A Story By Rachel Gosling

It was a warm Thursday afternoon. Sarah (hi Sarah) and I had just taken our seats right at the very back of the science lab (*in a Grandpa Simpson voice* Which was the style at the time…) when I looked up and saw something green attached to Steven Heales’ back.

”Is that a Go Ahead wrapper on his blazer?” I asked Sarah. Then I started laughing. “Maybe he’s trying to lose some weight…”

Since Steven is, shall we say… a little on the heavy side (ie: fat bastard) and since me and Sarah are both, shall we say… emotionally challenged (ie: cold-hearted bitches) we laughed for hours and continued doing “work” (ie: passing notes)

ME: Might smack Harvey tomorrow.
SARAH: Why?
ME: He’s a tithead.
SARAH: Why?
ME: Coz he has tits on his head, silly! God, that Go Ahead wrapper’s annoying me…
SARAH: You’re getting like your sister now…

For those of you that don’t know my sister (you lucky, lucky people) she kind of has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and gets up in the middle of the night to get rid of some tiny little crease in the curtain. Sometimes, when your talking to her, she’s not paying attention to you, she’s more interested in the piece of fluff on your shoulder that HAS TO DIE!!!!!!!!!

SARAH:Why do you have ink on your ear?
ME: Oh that was Tom messing about in Art.
SARAH: Please rub it off it’s very irritating.
ME: So is that FUCKING GO AHEAD WRAPPER!!!!!!
SARAH: Now you know what I’m going through.
ME: I must rid Steven’s blazer of the evil Go Ahead wrapper…

So, I leaned over the desk and blew as hard as I could. Sunita and Amy on the next desk (hi Sunita and Amy) gave me the strangest looks known to man, but I didn’t care. There was just something about that Go Ahead wrapper that made my blood boil (not literally, of curse, that’d be pretty weird…). But the blowing accomplished nothing, so I progressed to ripping bits of paper out of the back of my book and flicking them at Steven’s back in an attempt to knock off that evil wrapper. Amy and Sunita were trying to concentrate on their work but were finding it very hard with me next to them, practically lying on the desk, blowing at a Go Ahead wrapper and throwing little paper balls at it. Eventually, I gave up and wriggled back into my seat, settling back to “work” (more note passing):

SARAH: I want to go home. I have a cold and I’m meant to be going ice skating tomorrow.
ME: You have a cold but you’re going ice skating? That’s bright. If you blow with me, we might be able to destroy the wrapper once and for all!

Sarah rolled her eyes, leaned across the desk and we both blew with all our might. But the wrapper refused to budge no matter how hard we blew (oh my). Just as all hope seemed lost, the heavens smiled down upon us…

Steven, possibly feeling a slight chill from all the blowing, fidgeted in his seat. Sarah and I held our breath, watching with wide eyes as the wrapper slipped ever so slightly… and then flew gracefully to the ground.

God knows what Amy and Sunita must have thought as they watched us celebrate. We leaned over the desk to laugh at that goddamn enemy of ours, only to find that it was now attached to Steven’s bag.

Such anger possessed me (yes, over a wrapper), if I had been angry before it was nothing compared to what I felt as I saw that demon wrapper clinging to Steven’s bag. Punching Harvey 727 times wouldn’t make me feel better (but hell, it’d be a start), the wrapper had to die…
I sat back down and devised a plan of all plans… a plan that was ingenious, fool-proof, and 100% original…

ME: Get some paper, we’ll make a fan and waft it away!
SARAH: You are a very strange person (please stop blowing, it’s very scary)
ME: Not until this Go Ahead wrapper gets what it deserves! You have to blow with me to rid the bag of this wrapper from hell!
SARAH: Erm… OK.

Amy and Sunita watched with confused curiosity as we both leaned over again and blew at the wrapper, every now and then throwing paper balls at it. Sarah started laughing and gave up. But I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep that night unless the world was rid of this Go head wrapper! I knew at that moment, it wasn’t just about the Go Ahead wrapper, it was me against the world. That Go Ahead wrapper represented every evil thing on earth: Mr Nose, JK Rowling, Courtney Love… All clinging to the backs and bags of the innocent (well, Steven isn’t exactly the most innocent person in the world. Hell, I’m more innocent than him, but shut up and let me have my moment…)

ME: Don’t give up now, Sarah! And don’t laugh, this is a serious operation! We have to send that ill-gotten wrapper straight down to Hades!!!!!
SARAH: Just calm down about the whole wrapper thing. Why don’t you just tell him he’s got something on his bag?
ME: You don’t understand!!!!!!! If I wanted to do it the easy way, it’d just be a Solution. This is a PLAN OF ACTION!!!!!!!
SARAH: OK, OK! 1,2,3 blow!

We both leaned over the desk and blew as hard as we could. Amy suddenly tapped me on the arm.
”What the hell are you two doing?!”
I heard Sarah gasp and I turned around just in time to see the bag topple over and land…. Right in front of our table.

I looked at Sarah. Sarah looked at me. Me and Sarah were both looking at each other. Then we both peered over the edge of the table and looked at the bag.
“Is it gone?” Sarah whispered.
“I think so…” I smiled. But as I shuffled back into my seat, I spotted something green clinging onto the side of the bag…

I went into a proper spasm. I just couldn’t believe it. WHY WOULDN’T IT DIE?! I looked at the clock, the lesson was about to end. I was running out of time, I was running out paper, I was running out of air!!!!! Just then, like an angelic choir, the bell’s ill-piercing shriek rang high throughout the school. During the usual rush to leave the classroom, I dived over the table, grabbed Steven’s bag and snatched that diabolical Go Ahead wrapper from it’s sanctuary, ripped it to pieces, threw it to the floor and stomped on it.

Another triumph for the ginger girl!
Steven has no idea what we went through.
Still haven’t smacked Harvey… don’t think I have the energy to after all that.