"Welcome!" Galadri-hell smiled as she flung open the door. She hugged Frieda and then gasped when she saw Sam. "SAM!!!!!!!" She hugged him tight and pinched his butt. She'd always had a thing for short fat hairy-footed homosexual hobbits...
"Galadri-hell!" Her husband, Celibate, appeared next to her in the doorway. "What are you doing?"
"Oh fuck off,"
They have issues.

Frieda and Sam made their way through the 'party forest' as one drunken elf described it and found their usual gang of friends sitting under a large tree getting stoned and pissed at the same time (all they need now is a packet of sherbet lemons and their lives would be complete!)
A beautiful young girl with a tiny t-shirt on bearing the legend 'I LOVE LEGOLAS' ran screaming up to Legohash.
"OH MY GOD, IT'S LEGOLAS! OH MY GOD!"
Another girl appeared on Legohash's other side. "Have sex with us!"
Legohash sighed. "Look, I'm really sorry, but I'm not Legolas. I'm Legohash. The drugged-up elven prince from Berkwood!"
"Still getting that, then?" Frieda sat down next to him as soon as the girls had sulked and walked away pouting.
Legohash took a long swig from his bottle of whisky. "Can't wait for this whole Lord of the Rings thing to blow over."
"Good luck with that." Frieda laughed. He looked around. Something seemed wrong. "Hey," he said. "Where's Ganja? I thought he was coming with his secret weapon..."
"I know, he wouldn't shut up about it all day," Araporn said, grinning because Arwank was sitting in his lap and nobody could see what he was doing to her. "But I haven't seen him yet."
"What about Borrow-Queer?" Frieda asked.
Complete silence. Nobody looked him in the eye.
"He- He's not in jail, is he?"
"No," Araporn said stubbornly. "He's getting laid."

Well, actually, no he wasn't. He was sitting on a grassy hill on the outskirts of Loreal with a very pretty woman (who had just broken out of prison. They're perfect for each other!). The trouble was, Borrow-Queer didn't know how a woman felt (every time he tried the doorbell rang) so he ended up doing what he had been brought up on...

Meanwhile, back in 'party forest', Araporn and Arwank were getting pretty pornographic themseves...

"Oh jesus," Very Merry groaned. "Will you two just get a room?"
Arwank and Araporn looked at each other and smiled. "OK," they said in one voice.
"Come on," Arwank whispered as she led him away. "You can spunk in a glass of beer and leave it for someone to drink in true teenage gross out movie style..."

While they were gone, Pipe-in fell off his chair for no reason and crashed into Galadri-Hell, who could have easily recovered, but made a big scene, swaying and screaming and then accidentally on purpose falling on top of Sam.
"Oh dear!" she said, pressing her breasts against him. "Are you alright?"
"I-I'm fine," Sam said, practically shoving her off him. He looked up at Frieda to see if he was hurt, but to be quite frank (even though my name's Rachel), Frieda didn't give a shit. His attention was now fixed on the lovely Dozy. A beautiful (no account for taste) young hobbit girl who works at a bar (at least I think she does. Either that or she just likes to hang around outside pubs cleaning glasses for no reason).

In the LotR films, you never see a shot of Rosie's feet. Just thought I'd mention this. Am I the only person that laughs at the thought of Rosie with big fat hairy hobbit feet?

Anyways, back to the script (actually, there isn't a script, can't you tell I just make this up as I go alo- OH FOR GOD'S SAKES, BRAIN!!! Can't you say anything without going completely off the subject and rambing on for hours about something entirely irrelevant?!)

Ahem, as I was saying before I rudely interrupted myself, Dozy, believe or not, used to date Sam. This was obviously before Sam came out of the closet. Well... he hasn't really come out, has he? Frieda has no idea how he feels (although I'm sure he can guess) so in a way, Sam's still in the closet, hiding in the corner behind the coats with a spatula for protection.

This is how Frieda is with Dozy. Only he knows how he feels for her- oh and, er, me... and, um... you lot because I just told you...

DAMMIT!!!

Anyways, Frieda determindely got to his feet and decided to go talk to her...
"What? No way! I didn't decide to do that.

Dozy looked up as Frieda walked over to her and smiled. One of her girlish non-footed hobbit friends said something and all of them giggled in a girlish non-footed hobbit way. Frieda laughed as well. He didn't know what he was laughing at, but I do. Heehee... one of the girls was saying "Oh my god, that dorky big-eyed hairy-footed junkie hobbit's coming over!" and all of them had giggled.

So you can imagine the looks they gave him when he started laughing with them.

Now then, I like to torture Frieda, I like to threaten him, mock him, humiliate him, severely injure him, but if there's one thing I can't stand, it's when people laugh at my ickle Frieda! He may be my personal punchbag but I will NOT let stupid girlish non-footed hobbits laugh at him! Sooooo....

I gave them all heart attacks, of course.

Defeated and desolate, Frieda sadly went back to the others and sat down. Sam patted him on the shoulder. "There, there, Mr Frieda." he said. "There's plenty more freaks in the circus..."

Just then, Borrow-Queer arrived and sat down looking just as beaten as Frieda.
"Women are stupid," he sighed.
"Yeah," said Frieda.
"HELL YEAH!!!" Sam cried, raising his beer bottle high.
"What happened?" Galadri-hell asked, still refusing to move from Sam's lap.
"That college girl said I wasn't sensitive," Borrow-Queer replied.
"Sensitive!" Galadri-Hell laughed. "Girls don't like sensitive guys! Give it to us RAW!!!"
Everyone tried to ignore her. She was never sober... or sane...
"Why did she say you weren't sensitive?" Very Merry asked.
"I don't know. All I said was 'Let me steal your ring,' and she flipped out."
Galadri-hell burst out laughing. "Let me steal your ring?! You dick! Jeez, no wonder you guys are all still virgins! You need to take the shrink wrap from your dicks and fucking use them!"
"Hey!" said Legohash. "I've had plenty of offers from girls! I just haven't found the right one yet!"
"You mean one who doesn't think you're Legolas from Lord of the Rings," Galadri-hell muttered.
Legohash pouted and said no more.
Celibate came over at that point. "Galadri-hell," he said. "Why are you sitting in Sam's lap."
"Go away, Celibate."
"But-"
"Go away,"
"But-"
"Go away,"
"But-"
"Go away,"
"But-"
"Go a- OH MY GOD!!!"

Everyone turned to see what she was ohmygodding at and came across a terrifying sight...
Gimpli, the dwarf everyone loves to hate (who looks remarkably like me) was with a WOMAN.... AND she was actually good looking! DUM DUM DUMN!!!!
He saw them gaping at him with mouths hanging open in silent screams. He grinned and walked off with the woman.
"Ohhhgggg... maggugle... nishganak..." Was all Very Merry had to say on the subject.
"If..." Frieda stammered. "If Gimpli has sex before I do, then... I...." he trailed off. He didn't know what he'd do.
Borrow-Queer managed a smile. "Oh come on... Gimpli?! Gimpli, son of Groin?!"
They all laughed. There was no way an ugly fucker like Gimpli would get laid before them...

But he did. I know in American Pie, the 'Shermanator' lies about having sex with the pretty girl but in my story everything does a 180 tailspin. Besides, I thought it would be nice for Gimpli to be happy for a change. We are kindred spirits after all...

Not going to be very nice for the girl but oh well...