JOKES

Rupert’s father went down to the bank to apply for a loan. The people from the bank told him they’d come to his house the next day with their answer to his application.

When he got last night, the father said to his son, ‘Rupert, there’s a man coming to see us tomorrow but I want you to tell him I’m not here. I want you to tell him I’m at the office where I make two hundred thousand a year.’

‘But Dad,’ protested Rupert, ‘you’re unemployed.’

‘I know that you idiot,’ said the father, ‘but I want you to lie. And also, say your mother isn’t here either. Say she’s down at the Art Gallery, selling her paintings for ten thousand each.’

‘All right Dad, I’ll do it,’ said Robert.

The next morning, there was a knock on the door. The mother and father hid in the bedroom, and Rupert went to answer it. There was a man in a suit with a briefcase standing at the door. ‘Hello,’ said the man. ‘Is your father home ?’

‘No Sir,’ said Rupert. ‘He’s at the office where he earns two hundred thousand a year.’

‘Is that so ?’ said the interested man. ‘How about your mother ?’

Rupert said, ‘Sorry, but she’s an artist, and she’s busy at her gallery, selling her paintings for ten grand each.’

‘Ten grand each, eh ?’ said the man. ‘Well, would you mind giving them a message for me ?’

‘No sir, I wouldn’t mind, sir,’ said Rupert.

‘Lovely,’ said the man. ‘When they get home, can you tell them I dropped by ? I’m an Inspector from the Taxation Department.’

* * * * * *

Moses was on top of a mountain minding his own business, when a booming voice from the heavens spoke to him.

‘Moses,’ said the voice, ‘it is I. God.’

‘Really ?’ said Moses.

‘Yes,’ said God. ‘Really. Moses, I have something for you. Take some commandments, Moses.’

‘Commandments ?’ said Moses. ‘I don’t need any commandments. Thanks any way.’

God said, ‘You must take the commandments, Moses.’

‘Thanks,’ said Moses, ‘but I really don’t want them.’

‘Take the commandments !’ God said, losing his patience.

‘Will you stop with the commandments already ?’ Moses said. ‘I don’t want them !’

God was outraged. ‘Moses,’ He thundered, ‘If you don’t take these commandments, a blackness will fall over the world and humanity will be doomed for all eternity !’

‘All right, all right, enough with the guilt trip,’ said Moses. ‘I’ll take some commandments if it’ll make you happy. How much are they?’

‘What do you mean, how much are they ?’ asked God incredulously. ‘They’re free !’

‘Really ?’ said a delighted Moses. ‘I’ll take ten !’

* * * * * *

Corporal Brown was based at Puckapunyal Army Base. While he was doing time there, his father died. The news came to him via his Drill Sergeant, who lined the squad up at attention in front of their barracks, and shouted, ‘Corporal Brown, step forward please !’

Brown stepped forward. ‘Brown,’ said the Sergeant, ‘your father’s dropped dead as a doornail.’

The corporal was devastated, and dropped to the ground, screaming and crying with grief. When the Company Commander heard how brutally the news had been delivered to Brown, he hauled the Sergeant up to his office. ‘Sergeant,’ he said, ‘that was the most insensitive thing I’ve ever heard of anyone doing. How could you be so hard on the boy ? Don’t be so straightforward next time. Be a little more… subtle. Show some inventiveness when delivering that sort of news.’

‘Yes sir,’ said the Sergeant. ‘Sorry sir.’

About a month later, news came that poor old Corporal Brown’s mother died of a broken heart. So again, the Sergeant lined up the squad in front of the barracks, and said, ‘Company, attention ! Now, all soldiers whose mothers are still alive, take five steps forward… Where do you think you’re going, Brown ?’

* * * * * *

A guy went to a golf course and entered the pro shop.

‘I want to hire a caddy with good eyesight because I keep losing my golf balls,’ said he.

The golf pro said, ‘We’ve got a man right here who’s amazing. Eyes like a hawk.’

‘Fine,’ said the guy, ‘I’ll meet him at the first tee.’

When the guy got there, there was a 92-year-old man standing there waiting for him.

‘Are you my caddy ?’ asked the guy in disbelief. ‘I asked for someone with good eyes !’

‘My eyesight is perfect,’ said the old man. ‘I have the eyes of a ten-year-old. Hawk-Eyed-Harry, they call me !’

The golfer said, ‘All right, Henry, keep an eye on this ball – I tend to go off-track a little bit.’

He hit the ball, a wild hook, and it finished somewhere out to the left. He turned to the caddy. ‘Henry ?’ he said. ‘Did you see where it went ?’

‘Yes,’ replied Henry.

‘Then where did it go ?’ asked the golfer.

Henry said sadly, ‘I forget.’

* * * * * *

A jockey was sitting on his horse in the mounting yard when the trainer approached and popped something into the horse’s mouth.

‘What’s that you’re giving him ?’ asked the jockey.

‘A peppermint,’ said the trainer. ‘They’re his favorite.’

Just then, the Chief Steward walked over. ‘I just saw you slip something into that horse’s mouth. What was it ?’

‘Just a peppermint, sir,’ said the trainer. ‘Here, try one.’ He handed one to the steward. ‘I’ll have one myself, just to show there’s no funny business going on.’

So the trainer and the Chief Steward popped the things into their mouths. Convinced, the Steward said, ‘All right, but you can’t be too careful.’

When the steward walked off, the trainer turned to the jockey and said, ‘All right, now let the horse lead. Let him go in the straight, he’ll be flying. In fact, if you see anything pass you, it’ll either be me or the Chief Steward.’

* * * * * *

A cop pulled over a motorist on the freeway.

‘Step out of the vehicle, please, sir,’ said the cop.

‘What’s the problem officer ?’ asked the motorist.

‘If you’ll just move to the rear of your car, please, sir,’ said the cop. ‘Your rear tail light appears to be out.’

The driver moved to the back of the car and looked mortified. ‘Oh my God !’ he screamed hysterically. ‘Oh no, this is terrible! Oh Lord, I don’t believe it ! What am I going to do ?!’ Then he threw himself on the ground, inconsolable.

‘Now, now, calm down sir,’ said the cop. ‘You aren’t going to get into any trouble. It’s only a tail light.’

‘Bugger the tail light !’ wailed the driver. ‘Where’s the bloody caravan ???!!’

* * * * * *

Three drunks came staggering onto the platform at Central Station just as the express train, bound interstate, was pulling out of the station.

‘Oh no !’ they yelled in despair. ‘We’ve missed the train !’

The train driver saw the three on the platform and quickly radioed the guard at the rear. ‘There’s three men on the platform,’ he said. ‘See if you can drag them on board as you pass them.’

‘Right,’ said the guard.

As he approached the trio, the guard reached out and managed to grab two of them and heaved them onto the train, leaving one man swaying on the platform.

The guard yelled out at him, ‘Sorry I couldn’t get all three of you on board !’

‘That’s all right,’ said the drunk, ‘You got the two who came to see me off !’

* * * * * *

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law were driving down the freeway when a cop pulled them over.

‘What’ve I done ?’ asked the man resignedly.

‘Nothing at all Sir,’ said the officer. ‘You were the one millionth car to use that overpass back there and the government has given you a check for $10 000 ! What do you think you’ll do with the money ?’

‘Gee,’ said the man after a pensive pause. ‘I might invest in some driving lessons and get myself a license.’

‘What ?!’ exclaimed the cop.

The man’s wife leaned over and said, ‘Oh don’t listen to him officer, he’s drunk.’

‘Drunk ??!’ shouted the officer. ‘That’s it, sir, step out of the vehicle immediately !’

Just then the man’s mother-in-law smacked him across the back of the head and scolded, ‘See ? – I told you there’d be nothing but trouble driving this here stolen vehicle !’

* * * * * *

A lawyer just opened an office in a new, prestigious building. He hired a secretary and office furniture, and the whole firm looked very professional. On his first day, the secretary knocked on the door and said, ‘Sir, there’s a man here to see you.’

‘Fabulous !’ thought the lawyer. ‘My first client ! Now’s my chance to make an impression.’

So he told his secretary to send in the man. He picked up his phone and as the guy walked in, he shouted, ‘No, no, no, no, NO! I won’t accept five hundred thousand for my client ! I want a million, and not a penny less !’ Then he slammed down the receiver and said smoothly to the man, ‘Now, what can I do for you ?’

The man said, ‘I’m from Telstra. I’ve come to connect your phone.’

* * * * * *

A tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is. "These, senor," replied the waiter in broken English, "are the cojones, how you say, the testicles, of the bull killed in the ring today."

The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the dish and thought it was delicious.

So he came back the next evening and ordered the same item.

When it was served, he says to the waiter, "These cojones, or whatever you call them...are much smaller than the ones I had last night."

"Yes, senor," replied the waiter, "You see...the bull, he does not always lose."

* * * * * *

After the Grand Final, the winning team celebrated hard in a big city hotel. The next morning, one of the star team members woke up in a hospital bed, bandaged and strung up to all different bits of machinery, with one of his teammates sitting beside him.

“What on earth happened ?” asked the slightly hungover, injured player.

“Don’t you remember ?” asked his teammate. “We were celebrating. You had one too many scotches, and you bet everyone you could jump out of the window and fly.”

“What ?!” cried the injured player. “Why didn’t you try to stop me ?”

His teammate said, “At the time, we thought you could do it.”

* * * * * *

Three elderly women suffering from Alzheimer’s disease were discussing the problems of their illness.

The first lady said, “Sometimes I find myself in front of the fridge with a jar of jam, and I can’t remember whether I was taking it out or putting it in.”

The second lady said, “Sometimes I’ll get to the landing of my staircase and forget whether I was going up or down.”

Then the third lady chimed in, “Oh well, I don’t have any problems of those sort, touch wood.” She rapped her knuckles on the table, then rose swiftly to her feet and said, “That must be the door – I’ll go get it.”

* * * * * *

A fire broke out in a farmer’s house, so the county fire department was called to put it out. But the fire was too strong for them, so in a last desperate struggle to quench it, they called on the assistance of the county’s volunteer firefighters.

Moments later, an old, dilapidated old truck putted onto the scene, coughing and spluttering and creaking as it moved.

The chief of the fire department turned to the farmer to apologize, but then he noticed that the truck didn’t stop – in fact, it rolled right into the blaze. Within half an hour, the fire was under control, and the regular fire department could quench the fire without trouble.

The spectators who had crowded around cheered for the little volunteer fire department.

The owner of the farm was so impressed by their courage, he donated $1000 to the volunteers in gratitude for their fearless efforts.

A newspaper reporter who had flocked to the scene with countless others, asked the head of the volunteers, ‘What are you going to do with the money ?’

The volunteer chief said: ‘I’m going to get those damn brakes fixed !’

* * * * * *

A man who was taking a stroll accidentally fell off a cliff. As he fell, he managed to grab a hold of a branch. As he dangled there precariously, he called up, ‘Help ! Is there anyone up there ?!’

A voice responded, ‘Yes, my son. I am here.’

‘Who are you ?’ asked the man.

‘I am God, son,’ said the voice. ‘I will help you. Just let go of the branch, and I will catch you.’

There was a pause. Then the man shouted, ‘Is there anyone else up there ?’

* * * * * *

A man had been happily married for years, but something had been niggling his mind, and, though he hated his wife, he had to ask her. ‘Judy,’ he said tentatively, ‘I’ve always noticed that Ben looks different from our other six children. I know it’s a terrible thing for me to ask but… Does he…? Does he have a different father ?’

Tears sprang to Judy’s eyes, and she nodded. ‘Yes, Steven,’ she said. ‘He does.’

Steven gulped back tears. Trembling he asked, ‘Please. Who is it ?’

Judy looked at him sorrowfully and said, ‘You.’

* * * * * *

Two strangers, Tom and Phil, paired up for a game of golf. As they began to play, they realized that their afternoon was in danger of being ruined by the slow play of two women in front.

By the eighth hole, Tom was getting fed up, and began to march towards the women to ask whether they would allow he and his partner to play through. He got half way to them, then turned back, stricken.

‘What’s wrong ?’ asked Phil.

‘I’m sorry,’ Tom said, ‘but when I got closer, I realized that one of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress. Will you go and talk to them instead ?’

So Phil walked towards the women. But he too stopped half way before retreating.

‘What’s wrong ?’ asked Tom.

‘Ya know,’ said Phil, ‘it’s a small world…’

* * * * * *

A rich couple, Gordon and Fran, were dining in one of the most exclusive restaurants in town, when suddenly, a young, slender redhead walked up to Gordon, kissed him warmly, and then strolled off with a wink.

‘Who was that ?!’ cried Fran indignantly.

Gordon looked at Fran and said, ‘All right. I owe you the truth. That was my mistress.’

‘Your mistress ?!’ Fran yelped, angry and hurt. ‘How could you Gordon ? After all these years ? I want a divorce !’

‘Darling, do you really, really want a divorce ?’ asked Gordon. ‘After all, you’d have to give up your beautiful house, your membership at the Country Club, your Mercedes… Not to mention our vacation house in Mexico…’

Fran fell into disgruntled silence. There was a frosty atmosphere between the two, when suddenly Fran espied someone they knew, and asked her husband in a hushed voice, ‘Isn’t that Richard over there ? Who’s he with ?’

‘That’s his mistress,’ Gordon explained.

‘Hmph !’ said Fran, taking a mouthful of dessert. ‘Ours is much cuter.’

* * * * * *

The Pope, the smartest man in the world, the President of the United States, and a boy scout, were on a plane one day when it started to nosedive.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes – one person would have to go down with the plane.

The President grabbed the first parachute and said, ‘My country needs me ! I must survive this !’ And so he jumped from the plane.

The smartest man in the world declared, ‘The world needs my expertise !’ So he grabbed up the necessaries and jumped from the plane.

This left the Pope and the boy scout.

‘My son,’ said the Pope after a heavy silence, ‘I have lived a long life. I know that I will go to a better place, such as the Lord has promised me. I want you to have the last parachute, but you must promise me that you will do something good with your life.’

‘Not to worry,’ said the boy scout cheerfully, ‘we can both go. The smartest man in the world just took my backpack !’

* * * * * *

A grouchy husband said to his wife, ‘I don’t know why you wear a bra. You’ve got nothing to put in it.’

Undaunted, his wife replied, ‘You wear briefs, don’t you ?’

* * * * * *

After many years of marriage, June’s husband had turned into a beer-guzzling couch potato, who was completely inattentive to her, and watched TV all day. June was dismayed, for whatever she did to attract her husband’s attention would be shrugged off with a grunt or dismissive comment.

This went on for months, and June was going crazy with boredom and loneliness. She decided to buy a pet to keep her company. So she went down to the pet store, and saw this big, ugly bird, with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, a formidable wingspan, beady eyes, and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing June’s fascination, said, ‘This is an imported Gooney Bird. They’re very special, for they have quite a peculiar trait. Allow me to demonstrate !’ Then he cried to the bird, ‘Gooney bird – the table !’

Immediately, the Gooney Bird flew off its perch, and with single-minded fury, attacked the table and smashed it into little pieces.

‘Gooney bird !’ cried the shopkeeper. ‘The shelf !’

Again the Gooney Bird demolished the shelf in seconds.

‘Wow !’ said June. ‘If this doesn’t attract my husband’s attention, nothing will ! I’ll take him !’

When June entered the house with her new Gooney Bird, her husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the football.

‘Honey !’ June exclaimed. ‘I’ve got a surprise for you ! Look ! I bought a Gooney Bird !’

The husband, in his usual bored drawl replied, ‘Gooney Bird my ass !’

* * * * * *

Two men walking their dogs observe a new restaurant in town.

‘Gee, I’d like to try that place,’ says the first man, who owns a Chihuahua.

‘Well why don’t we ?’ says the second, whose dog is a Labrador. ‘Come on.’

‘We can’t !’ cries the first man. ‘We have our dogs with us !’

‘No problem !’ says the second man. ‘Observe.’

So he puts on his sunglasses, and walks up to the restaurant. The door man says, ‘Here ! You can’t bring that dog in here !’

‘You don’t understand,’ says the second guy. ‘This is my seeing-eye dog.’

‘Terribly sorry, sir,’ blushes the doorman. ‘In you go. I’ll see to it that your dessert is free.’

‘Thank you,’ says the second man, and in he goes.

‘Amazing !’ exclaims the first man, donning his sunglasses. He goes up to the restaurant.

‘Excuse me,’ says the doorman, ‘you can’t bring that animal in here !’

‘This,’ says the first man importantly, ‘is my seeing-eye dog. I’m blind.’

‘Your seeing-eye dog is a Chihuahua ?’ asks the doorman doubtfully.

‘What the…?’ sputters the man in feigned shock. ‘You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?!’

* * * * * *

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

‘Sure, very kind of you,’ comes the reply, and they get a drink each.

The first man asks, ‘Where are you from ?’

‘I’m from Ireland,’ replies the second man.

‘You don’t say !’ exclaims the first. ‘I’m from Ireland too ! Let’s have another round to Ireland !’

‘Where in Ireland you from ?’ asks the first man after their second round.

‘I’m from Dublin,’ replies the second.

‘Amazing !’ cries the first. ‘I’m from Dublin too !’

‘Here’s to Dublin !’ cries the second man, and they toast to Dublin.

‘What school did you go to ?’ asks the first man.

‘St. Mary’s,’ replies the second.

‘This is incredible,’ says the first. ‘Why, I went to St. Mary’s too ! What year did you graduate ?’

‘’84,’ replies the second man.

‘What a small world !’ cries the first. ‘I graduated in that year too !’

‘Out of curiosity,’ says the first, ‘what street did you live in ?’

‘Emerald Lane,’ replies the second.

‘This is uncanny !’ cries the first. ‘I lived in Emerald Lane too !’

Another regular patron comes up to the barman and says, ‘Hey, Eddie. What’s been going on ?’

‘Nothing much,’ shrugs the bartender. ‘The O’Malley twins are drunk again.’

* * * * * *

A group of kindergarten children were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. Their new teacher was attempting to teach them not to use baby talk.

‘You need to use ‘big people’ words, now you’re in first grade,’ she said. Then she asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

‘I went to visit my Nana,’ replied Chris.

‘No,’ said the teacher patiently, ‘you went to visit your grandmother. Use big people words ! Mitchell, what did you do on the weekend ?’

‘I went on the choo-choo,’ Mitchell replied.

‘No,’ the teacher reminded him, ‘you went on the train. Use big people words ! Johnny, how about you ? What did you do on the weekend ?’

‘I read a book,’ replied Little Johnny.

‘A book !’ cried the teacher. ‘How wonderful, Johnny ! Well done ! What was the name of the book you read ?’

Little Johnny thought about it a moment, then he puffed out his chest with pride and declared, ‘Winnie the S#!t !’

* * * * * *

‘If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up ?’ said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one student rose to his feet.

‘Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?’ inquired the teacher with a sneer.

‘Well, actually I don't,’ said the student, ‘but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.’

* * * * * *

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. ‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.’

Watson replied, ‘I see millions and millions of stars.’

‘What does that tell you?’ Holmes questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute. ‘Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?’

Holmes paused for a minute, then spoke. ‘You idiot, Watson ! Someone has stolen our tent !’

* * * * * *

A grasshopper walks into a bar and sits down.

The bartender is gobsmacked. He says to the grasshopper, ‘We – we have a drink named after you, you know.’

The grasshopper looks shocked and replies, ‘You have a drink named Irving ?’

* * * * * *

Tom, Dick, and Harry were shipwrecked, and washed up on a desert island. Unfortunately, the island was home to the nastiest native tribe in the world. The tribe did not like intruders on their island, and set out to kill the three shipmates.

‘Please !’ begged Tom. ‘Please ! Let us live !’

‘We’ll do anything you ask !’ yelped Dick.

‘Anything !’ hollered Harry.

‘Very well,’ said the Chief after a pause. ‘I will let you live. But you must first pass a test. You must go into the forest, get five pieces of the same kind of fruit, and report back here.’

So Tom, Dick and Harry went into the forest.

Tom came out first, carrying five apples.

‘Now,’ said the Chief to Tom. ‘We will shove the apples up your a$$ and you must stand for five seconds without an expression on your face. If you can do this, you will live.’

Tom got to two and a half seconds, but the pain was too much, and he winced. He was instantly put to death.

Then along came Dick with a handful of plums. The Chief gave Dick the same ultimatum.

So Dick stood there with the plums up his butt. He got to four and a half seconds, but burst into gales of laughter and was killed.

Shortly after, Tom and Dick met up in heaven. Tom, who had been watching Dick from above, said, ‘You idiot, Dick ! You only had half a second to go ! What the hell did you laugh for ?!’

‘I’m sorry,’ said Dick, still laughing. ‘I couldn’t help myself. As the counter got to four, I happened to look over and saw Harry come running up with an armload of pineapples.’

* * * * * *

An 86 year old man was having his annual checkup. Whilst doing so, he boasted to the doctor, “Hey Doc, guess what ? I’ve got a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child. How about that, eh ?”

The doctor thought for a moment then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy once who was a keen hunter, but one day he went out hunting and grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. However, he decided to go out anyway, because it was a nice day, and as he was strolling through the forest, he came across a bear. The bear reared up and roared at the hunter, who squeezed the button on the umbrella, and the bear dropped dead.”

“But that’s impossible !” the old man declared. “Why, someone else must have shot the bear !”

“Yeah,” said the doctor, “that’s kind of what I’m getting at.”

* * * * * *

A little, scrawny little man was sitting dolefully at the bar, staring deep into his drink. A big rough and tough guy came to the bar, saw the little scrawny guy and, looking for fun, he skulled the man’s drink down.

“What are you gonna do about that, shrimp ?” the big rough biker boomed.

“Nothing,” said the little guy sadly. “You see, today’s been the worst day of my life. First, I overslept, so I missed an important meeting, and the boss fired me. So I cleared my desk but when I got to my car, it was stolen. So I caught a cab, paid the driver, and when the cab zoomed off, I realized that I’d left my wallet – with everything in it – inside the cab. I trudged inside, and found my best friend and my wife in bed together. So I come to this bar, vowing never to go back home. And just as I’m thinking about ending my life, you barge in here and drink my poison.”

* * * * * *

A woman and a cowboy, two complete strangers, sat waiting for their bus. At last it came, and they prepared to board.

“Ladies first,” offered the cowboy, stepping aside to let the woman on first.

The woman thanked the cowboy, then went to step onto the bus, only to find that her mini skirt was too tight and she could not reach her leg up to the bus step. She decided to unzip the back of her skirt and loosen it a bit so she could board. So she did that, but still she could not get on the bus. So she zipped the skirt up, and then zipped it back down a little further than last time. But she still could not get on the bus. So she unzipped it some more. And then some more. But still she could not reach the bus at all. Finally, the cowboy behind her picked her up and set her onto the bus.

The woman whirled on him indignantly. “How dare you ?!” she squealed. “How dare you put your hands on me ! You don’t even know me at all !”

The cowboy nodded and said, “Well ordinarily, ma’am, I’d agree with you. But since you zipped and unzipped my fly three times, I figured we were friends.”

* * * * * *

On Halloween, the Devil decided to have a bit of fun and terrorize the wits out of the people of a small town. He succeeded in every house he visited. When he came to the last house, Satan appeared in a ball of flame and said in a menacing voice, “Behold! I am Satan, King of Hell and Lord of all that is Evil !”

The man he visited looked up from his newspaper and said, “Oh. Hello.” Then he went back to reading it.

Satan was a bit baffled. Why wasn’t this guy screaming and begging mercy ? “I’ll make your life a nightmare, and your afterlife even worse !”

“No kidding ?” the man mumbled distractedly. He leaned over his paper, and changed the channel to sports, then went right back to reading.

“What… but…?” sputtered Satan. “You… Aren’t you afraid of me… I mean, do you know who I am ?!”

The man looked a bit annoyed that his evening ritual was being disturbed. He peered over the edge and said, “Should do. I’ve been married to your sister for 46 years !”

* * * * * *

An inmate in an asylum declared at the top of his lungs, “I am Napoleon !!”

“Oh really ?” asked his inmate. “How do you know ?”

“God told me,” explained the first inmate.

A voice from another room shouted, “No I didn’t !”

* * * * * *

An engineer died, and went to Heaven. But St. Peter said, “I’m sorry, son. You’re not on the list. There must be a mistake. Look, you’re going to have to spend a few millennia in hell until we sort this out.”

So the engineer went down to hell, and the Devil was thrilled. “Great !” the Devil said happily. “This place needs your help !” And he sent the engineer to work.

A few months later, God and the Devil ran into each other at the local Supermarket, and the Devil, unable to contain himself, said slyly, “Hey, God, how’s Heaven ?”

“Devine and perfect, as usual,” said God. Politely, he enquired, “How is Hell ?”

“It’s brilliant !” the Devil said. “We’ve got swimming pools, air conditioning, elevators… everything !”

“What ?!” God cried. “You can’t have all that ! How did you get all those luxuries ?”

“Because,” said the Devil, “we have an engineer !”

“Well that isn’t meant to be,” God said indignantly. “He should be up in heaven. Satan, I command you to hand him over at once.”

“Never !” said Satan with his red eyes shining.

“Satan, I’m warning you…” threatened God.

“No way !” Satan snarled.

“If you don’t give him back,” said an angered God, “I’ll sue the pants off you !”

“Oh yeah ?” said the Devil with a laugh. “And just where are you going to find a lawyer ?!”

* * * * * *

WARNING: The following two jokes contain explicit language and adult themes. If such things offend you, stop reading now. I have censored the words, but the concept alone has been known to be offensive. They aren’t too bad, but just in case – you have been warned.

* * * * * *

Two men, Tom and Dick, were discussing married life over a beer one day.

Tom said, “Dick, have you ever meant to say something, but had something else come out instead ?”

“How do you mean ?” Dick asked.

“Well it’s like the other day,” Tom explained. “I should have asked my wife if she wanted to go to Pittsburgh on vacation, but instead I said Tittsburgh.”

“Oh yeah,” said Dick, “that’s happened to me before. Just this morning, actually. My wife asked me what I wanted for breakfast, and instead of saying ‘bacon and eggs’, I yelled, ‘You ruined my life, b!tch !’ “

* * * * * *

The Pope went to visit the Seven Little Dwarfs because he had heard of how nice they were to Snow White. After he preached the word of God to them, the Pope asked, “Do you have any questions to ask me, before I leave ?”

“Mr. Pope,” said Dopey, “are there any dwarf nuns in the Vatican city ?”

“No, Dopey,” said the Pope, “there aren’t any dwarf nuns in the Vatican.”

“Well Mr. Pope,” Dopey tried again, “are there any dwarf nuns in Italy ?”

“No, Dopey,” said the Pope, feeling a bit sorry for him, “there aren’t any dwarf nuns in Italy.”

“Well,” said Dopey restlessly, “are there any dwarf nuns in the world ?”

“No, Dopey,” said the Pope sadly, “there aren’t any dwarf nuns in the entire world.”

There was a pause, then the other dwarfs started chanting, “Dopey f***ed a penguin, Dopey f***ed a penguin !”

* * * * * *

“Now, Mr. Mouse,” said the judge to Mickey Mouse in divorce court. “You say you wanted to divorce Minnie because she was insane ?”

“No I didn’t,” denied Mickey, “I said she was f***ing Goofy !”

* * * * * *

A man walked into a bar one night and said to the bartender, “I’ll have a beer thanks.”

“Sure,” said the barman. “That’s fifty cents.”

“Fifty cents ?!” cried the man in disbelief. “This must be the cheapest bar in the world ! All right, I’ll have one beer for me, and one for everyone in the bar.”

“Done,” said the bartender, and he pours everyone else a drink.

A few moments later, the man asked, “Could I possibly order a roast meal ?”

“Well sure,” said the bartender, “but that’s going to cost you real money.”

“How much ?” asked the man.

“A dollar ninety-five,” the bartender replied.

“If you don’t mind my asking, are you the owner ?” asked the man.

“Heavens, no !” said the barman. “The owner’s upstairs with my wife.”

“What’s he doing up there ?” asked the man.

Replied the bartender, “The same thing that I’m doing to his business.”

* * * * * *

When the following personalities were asked the age old, “Why did the chicken cross the road ?”, they had this to say…

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road ? Did he cross it with a toad ? Yes ! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told !

Ernest Hemmingway: To die. In the rain.

Martin Luther King Jr.: I have a dream, that one day all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Captain James T Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it.

Sigmund Freud: The fact that you are all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken ?

Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What do you mean by chicken ? Could you define “chicken” please ?

George W Bush: I don’t think I should have to answer that question.

The Bible: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road. And there was much rejoicing.

Roseanne Barr: Burp! What chicken ?

Homer Simpson: Mmm… Chicken.

CIA Agent: Chicken ? Chicken ? What chicken ? Did you see a chicken ? There was no chicken. Step into the vehicle please, sir.

John Howard: According to documentation submitted to the Live Foods Processing Authority, the chook in question was uncooked at the time of its journey and therefore will not incur a GST charge. However, if that chook actually crossed the road for profit, regardless of its raw/cooked status, the road crossing would be considered by the Australian Tax Office to be a service for which GST will be imposed… Stop making fun of my eyebrows.