Frieda was sad. Borrow-Queer was happy. Legohash was jealous. Ganja was stoned as usual. Araporn was all aloof and rugged. Galadri-hell was still in love. Very Merry and Pipe-in were still twats.
"What's wrong, Mr Frieda?" Sam asked quietly, after History that morning.
Frieda lifted his head up, a sheet of paper stuck to his cheek. "Wha--?"
"You've been depressed all morning... what's wrong?"
Frieda sniffed and looked out of the window. "It's Dildo," he sighed. "He's been acting strange recently. He- he hasn't even given me an embaressing lecture about masturbation yet. Something's wrong... He's hardly ever at home anymore. I'm..." he looked up at Sam sadly. "I'm so lonely."
"Aaawwwww..." Sam put his arm around him. "You want me to come round some time?"
Frieda smiled. "I'd like that."
"Frieda?"
Frieda jumped and turned around. Dozy was standing there, looking gorgeous (to Frieda at least. I'm not that sort of person.... honest!). Frieda freaked out and pushed Sam off him. "We- we weren't doing anything, I swear! I'm not gay!"
Dozy raised an eyebrow. "Um.... okayyyy... uh- I was just wondering... You're good at History, aren't you?"
"Uh... yeah. My-my uncle's got loads of old maps and stuff. He taught me when I was little..." Frieda furiously kicked himself. Stop rambling, you idiot!!!
"Well, um..." Dozy continued. "I,uh... I was just wondering if... if I could come round your house some time to... study?"
A great light bore down upon Frieda and he could hear the heavens singing in rejoice.
"Um... sure. That'd be cool. Erm... how about tomorrow?"
"Well, I-I do have ballet practise but-?"
And so it was that the next day after school, Frieda set a webcam up in his bedroom and waited impatiently for Dozy to arrive. Dildo was out again so there was no need to worry about embaressing introductions and so on.
Meanwhile, Ganja and Araporn were also waiting impatiently at the computer. Araporn unloaded a grocery bag full of crisps, popcorn and beer.
"There she is!" Ganja grinned as they saw Dozy enter the room on their screen.
"Galadri-hell!!!!!" Celibate whined, tugging at his wife's arm. "Galadri-hell, it's MY computer and I wanna use it!"
"Shut up!" Galadrihell snapped, hitting him. "Just sit quiet and watch this. You might learn something."
"So, um..." Frieda stammered as Dozy stood before him in her leotard and sweats. "You, erm...." his voice broke. "You n-need to change right? I- uh I'll just be downstairs, you know... studying up... Just give me a shout when you're...... when you're........"
"When I'm....?"
"Uhm........ Ready! Yeah, when you're ready...." He turned and bolted out of the room, closing the door behind him. He crashed through the front door and ran like hell down the path, straight for Ganja's house...
"You want a beer?" Araporn asked.
Ganja waved away the question, glued to the screen. Frieda burst breathless into the room.
"What I miss?" He panted.
"You're just in time." Araporn smiled.
Frieda sat down next to them and gawped at the screen as Dozy slipped out of her leotard...
"Woah."
Dozy looked at herself in Frieda's full-length mirror, smiling sexily.
"Oh man, this is incredible."
Dozy took her bra off. All three guys gasped and grinned manically.
"I can't believe Borrow-Queer and Legohash had to work..." Ganja laughed.
But no, neither of them had to work. Borrow-Queer was practising for the upcoming Vocal State Championships and Legohash? Well, while Borrow-Queer was working hard to impress Isawien, Legohash was.... well.... sleeping with her.
"This is like the coolest thing I've ever seen," Celibate whispered.
Galadri-hell smiled. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"Yeah," Celibate grinned. "LET'S HOLD HANDS!!!!"
Galadri-hell sighed and turned back to the computer.
"Oh thank you lord for this wonderful, wonderful day!" Frieda muttered.
But then, something happened then the Ring did not intend... Um, I mean, that Frieda did not intend...
Dozy began to look through Frieda's drawers (again, the wooden storage kind).
"Hey, she's looking through my stuff!"
"Let her touch. She can touch what she wants..."
"But I've got a femodom in there!"
Araporn and Ganja gave him strange looks.
Dozy opened the second drawer down and Frieda shrieked.
"Oh no, not there! That's where Dildo put the-"
Oh yes. Dozy pulled out the large stack of porno mags.
"Oooh, nice collection there, Frieda." Araporn smiled.
Dozy took out the copy of 'Hobbit Holes' and began to thumb through it, getting slightly aroused...
"Dear God," Frieda whispered. "She's... she's... she's..."
That's right.
MASTURBATING.....
"I..." Frieda's face cracked into a grin. "Gentlemen... and, er... Ganja... I'd like to make an announcement. There is a gorgeous woman..... m-masturbating on my bed!"
"Thank you, Dozy!" Ganja grinned.
"God bless the internet!" Frieda laughed.
"You know," Araporn said slowly. "If you ever had a chance with Dozy... this is it."
"What?" Frieda frowned. "Come on, man, what am I supposed to do?"
"Seduce her..." Ganja whispered.
"What the hell would I say?"
"Ask her if she needs an extra hand..." Araporn suggested, a sly grin on his face.
"That's stupid."
"That's not stupid! You're stupid if you don't go! Come on!" He pulled Frieda out of his chair. "You gotta go over there! Get going, man, she's primed!"
"Get out of here!" Ganja said as he poked Frieda towards the door with his staff.
Frieda ran out of the house and back down the street. Strange teeny bopper music played in the background as he ran.
"Rach, will you turn that shit down, please?"
Meanwhile, back at Ganja's house, the phone rang.
"Hello?" Ganja answered.
"Looks like Frieda addressed the email wrong," he heard Gimpli laugh on the other end.
"What?" Ganja frowned.
"It went out to every mailbox in Middle Earth. God, how juvenile..."
The Nine Bongwraiths sat in the basement of Minas Morgul, drinking beer and torturing small animals when Spazgul #3 looked up from his laptop(!) and said, "Guys! Guys! Check this out!"
They all gathered around.
"Oh my god..." Spazgul #7 whispered.
"Wow!"
Roll 'em grinned as he watched Dozy on his computer (which he won during the riddle competiton with Dildo... as well as a dishwasher and a trip for two to Barbados)
He ran his finger along her image. "My precioussssss...." he hissed and decided to find her and marry her.
Frieda looked up to the heavens for help "Please God," he prayed. "Let this be it..." He took a deep breath and entered the room. Dozy didn't notice him, she was too busy.... you know...
"Someone's going in there!" Groin said to the other dwarves as they eagerly watched the screen.
"Hey, he loos a bit like that guy we're meant to be chasing." said Spazgul #1. "You know...." he put an eerie whisper. "Shire...... Slaggins....."
"Oh, I dunno," Spazgul #5 shrugged. "Floweron explained it all to me but I wasn't really listening. After all, he's a big eye... what can he do?"
"Yeah," Spazgul #9 agreed. "Who does he think he is, Big Brother or something?"
Frieda took another deep breath.
"L-L-Looks like you could use an extra hand," he stammered.
Dozy shrieked and sat up. "Frieda! Shame on you!"
"Uh- y-yeah, shame on me. I'm so sorry, Dozy, I'm just gonna... go and..."
"Well," Dozy sighed. "You have seen me. Now it is my turn to see you..."
Frieda stopped and turned to her. "W-What?"
"Strip."
"Strip?"
"Slowly."
"Slowly?"
"Stop that."
"Stop that?"
"FRIEDA!"
"Sorry! Sorry! You mean like... strip strip?" he asked, casting a nervous glance at the webcam in the corner of the room.
"For me?" Dozy smiled. She picked up Frieda's clock radio and put on some crazy hillbilly music. "Perfect."
Frieda bopped up and down to the music (just like I had to do when I played Policeman #2 in the school play all those years ago. *shudder* Oh I still have nightmares...) Anyway, yes, Frieda always was a crap dancer just watch the party scene in FotR and you will know exactly what I mean.
"Move, Frieda, Move!" Dozy ordered.
Frieda began to clumsily strut around, unbuttoning his shirt, waggling his head up and down like a nodding dog air freshener. Once his shirt was off, he swung it around in the air and threw it, aiming for the webcam...
"NO!" Spazgul #4 cried as the screen went blank.
"Please, please, PLEASE let it come back!" Spazgul #2 whispered.
"What's going on?" Araporn muttered, fiddling with the computer.
Frieda was now topless and doing such terrifying thrusting actions that even I was embaressed for him. He was so engor- endors- engorge- erm... transfixed (ooh even better) in his horrifying dancing that he didn't notice the shirt slide off the webcam.
"This is disgusting..." Ganja shuddered when the screen came back to life.
"What the fuck is this?" Galadri-hell said, wincing in horror.
Celibate was standing behind her, copying Frieda's dance.
Galadri-hell turned, saw him, and winced even more.
"Ugh, cut it out!" she said.
But Celibate was really getting into it. It wasn't until Galadri-hell smashed her beer bottle over his head that he finally stopped and... well, slippe dout of consciousness.
"What a waste of a good beer," Galadri-hell sighed, turning back to the computer.
Dozy, for some maaaaaaad reason, was getting really turned on by Frieda's dance... even when he tripped over whilst trying to take off his trousers and even when he tried to recover by sliding the trousers around his neck and chest and then between his legs.
"Freak..." Roll 'em muttered.
Frieda grabbed his desk chair and started thrusting on it while spanking himself.
"Ugh.... God..." Groin cringed.
The dwarves tried not to watch but were strangely drawn to the screen. Even Smaug the dragon had stopped guarding his treasure to come out and watch with them.
"Now..." Dozy said breathlessly. "Come to me."
Frieda grinned and practically dived on her.
"Be gentle..." she whispered, taking his hand and sliding it along her thigh.
An involuntary shudder suddenly passed through Frieda and....
He was done.
"Oh no..." Araporn murmered.
"Houston, we have a problem," said Ganja.
"Wha happened?" Celibate asked. "What did he do?"
Galadri-hell sighed. "He blew it... literally.
"I guess I'll be going now..." Dozy said quietly, sounding very disappointed.
"No!" Frieda pleaded. "No, no, no! I'm not- I'm not done, Dozy! I-I've got reserves! Dozy, please! I'm begging you..."
"Well..." she said. "I do like your dirty magazines..."
"Um, did you see this one?" Frieda said, grabbing a copy of 'Shaved Dwarves'
"YES!!!" Ganja and Araporn cheered as they watched Frieda and Dozy kiss. Bloody perverts...
Dozy pulled away and stood back up, smiling. "So- um- shaved is the expression?" She asked as she took off her panties.
It's such a shame that this is but a mere story. I really wish you could actually have seen the look on Frieda's face when he saw what lurked beneath Dozy's knickers. However, I have managed to find two words that sum the entire thing up quite nicely.
"Holy shit!" Frieda gasped.
"Holy shit!" Ganja yelled.
"Holy shit..." All the Bongwraiths said in unison.
"Holy shit!" Groin and the boys laughed.
"Touch me, Frieda..." Dozy whispered, taking Frieda's hand again and sliding it down her stomach towards...
"AGH! OH GOD!!!"
Never mind.
"Again?!" The Spazgul cackled.
"Not again..." Frieda whispered.
"Not again, precious..." Roll 'em groaned.
"Is that... possible?" Asked Ganja.
"What a loser..." Gimpli muttered.
