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Mr Spragg
A Story By Rachel Gosling

Here follows a tale of wicked evil...
It was our very first Geography lesson in Year Nine. Me, Terri (hi terri!), Sarah(hi sarah!) and Zahrah (hi zahrah!) were all sitting at the back, just talking and messing around when our new teacher, who we have to call Mr Spragg to avoid the 40 lashes, enters the room and my first impression of him was "Bloody hell!!!!" because Mr Spragg was a very scary man. He had dirty, dirty skin (haha! private joke between me and terri), grey hipsters (yes, hipsters) a pink shirt and a tie so frightening I don't even wanna talk about it. But to top it all off, he had the largest nose known to man. I always knew he had a big nose, but i never found it so hilarious until Terri said "Oh, get a nose job!!!" as we left one day. And also, because his nose (heeheehee...) because his nose (hahaha!!!) erm... well, you'll see...
After being moved to the front of the class for "chatting too much",me and terri were bored out of our minds one lesson coz mr spragg was raving on about climates or some other rubbish like that and then he went up to this map of the world on the wall and pointed at Moscow. i can't remember why he pointed at it, but i definitely remember that his nose was taking up half of russia. And i remember thinking 'Oh my god! His nose is taking up half of Russia!' And then i realised how insanely stupid that was and i got the giggles real bad. I mean, come on. Can you imagine this giant shadow casting over Russia and all the little russian people running and screaming "OH MY GOD! IT'S A NOSE!!!" Anyway so i'm sitting there laughing like mad, but trying to keep quiet coz mr spragg is still droning on. But it's a very difficult thing to do, you know. Anyway, when i laugh, i really can't control myself. It's a compulsion. So i kept laughing and laughing and laughing until finally...
...The explosion came...
"PA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I can't even hear the phrase "Taking Over Russia" without cracking up...
The next day, i sat down on our table and said "Right, im gonna be really good today. I'm not gonna laugh once..." and then Mr spragg came in, with a brand new haircut, which revealed his alarmingly pointy ears and i just lost it. I laughed and i laughed and i laughed...That lesson, we had to watch a boring video about rocks. Yes, rocks. Me and Terri were sitting there not paying attention when suddenly, for some unknown reason, this shot of an enormous rock appeared on the screen and there was this big scary music like "DUM DUMMMMMMMMMM!!!!" when it came on and i just burst out laughing. Everyone was completely silent and then all you could hear was me laughing like mad. Mr Spragg gave me an evil look. I was freaked out so i tried to stop but i couldn't. i tried to think of really sad boring things but it was hard because, as you probably know by now, only funny, stupid, or scary things happen to me which only aggravated my condition. The bell rang and i was all, sweet relief!!!! i ran out of there so fast i made roadrunner look easy to catch. I ran to the gates and Gina was already waiting for me, I screeched to a halt and grabbed hold of her to steady myself. "What the hell is with you???" She asked. "OH MY GOD!!!" I yelled, still laughing like mad. My throat hurt coz i'd been laughing all lesson. "Mr Spragg... haircut... haircut...ears...ears like an elf!!! oh my god!!! then...video! about....ROCKS!!!!" Gina gave me a strange look and said "Rocks?" and i went "Yeah! Rocks!!! There was...big rock...so big!!!" i made gestures with my arms to show her how big it really was. "Oh god!!! it was funny, it was funny!!! This-this music...it was like...like...DUM DUMMMMMMMMM!!!!" I started laughing and laughing again. I don't think gina really knows what actually happened, so here ya go, gina, this is why i was laughing all the way home that day.
A couple of weeks later, we had to watch another video about a bicycle factory (what that had to do with geography, i dont know) and at the beginning they played that really sad Queen song, the one about the bicycles, funnily enough. And me and Terri couldn't take it anymore and we laughed all the way through the video, so much Mr Spragg told us to be quiet. But we couldn't be quiet after that, because it was halfway throught the video i discovered there was a large blob of bright, illuminous orange chewing gum stuck to my shoe. I spent the whole lesson wriggling about like a gimp, trying to get it off but the little b*stard refused to stick to anything else. By the time the video had ended, there were bright orange skid marks all over the floor under our table and the chewing gum was STILL THERE!!!!
One time, Mr Spragg was cleaning out the classroom and he found some old pictures of students on a school trip to...i dont know where but it was probably somewhere boring. Anyway, he found the pictures and he just stared at them, grinning from ear to ear like a terrifying pervert. What was even more scary was that this was the only time he had ever smiled.
On Non-Uniform Day, Mr Spragg was wearing a puke green t-shirt and black flares that were so short, you could see what colour socks his wearing. Me, Tez, Sarah and Zahrah might have been able to take this, if he hadn't been wearing black shoes with WHITE SOCKS. Yes, white socks. I KNOW!!!!