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Bigal's Quotes and Jokes
Famous Last Words - I'll get a world record for this. Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press. Hey there's no handles inside these car doors! Gee, that's a cute tattoo. Let's ask that group of basketball players for directions. Here's my Kent state student ID. It's fireproof. He's probably just hibernating. What does this button do? I'm making a citizen's arrest. Can we get a vision plan? So, you're a cannibal. It's probably just a rash. Why am I standing on a plastic sheet? Are you sure the power is off? Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it? No, my shoes aren't untied. The odds of that happening have to be a million to one! What duck? What do you mean, "I'll be back"? Why is the rest of the Star Trek landing party wearing a different color? Pull the pin and count to what? Which wire was I supposed to cut? I wonder where the mother bear is. I've seen this done on TV. These are the good kind of mushrooms. I'll hold it and you light the fuse. What's that priest doing here? You look just like Charles Manson. Let it down slowly. Rat poison only kills rats. I hope they speak English. OK, I'll go ahead and make your day. It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights. I'll get your toast out. Give me liberty or give me death. Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town. It's strong enough for both of us. That birthmark on your head looks like 999. This doesn't taste right. I can make this light before it changes. Nice doggie. I can do that with my eyes closed. I've done this before. Well we've made it this far. That's odd. Hey that's not a violin. I'll just slip into the commuter lane for a second. I don't think we're in Kansas anymore. You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you. OK this is the last time. Don't be so superstitious. Now watch this. This planet has an atmosphere just like on earth.
Quotes About Men - Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles. --Roseanne Barr I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone. --Elayne Boosler If men were as great lovers as they think they are, we women wouldn't have time to do our hair. --Marlene Dietrich If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? --Linda Ellerbee I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back. --Zsa Zsa Gabor Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. --Katherine Hepburn Boys will be boys and so will a lot of middle aged men. --Kin Hubbard I don't want to sound sexist here, but I think men do make better mall Santas: Men have bigger bellies, men are used to sitting for long periods of time, and men have lots of experience making promises they have no intention of keeping. --Jay Leno There's a large amount of evidence saying that the man's point of view is largely irrelevant. --Ralph Noble Men are gluttons for punishment. They fight over women for the chance to fight with them. --Vincent Price A bachelor needs inspiration in order to seduce a woman, a married man only needs an excuse. --Helen Rowland There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfeld It's not the men in my life that counts, it's the life in my men. --Mae West Ass, n.: The masculine of "lass". --Unknown Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something which you'd like to have dinner with. --Unknown A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. --Unknown
Quotes About Women - As soon as a woman thinks sufficiently fast, one calls it intuition. --Barbro Alving We women talk too much, nevertheless we only say half of what we know. --Nancy Astor If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. --Dave Barry I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both. --Samuel Butler Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may love you instead of laugh at you. --Mrs. Patrick Campbell The trouble with some women is they get all excited about nothing, and then they marry him. --Cher Women want men, career, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love and cheap stockings that don't run. --Phyllis Diller Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. --Robert A. Heinlein Plain women know more about men than beautiful ones do. But beautiful women don't need to know about men. It's the men who have to know about beautiful women. --Katherine Hepburn Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. --Katherine Hepburn A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often. --Oliver Herford Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it. --Lyndon B. Johnson You meet a lot of smart guys with stupid wives, but you almost never meet a smart woman with a stupid husband. --Erica Jong Large increases in cost with questionable increases in performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women. --Lord Kelvin On one issue at least, men and women agree; they both distrust women. --H.L. Mencken I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. --Jerry Seinfeld If you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman. --Margaret Thatcher A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. --Lana Turner I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat. --Rebecca West, 1913 If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. --Robin Williams A woman never forgets her age once she decides what it is. --Unknown
Quotes About Money - What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel. --Frank Adams A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year. --Marty Allen Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex. You thought of nothing else if you didn't have it and thought of other things if you did. --James Baldwin I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: 'How can I get in on that?' --Dave Barry Credit cards are VERY dangerous. Every time I try to use one somebody starts chasing me with scissors. --J. Bothne Many speak the truth when they say that they despise riches, but they mean the riches possessed by other men. --Charles Caleb Colton Happiness can't buy money. --Bob Hope Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss. --Lazarus Long 'Time Enough For Love' We survived the 1980's. Back then, the economic program was called 'trickle down.' That actually meant they were pissing on you. How the whole theory goes was this: 'We have all the money. If we drop some, it's yours. Go for it.' --Bill Maher If the nation's economists were laid end to end, they would point in all directions. --Arthur H. Motley Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny -- Did you ever try buying then without money? --Ogden Nash In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular. --Kathy Norris The wages of sin are death, but after taxes are taken out, it's just a tired feeling. --Paula Poundstone Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund. --F. J. Raymond Money can't buy happiness but it will get you a better class of memories. --Ronald Reagan Nuclear physics is much easier than tax law. It's rational and always works the same way. --Jerold Rochwald The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. --Will Rogers A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation. --Howard Scott The breakfast of champions is not cereal, it's the opposition. --Nick Seitz My mistake was buying stock in the company. Now I'm worried about the lousy work I'm turning out. --Marvin Townsend A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. --Mark Twain I'm opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the same opportunity. --Mark Twain If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. --Earl Wilson I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by four o'clock. --Henny Youngman If poverty is a blessing in disguise, the disguise is perfect. --Henny Youngman Budget: A method for going broke methodically. --Unknown A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward. --Unknown Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math. --Unknown Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions. --Unknown While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery. --Unknown Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. --Unknown
Quotes About Pets - Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. --Dave Barry A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. --Robert Benchley Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later. --Mary Bly In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. --Dereke Bruce Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well. --Missy Dizick Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. --Robert A. Heinlein To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. --Aldous Huxley Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want. --Joseph Wood Krutch Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia. --Joseph Wood Krutch No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. --Fran Lebowitz Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. --Sue Murphy I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. --Rita Rudner Ever consider what dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! --Anne Tyler Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. --Jeff Valdez If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer. --Alfred North Whitehead Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it. --Unknown Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. --Unknown Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God. --Unknown There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. --Unknown
Quotes About Politics - Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. --Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will always do it. --Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C. Alliance, n.: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third. --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Boundary, n.: In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another. --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Peace, n.: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" In politics stupidity is not a handicap. --Napoleon Bonapart It's amazing how many people beat you at golf now that you're no longer president. --George Bush Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. --Winston Churchill Congressmen have been bought and sold so many times they should have bar codes. --Contemporary Comedy When I was a boy I was told anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. --Clarence Darrow All a man needs to be elected President is the kind of profile that looks good on a postage stamp. --B.B. Franklin Ninety percent of politics is deciding who to blame. --Meg Greenfield, in Newsweek Every politician who runs for the presidency says he wants to turn the country around. That's why we have so many problems. The country's been turned around so many times, it's going in circles. --Joe Hickman The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin. --Steven Israel Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. --John F. Kennedy I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache. --Jack Mayberry Former President Carter said that Bill Clinton brought disgrace to the White House with his last minute pardon of Marc Rich. After hearing this, President Clinton denied the accusation and said that was not how he brought disgrace to the White House. --Conan O'Brien Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs. --P.J. O'Rourke When I die, I want to be buried in Chicago so I can still be active in politics. --Representative Charlie Rangel Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book. --Ronald Reagan My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes. --Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US congress. --Ronald Reagan I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting. --Ronald Reagan Politics ain't worrying this country one-tenth as much as where to find a parking space. --Will Rogers There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. --Will Rogers When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer "Present" or "Not guilty." --Theodore Roosevelt The most successful politician is he who says what everybody is thinking most often and in the loudest voice. --Theodore Roosevelt Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it. --George Bernard Shaw In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one of the risks he takes. --Adlai Stevenson A politician is a statesman who approaches every question with an open mouth. --Adlai Stevenson After spending a year in Washington, I long for the realism and sensitivity of Hollywood. --Tennessee Sen. Fred Thompson, also known for his acting career Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then – we elected them. --Lily Tomlin Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. --Mark Twain It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. --Mark Twain (Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar) President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting. --The Washington Post Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time. --E. B. White America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between. --Oscar Wilde An American is a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops. --Unknown Every baby born in America is endowed with life, liberty, and a share of the national debt. --Unknown In politics everything is possible -- until you get elected. --Unknown No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. --Unknown Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. --Unknown A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other. --Unknown The head of a goverment office retired recently. His staff threw a party for him, gave him a watch, and told him what his job had been. --Unknown
Quotes of Leadership - If it's a good idea, go ahead and do it. It is much easier to apologize than it is to get permission. - Admiral Grace Hopper The most important quality in a leader is that of being acknowledged as such. - Andre Maurois You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do. - Eleanor Roosevelt Leadership in today's world requires far more than a large stock of gunboats and a hard fist at the conference table. - Hubert H. Humphrey All of the great leaders have had one characteristic in common: it was the willingness to confront unequivocally the major anxiety of their people in their time. This, and not much else, is the essence of leadership. - John Kenneth Galbraith, U.S. economist “The Age of Uncertainty” The real leader has no need to lead - he is content to point the way. - Henry Miller It's amazing how many cares disappear when you decide not to be something, but to be someone. - Coco Chanel Most of the ladies and gentlemen who mourn the passing of the nation's leaders wouldn't know a leader if they saw one. If they had the bad luck to come across a leader, they would find out that he might demand something from them, and this impertinence would put an abrupt and indignant end to their wish for his return. - Lewis H. Lapham Leadership consists not in degrees of technique but in traits of character; it requires moral rather than athletic or intellectual effort, and it imposes on both leader and follower alike the burdens of self-restraint. - Lewis H. Lapham I am a leader by default, only because nature does not allow a vacuum. - Bishop Desmond Tutu If one is lucky, a solitary fantasy can totally transform one million realities. - Maya Angelou People ask the difference between a leader and a boss. . . . The leader works in the open, and the boss in covert. The leader leads, and the boss drives. - Theodore Roosevelt The final test of a leader is that he leaves behind him in other men the conviction and the will to carry on. . . . The genius of a good leader is to leave behind him a situation which common sense, without the grace of genius, can deal with successfully. - Walter Lippmann There is no such thing as a perfect leader either in the past or present, in China or elsewhere. If there is one, he is only pretending, like a pig inserting scallions into its nose in an effort to look like an elephant. - Liu Shao-ch'i There's no such thing as a race and barely such a thing as an ethnic group. If we were dogs, we'd be the same breed. . . . Trouble doesn't come from Slopes, Kikes, Niggers, Spics or White Capitalist Pigs; it comes from the heart. - P. J. O'Rourke (b. 1947), U.S. journalist. Holidays in Hell, Introduction (1988). Our flag is red, white and blue, but our nation is a rainbow-red, yellow, brown, black and white-and we're all precious in God's sight. - Jesse Jackson (b. 1941), U.S. clergyman, civil rights leader. Speech, 16 July 1984. If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun. - Katharine Hepburn E pluribus unum. (Out of many, one.) - Motto for the Seal of the United States. Adopted 20 June 1782, recommended by John Adams, Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson, 10 Aug. 1776, and proposed by Swiss artist Pierre Eugene du Simitière. It had originally appeared on the title page of the Gentleman's Journal (Jan. 1692). If we cannot end now our differences, at least we can help make the world safe for diversity. - John F. Kennedy (1917-63), U.S. Democratic politician, president. Speech, 10 June 1963, American University, Washington, D.C., on Russo-American relations. In organizations, real power and energy is generated through relationships. The patterns of relationships and the capacities to form them are more important than tasks, functions, roles, and positions. - Margaret Wheatly Leadership and the New Science Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with the important matters. - Albert Einstein Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely. - Karen Kaiser Clark The quality of leadership, more than any other single factor, determines the success or failure of an organization. - Fred Fiedler & Martin Chemers Improving Leadership Effectiveness Don't be afraid to take a big step when one is indicated. You can't cross a chasm in two small steps. - David Loyd George There is no contest between the company that buys the grudging compliance of its work force and the company that enjoys the enterprising participation of its employees - Ricardo Sempler Excellence is not an accomplishment. It is a spirit, a never-ending process. - Lawrence M. Miller You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm. - Colette The first responsibility of a leader is to define reality. The last is to say thank you. - Max DePree When what you are doing isn't working, you tend to do more of the same and with greater intensity. - Dr. Bill Maynard & Tom Champoux Heart, Soul and Spirit Every organization must be prepared to abandon everything it does to survive in the future. - Peter Drucker A friend of mine characterizes leaders simply like this: "Leaders don't inflict pain. They bear pain." - Max DePree Ah well! I am their leader, I really ought to follow them! - Alexandre Auguste Ledru-Rollin Dictators ride to and fro upon tigers which they dare not dismount. And the tigers are getting hungry. - Winston Churchill A new leader has to be able to change an organization that is dreamless, soulless and visionless ... someone's got to make a wake up call. - Warren Bennis I used to think that running an organization was equivalent to conducting a symphony orchestra. But I don't think that's quite it; it's more like jazz. There is more improvisation. - Warren Bennis When the effective leader is finished with his work, the people say it happened naturally. - Lao Tse Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their jobs done - Peter Drucker I start with the premise that the function of leadership is to produce more leaders, not more followers - Ralph Nader Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity - George Patton To lead people, walk beside them ... As for the best leaders, the people do not notice their existence. The next best, the people honor and praise. The next, the people fear; and the next, the people hate ... When the best leader's work is done the people say, "We did it ourselves!" - Lao-tsu Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes... but no plans. - Peter Drucker Hell, there are no rules here--we're trying to accomplish something. - Thomas A. Edison Good plans shape good decisions. That's why good planning helps to make elusive dreams come true. - Lester R. Bittel The Nine Master Keys of Management Never mistake knowledge for wisdom. One helps you make a living; the other helps you make a life. - Sandra Carey Understanding human needs is half the job of meeting them. - Adlai Stevenson Leadership is understanding people and involving them to help you do a job. That takes all of the good characteristics, like integrity, dedication of purpose, selflessness, knowledge, skill, implacability, as well as determination not to accept failure. - Admiral Arleigh A. Burke Lead and inspire people. Don't try to manage and manipulate people. Inventories can be managed but people must be lead. - Ross Perot We must become the change we want to see. - Mahatma Gandhi Drowning in data, yet starved of information - Ruth Stanat in The Intelligent Organization A competent leader can get efficient service from poor troops, while on the contrary an incapable leader can demoralize the best of troops. - General of the Armies John J. Pershing The quality of a person's life is in direct proportion to their commitment to excellence, regardless of their chosen field of endeavor. - Vincent T. Lombardi Where there is no vision, the people perish. - Proverbs 29:18 I have lived some thirty years on this planet, and I yet to hear the first syllable of valuable or even earnest advice from my seniors. - Henry David Thoreau Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless. - Mother Theresa An empowered organization is one in which individuals have the knowledge, skill, desire, and opportunity to personally succeed in a way that leads to collective organizational success. - Stephen R. Covey, Principle-centered Leadership Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. - Abraham Lincoln One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar. - Helen Keller It is important that an aim never be defined in terms of activity or methods. It must always relate directly to how life is better for everyone. . . . The aim of the system must be clear to everyone in the system. The aim must include plans for the future. The aim is a value judgment. - W. Edwards Deming The very essence of leadership is its purpose. And the purpose of leadership is to accomplish a task. That is what leadership does--and what it does is more important than what it is or how it works. - Colonel Dandridge M. Malone We know not where our dreams will take us, but we can probably see quite clearly where we'll go without them. - Marilyn Grey It is not a question of how well each process works, the question is how well they all work together. - Lloyd Dobens and Clare Crawford-Mason Thinking About Quality Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. - Muriel Strode The leader has to be practical and a realist, yet must talk the language of the visionary and the idealist. - Eric Hoffer In war, three quarters turns on personal character and relations; the balance of manpower and materials counts only for the remaining quarter. - Napoleon I To manage a system effectively, you might focus on the interactions of the parts rather than their behavior taken separately. - Russell L. Ackoff The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them. - Albert Einstein The final test of a leader is that he leaves behind him in other men the conviction and will to carry on. - Walter J. Lippmann Leadership should be born out of the understanding of the needs of those who would be affected by it. - Marian Anderson You may have afresh start any moment you choose, for this thing that we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down. - Mary Pickford People are more easily led than driven. - David Harold Fink Leadership has a harder job to do than just choose sides. It must bring sides together. - Jesse Jackson What is character but the determination of incident what is incident but the illustration of character? - Henery James The trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more. - Erica Jong No man will make a great leader who wants to do it all himself, or to get all the credit for doing it. - Andrew Carnegie The first responsibility of a leader is to define reality. - Max DePree The Art of Leadership Processes don't do work, people do. - John Seely Brown Leadership is practiced not so much in words as in attitude and in actions. - Harold Geneen The task of the leader is to get his people from where they are to where they have not been. - Henry Kissinger The quality of a leader is reflected in the standards they set for themselves. - Ray Kroc, Founder of McDonald's Jingshen is the Mandarin word for spirit and vivacity. It is an important word for those who would lead, because above all things, spirit and vivacity set effective organizations apart from those that will decline and die. - James L. Hayes Memos for Management: Leadership Uncertainty will always be part of the taking charge process. - Harold Geneen Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. - Thomas Alva Edison You can use all the quantitative data you can get, but you still have to distrust it and use your own intelligence and judgment. - Alvin Toffler Remember that it is far better to follow well than to lead indifferently. - John G. Vance The only real training for leadership is leadership. - Anthony Jay Quality has to be caused, not controlled. - Philip Crosby Reflections on Quality Probably my best quality as a coach is that I ask a lot of challenging questions and let the person come up with the answer. - Phil Dixon Don't be afraid of the space between your dreams and reality. If you can dream it you can make it so. - Belva Davis The future is taking shape now in our own beliefs and in the courage of our leaders. Ideas and leadership -- not natural or social 'forces' -- are the prime movers in human affairs. - George Roche, A World Without Heroes The art of leading, in operations large or small, is the art of dealing with humanity, of working diligently on behalf of men, of being sympathetic with them, but equally, of insisting that they make a square facing toward their own problems. - S. L. A. Marshall Men Against Fire And when we think we lead, we are most led. - Lord Byron Never hire or promote in your own image. It is foolish to replicate your strength and idiotic to replicate your weakness. It is essential to employ, trust, and reward those whose perspective, ability, and judgment are radically different from yours. It is also rare, for it requires uncommon humility, tolerance, and wisdom. - Dee W. Hock, Fast Company All serious daring starts from within. - Eudora Welty ... As we, the leaders, deal with tomorrow, our task is not to try to make perfect plans. ...Our task is to create organizations that are sufficiently flexible and versatile that they can take our imperfect plans and make them work in execution. That is the essential character of the learning organization. - Gordon R. Sullivan & Michael V. Harper In matters of style, swim with the current; In matters of principle, stand like a rock. - T. Jefferson If you think you can do a thing or that you cannot do a thing, in either case you are right. - Henry Ford When nothing is sure, everything is possible. - Margaret Drabble Think of managing change as an adventure. It tests your skills and abilities. It brings forth talent that may have been dormant. Change is also a training ground for leadership. When we think of leaders, we remember times of change, innovation and conflict. Leadership is often about shaping a new way of life. To do that, you must advance change, take risks and accept responsibility for making change happen. - Charles E. Rice, CEO of Barnett Bank Give us the tools, and we will finish the job. - Winston Churchill Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced. - James Baldwin The world is round and the place which may seem like the end, may also be only the beginning. - Ivy Baker Priest
Quotes About Religion - To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. --Woody Allen Impiety: Your irreverence toward my deity. --Ambrose Bierce If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will exceed all expectations. --Reverend Chichester When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?" --Quentin Crisp Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? --Jules Feiffer Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth. And you should save it for someone you love. --Butch Hancock Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life. --Andrew Lias God is dead, but fifty thousand social workers have risen to take his place. --Dr J D McCoughey Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. --H.L. Mencken When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me. --Emo Phillips She said role-playing games were the creation of Satan. Dead clever of him. I mean, sitting down there in Hell, working out all the combat tables and everything. I bet he used to really swear every time the dice caught fire... --Terry Pratchett, "Only You Can Save Mankind" As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. --Unknown I used to be an atheist but I gave it up. No holidays. --Unknown Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car. --Unknown
Cartoon Laws of Physics - Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in mid air, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful. All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion- pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container. Everything falls faster than an anvil. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead. A sharp object will always propel a character upward. When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.
Mercedes Benz Driving Test - 1. Before changing lanes you should: (A) signal. (B) check for traffic. (C) both a & b. (D) just swing into the lane without doing either a or b. 2. The top light on a traffic signal is: (A) red. (B) yellow. (C) green. (D) Who cares, it doesn't apply to me anyway. 3. The speed limit in a residential area is: (A) 35 MPH. (B) 25 MPH. (C) 45 MPH. (D) I paid $65,000 for this car, I'll drive as fast as I want. 4. In California, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you should: (A) slow to a walking pace. (B) go around the block. (C) stop. (D) speed up and honk your horn. 5. In the other 49 states, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you should: (A) maintain your speed. (B) slow a little. (C) slow a lot. (D) speed up and don't bother honking your horn. 6. Your may make a left turn from the right lane: (A) never. (B) when there is a left turn arrow. (C) on Sunday at 2 A.M. (D) When ever you damn well feel like it. 7. When a school bus has flashing red lights, you: (A) must stop. (B) may pass on the left after checking. (C) may pass after slowing to 5 MPH. (D) use your car phone to order Chinese food while passing on the left. 8. When you hear an emergency vehicle siren, you should: (A) pull to the right and stop. (B) pull into the nearest car wash. (C) roll down your windows. (D) turn up the radio and ignore it. 9. You may make a U-turn in front of a fire station: (A) never. (B) when the doors are closed. (C) if there are no police around. (D) when you have missed your turn. 10. When approaching a traffic light where cars are stopped, you should: (A) relax. (B) watch the signal. (C) stop a safe distance back from the car in front. (D) call your wife/secretary on your car phone so everyone can see that you have a car phone. 11. When turning onto a side street, you should signal: (A) two blocks before turning. (B) two car lengths before turning. (C) two miles before turning. (D) what for, if the guy behind me hits me, I'll sue him. 12. A U-turn in a business district is legal: (A) only at an intersection. (B) always. (C) never. (D) if I pass a sale at the jewelers. 13. Parking in a red-zone is permitted: (A) never. (B) on Sunday. (C) if there is a fire hydrant. (D) when I'll only be there for five minutes. 14. What is your annual gross income: (A) $10,000-20,000. (B) $20,000-40,000. (C) $40,000-80,000. (D) $80,000 and up. Scoring If you answered 'd' on every question, you have a perfect score. You are certified to drive a Mercedes Benz Automobile. You may, at your discretion, proceed to your nearest Mercedes Benz authorized distributor and select the Mercedes Benz Automobile of your choice. If you answered a, b, or c on two or fewer questions, you may request a retest in two weeks time. Please study the Mercedes Benz motor vehicle guide in preparation for your retest. If you answered a, b, or c on more than two questions, we're sorry, you just don't have the proper attitude to be a Mercedes Benz Automobile driver. Perhaps you should consider a BMW.
You Know You're Too Stressed When - Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest. You can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up. You say the same sentence over and over again not realizing that you have said it before. The Sun is too loud. Trees begin chasing you. You can see individual air molecules vibrating. You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee. You can hear mimes. You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly. Things become "Very Clear". You ask the Drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go. The less sense matter and matter is more than sense. You begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand. You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" even though you are the only one in the room. Your heart beats in 7/8 time. David Lynch comes up to you and says: "Hey!, can I film you?" You and Reality file for divorce. You can skip without a rope. It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code. You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and Everthing else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before. You can travel without moving. Antiacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition. You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies. You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night. Teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies. You have an irresistable urge to bite the nose of the people you are talking to.
Barbies We'd Like To See - Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials. Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken. Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback. Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet. Our Barbies Ourselves: Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out, comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass, and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening way. Also included: tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual responsibility. Accessories such as contraceptives, sex toys, expanding uterus with fetus at various stages of development, and breastpump are all optional, underscoring that each young woman has the right to chose what she does with her own Barbie. Rebbe Barbie: So why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism. Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezzuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse. Sister Mary Barbie: This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini- rosary beads, a mini-bible, and a black sequined nun's habit (after all, she's still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing because she's taken a vow of silence. Homegirl Barbie: Truly fly Barble in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says things like "I don't think so," "Dang, get outta my face," and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to take crap from men and condesending White people. Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe. Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over, she says "Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!" Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, generous breast and butt, and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, Bucket o' Fried Chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a brick of Sealtest ice cream, three packs of potato chips, a t-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat," and, of course, an appetite. Admin Barbie: Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken's salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini-laptop. Pull the string on her back and she'll Schedule+ a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-org and a move, and order airline tickets for Director Ken. Temp Barbie: This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini-resume, and mini-filing cabinet filled with the past five-years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be collated. Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats for her ex's new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on her left hand ring finger). Twelve-Step Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she says, "Hi, I'm Barbie and I'm an alcoholic." Comes with a "One Day At A Time" bumper sticker, a 30-day chip, and a pack of smokes. Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment, where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets, and an arrest warrant. Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other homesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use out on the Plains and how to take care of their nails while shoeing a horse. America's Most Wanted Barbie: She's on the run after 30 years of crime against feminism. Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks! Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class is, Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, Kens who wear Barbie's clothes. My So-Called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues as regular teens who don't have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools, and ponies. Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American dream is explored with this doll, which shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high school, married too young and ate too much. Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set (she's 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously disappear.