(Special Cameo From Arthur of 'The Sword In The Stone'!!!!)

Rachel hid behind a statue until the angry mob had subsided and then sneaked into a little hut just outside the Swann mansion. Yes, that's right, she stumbled upon Elizabeth's hut. Why? Because Rachel is an idiot.

However, the hut did seem like a good place to be, as there was lots of machinery that could cut her chains (who knew that making pens could require so much machinery? Who knew that Elizabeth's little hut could HOLD so much machinery?)

Rachel tried to get rid of her irons with a hammer but it didn't work- no matter how hard she tried (and by God she tried). She tried using a drill, a blow-torch, a chainsaw, she even tried spurring a donkey with the wheels that could break the irons... but that didn't work either. In the end, all she did was breathe on them and they simply melted away.

The door suddenly opened and Rachel panicked and hid. Elizabeth entered and wondered what on earth that smell was. It was a dreadful combination of cheestrings, sherbert lemons, egg mayonaise and alcohol. She noticed a strange dwarf helmet hanging from an anvil and reached for it when a sword struck the back of her hand. She turned and saw Rachel with her sword unsheathed (no innuendo intended, I swear!)

"You're the one they're hunting," Elizabeth muttered. "The plagiarist."
"You seem somewhat familiar. Are you the girl I drop-kicked at Skegness?"
Elizabeth scowled. "I make a point of avoiding familiarity with plagiarists."
"Oh OK," Rachel shrugged. "I'll be off then." She turned to leave but Elizabeth suddenly drew her own sword. Rachel stopped and turned back round. "Do you think that's wise, girl? Crossing blades with a plagiarist?"
Elizabeth took another step towards her. "You threatened Orlando."
Rachel smiled and ran her sword against Elizabeth's (how erotic). "Only a little."

And so a meaningless sword fight began! And- wait a minute, there IS a meaning to this sword fight, isn't there? Rachel threatened Orlando so Elizabeth wants to kill her and Rachel likes to fight because she is generally a violent girl...

*sigh* Forget I said anything.
Anyway, where was I? Ah yes...
"You know what you're doing, I'll give you that," said Rachel. "But how's your footwork?"
She began to tapdance while Elizabeth clapped out a rhythm and cheered. Then Elizabeth did a little Irish jig and the pair both ended up indulging in some Cossak dancing before they remembered that they were supposed to be fighting.
After a bit more VERY MEANINGFUL swordfighting, Rachel sheathed her sword and smiled. "Ta," she said and walked to the door.

Elizabeth snarled and threw her sword at the door. It missed Rachel by inches and got stuck in the door (such great use of vocabukary, don't you think? Louise isn't even helping me with this chapter!) What followed was possibly the greatest sound effect of all time as the sword wobbled up and down.
Rachel tried to pull the sword out but was unsuccessful.
"Damn," she muttered. "Where's that bloody King Arthur when you need him?" She turned back to Elizabeth and frowned. "That is a wonderful trick! Except once again, you are between me and my way out and now... you have no weapon."
Elizabeth smirked and pulled out a sword with a heated tip.

Rachel raised her eyebrows and whimpered. They parried some more, running all over the hut. Rachel noticed a lot of pens and swords lying around (kinda like her own room).

"Who makes all these?" She asked as she blocked Elizabeth's next attack.
"I do!" Elizabeth replied in an alarmingly homosexual voice. "And I practise with them... three hours a day!"
"You need to find yourself a guy, love!" Rachel laughed. "Or, perhaps the reason you practise three hours a day is that you've already found one and are otherwise incapable of wooing said strumpet.." She looked down at Elizabeth's private regions (little kinky) and winced. "You're not a unicorn, are you?"
"Huh? You mean eunnuch?"
"Oh... what did I say?"
"You said unicorn."
"Really? Well, I meant eunnuch."
2But that doesn't make sense either! Only a guy can be a eunnuch."
"Ah... well, we'll leave it at unicorn then, shall we?"
"OK,"
"Carry on,"
They began to duel again.

"I practise three hours a day so that when I meet a plagiarist... I can kill it!"
(IT?! We have feelings you know, Elizabeth! We may be heartless copycat fiends but we're still humans dammit!!!!!)

They both jumped onto a cart thing that swayed under them like a see-saw.
"Wow, this is fun!" Rachel giggled. "Can I borrow this?"
Elizabeth hooked a knife in the irons hanging from Rachel's right wrist and throwing it so it embedded itself in the beam above.

Rcahel screamed- it was her bad hand- and stomped on a loose board of the cart so it hit Elizabeth in the face and threw her off the cart. While she was temporarily downed, Rachel swung herself upsidedown and tried to get the knife out of the wood. A small blonde boy appeared on the rafters and knelt down on the beam Rcahel was stuck on. Strange choir music began and a heavenly light shonedown upon him as he gently released the sword... and then not so gently sent Rachel crashing back down oto the cart- just as Elizabeth ran back on.
Rachel's enormous weight sent Elizabeth flying up to the rafters.

"Gravity's a bitch, ain't she?" Rachel grinned.
Elizabeth growled (?) and threw Arthur onto the cart- vaulting Rcahel up to the rafters as well.
They began to fight again, jumping from beam to beam. And once again, they forgot what they were doing and began to dance instead.
"This is great, we should do this more often, don't you think?"
"Yeah! Are you free Wednesd- Wait a sec! We're supposed to be fighting!"
"Oh yeah!"Rachel jumpred off the rafters andlanded back on the floor, Elizabeth chasing after her.
"You can't run forever, Gosling!"
"It worked against Sean Astin's lawyers and the entire police force of Ingoldmells!"
Rachel grabbed a big sack of ink and began to squirt it all over Elizabeth. While Elizabeth shielded her eyes, Rachel kicked her sword out of her hands and pulled her fountain pen out of her pocket.
Elizabeth blinked and stared at the pen, confused.
"It's poisonous ink," Rcahel explained.
"You cheated!" Elizabeth gasped.
Rachel shrugged. "Plagiarist."

There was a sudden bang on the door and angry voices. They were trying to break the door down (I am a poor narrator *hangs head in shame)
"Move away," Rachel ordered to Elizabeth.
"No!" Elizabeth said boldly.
Rachel rolled her eyes. "PLEASE move?" She begged.
"No! I cannot just step aside and let you escape."
Rachel rolled her eyes again and pushed the pen to Elizabeth's forehead. "This cartridge is not meant for you..."

Before Elizabeth could question this, Arthur woke up and hit Rachel on the head with the same sword HE had been hit with. Rachel fell unconscious- just as Rowling and her soldiers finally managed to break into the hut.
2Excellent work, Arthur." Rowling smiled. "You've assisted in the capture of a dangerous fugitive."
"Just doing my civic duty, ma'am." Arthur replied.
Rowling looked down at Rachel's inert body on the ground and laughed. "Well I trust you'll always remember this as the day Captain Rachel Gosling ALMOST escaped. Take her away..."