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I?m back at work today, trying to settle back into the grind of life. I had such a great time in Minnesota, though. I arrived on Friday morning at about nine am. The flight was more than half empty and my bag was already at baggage claim when I got there. So I headed for the curb and hadn?t been standing there five minutes when my mom pulled up. From the airport we went to breakfast, then to see my dad and aunt at work, and then we ran errands and shopped all day. I found a pair of slacks (hi, Kim!) at Sears for SIX BUCKS. No hemming required. Awww, yeah.

Friday night I just hung out with the fam and ate great food. Saturday morning I drove down to Red Wing to meet a friend from college (hi, Mike!). We had lunch at Perkins and had a great time catching up. Saturday night was girls night and we went to Buca de Beppo?s for dinner where they embarrassed me thoroughly before heading out for some karaoke. We had a rocking good time.

Sunday was the shower and that was so much fun. I got to see people I haven?t laid eyes on in YEARS! Friends from college and even high school came (hi, Molly and Kristen!), and even a girl I used to baby-sit who is now a Junior in high school (hi, Katie!). I can?t believe how old I am.

That night we celebrated my sister?s birthday (hi, Colleen!) and ate the best pizza in St. Paul. Then it got stormy and I stood out on my parent?s deck and let the rush and roar of the wind hit me. The sky got dark and my brother joined me out there (hi, Michael!) and we had a good talk. When it started raining we went back inside.

Monday morning I got up and my dad made me French toast and sausage with real maple syrup. I gorged myself and then we took a walk up in the woods. Everything smelled damp and earthy and it was wonderful.

After our walk I got my suitcase together and he took me to the airport. I was sad to go, but it?s good to be back in Jersey again. The bustle and the noise and the traffic and the funky smell in the air all say home. Hello funky smell!

Bitch And Goodbye For Now
I was in the car today (stuck in traffic, as usual) and while so occupied this sentence escaped my mouth: ?Dammit, bitch, grow a pair and just merge!? You?ll note that something doesn?t quite make sense here. The thing is this, though, as a woman, it is incredibly empowering to call a man, ?bitch?. In fact, it feels supremely wonderful. Just thought I?d share.

I?m leaving for Minnesota tomorrow morning and will be away until Tuesday. I?m going to hang out with my mom and dad, go shopping, eat rockin? food, meet a friend for lunch, see my sister and brother, attend my bridal shower and in general, be on vacation. I can?t freaking wait. Four whole days, just for me.

People Suck
The other day I was following a car with a ?Conquer Cancer? license plate. Can you guess what came flying out of the window at the next light? That?s right! A cigarette butt! It was almost as infuriating as the time I saw someone with a ?Save the Earth? license plate toss a cigarette out the window. I mean, seriously. What the hell? It?s not enough that you?re polluting yourself and your car, but you also feel that polluting my world is acceptable? People suck.

Snacks
You know what I miss? Pudding pops. I used to love those things. What is better than frozen pudding on a stick? I can?t think of anything. Well, okay. Maybe chocolate covered frozen cheesecake on a stick, but in a pinch, a frozen pudding pop makes a damn good snack.

Massage?
So, I was at the mall yesterday (I know, I know. I?m always at the mall. But I don?t enjoy it, so doesn?t that count for something?) and as I?m heading into one of the department stores I see one of those massage place things. There?s a guy with actual massage chairs and you can pay him fifteen bucks for a ten-minute massage.

And it occurred to me: any relaxation I might get from a nice little ten-minute massage will be instantly negated by the knowledge that some stranger is touching me. It?d be like, ?Oh, nice, I like that. Wait, bad touch! Bad touch!?

Ass-people
Tell me. What the hell is the matter with people? This morning I came out to find that someone had tossed part of a RAIN GUTTER into the bed of my pick up truck. Admittedly, the truck isn?t in the best of shape. It?s old and rusty and the bumper looks like it might fall off if someone breathed on it too hard. The hood is black, in sharp contrast to the faded red body, the result of an accident that happened years ago. The back end is covered with various stickers which are the product of going to a Southern graduate school. It?s a sad, sad little truck.


And living in Jersey has taught me to expect the odd piece of garbage, cigarette butt, or fast food bag thrown into the bed, but a rain gutter is a new one. For months I?d been coming out every morning to find animal poo on the hood. Not every morning, just random mornings. Never smashed or smeared into the hood, just carefully placed in the very center. And it?s never a pile, just one long piece, right in the middle. Someone has been meticulously vandalizing my truck. And now the rain gutter.

What the hell is the matter will all these ass-people?

Oh, My God, I?m a Yuppie
I just made an appointment with an ?Image Consultant?. Yes, it has come to this. The first step is admitting you have a problem and I guess I have to be honest and just come right out and say that I can?t dress myself. Everything in my wardrobe screams ?student?. The pieces that I?ve tried to integrate in aren?t working and I end up looking like a kid playing dress-up. The Image Consultant will help me decide what I want to look like (i.e. corporate exec, businesswoman, etc.) and then she?ll help me shop ? yes, shop ? for the new stuff. Can you believe that some people make livings off this? It?s a little hard for me to grasp. Harder still to grasp is the idea that I?m actually going to be purchasing her services. I?m feeling a very strange mix of embarrassment and resignation. I can?t do it myself. I need help. So I?m getting help. God help me.

An Oddly Shaped Body
Ugh. More shopping today. You may think that I spend money like Paris Hilton, but really, I shop more than I spend. I guess that warrants some explanation. The problem, you see, is that I?m not a very big person. I?m five foot nothing and weigh about 110 pounds. Needless to say, I wear petites. The problem is that in most petite sections there are clothes that are labeled ?petite? but that are really just ?fake petite?. I found a great suit today, but the skirt, whose hemline should have fallen at my knee, landed about mid-calf. I looked ridiculous.

Now, honestly, I have to have most pants altered. It?s just the way it is. No one makes pants that are the length I need them to be. But it?s only about six bucks for my guy to do the work. So if I?m spending thirty on a pair of pants, I?m not that upset about spending another six on alterations. What I refuse to do, though, is buy an eighty-dollar suit and have the whole thing altered because even though it says ?petite? it isn?t. F that noise. For eighty bucks, the suit should fit.

Sometimes I feel like writing a letter to all the designers out there. Dear Designers, I don?t know if you?re aware, but there are short people in this world. Yes! That?s right! Not everyone is tall and thin. Also, and this might come as a shock, these short people? Need to be clothed. Crazy, right? But, no, really. It?s true, I swear. So, the next time you?re designing something, maybe you could do all us short people a favor and make one for of us, too. That?d be swell. Love, The Petites of the World.

So, yeah, I went shopping today and bought almost nothing because nothing fit my oddly shaped body.

P.S. Thanks for all the comments on the hair-dryer problem. I decided to try walking away and letting the bathroom air out a little before going back in to do the drying. So far, so good.

Question/Problem
It?s possible that I?m alone out there with this particular problem, but I thought I?d post it anyway, just to see what the responses (if any) are like. In the morning I get up, take a shower and then dry my hair. My hairdresser guy says that I should not wrap my hair in a towel, but immediately start the ?back to beautiful? process as he calls it. The trouble is that since I have to be at work much earlier than Kevin, he?s still sleeping when I start my hair. So, I?m in an already steamy bathroom, trying to dry my hair. As a result, I sweat. This morning, by the time I was done not only was my face beaded with sweat and beyond shiny, but I could also feel rivers of sweat dripping down my back and stomach. Sexy.

I can?t leave the bathroom to dry my hair because the only other mirror is in the bedroom and that?s where Kevin is trying to sleep. This morning I felt like pamie when the shower ?didn?t take?. Someone help me. Tell me there?s something I can do. It makes me sad this hair issue. Am I alone? Do others have this problem? If I crack a window will it make any difference? Or should I just give up and resign myself to a lifetime of sweaty post-showers?

Work and Radio
First, the radio taping went well, although I did screw up quite a bit because he asked me to read aloud some of the verses while the music played in the background and it was a little like giving a dramatic reading and I?m just so far from being any kind of actress it?s not funny. The history stuff sounded okay, I think, and once they edit and send me a tape I won?t be completely embarrassed by it. Let?s all pray together for that, shall we?

And the first day on the job went okay, too. It was a little like camp or a field trip. I don?t really know what I?m doing yet so I sit at my empty desk and act like I?m busy?which isn?t completely unlike what I did at my old job except there I wasn?t busy because all the work was already done.

Other than that, not much is going on. I finished The DaVinci Code and was a little let down at the end. A friend had predicted as much and so I have to say, when you?re right, you?re right. Still, it?s a really interesting book and I?d highly recommend it. No, really.

I still don?t have an alarm clock. We were busy with wedding stuff all day Saturday (in fact, I?ve got all the hair pins from the practice hair thing in a pile on the dashboard of my truck and whenever I turn a corner they make a funny scraping sound as they all slide in unison from one end to the other) and Sunday I was in Brooklyn so I never did buy myself a new one. Also, my hair dryer is on the fritz. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn?t. So I?m having a very mechanically-challenged time here right now.

Still, life isn?t all bad. The Sopranos last night was awesome. I?m finishing up a pile of nachos (not the best dinner, I know), and I?ve got three-quarters of a practice wedding cake downstairs to enjoy as my dessert. Life, in many ways, is good.