“HARRY SNOTTER!” The creature squealed. “Such an honour it is.”
(Not sure why he was ripping off Yoda, but then again, I can’t really talk, can I?)
“Who the fuck are you?” Harry asked with such politeness.
“I’m Knobby, sir. Knobby the house-elf.”
“Not to be rude or anything, but now is not a good time to have FUCKING HOUSE ELVES IN MY FUCKING BEDROOM!!!”
“Knobby knows, Knobby knows, Sir. Knobby understands, but Knobby had to come to tell Harry Snotter that, erm… Oh jesus, how does Knobby say this… Oh god, where does Knobby start?”
“Well, the beginning would be good…” Harry sighed. “Why don’t you sit down?”
Knobby looked shocked. “S-Sit down? SIT DOWN?” He began to cry. “HOW DARE HARRY SNOTTER TELL KNOBBY TO SIT DOWN?!”
“Look, I didn’t mean to offend you, I just thought-” Harry was cut short as Knobby grabbed him by the throat and smacked him against the cupboard whilst screaming “BAD HARRY! BAD HARRY!”

Meanwhile, downstairs the Ughsleys and their guests could hear all the noise.
“Oh don’t worry, that’s just the er… hamster,” said Vermin. “It’s sick and sometimes it sounds like it’s talking or cursing or throwing somebody against the cupboard.”

The guests didn’t have a clue what was going on but then again, neither did Harry. He pushed Knobby off him and said, “Ow, what the hell was that for?”
“Sorry… Knobby had to punish Harry Snotter, sir. Harry Snotter almost spoke ill of Knobby’s family, sir.”
“No, I didn’t, I just asked if you wanted to sit down.”
Knobby grabbed a nearby lamp and started beating Harry over the head with it (Please try this at home). “HARRY SNOTTER MUSN’T CONTRADICT KNOBBY, SIR!!! BAD HARRY! BAD HARRY!!!”
“Knobby! Get off me and stop being so loud!” Harry hissed.
“What?”
“STOP BEING SO LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Suddenly, they heard footsteps on the landing. Harry threw Knobby into the wardrobe, just as Vermin marched in.
“What the devil are you doing up here?”
“Oh I was just, er…” The wardrobe door opened and Harry quickly closed it. “I was erm… coughing! Yeah, because I, erm… have a sore throat!” He coughed to illustrate his point. The wardrobe door opened again and Knobby poked his head out. Harry tried to close the door again but accidentally trapped Knobby’s head. He quickly shoved him back inside and shut the door.

“If you’re going to die, could you please do it quietly?” Uncle Vermin asked. “You’ve just ruined the punch line for my Japanese golfer joke!”
The ultimate crime.
“But Uncle Vermin, that joke sucks…”
Vermin grabbed a nearby book and repeatedly smacked Harry with it. “HOW DARE YOU CRITICISE MY SENSE OF HUMOUR!!! BAD HARRY! BAD HARRY!!!” He stormed out, slamming the door behind him.

Harry rubbed his sore head (oo-er). “OW!!! Jesus, is there anyone I don’t get bollucked by?” He turned angrily to Knobby, who had climbed out of the wardrobe and was pulling faces at Hedwig. “And you! What are you doing here anyway?”
“Knobby came to warn Harry Snotter, Sir. Knobby came to tell Harry Snotter that Harry Snotter must not go back to Bogwarts School of Bitchcraft and Lizardry this year, Sir.”
“Why not?”
“Because if Harry Snotter goes back to Bogwarts, that means a new book will have to come out which will mean more money for JK Rowling and that’ll make the writer really really mad and we’ll all be killed off in a vicious bloodbath of literature!”
Harry gasped. “Oh my god! What are we going to do?”
“I know! Let’s throw cake at Harry Snotter’s guests!”
How is that gonna help?”
“Well, it’ll piss Harry Snotter’s uncle off and he’ll ground Harry Snotter’s ass! Plus it’s good fun!”
Harry grinned and jumped off the bed. “Excellent idea, Knobby! Let’s go!”

They both ran down the stairs, two steps at a time and grabbed the cake that Aunt Petroleum had put all her blood, sweat and tears into (not literally of course, that’d just be gross)
Stepping into the living room, Harry and Knobby hurled the cake at the guests, who didn’t really react, they just sat there with expressions on their faces that seemed to say ‘Oh look, we’ve been covered in cake. Hmmm… oh well, moving on…’ But that’s bad casting for you.
The cakes didn’t seem to care but Harry’s aunt and uncle did.
“Agggghhhhh!” Petroleum screamed. “LOST! Precious is lost!!!”
“You’ll have to excuse my nephew,” said Vermin. “He’s lost his fucking mind.”
“NO I HAVEN’T!” Harry shrieked, waving his arms in a very mentally disturbed way. “Honest! It wasn’t my idea, it was Knobby’s! Tell ‘em, Knobby!” He turned around, only to find that Knobby had vanished. He twisted back round to the others, looking desperate. “He really was here, I swear! *Sniff!” I’M NOT CRAZY!!!” And witht hat, he ran out of the room, screaming and waving his arms again…
Then he crashed into the wall.