack of traction on the glass, and will use its next escaping attempt on the first available part of you
10. Next, the cat must be dried. Do not, repeat, do NOT remove any of your protective clothing. By this stage, you are worn out, and the cat has just become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg in a frenzied attempt to kill you. To remove your cat from your leg, drain the tub in full view of your cat
11. At this point, your cat will be hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is not altogether pleasant, it will be in a much better position for wrapping the towel around it
12. Be sure you firmly wrap the cat in the towel before opening the tub enclosure. Open the door, put the towel wrapped cat on the floor, and step back into the shower quickly, ensuring that the glass doors have been closed. Do not open the enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel
13. In about two hours, it will be safe to exit the enclosure. Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small, fuzzy hedgehog whilst it is plotting its revenge.

Ways to have fun at K-mart ! (or a similar store)

• Take shopping trolleys/ carts for the mere purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations
• Set all alarm clocks on display to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day
• Try on bras over the top of your clothes
• Walk up to an employee, tell him in an official tone, ‘I think we’ve got a Code 3 in Homewares’, and see what happens
• Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap
• Test the fishing rods and see what you can ‘catch’ from other aisles
• Try to put M&Ms on lay-by
• Move ‘Caution: Wet Floor’ signs to carpeted areas
• Set up a tent in the camping department, and tell others that you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bed & Bath aisle
• When a sales assistant asks if you need help, start to cry and ask, ‘Why won’t you people just leave me alone ??’
• Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror whilst pretending to pick your nose
• Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full-scale battlefield with GI Joes and X-men
• Dart around suspiciously whilst humming the theme from Mission: Impossible
• In the auto department, practice your Madonna impersonations with various funnels
• Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like, ‘Pick me ! Pick me !’
• When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the foetal position and scream, ‘No, no ! It’s the voices again ! The voices !’
• Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. Ask a passing sales assistant if they can bring you a soft drink with a little umbrella in it, because you don’t get out much
• Go into the Sports’ department, start a game of football, and see how many people you can get to join in
• Play with the automatic doors
• Walk up to a complete strangers and say, ‘Hi ! I haven’t seen you in so long ! How are you ? What are you doing with yourself ?’… etc, and see if they play along
• Put a pair of panties on your head and walk around the store casually
• As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, looked delighted and say, ‘Wow – magic !’
• Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, ‘I’m Batman ! Come, Robin – to the Batcave !’
• Randomly throw things into neighbouring aisles
• Attempt to fit into very large gym bags
• Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags
• Two words: Marco Polo
• Get a stuffed animal and walk around the store stroking it lovingly, saying, ‘Good girl… Good Bessie…’
• When someone steps away from their shopping trolley/cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word
• Hold indoor shopping cart races
• Make up nonsense products and ask trainee employees if there are any in stock, for example, ‘Do you have Shnerples here?’

Ways to tell that you’re insane

• You start off every morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom
• You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa, asking why you never write
• You wear your boxer shorts on your head, because you heard that it wards off evil dandruff spirits
• You’re always having to apologize to your next door neighbour for setting fire to his lawn decorations
• Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can’t understand you through that scuba mask
• You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you’ve stepped on over the years, and worry that their descendants are going to see revenge one day
• You have meaningful conversations with your toaster
• You collect dead windowsill flies
• You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan’s Island, because they weren’t rescued
• You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they’ll hatch
• You have a predominant fear of fabric softener
• You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend you’re a stalk
• You see migrating flocks of ducks in the fall and only your attachment to the toaster keeps you from joining them

Ways to Answer a Salesperson when he/she asks, ‘Can I speak to…?’

• Snap, ‘Why ? Huh ? Am I not good enough for you ? Is that it ?’ then begin to sob.
• Before they can finish the question, yell, ‘NO !’ and hang up
• If you are a female and they are asking for a male (or vice versa), say you are him and answer any questions
• Interrupt the salesman, asking if you can speak to (make up a name), and when he or she replies that the person is not there, simply say, ‘Oh okay, this is just a courtesy call. Thank you for your time, have a nice day.’ And hang up
• Get defensive, yell, ‘WHO’S ASKING ?!!’ and hang up
• Say in a nervous, shaky voice, ‘Uh… I wouldn’t know where that guy is… You probably have the wrong number…’ Then whisper, ‘Yes… that’s it… hehehe…’ and hang up
• Ask which division of the FBI is calling, then, after the salesperson naturally replies that he/she is not with the FBI say, ‘Oh, that’s good,’ and hang up
• Ask the salesperson if he/she would be interested in buying anything for a school fundraiser.

How to get kicked out of jury duty

(WARNING: Trying any of these might not just get you out of jury duty… You may also be arrested for being in contempt of court. But if you don’t mind, enjoy !)

• During the trial, make it obvious that you’re reading a book. Every now and then, look up and declare, ‘You don’t say!’
• Wear 3-D glasses
• Every day, come dressed as a different member of the Walt Disney family, so that you’ll stand out in artist sketches
• Ask the judge where they keep the salad bar
• When they use ‘big’ words like ‘homicide’, act like you need to look it up in the dictionary
• Show up in a clown suit
• During the prosecution’s opening statements, stand up and yell, ‘That’s good enough for me ! Let’s hang ’im !’
• Keep winking at the defence lawyer
• Have a pizza delivered to the witness stand
• When the defence lawyer starts his case, stand up and yell, ‘I object !’
• Refer to the judge as Big Daddy/Momma (according to gender)

Things my mother taught me…

• My mother taught me that there is a time and a place for everything: ‘If you are going to kill each other, do it outside! I just finished cleaning the house !’
• She taught me religion: ‘You had better pray that the stuff you spilled will come out of the carpet !’
• She taught me logic: ‘Because I said so, that’s why !’
• Foresight: ‘Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident and have to be taken to hospital !’
• My mother taught me self-control: ‘If you keep laughing, I’ll give you something to cry about !’
• She taught me about being a contortionist: ‘Just look at the back of your neck – it’s filthy !’
• My mother taught me about the weather: ‘Your room looks like it was hit by a tornado !’
• She taught me that the quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket
• My mother taught me ESP: ‘Put your sweater on – don’t you think I know when you’re cold ?’
• She taught me about genetics: ‘You’re just like your bloody father !’
• Anticipation: ‘You just wait until your father gets home !’
• Receiving: ‘You’re going to get it when we get home !’
• And above all, my mother taught me justice: ‘One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you ! Then you’ll see what I have to put up with, day in, day out…’

Hallmark Cards You’ll Never See

• Looking back on the years we spent together, I can’t help but wonder, ‘What the hell was I thinking ?’
• Congratulations on your wedding day ! Too bad nobody likes your wife.
• As the days go by, I think about how lucky I am that you’re not here to ruin it for me.
• Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back ? You may need it again.
• Congratulations on the new baby. Did you ever find out who the father was ?
• You are such a good friend, that if we were on the Titanic and there was only one lifejacket left… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
• Happy Birthday Uncle Dad !

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