Things To Be Learned
from Children
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If you spray hairspray onto
dust bunnies and run them over with rollerblades, they can ignite
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A four-year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a
crowded restaurant
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If you hook a dog leash
over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy,
wearing Pound Puppy underwear and a Superman cape
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It is strong enough,
however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 foot room
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Baseballs make marks on the
ceiling
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You should not throw
baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on
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When using the ceiling fan
as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit
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A ceiling fan can hit a
baseball bat a long way
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The glass in windows, even
double pane, will not stop a baseball that has been hit by a ceiling fan
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When you hear the toilet
flush and the words ‘Uh-oh!’, it’s already too late
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A six year old can start a
fire with a flint rock, even though a 36-year-old man says that it can only be
done in the movies
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A magnifying glass can
start a fire even on an overcast day
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The fire department usually
has a 5-minute waiting time
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If you use a waterbed as a
home plate whilst wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak. It explodes
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A king-size waterbed holds
enough water to fill a 2000sq foot house 4-inches deep
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Lego will pass through the
digestive tract of a four year old
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‘Play-Doh’ and ‘Microwave’
should never be used in the same sentence
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Superglue is forever
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No matter how much jelly
(Jell-O) you put in a swimming pool, you still cannot walk on water
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Pool filters do not like
Jell-O
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VCRs do not eject sandwiches,
even though they do on the TV commercials
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Garbage bags do not make
good parachutes
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You probably don’t wanna
know what that odor is
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Always look in the oven
before you turn it on
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G.I. Joe action figures do
not like ovens
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The spin cycle on the
washing machine will not make earthworms dizzy
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It will, however, make cats dizzy
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‘Quiet’ does not necessarily equate to ‘Don’t worry.’
Kids’ Letters to God
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Dear God – in school
they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation ? – Jane
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Dear God – are you really invisible or is that just a trick ? –
Lucy
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Dear God – is it true my father won’t get in Heaven if he uses
his bowling words in the house ? – Anita
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Dear God – did you mean for the giraffe to look like that, or
was it an accident ? – Norma
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Dear God – who draws the lines around countries? – Nan
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Dear God – I went to this wedding and they kissed right in
church. Is that okay ? – Neil
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Dear God – What does it mean: ‘You are a Jealous God’ ? I thought
you had everything. – Jane
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Dear God – Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for
was a puppy. – Joyce
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Dear God – Why is Sunday School on Sunday ? I thought it was
supposed to be our day of rest. – Tom
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Dear God – Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything
before, You can look it up. – Bruce
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Dear God – If You give me a genie lamp like Aladdin, I will give
You anything You want, except my money or my chess set. – Raphael
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Dear God – Maybe Cain
and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It
works with my brother. – Larry
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Dear God – I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not
with so much hair all over. – Sam
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Dear God – I think the stapler is one of your greatest
inventions. – Ruth
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Dear God – I bet it is very hard for You to love all of
everybody in the whole world. There are only four people in our family and I
can never do it. – Nan
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Dear God – If You watch me in church Sunday, I’ll show You my
new shoes. – Mickey
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Dear God – I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the
Bible. – Chris
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Dear God – We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they
said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. – Donna
LOVE IS IN THE AIR !!!
Why does love happen between two
particular people ?
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One of the people has
freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too. – Andrew, age 6
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No one is sure why it
happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell… That’s why
perfume and deodorant are so popular. – Mae, age 9
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I think you’re supposed to get
shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so
painful. – Manuel, age 8
What do you think falling in love
is like ?
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Like an avalanche where you
have to run for your life. – John, age 9
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If falling in love is
anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long.
– Glenn, age 7
What is the role of beauty and
handsomeness in love ?
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If you want to be loved by
somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful. –
Anita, age 8
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It isn’t always just how
you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to
marry me yet. – Brian, age 7
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Beauty is skin deep. But
how rich you are can last a long time – Christine, age 9
What is the nature of love ?
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Love is the most important
thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too. – Greg, age 8
How do people in love behave ?
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When a person gets kissed
for the first time, they fall down and they don’t get up for at least an hour.
– Wendy, age 8
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Mooshy… like puppy dogs…
except puppy dogs don’t wag their tails nearly as much. – Arnold, age 10
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All of a sudden, the people
get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark. – Sherm, age 8
Why do lovers often hold hands ?
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They want to make sure
their rings don’t fall off because they paid good money for them. – Calvin, age
8
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They are just practicing
for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy
matchimony thing. – John, age 9
Personal opinions on love…
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I’m in favor of love, as long
as it doesn’t happen when Dinosaurs is on television. – Jill, age 6
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Love is foolish… but I
still might try it sometime. – Floyd, age 9
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Love will find you, even if
you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five,
but the girls keep finding me. – Dave, age 8
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I’m not rushing into being in
love. I’m finding fourth grade hard enough. – Regina, age 10
What personal qualities do you need in order to be
a good lover ?
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Sensitivity don’t hurt. –
Robbie, age 8
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One of you should know how
to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going
to be a lot of bills. – Ava, age 8
What are some surefire ways to make a person fall
in love with you ?
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Tell them that you own a
whole bunch of candy stores. – Del, age 6
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Shake your hips and hope
for the best. – Camille, age 9
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Yell out that you love them
at the top of your lungs. And don’t worry if their parents are right there. –
Manuel, age 8
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Don’t do things like have
smelly green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same
thing as love. – Alonzo, age 9
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One way is to take the girl
out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually
work for me. – Bart, age 9
How can you tell if two people eating dinner at a
restaurant are in love ?
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Just see if the man picks
up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love. – Bobby
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Lovers will be just staring
at each other and their food will get cold… Other people care more about the
food. – Bart, age 9
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Romantic adults usually are
all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go
out or they just broke up. – Sarah, age 9
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See if the man has lipstick
on his face. – Sandra, age 7
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It’s love if they order one
of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those, because it’s just
like how their hearts are… on fire. – Christine, age 9
What are most people thinking when they say ‘I love
you’ ?
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The person is thinking: ‘Yeah,
I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.’ – Michelle,
age 9
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Some lovers might be real
nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it, and now
they can go eat. – Dick, age 7
How do you learn to kiss ?
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You can have a big rehearsal
with your Barbie and Ken dolls. – Julia, age 7
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You learn it right on the
spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you. – Brian, age 7
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It might help to watch soap
operas all day. – Carin, age 9
When is it okay to kiss someone ?
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When they’re rich. – Pam, age
7
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If it’s your mother, you
can kiss her anytime. But if it’s a new person, you have to ask permission. –
Roger, age 6
How do you make love endure ?
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Spend most of your time
loving instead of going to work. – Dick, age 7
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Don’t forget your wife’s name…
That will mess up the love. – Erin, age 8
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Be a good kisser. It might
make your wife forget that you never take out the trash. – Dave, age 8
What is love ?
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When my grandmother got
arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my
grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis
too. That’s love. – Rebecca, age 8
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When someone loves you, the
way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their
mouth. – Billy, age 4
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Love is when a girl puts on
perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.
– Karl, age 5
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Love is when you go out and
eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you
any of theirs. – Chrissy, age 6
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Love is what makes you smile
when you’re tired. – Terri, age 4
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Love is when my mommy makes
coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure
the taste is OK. – Danny, age 7
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Love is what’s in the room
with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen. – Bobby, age 5
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If you want to learn to love
better, you should start with a friend who you hate. – Nikka, age 6
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There are two kinds of
love. Our love. God’s love. But God makes both kinds of them. – Jenny, age 4
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Love is when you tell a guy
you like his shirt, then he wears it every day. – Noelle, age 7
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Love is like a little old
woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each
other so well. – Tommy, age 6
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Love is when mommy gives
daddy the best piece of chicken. – Elaine, age 5
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Love is when mommy sees
daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford. –
Chris, age 8
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I know my older sister loves
me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new
ones. – Lauren, age 4
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I let my big sister pick on
me because my Mom says that she only picks on me because she loves me. So I
pick on my baby sister because I love her. – Bethany, age 4
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When you love somebody,
your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you. – Karen, age 7
Advice from
Kids
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Never trust a dog to watch
your food
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When your Dad is mad and
asks you, ‘Do I look stupid ?’, it’s probably best not to answer
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Never tell your Mom that her
diet isn’t working
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Stay away from prunes
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Don’t pull your dad’s finger
when he tells you to
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When your mom is mad at
your dad, don’t let her brush your hair
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Never allow your
three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment
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Don’t sneeze when you’re
having your hair cut
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Puppies still have bad breath
even after eating a Tic Tac
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Never hold a dust buster
and a cat at the same time
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You can’t hide a piece of
broccoli in a glass of milk
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Don’t wear polka-dot
underwear under white shorts
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If you want a kitten, start
out by asking for a pony
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Felt markers are not good
to use as lipstick
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Don’t pick on your sister
when she is holding a baseball bat
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No matter how hard you try,
you can’t baptize a cat
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I’ve learned that I like my
teacher because she cries when we sing Silent Night
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I’ve learned that just when
I get my room to the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up
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When your sister hits you,
don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person
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Never ask your two-year-old
brother to hold a tomato
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You can’t trust a dog to
watch your food
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A piece of chewing gum
stuck under the dining room table will come back to haunt you
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School lunches stick to the
wall
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Don’t sneeze in front of your
mum when you’re eating crackers
The Bible According to Kids
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Moses led the Hebrews to
the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any
ingredients
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The Egyptians were all drowned
in the dessert.
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Afterwards, Moses went up
on Mt Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment is to humor thy
father and mother
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Moses died before he ever
reached Canada
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The greatest miracle in the
Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him
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… He fought with the
Finklestines, a race of people who lived in Biblical times
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Solomon, one of David’s
sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines
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In the first book of the
Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath
off
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Noah’s wife was Joan of Ark
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The first commandment was
when Eve told Adam to eat the apple
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Jesus was born because Mary
had an immaculate contraption
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One of the opossums was St
Matthew, who was also the taximan
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… He preached Holy Acrimony,
which is another word for marriage
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A Christian should only have
one spouse. This is called monogamy.
The Wisdom of Children – Proverbs in their own special way
There’s
a little story to go with this one. A 1st grade teacher wrote out
the beginning to some well-known proverbs, and asked her students to fill out
what they thought were the right answers. Take a look at these…
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Better to be safe than… punch
a 5th grader
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Strike while the… bug is
close
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It’s always darkest before…
Daylight Saving time
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Never underestimate the power
of… termites
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You can lead a horse to
water, but… how ?
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Don’t bite the hand that… looks
dirty
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No news is… impossible
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A miss is as good as a… Mr.
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You can’t teach an old dog
new… maths
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If you lie down with dogs,
you’ll… stink in the morning
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Love all, trust… me
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An idle mind is… the
best way to relax
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Where there’s smoke, there’s…
pollution
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Happy the bride who… gets
all the presents
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A penny saved is… not
much
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Two’s company, three’s… the
Musketeers
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Laugh and the world laughs
with you, cry and… you have to blow your nose
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None are so blind as… Stevie
Wonder
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Children should be seen and
not… spanked and grounded
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If at first you don’t succeed…
get new batteries
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You get out of something
what you… see pictured on the box
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Better late than… pregnant
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When the blind leadeth the
blind… get out of the way