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An Uncle-Nephew Chat

Frieda walked up the path to their house in Slag End and found Sam 'gardening' (ie: watching Dildo through the living room window). Sam gasped when he saw Frieda standing there.
"I think you should go home, Sam..." Frieda muttered darkly.
"I-uh- I can explain, Mr Frieda!"
"Don't bother, I'm going..."
"Wait!" Sam grabbed Frieda's arm and pulled him back. For a few seconds, they just looked at each other (how sweet...)
"Oh, shut up, Rachel!"

HEY! That's no way to talk to your writer! Don't make me give you a heart attack!
"Give me a heart attack, see if I care!"
You're just moody because there's no way you'll be able to do this pact!
"Pact?" Sam repeated. "Oh, Mr Frieda, don't tell me you're taking part in this silly pact as well! Don't you think you should wait until the right person comes along!"
"No! The key to happiness is acheiving goals! Look at Rachel and her Shiznay Days!"
"Yeah and look at all the times she's got hurt or hurt other people! I heard she punched a guy in the balls when she finished chapter 6!"
He dared me to!
"And remember when she was thrown onto the concrete and nearly broke her arm and made a big hole in her school trousers?"
That wasn't my fault! April and Louise dropped me!
"YOU asked them to carry you! And as soon as you were back on your feet you asked them to carry you again! Don't you learn from your mistakes?!"
That's it! I am NOT going to stay here and be insulted by a gay hobbit!
"Don't stay then! Fuck off! Maybe then the story might make a little sense!"
You know what? Because you've said that, I think I'm going to stick around and annoy you with insane things! Like- like... giant bunny rabbits!!!!
Right on cue, a swarm of giant bunny rabbits dived onto Sam and buried him in their fluffiness. While he was distracted, Frieda slipped into the house and locked the door behind him. He ran into his bedroom and emptied the brown paper bag he had been carrying since leaving Araporn's house. It contained A LOT of condoms (and a femodom because he'd alaways wanted to know what one looked like. He wasn't impressed. It looked like a big cellophane sock...)
Knock knock knock...
"Frieda? Are you in there?"
Frieda panicked and hid the condoms and femodom in his drawers (the wooden storage kind, that is. Not his personal area or anything...)
Dildo opened the door and smiled at him. "Hi Frieda, my lad," he said. "I think it's time we had a... uncle/nephew chat... what do you say?"
"Um... alright..."
Dildo sat down beside him on the bed and cleared his throat, not really knowing where to begin (would anyone know?).
"Well, Frieda, I'm not sure whether your parents told you before they passed away but well... when two people love each other, they do a Special Hug and-"
"Dildo," Frieda said, going a wonderful shade of scarlet. "You don't need to tell me. I-uh- I already know. Ganja taught me all about it."
"Ganja?!"
"Yeah. He even taught Arwank how to use tampons."
"Oh... well, erm... hey, I almost forgot! I bought some magazines..."

Oh god...

"Now then, um... This is 'Hobbit Holes' This is a very popular magazine. Not that I'd know or anything, I just... you know, the lads down at the pub..."
"Right," Frieda nodded, now a very deep crimson colour. He looked like a hillbilly Satan.
"Anyway... if you could just open it up to the centrefold..."

Oh god...

Frieda winced and hoped an undertaker would kidnap him as he opened the magazine to the picture of two hobbit girls (their feet not shown of course) doing intimate things in intimate places.
"Look at the expression on her face," Dildo said. "Look at it then."
"I am looking!"
"Frieda, you've got your head under the pillows. Now come on out and look at porn with me!"
Frieda sighed and looked at the magazine again.
"Look at her face, doesn't it look like she's saying, 'Hey big boy... hey, how you doing?'"
"Noooo..." Frieda said slowly. "It looks like she's saying 'Hurry up and pay me so I can get the fuck out of here...'"
"Frieda!" Dildo snapped. "Stop being so stubborn! I'm only asking you to look at some porn mags!"
"But I don't want to!"
A looooooooong awkward silence.
"Are you gay?" Dildo asked.
"Oh for god's sake, Dildo!"
"OK, OK, i'm sorry!"
"You know I'm not gay!"
"I know, I was just asking in case-"
"And even if I was-"
"I know..."
"What would be wrong with that?"
"Nothing! What people do in the privacy of their own bedrooms is fine. I don't mind gay people-"
"No, I didn't think so. I mean, you hired Sam-"
"Frieda, when are you going to be nicer to him, huh? He only wants to be your friend-"
"Yeah, well he's getting a little too friendly-"
"Well, maybe if you talked to him now and then, he'd understand how you felt-"
"I don't need to talk to him! He should know by now that I-"
"Alright! Alright! You know what, I'm sorry."
"No, I'm sorry."
"I'm just gonna- gonna go now..."
"Okay..."
"I'll just leave these in your drawer..."
"No, Dildo, don't!"
Dildo opened Frieda's drawer to put the magazines away and came across a large selection of condoms... and a femodom...
He picked the femodom up and stared at Frieda in bewilderment.
Frieda was now so red, he could easily have been mistaken for a lobster... um... in hobbit clothing (wow, that'd be cool...)
"Letting the women handle the contraception, eh, Frieda?" Dildo grinned.
"Uh..."
"Well..." Dildo smiled as he headed for the door. "Safer than a glove, I guess."

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