Ass-people
Tell me. What the hell is the matter with people? This morning I came out to find that someone had tossed part of a RAIN GUTTER into the bed of my pick up truck. Admittedly, the truck isn?t in the best of shape. It?s old and rusty and the bumper looks like it might fall off if someone breathed on it too hard. The hood is black, in sharp contrast to the faded red body, the result of an accident that happened years ago. The back end is covered with various stickers which are the product of going to a Southern graduate school. It?s a sad, sad little truck.


And living in Jersey has taught me to expect the odd piece of garbage, cigarette butt, or fast food bag thrown into the bed, but a rain gutter is a new one. For months I?d been coming out every morning to find animal poo on the hood. Not every morning, just random mornings. Never smashed or smeared into the hood, just carefully placed in the very center. And it?s never a pile, just one long piece, right in the middle. Someone has been meticulously vandalizing my truck. And now the rain gutter.

What the hell is the matter will all these ass-people?

Oh, My God, I?m a Yuppie
I just made an appointment with an ?Image Consultant?. Yes, it has come to this. The first step is admitting you have a problem and I guess I have to be honest and just come right out and say that I can?t dress myself. Everything in my wardrobe screams ?student?. The pieces that I?ve tried to integrate in aren?t working and I end up looking like a kid playing dress-up. The Image Consultant will help me decide what I want to look like (i.e. corporate exec, businesswoman, etc.) and then she?ll help me shop ? yes, shop ? for the new stuff. Can you believe that some people make livings off this? It?s a little hard for me to grasp. Harder still to grasp is the idea that I?m actually going to be purchasing her services. I?m feeling a very strange mix of embarrassment and resignation. I can?t do it myself. I need help. So I?m getting help. God help me.

An Oddly Shaped Body
Ugh. More shopping today. You may think that I spend money like Paris Hilton, but really, I shop more than I spend. I guess that warrants some explanation. The problem, you see, is that I?m not a very big person. I?m five foot nothing and weigh about 110 pounds. Needless to say, I wear petites. The problem is that in most petite sections there are clothes that are labeled ?petite? but that are really just ?fake petite?. I found a great suit today, but the skirt, whose hemline should have fallen at my knee, landed about mid-calf. I looked ridiculous.

Now, honestly, I have to have most pants altered. It?s just the way it is. No one makes pants that are the length I need them to be. But it?s only about six bucks for my guy to do the work. So if I?m spending thirty on a pair of pants, I?m not that upset about spending another six on alterations. What I refuse to do, though, is buy an eighty-dollar suit and have the whole thing altered because even though it says ?petite? it isn?t. F that noise. For eighty bucks, the suit should fit.

Sometimes I feel like writing a letter to all the designers out there. Dear Designers, I don?t know if you?re aware, but there are short people in this world. Yes! That?s right! Not everyone is tall and thin. Also, and this might come as a shock, these short people? Need to be clothed. Crazy, right? But, no, really. It?s true, I swear. So, the next time you?re designing something, maybe you could do all us short people a favor and make one for of us, too. That?d be swell. Love, The Petites of the World.

So, yeah, I went shopping today and bought almost nothing because nothing fit my oddly shaped body.

P.S. Thanks for all the comments on the hair-dryer problem. I decided to try walking away and letting the bathroom air out a little before going back in to do the drying. So far, so good.

Question/Problem
It?s possible that I?m alone out there with this particular problem, but I thought I?d post it anyway, just to see what the responses (if any) are like. In the morning I get up, take a shower and then dry my hair. My hairdresser guy says that I should not wrap my hair in a towel, but immediately start the ?back to beautiful? process as he calls it. The trouble is that since I have to be at work much earlier than Kevin, he?s still sleeping when I start my hair. So, I?m in an already steamy bathroom, trying to dry my hair. As a result, I sweat. This morning, by the time I was done not only was my face beaded with sweat and beyond shiny, but I could also feel rivers of sweat dripping down my back and stomach. Sexy.

I can?t leave the bathroom to dry my hair because the only other mirror is in the bedroom and that?s where Kevin is trying to sleep. This morning I felt like pamie when the shower ?didn?t take?. Someone help me. Tell me there?s something I can do. It makes me sad this hair issue. Am I alone? Do others have this problem? If I crack a window will it make any difference? Or should I just give up and resign myself to a lifetime of sweaty post-showers?

Work and Radio
First, the radio taping went well, although I did screw up quite a bit because he asked me to read aloud some of the verses while the music played in the background and it was a little like giving a dramatic reading and I?m just so far from being any kind of actress it?s not funny. The history stuff sounded okay, I think, and once they edit and send me a tape I won?t be completely embarrassed by it. Let?s all pray together for that, shall we?

And the first day on the job went okay, too. It was a little like camp or a field trip. I don?t really know what I?m doing yet so I sit at my empty desk and act like I?m busy?which isn?t completely unlike what I did at my old job except there I wasn?t busy because all the work was already done.

Other than that, not much is going on. I finished The DaVinci Code and was a little let down at the end. A friend had predicted as much and so I have to say, when you?re right, you?re right. Still, it?s a really interesting book and I?d highly recommend it. No, really.

I still don?t have an alarm clock. We were busy with wedding stuff all day Saturday (in fact, I?ve got all the hair pins from the practice hair thing in a pile on the dashboard of my truck and whenever I turn a corner they make a funny scraping sound as they all slide in unison from one end to the other) and Sunday I was in Brooklyn so I never did buy myself a new one. Also, my hair dryer is on the fritz. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn?t. So I?m having a very mechanically-challenged time here right now.

Still, life isn?t all bad. The Sopranos last night was awesome. I?m finishing up a pile of nachos (not the best dinner, I know), and I?ve got three-quarters of a practice wedding cake downstairs to enjoy as my dessert. Life, in many ways, is good.

So Much To Do, So Little Time
This weekend should be very, very busy indeed. Today is my last day of work. Tomorrow, I have a practice hair appointment with the headpiece. I know, it sounds ridiculous, but this is how it?s done. If I like what they do, then I will book them for all the bridesmaids? hair, plus my own, on the day of the wedding. Thank God the ceremony isn?t until four in the afternoon.

From there I have to go pick up the practice cake from the bakery. Yes, you read that right. I ordered the wedding cake two weeks ago and while I was there they offered to make a practice cake. At first I was like whaa? But it turns out that it?ll just be a miniature version of the cake I ordered which we will then get to take home and eat. What bliss!

After picking up the cake, we have to pick out tuxedos. Hopefully, that won?t take long and we can then head home for laundry and house cleaning.

Sunday I head into Brooklyn to tape my segment for the radio show. I haven?t written about this much the last few months because I didn?t want to jinx it, but it?s definitely happening. I don?t know when it?ll air, but as soon as they tell me, I?ll post it.

On Monday I start my new job. I think I did this to myself on purpose. I tend to perseverate on potentially nerve-wracking events, so by keeping myself busy to the point of distraction, I can?t worry needlessly about my first day. It?s a little like the first day of school, though, isn?t it? After a whole summer of just playing and being yourself, you?re suddenly forced back into a room full of people who might not like you anymore. They?ve changed over the summer and maybe they?re cooler than you now. Maybe they don?t want to hang out with you anymore. Or worse, maybe they?ll openly shun you. My stomach still gets queasy at the thought of my middle school years.

A new job is a little like that. You?ve proven yourself in the interview, but what if your co-workers hate you? What if they think you?re a big fat smarty-pants? What if they don?t let you sit with them at lunch?

What happens then?!

Crying Over Spilled Water
First, for those of you concerned with today?s visit from the gross boss from hell, worry no more. I wore the baggiest thing I own and therefore only had to deal with his smell. Awww, yeah.

Second, Pumpkin was one perverse little kitty last night. I had a glass of water on the windowsill just above my nightstand and she decided it would be fun to play ?Tip the Glass?. The water landed all over my alarm clock, which naturally, is now broken. I?m not sure if this was her clever attempt to keep me home from work by making me oversleep, but it didn?t work. She is pure evil sometimes.

Overweight evil, that is. My cat is so fat that when I visited my parents last year and saw their cats my first thought was, ?Wow, these cats are anorexic.? Turns out, no. They?re normal. Pumpkin is fat. She?s Cartman on South Park fat. She?s Jabba the Hut fat. She?s ridiculously fat.

The vet just put her on prescription diet cat food. She rebelled immediately by leaving a pile of poo next to her food dish.

This cat likes her food. You mess with it and you get a pile of poo.

I Am Not Making This Up
Tomorrow, the day before my very last day in this hellhole some people call an office, my first boss here is coming back to make sure that everything I do all day long is documented and ready for the ?transfer of power? as some people are calling it.

This particular boss is rather squicky in nature. For example, he is not above staring. For extended periods of time. And then staring some more. At one point it felt like I had been keeping my arms crossed over my chest for the better part of six months. I am not making this up.

He doesn?t bathe on a regular basis so there?s always some funky smell emanating off of him. This isn?t helped by the fact that he will re-wear a shirt several days in a row. These shirts, though? Some of them are so old that they?re semi-transparent. There?s one in particular that used to be pale yellow. Now, you can see the two dark, parallel strips of back hair through it. I am not making this up.

In addition, to the body odor, back hair and uncomfortable staring, I have seen this man put his fingers in his nose, pull them out, and then put them in his mouth. I am not making this up.

When he was finally transfered to the New York office I breathed a sigh of relief heard 'round the world. Tomorrow, though, he's coming back.

God help us all.

Cart?
I had to go to the mall this weekend. The new job is much more professional and my clothes need to match my new position in the business world. Ordinarily, I hate going to the mall and this weekend wasn?t any different. I mean, people are all over the place, with their screaming and/or misbehaving children, you?ve got restless teenagers dressed like call girls and hoodlums, adults acting like kids themselves and various other miscreants and troublemakers.

I?m fairly used to this, though. Not long ago, in fact, a fight broke out between a youth who had been swearing loudly into his cell phone and a middle-aged longhaired guy in leather whose girlfriend had been offended by the swearing. We naturally stopped to enjoy the spectacle. Well, I didn't, but the person I was with did.

What I wasn?t prepared for this weekend, and what seems to be a new low, is the Cart Phenomenon. Apparently, the new thing to do when you get to the mall is hit Sears, make off with one of their carts, load your kids up into it and then use it as a makeshift stroller as you then browse and shop the rest of the stores in the mall.

If I had only seen one person doing this I might be able to let it go, but I counted three or four! What is the deal here? Can someone please explain it to me? All I can do is sadly shake my head and wonder what has happened to our society. First grocery carts and now this? The humanity!

Winter?s Death Rattle

We?ve been under a Winter Weather Watch for the passed few days now and last night the big wet flakes began their descent. In all honesty it?s a lot better than we feared. The temperature is hovering just at 33 degrees so that the snow isn?t settling when it hits the ground, but melting. The roads are a little sloppy but it?s much better than what we thought it was going to be.

As good as all that sounds, though, winter is supposed to be over starting tomorrow! Spring starts in less than twenty-four hours and here we are, laden with snow.

I know that when we?re in the middle of July, sweating our skin off we?ll be praying for weather like this, but right now I just want it gone! I?ve had enough of winter. I?m ready to re-experience the other seasons!

I?ve said it before and I?ll say it again, I shake my fist at you, Mother Nature! You are a filthy hoor!