Christel - Behind The Music
Full Name: Christel Michelle Roberts. (Inspired by the Doors' tune, "Crystal Ship"...spelling alteration credit belongs to my mother, who feared all manner of Morrison-esque negative connotations.)
Birthday: July 2, 1978.
Respective Birthplace: Birmingham, Alabama. Or "The Ham" as we rambunctious inner-city youth call it. Deliciously ironic for an avowed vegetarian, no?
Current Occupation: I pen an assortment of nonsensical tripe for fun and profit. Because the fast pace of punk rock stardom proved none-too-challenging for my hardcore Southern sensibilities.
Hobbies: Long walks on the beach, clowns.
Amazing Fun Facts: My shoe size is 7 1/2, I'm allergic to penicillin, and I rode a baby elephant once.
People I'd Like To Fuck At Some As Yet Undetermined Point In Time: Ryan Dunn, that guy from those Verizon commercials ("Can ya hear me now?"), myself (to see if I'm any good at it).
Body Modification Run-Down: Three disfigure-iffic tattoos, and a smattering of metallic fetish objects thither and yon.
Personal Heroes: Hunter S. Thompson, Matt Groening, Xena Warrior Princess, and the inventor of chocolate syrup.
Favorite Sexual Kink: Eyeglasses. And the boys who wear them.
Various Claims To Fame: As Supreme High Editor of Perversion Weekly, my mostly ceremonial duties included investigating the seedy underbelly of hairy booty obsession and using the word "twat" a record-shattering number of times per article.
Moving on to the prestigious Anti Pages required down-wit-tha-man rhetoric ad nauseam, coupled with my usual brand of twisted, and woefully misunderstood, comeditude...but this time with an amusing alias. Hilarious and short-lived. Just like democracy.
Naturally, when the performing-in-front-of-drunken-strangers bug bit, the only plausible cure involved dusting off the ol' Steve Vai Special and fronting a little outfit entitled Bio-Cursed Monkeys. Yours truly did the lyric-slinging, whilst the indomitable Kevin MacGyver and Matthew "Fuji" Pope did the banging and twanging.
Nowadays, I blow the majority of my free-time load webmistressing this particular shebang and plunking away at Baby's First Novel. ("Holy Fucking Allah!" raves Christopher Gallinari of hey-he-used-to-date-me fame, "This novel, or that one chapter I've read of it, is pretty evil. Seven thumbs up?")
Closing Statement: Support your local artist-types...you selfish bastard.
Home Sweet Home
