It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, ‘God is crying.’ And if he asks why God is crying, I think another cute thing to tell him is, ‘Probably because of something you did.’

To me, boxing is like ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down ? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across the front of a beautiful sunset? And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk.

I guess of all my uncles, I loved Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he’d eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you’re coming home, his face might burn up.

If you’re a young Mafia gangster on your first date, I bet it’s real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

A man doesn’t automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. ‘Oh no,’ I said, ‘Disneyland has burnt down.’ He cried and cried, but I think deep down he thought it was a very pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting late.

I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what’s wrong with little bits of cheese ? They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit.

Instead of having ‘answers’ on a maths test, they should just call them ‘impressions’, and if you got a different ‘impression’, so what, can’t we all be brothers ?

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. ‘Mankind.’ Basically it’s made up of two separate words – ‘mank’ and ‘ind’. What do these words mean ? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.

If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into time, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that’s what really throws you into a panic.

If you’re robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it’s okay to laugh, and let the hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny.

When Rick told me he was having trouble with his wife, I had to laugh. Not because of what he said, but because of a joke I thought of. I told him the joke, but he didn’t laugh very much. Some friend he is.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don’t know what your rights are or who the person is you’re talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.

Consider the daffodil. And while you’re doing that, I’ll be over here, looking through your stuff.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me, ‘That guy sure owed me a lot of money.’

The tiger can’t change his spots. Oh wait, he did. Good for him.

As the light changed from red to green to amber and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of hooting and yelling ? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone’s neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing ?

Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the pavement in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a ‘shell’ if you will. But my shell isn’t made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.

I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they’re making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start yowling and running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would say, ‘Hey, let’s put him in the movie.’

If you’re a cowboy, and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, ‘Yes, my name’s Todd. Todd Blankenship.’ Oh, also I wish my last name was Blankenship.

If you want to be the popular one at a party, here’s a good thing to do: go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, ‘Well, technically that’s illegal.’ It might fit in with what somebody just said. And even if it doesn’t, so what, I hate this stupid party.

If I came back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone’s lip. Even if they smash you, ick! You’re all over their lip !

Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.

Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way.

Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First, take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but listen to yourself !

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, ‘It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.’

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away.

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?

I remember lying there and watching an anthill for hours. I would watch them scurrying back and forth, carrying things, digging new tunnels, and finally it hit me: these are the things that are biting me.

If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out.

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.