By Rachel Gosling That's right, even more bizarre than the one where Jack threw up on me! Anyway, here goes...
So it was the first day back at school and I was walking alone as Gina was truanting yet again. Anyway, I reached the school and got the shock of my life...
It had changed completely! There were all these tall, evil-looking buildings and all the students and teachers were completely different and I didn't know where the hell I was supposed to go. Now, a typical day at school has two lessons then a break, one lesson then lunch and then two lessons and then go home. Each lesson is an hour long. But for the first two hours I wandered around aimlessly, not knowing where I was or where to go. The bell for break rang and I thought 'Ahah! I'll find Terri and that lot and they'll tell me where I have to go and what's happened!"
Every break and lunchtime we hang out on this small grassy slope inbetween the science block and art block- but where the hell were they?!
Then I noticed this really pretty girl wearing cool hippy clothes and she had curly golden hair and was carrying loadsa books in her arms and she was following a male teacher around. I thought she looked cool and with all those books was probably clever too, she'll tell me where I have to go!
So I followed her, waiting for her to stop talking to the teacher so I could ask her and I heard part of their conversation...
"Please!" the girl begged. "PUH-LEEEEEASE give me some more time to do the coursework! Please!"
She sighed. "Follow me..."
"Thanks for your help," I said, turning back to the girl but she was already walking away. She suddenly crashed into some people and fell to the floor, her books scattering. I ran over and helped her up.
"Are you OK?" I asked.
So I put the comic in my pocket and then walked towards the mountain thing and climbed up it. It took ages and when I finally reached the top, there were loads of foreigners sitting around and my mates were sitting as far away from them as possible.
"What's going on?" I asked them.
Suddenly, Louise dived on me and started chasing me around saying "Gimli! Gimli! Come cinema with me! Come cinema with me! Pirates of the Caribbean! YAY!"
"Morning ladies!" The little guy said.
"What the hell's the matter with you lot?" I asked.
Turns out he wasn't still the same- his entire face was brown!!!!!!!
All the foreigners suddenly gasped."Racist!" They shouted.
Just then, the bell rang for the next lesson and everyone groaned.
I was carefully watching his feet. "He's going to kill somebody with those shoes." I muttered.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" I screamed. "Somebody's just been killed by one of those stupid shoes! We've got to go see if they're OK!"
It was a baby!!!!!!!
A baby in a lilac babygrow, crying. Nobody seemed to here it and nobody seemed to care so I picked the baby up and wandered around, trying to find a teacher.
At last, I saw Miss Fitz Patrick in the distance.
A completely different woman suddenly turned around and smiled at me. "Yes dear?"
Fitzy smiled and took the baby off me. "Don't worry," she said. "This is our resident baby."
And then I woke up, confused as hell.
"NO!" said the teacher. "You've already had three weeks on it! The exam board clearly starts that-" he started rambling on in a teacher way and as he did so, my English teacher walked past and he suddenly brushed his hand against hers and smiled at her and she smiled back.
The hippy girl noticed this too.
"If you don't give me some more time, I'll tell the head you're having an affair with Miss McIntyre."
The teacher sighed. "How does next Friday sound?"
"Fab!" said the girl and walked away. I followed her.
"That was really cool," I said catching up with her.
"Oh..." she said, looking a bit surprised. "Thanks, you just gotta know where to look for it I guess. Take those two..." she pointed at two female teachers wearing identical clothing, holding hands and smiling at each other. "Lesbians... and those two." She pointed at a similar couple.
"Wow..." I said. "Um... do you know where the science and art blocks are?"
"Sure, you take a left near the english block, a right near the languages block, circle eight times around the psychology block..." she continued with these confusing directions (even more so seeing as we don't even have a psychology block) until the blank look on my face told her I wasn't getting it.
So I did and we finally reached our destination only... the small grassy slope where we normally hung out had been transformed into an enormous green mountain and right at the top was this weird hedge thingy with stupid shapes trimmed out of it. I could just make out my friends, Terri, Louise, April, Medusa and Seema all sitting right at the top waving at me.
"Yeah," she said and then suddenly ran off.
"Hey wait!" I shouted. "You forgot your books!"
"Doesn't matter!" She shouted back, still running.
I looked down at the books and realised they weren't books at all- they were comics! They were issues of 'SQUEE' by Jhonen Vasquez- my all-time favourite comic book artist. I picked up an issue I'd never read before (strangely enough, it had a picture of a witch on it just like my own comic Scarlett).
"Hey, can I borrow this?"
"Sure!" The girl shouted, before disappearing into the crowds.
"I don't know," Terri said tearfully. "But they've taken my seat!"
Terri is very particular about where she sits and has her own special 'seat' on the grass.
"Not that," I said. "What's happened to the school? Why is everything different?"
They all stared at me blankly.
"What are you talking about?" Asked Medusa.
"No!" I replied.
"Why not?"
"Because I've already seen it 13 times and I want to keep it at that number! Besides, it's coming out on DVD in about a month!"
"You're boring!"
We both suddenly crashed into something large and black that really hurt... it turned out to be a giant pair of shoes- and not just any shoes! A pair of NEW ROCKS! You know those big goth boots that go up to your knees and have all the metal buckles and stuff up the sides? Well, a giant pair of those and they belonged to this tiny little guy who sat on a bridge dangling his enormous shoes over all the little people below who were screaming and running away.
Louise grinned madly and waved up at him, all swoony and girly. "Hi..." she said breathlessly.
The others joined in too, also all gooey-eyed and drooling.
"He's HOT." Said April.
The others agreed.
"You've got to be kidding me!" I said.
"Morning bitches," My friend Tom arrived with his usual greeting.
I smiled and turned to face him. "Tom! Thank god, you're still the same- ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!"
"What's wrong?" He asked.
"Erm... have you- erm... have you been experimenting with fake tan recently?" I asked.
He blinked at me. "Nooooooooooooo...." he said slowly. "What makes you think that?"
"Um... it's just that, you're um... you're black."
"No, I'm not, it's just that he used to be white and he looks stupid now with brown skin!"
"You're a Tomist!" My friends giggled.
"No, I'm not, I'm a Tommunist!" I wittily replied.
Everyone found this extrememly hilarious and forgave me on the spot.
"Well time to get to class!" said the supposedly hot guy with the enormous New Rocks. He jumped off the bridge- causing shockwaves across the ground- and walked towards his next lesson.
"Come on, Rach!" said Seema. "We've got Art now."
But I was certain that somebody was going to get killed so I kept watching and sure enough, far far below on the ground, a tiny lilac dot that was a person was suddenly crushed by one of the giant shoes.
Once again, everybody stared at me blankly.
"Why?" Asked Terri.
"FOR GOD'S SAKE!" I walked to the edge of the hedge (heehee, me rhyme!) and took my blazer and bag off Jack Sparrow style.
"Do not lose these!"
I dived off the hedge and gambolled down the mountain, looking ultra-cool as I did so.
When I reached the bottom I ran over to where the crushed person lay and it turns out it wasn't a person after all.....
"Miss Fitz!" I shouted. "Miss Fitz!" I never call her Miss Fitz Patrick, just Miss Fitz or Fitzy.
"H-Hey.. you're not Miss Fitz Patrick!" I stammered.
"No, I'm Miss Fitz Catherine." The woman replied. "You really should be more specific, Rachel."
"Um... OK." I said. "MISS FITZ PATRICK!!!!!!"
The real Fitzy turned around. "Yes, Rachel?"
I ran up to her and said "There's this stupid little guy with big giant New Rocks on and everyone thinks he's hot but he isn't and his big stupid shoes crushed this little baby and nobody else tried to help but I did even though I don't have a clue what's happened to the school and don't understand why everythings so different now and this stupid baby won't stop crying help me fitzy!" I said all this without pausing for breath.
"RESIDENT BABY?!"
"Yes. Will you put it into the walker for me?"
"Huh?" I turned around and one of those stupid baby walker things was there. "Oh right... sure." I took the baby again and tried to put her in the walker but for some reason she wouldn't fit.
"Um... Rachel?" said Fitzy.
"Yeah?"
"You're holding her upside down."
