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Just Like Lembas

"Dildo, I'm home!"
There was no response. Frieda entered the kitchen, where Dildo was most likely to be, but Dildo wasn't there either. There was a note lying on the table that read:

Frieda,
Gone treasure-hunting with Groin and the boys.
Back soon. Left you some dinner. Be careful though.
You know what happens if you eat too much!
Dildo
xxxxxx
And next to the note was a plate of Lembas Bread...
Frieda stared at it in wonderment and Legohash's words came back to him...
"Like warm Lembas bread..."
I'm not going to go into explicit detail with what Frieda did to that Lembas bread because I want to keep this story at PG-13 (hahahahahahaha!!! It'll be lucky to get an X rating!) but I'm sure you can guess what he did.
He thoroughly enjoyed masturbating with lembas bread though. After all, one small bite is enough to fill the stomach of a grown man, who knows what sex would be like with it?!
It was only when Dildo arrived, a large treasure chest in his arms, that Frieda's entertainment was abruptly put on hold.
Dildo gasped and dropped the treasure chest, gold scattering across the floor. "FRIEDA!!!!!"
Frieda shrieked and dived into the fridge (he'd never find him there...)
Dildo opened the fridge door and pulled his nephew out- a packet of bacon frozen to his butt.
Frieda stood before Dildo and looked imploringly up at him, Lembas bread stuck to his cock and bacon stuck to his ass. "It- It's not what it looks like..." He stammered.

The next morning, Frieda wouldn't talk to anyone. He was still recovering from the humiliation. Sam kept grinning at him- he'd obviously been watching him again. It was only when Frieda saw Borrow-Queer talking to the pretty girl from the Vocal Parody Song Group that he finally spoke.
"Holy shit!" He cried. "The son of bitch pulled it off!"
The others turned and looked too. Legohash smiled.
"Wow, she's cute!"

"You were pretty impressive today, Borrow-Queer," the girl said to him.
"Really? Thanks. It- It came from the heart..."
The girl smiled, putty in his "sensitive" hands.
"I feel like I've discovered this whole new side of me, you know?" Borrow-Queer continued. "Music is so expressive."

Galadri-hell snorted. "What a crock of shit, that girl is so dumb if she believes him!"
"Hey shut up," Legohash snapped. "I think she's perfect..."
"And she thinks he's perfect?! Hell, even I'd go for you over him any day."
"Shut up, Galadri-hell!" All of them said together.

The girl kissed Borrow-Queer and left. He came floating over to them and sighed. "I'm in luuuuuuuurrrve....." He said, a sickly smile on his face.
Galadri-hell shuddered. "Ugggghhh... the L-Word."
"Hello Galadri-hell, you're looking beautiful this morning. Isn't it a lovely day?"
"Get away from me, you love-sick freak!"
"Hey Borrow-Queer," said Legohash. "Who is that girl?"
"That's Isawien. Isn't she gorgeous?"
"And then some..." Legohash muttered under his breath.
"You lot make me sick," said Galadri-hell. "We're supposed to be getting laid, not falling in-" she stopped as a handsome (in her eyes, at least) elf guy walked by. "In.... l-love..." She began to drool. Everyone looked over at the guy... and the girl he was walking with.... It was Arwank.
"Holy shit!" said Ganja. "Araporn! Arwank's got a new man!"
Araporn just laughed. "You idiots, that's her dad! Elbong."
"E-Elbong? D-Dad?" Galadri-hell whispered.
"Yeah," Araporn replied. "I'm gonna go try to talk to Arwank, I'll see you guys later..." He followed after them. Galadri-hell sighed and flopped down onto a bench.
"Elbong..." she said breathlessly. "That guy is a total dilf."
"A what?" Asked Frieda.
"D-I-L-F... Dad I'd Like to Fuck!"
She, Very Merry and Pipe-in burst out laughing at this.
"You are one funny motherfucker!"
"She's better than us!"
"Hail, Galadri-hell!"
"We are forever your slaves!"

Oh sweet Jesus...

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