“So tell me,” said the girl, still being held at gunpoint by the two Wannabe Token Twats. “How long are we going to stay like this for? I’ve got things to do, you know. People to see, stories to plagiarise, Japanese cartoons to watch…”
“Well,” said Wannabe Token Twat #2. “Just until you say ‘And then they made me their Chief.’ That’s the cue for that guy to fall in the water.”
“And then they made me their Chief?” The girl repeated. “Chief of what?”
”I dunno.” Wannabe Token Twat #1 replied. “Maybe you were Chief of some big evil ship once.”
“Just say the goddamn line!” Wannabe Token Twat #2 yelled.
The girl sighed. “And then they made me their Chief.” She said reluctantly.
SPLASH!!!! Orlando fell into the water.
“Right.” Wannabe Token Twat #2 smiled. “Go and save him then.”
“What?” The girl frowned. “You save him!”
“I can’t swim.”
“You’re in the bloody navy!”
All three looked at each other before breaking into a chorus of ‘In the Navy’ complete with disco dancing and all manner of moves that must not be attempted at home or anywhere other than a circus for that matter.
A few minutes later, they remembered the situation and ran to the edge of the ship
“Do not lose these.” The girl muttered as she handed the guards her helmet, sword, chewed up pen and her Sailor Moon comic book. She dived off the boat and swam down to the sea bed where Orlando lay unconscious. She picked him up and dragged him up to the surface, both of them coughing and spluttering as the guards helped them onto the harbour. The girl looked at his face properly for the first time and realised, with a shriek of excitement, who he was.
“ORLANDO BLOOM!” she squealed her voice all high pitched and giggly.
Just then, JK Rowling, Governor Swann and pretty much the whole population of Port Really-Nice arrived. All of them pointing swords at the girl.
“On your feet.” Rowling muttered.
The girl looked up at her and seemed to hear diabolical organ music in her head as she came face to face with her ultimate nemesis. She slowly got to her feet and continued to glare at Rowling.
“Shoot her!” Governor Swann ordered.
“Governor!” Orlando said firmly, also standing up. “Commodore! Do you really intend to kill my rescuer?”
Rowling sighed and reluctantly held out her hand to he girl. “I believe thanks are in order.” She said through gritted teeth.
The girl hesitated for a minute, feeling as if she’d rather throw herself down a demented octopus’ throat than touch JK Rowling. Nonetheless, she shook Rowling’s hand and that was when she made her mistake… Rowling grabbed her wrist and pulled up the sleeve of her fur coat revealing a ‘P’ tattoo.
“Plagiarist!” Rowling muttered darkly.
“I’ll return those words to you Rowling.” The girl muttered back.
“Hang her!” yelled Governor Swann.
“Keep your guns on her, men.” Rowling snarled. “Mach 3. Fetch some irons!” She pulled the girls sleeve up further and revealed a tattoo of a baby goose swimming away into the sunset.
“Well, well, well…Rachel Gosling, isn’t it?”
“CAPTAIN Rachel Gosling, if you please, ma’am.” Rachel said with a grim smile.
“Well, I don’t see your ship…Captain.”
“I’m in the market…as it were.”
“She tried to commandeer one.” Said Wannabe Token Twat #1. “These are hers ma’am.” He handed Rachel’s effects over to Rowling who examined them closely.
“Hmmm…” She frowned at a dusty old fountain pen with just one ink cartridge. “No additional cartridges or ink…a chewed up pen that doesn’t work…” She flipped through one of the notebooks and smiled at Rachel. “And I half expected them to be blank. You are without a doubt, the worst writer I have ever heard of.”
“Ah, but you have heard of me…” Rachel muttered as Mach 3 put her hands in chains.
“Indeed” Rowling glared at her.
Mach 3 let her go and Rachel smirked.
“Finally.” She muttered wrapping her chain around Orlando’s neck.
Rowling panicked. “Don’t shoot!” she cried.
“I knew you’d warm up to me.” Rachel laughed. “Commodore Rowling, give me back my stuff.”

Rowling hesitated.
“Rowling!” Rachel ordered.
Rowling sighed and handed Rachel’s effects over.
Rachel smiled and turned Orlando around pointing her gun at his head.
“Orli…can I call you Orli? Lando? Bloomy? Elf Boy?”
“It’s Mr Bloom.” Orlando muttered.
“Ah…well, Mr Bloom, if you’d be so kind…”
Orlando scowled and Rachel’s pen back in her mouth. He placed her helmet on her head and then put his arms around her to attach her sheath and belt. Rachel smirked over his shoulder at Rowling who only glared back.
“Easy on the goods, Darling.” Rachel grinned as Orlando buckled the strap across her chest.
Orlando glowered at her and tightened the strap. “You’re despicable.”
“Sticks and stones, Love. I saved your life. You saved mine. We’re square.”
She began walking backwards still holding on to Orlando. “Gentlemen. Mi’ lady.” She grinned at JK Rowling. “You will always remember this day as the day you almost caught Captain Rachel Gosling!” She pushed Orlando back to Rowling, jumped up on a big rope thing (Can you tell Louise is aiding me?) and flew up into the air. (On the rope thing, that is. She wasn’t really flying , but that would be cool…Is it a Bird? Is it a Plane? NO! IT’S GIMLI!!!)

Ahem…anywho, she then swung round on another big rope thing shouting “WEEEEEEEE!!!” and then she used another big rope thing as a zip line (Why are there so many big rope things on this dock?) and then she ran off, laughing like a looney.